Self-Destructive Urges

[Haibane Shadsie]

Does anyone here besides me have them?

I've been thinking about my dire money situation. I really, desperately need a job. I've been looking. The week before I went to visit my boyfriend, I realized something was wrong with my phone - wasn't able to get it fixed until yesterday Turns out my new kitten chewed up one of the phone cords. I didn't know what was wrong for the longest time - and all the job aps I put out in past weeks have come to nothing because people couldn't get ahold of me and I didn't know it!!!!!!!!!

I've been job applying now, online the other night at a few places via my posted resume on CareerBuilder.com and to Home Depot's website, because there are Home Depots near me... I applied in person today at a few places...

But... you know, it all seems hopeless. I've been looking for work for sooooo long... and not finding any... and, when I have had work, well, I've had low paying work, low houred work.. and have never been held anywhere for very long because of the problems I have with people and stuff (that I've been trying to get over and have been getting better about... I've improved... I mean.. I'm medicated now).

I borrowed money again from my parents - went to Wal_Mart today to get soap and catfood... Everything in life is so expensive... and... my parents can only help me so much... and... when am I going to get a job, God? WHEN?! Why are you making me wait so long?


Actually, for over two years counting all the job hunting I did for supplimental work when I worked 3 days a week for the newspaper.

Am I just not good enough?

Heck, is my destiny suicide and you are just letting me know that I might as well do it and get it overwith?

I have my hope. I mean... I'm looking for work. I have a boyfriend who loves me. My family loves me. I really do want to live.

I just think it might be easier to die sometimes - than to get a job, because... well.. I've been looking and not getting... for... a long time. I've been thinking very logically about this. My family would be sad... but... you know... it might not be such a bad thing. They'll get over it and I won't be a continual finanical burden on them.

No one really can help me - money wise, I mean. I NEED A JOB. I'm not sure that God is listening to me when I pray for work. I wonder if I've been "not good enough." - Yet... improving myself seems not worth it, because, well... just trying to "act good" to "get on God's good side" just won't cut it for me. My mind doesn't work like that. I don't think I can ever be "good enough" so I'm more likely to give up anything I try to do to "get good/better" after a little while.

I don't want to die right now. I really don't. I have dreams. I'm just worried that I'll never get out of this slump. I need work. I need to work badly, and I've been searching and not finding, and it's just been a cycle of dissapointment and it seems that everything I do I fail at.

My counselor told me about E-bay... that I could make money there. I tried. No one paid attention to any of the art I posted. I did get a low bid on some combat boots, but I had to send the customer's money back because they paid on PayPal with a credit card and I couldn't get their money unless I paid PayPal for some kind of a business upgrade I decided I couldn't afford. My bone art - that EVERYONE seems to think is so neat... it seems that no one wants to BUY - everyone who likes my art is poor, too.

So, still hopeful, but thinknig about this stuff... the expensiveness of the world and my lack of work and bad luck in finding work... I come home today from my job hunting and Wal_Mart shopping thinking... "I wonder what would happen if I drank a little bit of bleach diluted in water?"

I mean... I don't really want to die. This is not a suicide attempt... it's more like a "test" in case I do decide I really want to die. I just got this thought in mind, urge, to drink a tiny bit of diluted bleach and see how sick I get, if I get sick at all.

And... at the moment... I have this weird urge to do so. I don't even want to die right now! I don't want to try to committ suicide yet. I just put out some job aps and I have hope. I'm being espeically hopeful for the local gas station that is hiring. (I'm available any day, any hours, which, well, lots of places want... I might get hired just because of that).

But, now, I'm just... curious about the bleach thing.

It's this.. weird urge, this curiousity... it's almost random - like... "I wonder what it tastes like? I wonder how it will feel going down? I wonder if I'll get sick? How sick will I be? Will I be fine, or wind up barfing my guts out and having to call the hospital?"

Does anyone besides me get weird, self-destructive urges like this when they're down about something?

[bakura_fan]

I, unfortunatly, have thought about Suicide whenever I'm depressed. But, so far, I've been able to get through each task givin to me. I don't think that God is not listening to you. One thing I know....God would never tell someone to just get it over with. He created you for a purpose. He put you on this earth for a reason. Maybe he's trying to tell you that you need to rely on him and his timing. I know a lot of things I have wanted to happen at a certain time, but I realized later on, that if those things had occured, I would not have been prepared for them. I hope this makes sense and helps.

Edit: I'm not really good at this sort of thing. Sorry.

[GhostontheNet]

Please remember Christ's teaching of Lazarus and the rich man.

"19 "There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. 20 And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, 21 who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man's table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried, 23 and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side. 24 And he called out, 'Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the end of his finger in water and cool my tongue, for I am in anguish in this flame.' 25 But Abraham said, 'Child, remember that you in your lifetime received your good things, and Lazarus in like manner bad things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in anguish." (Luke 16:19-25 ESV)

Lazarus was extremely down on his luck, covered in sores which the curs licked and in poverty. And yet he remained faithful to the end, this is evident from two things. The first is his going to Abraham's Bosom. The second comes from his name, William Barclay notes of it,

[INDENT]This is the only one of Jesus' parables where any of the characters is given a proper name. Although custom calls the rich man Dives, which is Latin for rich, that name is not in the parable; but Lazarus is named. Why should that be? We cannot say for certain; but Lazarus is the Greek form of the Hebrew name, Eleazar, which means, "God is my help." And the name may well be to emphasize the truth that even if the poor righteous man has no other helper, God is his help.[/INDENT] (William Barclay, The Parables of Jesus p.92.)

Also, if Barclay is right on this meaning, one may have thought that if "God was his help" He did a poor job, yet nobody would dispute Lazarus was the clear winner of this teaching. Please keep this in mind.

[Yeito]

I'm with Bakura_fan. God does NOT want you to take your own life. If that was His plan for you, then why would He have put you here?

Another thing, God knows what we need better than we do. He already knows what we're asking for before we ask. But He wants us to come to Him. He loves us so much. He loves YOU.

He also knows what you can and cannot bear. He knows what will be too much for you. He knows you better than you know yourself.

And you're right, its not about 'getting on God's good side'. It's about coming to trust in Him. Believe that His son, Christ, died for you. Knowing that He loves you so much. Trusting Him. And honoring that trust by being patient, and believing that He'll take care of you.

This may be way off course, but you might want to get rid of any current bleach products you have. Just as a safety measure. o.o;;

Whenever things get too hard, or seem to be too much, just remember that He loves you. That He's always there for you. That He will never leave you.

There was a time when my whole life was in danger of falling apart. (not from suicide or anything, just some stuff.) And on the big day that would decide everything, I went around cleaning the house saying over and over to myself. "God loves me. He will not forsake me. He will be with me no matter what happens. His Will will be done, and I will accept it."

I eventually turned it into a song, but thats not the point. I said that over and over, and believed it. I believe Him. If you do that, you shouldn't have anything to fear. He is with you always, even to the end of the age. (ok yah, thats from the bible )

Hope I helped even a smidge. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me, or if you want to talk via AIM, I'll give you my SN. bye.

Yeito

[EireWolf]

... when am I going to get a job, God? WHEN?! Why are you making me wait so long?

I hope this doesn't sound trite, but... maybe God is waiting because the right one hasn't opened up yet. In the meantime, you're not starving, and your needs are provided for. Yeah, your parents are helping you out a lot, which is hard for an adult to accept, but you have what you need. You will get a job, it just may take a bit of time. It sounds like you're doing your best to get a job -- keep doing that and wait on God for an answer.

Heck, is my destiny suicide and you are just letting me know that I might as well do it and get it overwith?

I hope you know that God would never intend that for anyone. That's Satan talking. Of course it would be "easier" to die sometimes, but that's a permanent (and very bad) solution to a temporary problem. Satan would dance if you offed yourself, because that's one less enemy he would have to deal with.

Shadsie, you have a purpose. Maybe you haven't realized it yet, but God has work for you to do, be it gainful employment or something else. He has blessed you with talent, for one thing. Even if no one is buying the fruits of your labor (i.e., your bone art), do it because you can and you are gifted. I know God has blessed you in other ways, too. Part of life is discovering those blessings and using them.

I've been thinking very logically about this. My family would be sad... but... you know... it might not be such a bad thing. They'll get over it and I won't be a continual finanical burden on them.

Actually, they won't "get over it." Not ever. Your suicide would be a burden on them for the rest of their days. A "financial burden" is worlds easier to bear. It's only money. Your life is worth so much more than that.

Shadsie, please don't even play around with thoughts of harming yourself. You are a precious child of God. I know sometimes you don't see that, or don't believe it, but it is God's truth. These trials are temporary, but God's kingdom is forever. Forever. There is joy to be found, Shadsie, and I will pray that you find it (and a job.)

[Haibane Shadsie]

I'm using my bleach to clean my bathrooms. They need it.

[Banana-chan]

i get those urges when im embarrassed
lol

[CobaltAngel]

I get self detructive urges about 3 times a week. I was just about to cut my arm yesterday... For me, this feeling comes when I feeling totally useless, and like my life is meaningless.

[Zane]

[Fsiphskilm]

I don't know what

[Roy Mustang]

Heck, is my destiny suicide and you are just letting me know that I might as well do it and get it overwith?

That is not true. Never give up, never stop trying, you have keep going.

Listen to me, I have been that path as thinking of giving up and do suicide. But I didn't. We all have our bad times, but we must not forget that everything that we hold dear to us and let that slip away.


Remember this quote.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. - Helen Keller

[JediSonic]

Shadsie I dont know what to say that I or someone else hasnt said to you before except...

Wherever there is life, there is oppertunity. Oppertunity for good times and fun and making hte world a better place and helping people and joy and ultimately, salvation.. that is, eternal LIFE. Killing yourself is almost certainly not the way to eternal LIFE. Life is the best gift God has given us so show him that you love it and you want to make good use of it! And the wolf was right when she said you wont be saving your parents any burdens by killing yourself.

All I can do now is pray for you and all the other people I know who are having trouble seeing why god put them on the earth or carrying that out.

[Heart of Sword]

Alright, I've never even thought about killing myself as life is way too amazing for me. If you killed yourself...you wouldn't be able to go to Otakons anymore, all your friends would grieve and suffer, everyone on the CAA would suffer, you would no longer be able to go on walks, never be able to taste caramel popcorn, you wouldn't be seeing Robert anymore, and you'd lose a ton of very important things.

God loves you and He sent His son to die for you; would you want to basically tell him "thanks, but no thanks" and murder yourself? I would hope not.

For your job situation, you could try pet-sitting, doing housework for people, painting houses, yardwork, or even babysitting. You could make a lot of money that way.

I'll be praying for you.

[Swordguy]

the Lord know your need and he will see to them.

Matt. 7:7-11

7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

keep faith God will see you thru it

[Madeline]

Hold on!
Hold on, hold on, hold on!
Sing a song, dance, do something to keep you sane...but DO NOT lose!
God has awesome plans for you.
That's why Satan is hitting you so hard. He wants you to take your life so that you cannot finish your mission.
This is a war going on here, and your life is on the line.
If God doesn't want you here, you had better bet you wouldn't be here.
This is not logic...it's severe depression and hopelessness.
I've been in this place before, and every second counts.
Bleach is toxic. So is depression.
When stuff this strong hits you, it drains everything from your mind, soul, and body. Altough you may think you're being rational, you're not.
When it happens to me, I can't move or speak or think straight. I just sit there and cry...sometimes I can't even cry. My face just screws in all these wierd expressions and I feel like everything is hopeless
I just want it to be over and gone but it won't leave me alone.
But when it happens, I just think about this...Nothing is worse than the pain. Life can't throw anything at me that is worse than the pain I feel...neither can death. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it really will be over.
But it will.
My advice: Get to your Bible as fast as you can.
Your Bible is your sword, and with it you can defend yourself from what threatens to overtake you.

[ShiroiHikari]

right now I've got this same ugly cloud hanging over my head. the person I love is constantly holding everything over my head, it feels like. get a job. go to school. for some reason things that should be so easy to do just -aren't-. I feel like all people care about is money. I don't care about money. I'd like to go to school, but what if it falls through? what if I can't get a job? I just wish he'd stop holding it over my head.

I can't even make myself try anymore. at least you're still trying, and that's something. keep at it. giving up or 'taking a break' is probably the biggest mistake you could make.

[Lochaber Axe]

I'm not going to rehash what is said about suicide, so I will give everyone here some other words of wisdom from me to think about:


God does not work in Customer Service. He will not answer complaints.

God hears all prayers, but that doesn't mean he won't wait so that it will make you stronger.

God is not to be at your beck and call, YOU are to be at his beck and call.

****

Here is an excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Shadsie, I would really recommend you get this book and spend the 40 days in it. It sums up better what He wants from you, better than what I ever could say.

[indent][indent]Every time you forget that character is one of God's purposes for your life, you will become frustrated by your circumstances. You'll wonder, "Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?" One answer is that life is supposed to be difficult! It's what enables us to grow. Remember, earth is not heavan! (173)
[/indent][/indent]

[JediSonic]

I have heard bad things about the purpose driven life so I couldnt recommend getting it. Which isnt to say the above quote is bad in any way.

Also I thought of a scripture reference to back up what I said earlier. In the parable of the talents (matthew 25:14-30) the "wicked, lazy servant" says "out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground". Suicide is like burying your talent in the ground. The master tells that servant that he should have at least put the talent in the bank so it would have collected interest.. I beleive as long as you're alive, you have your talent in the bank collecting interest or experience so that you can use it for even greater things later on in life.

Btw, shadsie.. you've got some very good talents. And the longer you keep em in the bank so you can use them and then do just that, they'll keep getting better and better!

[Golden_Griff]

I don't know what to say right now except don't give up. Hang in there! I'll pray for you buddy .

[Vash is a plant]

I have heard bad things about the purpose driven life so I couldnt recommend getting it. Which isnt to say the above quote is bad in any way.

I've read it, it's worth reading, but don't everything as total Biblical truth.

On topic, maybe God is trying to get you to leave everything up to him. Give yourself to Him. Trust Him, He'll give you your daily bread. Leave it all up to Him and go where the Spirit guides you. Truely trusting in Him, will take away every worry about money, about jobs, about everything. There is just something sureal about it.

"25Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink]34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.[/U] Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Suicude is a permanant solution to a temporare problem.

[Chazz]

whatever is going wrong in your life, killing yourself isn't going to make anything better. It's just going to make things a hell of a lot worse. Life is precious. It's something you've only got one of. Don't take it for granted. Suicide is never the answer.

Think about the people that care about you. Your parents, your siblings, your friends... What do you think they would feel if you did something like that?

Look, it's just not worth it. Who knows what happens after you die? That might be it. You may never be able to experience feeling again. You might come back as someone else. No one knows. But what I know is that something as important as a human life isn't worth throwing away.

You've only got one life to live. You are in control of it, and only you.

[Gypsy]

You might come back as someone else. No one knows.

I'm not going to start an argument on such a sensitive and serious thread, but I must point out that we only have one life and one soul. There is no coming back, no reincarnation. There are ultimately two places that exist after death. The Bible makes this very clear.

[Yojimbo]

Look, it's just not worth it. Who knows what happens after you die? That might be it. You may never be able to experience feeling again. You might come back as someone else. No one knows. But what I know is that something as important as a human life isn't worth throwing away.

Remember Chazz this a Christian forum I hope you don't have to be reminded of that.

Anyway suicide is the worst thing you can do. Killing your God given body is practically severing your relationship with Him with completely. I won't judge a person who commits suicide on whether they go to heaven or hell, but it is one of the gravest sins. Everyone goes through tough times and I'm sure everyone at one point or another in there life has thought about suicide. God has a plan for you and you need to humble yourself to his will and let him work in your life.

[Golden_Griff]

Shadsie I believe that God will bring you through this. It may happen in the most unexpected way. God brings storms into our lives for two reasons: to correct or to perfect.

Pray and ask God if there's anything you're doing (like sin) that is hindering you from receiving you're blessings; if there is some form of disobedience, He is only trying to correct you and show you the true path. If not, then He's trying to make you stronger through your endurance.

And when you get your breakthrough you'll be praising God like crazy and you'll have one big testimony to share with the world!