Perhaps though, worst of this experience is that I haven't had the ability to cry for almost two years now in my memory. I have wanted to, but even when I gained the rare feeling of sadness or the frequent feeling of extreme emotional pain or unbearable stress, it were as though a dam held back the waters of my soul. And slowly I drowned beneath the tears unreleased. Tears are a strange thing, because humans are one of the few creatures that cry when we are sad. So if I couldn't cry, I even felt that I had lost my humanity.
So, this has strangely been one of the things I have desired for a long time, and tonight as the rain fell on Flagstaff and the smell or earth filled the air once again. I cried. I cried for ten, fifteen minutes. I was actually in public, but wouldn't stop myself for the world. I felt the feeling of moist warm salty dewdrops roll down my cheek and the release of so much pain from within my crooked soul. I could have cried for hours, but five, ten, fifteen minutes I simply lost myself in the bliss and was thankful for every moment. It was everything I had so long desired. God it was so much release that I so very much needed. So, I want to post a strange report of praise, a praise to say that I am thankful to God for that, for a few moments of being human.
I know that I still have a long journey back to being me, to being a fully alive once again. And I so very much need God to restore my soul, but I at least have this fragment of hope, this fragile and beautiful feeling of a few tears. And I wanted to post, to say I treasured them. I want to feel more of them, I want to feel every emotion that I have long forgotten and experience life in the color that I threw away so long ago. But right now, I just want to post to be thankful, thankful for a few tears.
-Pascal
