Kayla's Wish

[rocklobster]

OK, I'm doing something a little different here. I'm working on a story, but don't want to get writer's block. So, I got an idea! I'll post each chapter here, then get your feedback. Your feedback helps write the final copy, which goes on the blog link in my signature. Ready? Here goes!

Prologue

The accused fairy was brought before Queen Titania. The criminal had long black hair down to her shoulder. her violet eyes shone with defiance.
"Selenia, you have been accused of treason and murder. You have killed three fairies, including my husband and my sister." said the queen.
Selenia was silent and only spit on the ground.
"You have nothing to say in your defense?" asked the queeen.
"Why should I? Your investigation was quite thorough." said Selenia.
"Your acceptance of your guilt will not make this easier." Titania said.
"I was not expecting it to. Can we just skip to the part where you tell me my punishment?" Selenia blew a tuft of hair from her face.
Titania nodded to two guards. "Very well." The guards tied down Selenia with restraints that had a spell cast on them that resisted magic. They then forced a foul-smelling liquid down her throat.
"Selenia, when you approached the Age of Turning, you were given a potion that stopped your aging. Did you not think we had an antidote?" Titania said.
Selenia swallowed the potion with no resistance.
"You now have only forty years to live. Now, for the second part of your punishment, you will be forced to wear those restraints for the remainder of your life. You will not have the pleasure of drawing magic from nature. Finally, you shall be exiled from our domain."
Selenia was led away.
"You do realize she will be taking the child along." said a fairy named Golda.
"I do not know what part that innocent child may be forced to play." said Titania. "We shall have to wait and see."

[Atria35]

Well, where do I start? I'm going to be blunt. Not mean, but blunt.

It looks like there's a typo- the 'black hair to shoulder' should be 'black hair to shoulders'.

You didn't need to take time out for that description of the character- it may only be two lines, but they're obviously there and they inhibit the story's flow. Maybe put something in later, like where S blows a tuft of her hair- mention that it's black.

And a cardinal crime of new writers is here- you aren't letting the characters speak! It's okay to just have dailogue when there are only two characters. Always having '(insert name) said' after every line is annoyingly repetitive. Saying stuff is normal- it's when they're whispering or shouting that you need to indicate that they're comunicating in, well, an other-than-normal way.

There's also no real mood set in the story- it's all very cut-and-dry, with no emotions from the characters, not even a vague description of the setting except for the restraints. Except the restraints are used to tie her down- and just a second later, you say that she has to wear them forever. So she's supposed to stay on the (whatever she's tied down onto) forever? And yet is able to be led away? You need to say that she was snapped into magic-supressing bracelets after being tied down.

Also, what type of room is it? If it's a throne room, it would be wierd to have restraints- unless it's some sort of hasty setup. Or was it deliberately staged in the throne room? Or is it a torture chamber? Or a room just for punishments like this? Is it used often?

Etc. Etc. I'm sure you get the idea. I don't know what to make of the story yet- I'd love to see more soon!

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I'm afraid I side with Atria. There's an interesting idea for a story there but the craft of learning to write something compelling needs work. Just keep at it.

[rocklobster]

DOn't skimp on the negativity, Atria. Believe it or not, it's actually what I'm looking for, because that helps me improve. And the restraints are like the restraining bolts the droids have in Star Wars. Selenia can still walk around, but she can't use magic unless she can find some way to remove them.

[Atria35]

And the restraints are like the restraining bolts the droids have in Star Wars. Selenia can still walk around, but she can't use magic unless she can find some way to remove them.

But note that you had to explain that to me- that means the average reader won't know what you're talking about. So that's why you have to give more detail. Especially since, as I pointed out, you say they tie her down- the restraining bolts in Star Wars were just slapped on. So that statement makes no sense for what you're trying to convey.

As said, so far it just needs some minor adjustment, and I'm excited to see what it looks like whe you polish it up a bit.

[Esoteric]

DOn't skimp on the negativity, Atria. Believe it or not, it's actually what I'm looking for, because that helps me improve.

If you really mean that, then all right, I’m going to be brutally honest. This is not a story. It’s only an idea for one cobbled out in a few rough lines dialogue and action. I see stuff like this posted all the time in forums. CliffsNotes stories. There are a zillion fantasy stories out there about banished people/fairies/elves/whatever. Why should I read this one? Who are these people? Where are they? What are they thinking and feeling? You haven’t shown me anything about the characters that makes me care about what happens to them. I’m yawning here.

When was the last time you picked up a published book and saw scenes in it written like this? When was the last time you picked up a book? Go down to the bookstore, grab a copy of Asimov’s SciFi magazine or something and read. Sentences are carefully structured and compiled into paragraphs. Paragraphs are carefully structure and compiled into scenes. It takes months, even years of work to put together a single two-hour movie. Similarly it takes a lot of sweat and effort on the part of an author to craft something people will find entertaining and worth their time.

I apologize for being so harsh and understand if you don’t like me for saying all this. I’m not trying to mean to you personally. I guess I’m just tired of trying to critique stuff like this. I do honestly wish you luck in improving. Good writing is seriously hard work.

[rocklobster]

Chapter 1--Kayla's Decision
Note: This is the proper beginning for the story
Kayla saw a flickering light outside her barred window.
"You won't believe how troublesome this was!" a voice said.
The light passed between the bars and grew bigger, materializing into a butterfly-winged human about the size of an infant.
"I'm too hungry to care." said Kayla. "If that witch had her way, I'd probably eat once a month if I was lucky. I'm grateful to you, Rela, believe me."
"I know, little one." The fairy nodded and reached into a pocket. He pulled out a plate the size of a dime and waved at it while reciting a spell. The plate grew to the size of a dinner plate.
"Well, there's your meal." he said.
But Rela had been spotted. Moments after Kayla had finished eating, someone knocked on her door. Rela disappeared for safety, as fairies often kept their existence a secret in the human world. Kayla was a special case.
Kayla opened the door and a black-haired woman entered.
"I know that fairy is here." said the woman. "I can sense his presence."
The light re-appeared. Rela materialized himself. "I don't understand. I thought they took away your magic."
"Oh, funny thing about that." said the woman. "I eventually found a way to get rid of those magic-sapping bracelets. I've even managed to get some of my magic back, although not enough to return me to my original state. In fact, I could use some of your magic." She smiled maliciously and recited a spell. Rela felt weak and fell to the ground.
"No! Don't kill him!" Kayla pleaded.
"It's too late. I'm going to enjoy draining his magic from his soul." said the woman.
"Selenia...you will pay..." Rela gasped.
"I hate you!" Kayla exclaimed. "I'm going to run away and live with the fairies! Rela was going to take me anyway."
"Oh child, do you really think they'll accept you?" Selenia laughed.
"Rela has. He doesn't care that you are my stepmother."
"One mind doesn't matter as much as many." Selenia pointed out. Then she thought for a moment. "Oh, I don't care if you do leave. Go ahead."
Kayla was surprised. A smile appeared on her face.
"But you can't take Rela with you. I haven't used his magic yet."
"NO!"
"Child, there is nothing you can do. You humans have no magic. So you see, it's futile. They won't believe you. And Rela will die, so I win either way. So go, I don't care."

[Atria35]

......... Oh, dear. This need quite a lot of work.
For instance, Kayla not knowing that Selenia had gotten rid of her bracelets. How often does she see Selenia? Most likely, she would have known this before.

And again, there is not description of the setting, except that there are barred windows. Where is this set? Are there trees outside? A field? ANd what of the room? Is it carved out of rock? Wooden? Is there anything but the window, like a bed, in there?

Also, the fairy saying "Well, there's your meal" sounds a little cold. Maybe something along the lines of "I got you a little something extra" or "I brought what I could".

Those are just the basics that I'd like to see touched up a bit.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Atria, I think you're being a bit harsh. Sure, it needs much more description and some more work but it's a huge improvement on the first sample we were given.

[Atria35]

Atria, I think you're being a bit harsh. Sure, it needs much more description and some more work but it's a huge improvement on the first sample we were given.

True! Sorry about that.

I'd still like to see the Selenia and the fairy-threatening... not drawn out more, but actually condensed a little. Selenia seems a a bit too much "Haha I'm evil and listen to me talk about how I'm going to do this horrible thing. And you're just standing there and saying I can't'. It could be improved.

Also- what age group is this aimed at? From what I'm seeing, it's YA- but am I wrong?

[rocklobster]

I'm thinking children, maybe tweens for the audience.

[ABlipinTime]

I'm thinking children, maybe tweens for the audience.

teens.

keep up the writing. don't be discouraged. also, remember to keep what God wants in mind when you're writing. that's quite important!

[rocklobster]

Chapter II: Kayla Finds the Green
Kayla only got one thing for her journey, other than the clothes on her back: a jeweled necklace. Inside it was all that remained of her mother--her mother's own soul.
She crossed the lake that surrounded the castle where she lived. She brushed her red hair from her face and smiled. She knew the fairies would accept her. Or at least she hoped.
She soon found herself in a forest. The treees were several feet taller than Kayla, making it difficult for her to see the sun. Not that she was looking for it. Instead, she was looking for a landmark Rela had told her of. She was to look for a circle of rainbow-petaled flowers and mushrooms.
"There they are!" she exclaimed. Then she closed her eyes and recited an incantation Rela had taught her. The air became mist.
"Daughter of Eve, how do you know of those words?" said a voice. A golden orb circled her.
"A fairy named Rela taught it to me." Kayla explained.
"Rela? You know Rela?" the fairy asked. "Oh, wait, my manners have come back. My name is Golda. And what is your name, Daughter of Eve?"
"Kayla." she answered, unsure about this "Daughter of Eve" thing.
"Tell me, Kayla, what is your business here."
"For as long as I can remember, I have lived under Selenia's thumb. I ran away."
"Selenia? The witch? We fairies know her all to well. She was once among our kind." The fairy moved in for a closer look. "Wait a moment! Your eyes--they're purple! I must report you to the queen at once!" the fairy motioned for her to follow.
"Why are my eyes so important?"
"Only fairies have purple eyes. There is only one way you can have those. You must have fairy blood somewhere."
"I was never told anything about that."
"Apparently, Selenia has told you little of your heritage."
"She doesn't even love me. That's the reason I've escaped. Rela told me you could make me one of you."
"Well, I don't have that ability, but I guess our queen could."
They soon came upon the castle. Golda told why they were there. The guards accompanied them into the throne room, where Queen Titania was seated.
"Golda, why have you brought this Daughter of Eve before me?" asked the queen.
"Look at her eyes, my queen." said Golda.
"Come closer, child."
When Kayla came closer, Titania saw her purple eyes. She asked Kayla about how she knew of the fairies and Kayla told her about Selenia and Rela.
"Then this can only mean one thing. Your mother was Varla, my sister. She fell in love with a human, and had you as a result."
"Your majesty, I must ask, why do you call me Daughter of Eve?"
"You mean you know nothing of Adam and Eve, child?" They were your first parents. Ages ago, God molded them out of the Earth. Because you are human, they are your ancestors." She pointed to a cross hanging above her. "Several centuries ago, my people also made a covenant with God in the hopes that He would remove the curse of iron from us. He has said that as long as we abstain from sin, we will not be vulnerable to iron, for iron nails were used to crucify His Son. It is the proof of our covenant."
"Your majesty, I was wondering, could I join your subjects? Selenia does not love me."
"I am not certain you are worthy, child. You will be given a chance to prove your worth. But first, we shall have a feast!"

[Atria35]

She immediately meets the queen? Even if this is for kids, that's highly unlikely. The queen doesn't know if she's dangerous or not- she might be an evil fairy or human, for all she knows. It would be more likely for her to be confronted with guards first.

[rocklobster]

Note: I decided to rewrite that chapter with a new ending because it will impact the next chapter. So, here it is again, but with new ending:
Chapter II: Kayla Finds the Green
Kayla only got one thing for her journey, other than the clothes on her back: a jeweled necklace. Inside it was all that remained of her mother--her mother's own soul.
She crossed the lake that surrounded the castle where she lived. She brushed her red hair from her face and smiled. She knew the fairies would accept her. Or at least she hoped.
She soon found herself in a forest. The treees were several feet taller than Kayla, making it difficult for her to see the sun. Not that she was looking for it. Instead, she was looking for a landmark Rela had told her of. She was to look for a circle of rainbow-petaled flowers and mushrooms.
"There they are!" she exclaimed. Then she closed her eyes and recited an incantation Rela had taught her. The air became mist.
"Daughter of Eve, how do you know of those words?" said a voice. A golden orb circled her.
"A fairy named Rela taught it to me." Kayla explained.
"Rela? You know Rela?" the fairy asked. "Oh, wait, my manners have come back. My name is Golda. And what is your name, Daughter of Eve?"
"Kayla." she answered, unsure about this "Daughter of Eve" thing.
"Tell me, Kayla, what is your business here."
"For as long as I can remember, I have lived under Selenia's thumb. I ran away."
"Selenia? The witch? We fairies know her all to well. She was once among our kind." The fairy moved in for a closer look. "Wait a moment! Your eyes--they're purple! I must report you to the queen at once!" the fairy motioned for her to follow.
"Why are my eyes so important?"
"Only fairies have purple eyes. There is only one way you can have those. You must have fairy blood somewhere."
"I was never told anything about that."
"Apparently, Selenia has told you little of your heritage."
"She doesn't even love me. That's the reason I've escaped. Rela told me you could make me one of you."
"Well, I don't have that ability, but I guess our queen could."
Unbeknowst to Kayla and Golda, they were being watched by Selenia, using a magical pool.
"She is foolish enough to think she will not be watched." Selenia thought. "She doesn't realize that her departure was actually a part of my plan." She clapped her hands and a giant, doglike monster called a zagool appeared.
"What do you wish, my mistress?" it asked.
"Our plan is ready." said Selenia.
Moments later, there was commotion in the kingdom as the zagool attacked. When it spotted Kayla, it lunged after her.
"What does that thing want with you?" asked Golda.
"I don't know. I know it works with Selenia, but it's never bothered me before."
The monster leapt onto her and bit her neck. She screamed as the world blurred around her and she fell unconscious.
Golda composed himself and readied an arrow on a spring-loaded crossbow he had on his arm. He fired at the zagool and knocked it out.
A guard came to help.
"About time you showed up." said Golda crossly. "She could still be alive. I think the Queen could help her. She knows how to handle zagool bites."
The guard nodded and brought her to a guest room in the castle.

[Atria35]

^ Hmmm. "Daughter of Eve" thing probably should be taken out if you aren't going to expand on that.

Also, during the attack, having Golda and Kayla talk about why it's attacking while standing there.... It just doesn't work. There's no description of the zagool, and if it's attacking, no sane person would just stand there. They'd run and grab tree branches to fend it off, or something like that, but they wouldn't just stand there.

[rocklobster]

I took your advice and fixed it for the blog. You know, I like the advice you're giving. It's really helping.

Chapter III: Kayla's Request

Queen Titania was alterted to Kayla's injury and came to help.
"So this is the child who was attacked by the zagool." She place a hand on the bite and weaved a spell, counteracting the poison. When she awakened, Kayla looked into Queen Titania's purple eves.
"What is your name, child?" asked the red-haired queen.
"Kayla." said Kayla weakly.
"May I see your necklace?"
Kayla handed her the necklace. As Titania held it, she felt a familiar aura.
"So you are my neice." Titania said. "This necklace holds the soul of my sister Varla. Varla fell in love with a human and that love must have created you. Did she give this to you before she died?"
"No. I got it from Selenia. I was wondering something. Golda told me you could make me a fairy. Would you?" she clapped her hands pleadingly.
"Kayla, are you truly sure you want to give up your humanity? Why do you wish to join us?"
"Because I am unloved. If I am one of your kind, perhaps you will love me."
"Child, I cannot give you your wish just because you want it. However, you did come all this way. I believe I can do something." She placed a hand on Kayla's forehead and recited a spell.
Kayla felt as though she was falling. Everything around her grew bigger. THen she felt as though her entire body had turned to ice. Sharp pains assaulted her back.
"What have you done?" she exclaimed. "It hurts!"
"Nothing is gained without suffering. It is time you learned that."
Moments later, the change was complete. Titania called for one of her guards, a female fairy named Tolka. A brown-haired fairy entered the room moments later.
"Tolka, I want you to take care of this child. She was once under Selenia's thumb and wishes to be one of us."
"Your highness, if that is true, then I must refuse. May I speak freely?"
Titania nodded. Unlike Selenia, she welcomed differences of opinion, provided they were reasonably presented.
"Do we know anything about this child?" asked Tolka. "She lived with Selenia. You naively think she is to be trusted? Your highness, for all we know, she could be working for Selenia!"
Kayla started to object, but Titania shushed her.
"I understand." said the queen. "But we cannot know for certain where her loyalty lies unless we test it. Besides, she is not a full-fledged fairy yet."
"What do you mean?" Kayla asked crossly. "I have wings! I'm pretty sure I can even work them and fly!" She tried to do so but was unable to fully control her pattern. She eventually landed and realized it would be best to remain as calm and silent as possible.
"I purposely left the spell unfinished." Titania explained. "You look like us, true. But you possess no magic. I am testing you and if you pass, you will gain magic."
"And how can I pass?" Kayla asked.
"My people are brave, unselfish, and resilient. You must show that you possess all these qualities. But I will not be so heartless as to give you no one to protect you. That is why I chose you, Tolka."
Tolka shook her head. "I feel you are making a mistake, my queen. But I suppose I can fulfill your request. We won't know what Selenia is planning otherwise." She turned to Kayla.
"What is your name?" Tolka asked.
"Kayla."
"Well Kayla, I think you need some clothes, so that's what we'll do first. Your human ones are now obviously too big."

[Atria35]

Hrm. Minor wording question- should it be "weaved a spell" or "wove a spell"? I'm thinking the latter, but both seem viable.

Also, minor misspelling in the beginning. "alterted to Kayla's injury" should be "alerted"

And I'm wondering whether she should attempt to fly. It seems a little abrupt, and actually, the story just says that she has sharp pains on her back so it seems really.... out of place? Perhaps you should replace that with something along the lines of "Kayla examined her wings with wonder", and maybe some description of them?

[rocklobster]

Torla gave Kayla a hand. "I know someone who makes good clothes. She also happens to be my sister. It'll only take a few minutes to get there."
Kayla just stood there sheepishly. She didn't like being naked among strangers.
"Look, don't worry about being naked. A lot of us fairies don't wear much anyway."
Moments later, they were at Torla's house, where she lived with her sister. A green-haired fairy greeted them.
"Mutia, this is our new houseguest."
Mutia waved hello.
"She also needs new clothes. She used to be human but Titania took pity on her." Torla explained.
Mutia nodded and made gestures.
"What's all that about?" Kayla asked.
"She can't talk. And do you know why? Because your guardian, Selenia, took out her vocal cords when she caught Mutia spying. Now she only uses her hands to talk instead. SHe just said she'll start making your clothes." Torla said cruelly.
Mutia made more gestures.
"She doesn't deserve kindness, Mutia." said Kayla. "For all we know, she maybe working for SLenia."
Kayla had had enough. SHe slapped Torla. "Stop that! Do you realize how she treats me? It's a wonder I'm still alive. She doesn't feed me. My clothes are rags. Frankly, I don't even know why she even took me in. Whatever plans she has for me, I want nothing to do with them."
Mutia began taking measurements.
"Sorry, but you're not going to get any sympathy out of me. As far as I'm concerned, you're the enemy."
"What can I do to make you change your mind?"
"For starters, you can get rid of that necklace."
"But that's my mother's soul. It's all I have of her."
"Exactly. You're not letting her rest. She deserves that, at least."
Kayla took off her necklace crossly. "Here. Happy now?"
"You might as well know the proper way to do it. Torla sighed. "Mutia, we'll be a few minutes."
Mutia nodded and made some gestures.
"She says we can go. SHe has what she needs." She led her to their back entrance.
Torla placed the necklace in the ground and broke it with her sword. A mist encircled them.
"Kayla, my child, do not grieve for me." said a voice.
"Mother?" Kayla asked.
"Yes, child. I am your mother. I do not wish for you to grieve. FInd the happiness Selenia stole from us."
Torla began to realize she might have misjudged Kayla. But she wasn't about to change her mind. As she led Kayla back inside, she said. "I haven't decided whether to trust, you by the way. You still have some work to do."

[Atria35]

The whole clothes thing, well... there's no sign or been anything that shows that the fairies don't usually wear much. Maybe sometime earlier, Kayla would notice that they were all naked or close to naked?

"She doesn't deserve kindness, Mutia." said Kayla. "For all we know, she maybe working for SLenia."- I don't think that it's Kayle who says this....

Kayla had had enough. SHe slapped Torla. - Ummm. I know Kayla is upset. But is it really a good idea for her to go around HITTING one of the people that is helping her? Torla can use that as evidence that Kayla is just as cruel as Selenia.

Also, the destroying of the neclance is sudden and a bit much, ESPECIALLY considering who Kayla's mom was! That would probably be done in public, with some ceremony.

[musicaloddball]

I'm kind of a noob around here, and I just wanted to say, some of the comments here aren't very welcoming. I'm not talking about constructive criticism, which I always appreciate.

Anyway. This is a fine place to start, but I agree with Esoteric that this story needs to be fleshed out. You do that by fleshing out your characters. And you do that by knowing each one like your best friend. Remember that people are made up of three parts, physical, mental, spiritual, and know every character's physical, mental, and spiritual make-up. (Spiritual does not just mean religion, but can mean anything related to the higher realm of ideals, the supernatural, etc.)

General writing tip: try to stay away from vague words like "thing" "person" "human" "object" "article" etc. These words don't help you in your job of describing your setting.

Emotion is SO important. When I read this story, I see a lot of dialogue and not a whole lot of emotional reaction. I can see it sometimes, but I'd like to see more.

Kayla has grown up with a murderous witch, literally. She has been neglected, abused, and wrongfully imprisoned for a large chunk of her life. Don't you think she'd be scarred emotionally and psychologically? Wouldn't she have more problems than a some irritation at Torla? Wouldn't the news of her release from the witch bring her more than a smile? I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your character, but it just seems like Kayla has been through a lot, and I'm not seeing the kind of pain I would expect as a result of her painful experiences.

Also, I can already see you're getting better as far as description. But one thing that took me a long time to learn is that descriptions of people are not really supposed to only describe what they look like. A first description is a first impression. If you were meeting this character for the first time, what would you notice? A look in his eye? The way he smiles? The way he stands or walks or talks? Sure, size, eye color, hair length etc., might be among the things you notice, but I know there would be more interesting things. And honestly, after meeting a person for the first time, would you really be able to tell me his/her hair length? Are those kinds of things really that important to a first impression? Are they important to your reader's first impression of the character? There is no right answer to my questions, because every character is different and every first impression is different. Just something to think about.

Murb (my net alias)