Favorite jokes

[ADXC]

Fish is just that funny that he doesn't even need to make a post in this thread to tell a joke. His jokes transcend thread barriers and straight into the user's mind.

[FukuokaGirl]

So, as an English major, I've been sort of mulling around writing my great novel one day, ya know? And since I'm really into history and Asian culture, I was thinking about using a plot line of a Buddhist monk that unfortunately found himself caught up in the communist revolution in China.
I was thinking of titles and decided upon "That was Zen, This is Mao."

^_~ ba dum chh

[KagayakiWashi]

I was thinking of titles and decided upon "That was Zen, This is Mao."

^_~ ba dum chh

I've seen that on a bumper sticker before, hahaha!

[KumaruRockz]

Would you consider this joke sacrilegious?

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."






One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."












There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

They go into the barn and look everywhere.

One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

[Icarus]

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

That reminds me of this one:

An Aggie needed groceries, so he went to the store. When he got there, he told the clerk "I'd like some tomaters, potaters, and unjuns." To which the clerk replied "You must be an Aggie."

"How'd you know?"
"Because of you accent."

At this point, the Aggie is furious. He storms out of the store, gets in his car and slams the door before driving off. As he drives, he practices, saying "Tomatoes, potatoes, onions. Tomatoes, potatoes, onions." After a while of this, he sees the sign for another store, and realizes that he left the first one without his groceries. Naturally, he pulls in.

Once he finds the clerk, he says, quite distinctly, "Hello. I'd like some tomatoes, some potatoes, and some onions." The clerk immediately exclaimed "You must be an Aggie!"

"How could you know? I said everything right!"

...
"This is a furniture store."



An Aggie was doing miserably in school. After about 10 years, he'd only managed to pass three courses or so. Finally, the administrators had had enough. Apparently having watched "Van Wilder," they decided to ask him three question and if he got them right, he graduates, if not...Well, it hadn't really been fun knowing him. Anyway, they told the student in question, and then sent invitations to all the alumni they could find to come to Rudd arena and witness the test.

The day came, and the arena was packed. They took the Aggie out to the center of the field to a stage they had set up and began.

"What color is the sky?"

He thought for a minute, squinting at the sky, and muttering to himself, before answering "Blue?"

"Good, just two more. What's one, plus one?"

The Aggie stood there for a minute. He looked up, he looked down, left and right. After what seemed forever, he started counting on his fingers... Backwards. "10... 7... 4...1. 10...8...6...4...2." When that didn't work he tried forwards. Finally, he decided to count on his fingers. "One... TWO! THE ANSWER'S TWO!"

The judges were impressed. Considering his previous academic performance, they hadn't thought he would get this far. When the applause died down, it was time for his final question:

"Spell 'cat.'"

"C...
...
...
aaaA...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

...
T?"



As soon as they heard the last letter, every other Aggie there, alumni and student alike, leaped to their feet and shouted

"Give him another chance!"

[Fish and Chips]

Fish, your joke was tasteless and sexist...

Just the way I like it. XD

If I'm going to be called out in a thread, I might as well post in it.

The title is "Favorite Jokes," but I'm not sure I can post my top favorite joke, so here is a completely different one.



Three British explorers are traveling in the African continent. Along with their baggage and hunting equipment, they bring along an African guide, fluent in both English and the various tribal languages.

Suddenly, the convoy is attacked and the expedition is captured. They are taken to the local chief. Stroking his beard with a heavily tattooed hand, he speaks incomprehensibly. The guide turns to the three explorers. "He says that they have captured you, and that you are to be eaten. However, he is wise to the prejudices of the Europeans, and so to prove to you that they are not uncivilized, he will allow each of you to choose your death."

The explores are astounded and frightened. "E-Eaten? We'll be eaten?"

"You will be eaten, and your clothes and equipment will be sold to the traders, and your skin will be used to make canoes. I," he added, somewhat nervously, "Will be spared. They think I am one of their brothers."

Left will few comfortable options, the explorers grimly accepted their fate. The guide was untied, and he walked over to the Chief's right hand. "I will translate these men's wishes."

"It shall be so," replied the Chief, nodding in approval.

The first explorer stood up, calmly, and made his request. "He wishes for a gun to take his life." The Chief motioned and one of his servants stepped forward with a revolver with a single bullet. The explorer took the gun, pointed it at his head, and shot himself, falling backwards into the dust. As they dragged his body away, the second explorer stumbled to his feet. "He wishes to be beheaded." Again, with a sweep of his arm, the chief summoned his strongest warrior, a large man wielding a crude scimitar. The second explorer felt to his knees and leaned forward, and the man took off his head in a clean slice. It rolled for several yards before coming to rest against a tree.

As they dragged his body away, the third explored stood nervously, but determined. "He wishes for..." the guide paused, unsure of his words, "...a fork." The Chief eyed him suspiciously, but snapped his fingers, and a retainer, having dug through the explorer's belongings, produced a single silver fork. The explorer took the fork, then suddenly started stabbing himself all over in rapid succession. His arms, his leg, his chest, impaling himself furiously over and over again. The tribe watches aghast. Finally the man, tearing out the fork, throws it to the ground and laughs maniacally.

The guide turns slowly to the Chief. "He says...'So much for your canoe!'"

[Azier the Swordsman]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were sentenced to be executed.

The redhead comes out first before the firing squad;

"READY... AIM...."

"TORNADO!" The redhead points and yells. Everyone turns and looks in the direction she's pointing and the redhead manages to get away.

Next is the brunette's turn.

"READY... AIM..."

"TSUNAMI!" The Brunette points and yells. Everyone turns around to look for the tsunami and the brunette gets away.

The blonde sees all of this and decides it will be a piece of cake.

"READY... AIM..."

"FIRE!"

-

A man is showing a painter through his house to tell him what color to paint each room. "Now, this room I would like painted blue." The man says. The painter walks over to the window and yells out; "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The man takes the painter to another room; "Now, this is going to be the baby's room and I would like it painted pink." The painter again goes over to the window and yells out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

Really confused, the man shows the painter yet another room. "This room I would like done red." The painter goes to the window and yells out, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Exasperated, the man asks;

"I keep asking you for all these colors, and every time you go to the window and yell 'Green side up'!"

"I can explain." the painter said. "I've got some Aggies outside planting grass."

[KumaruRockz]

What's an Aggie?

[rocklobster]

An Aggie is a student of Texas A&M University. They're stereotypically portrayed as stupid.
Anyway, here's a joke for you:
How many superheroes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they're too busy chasing villains.

[Mithrandir]

Aggie is somewhat more broadly defined that than, actually.

[Radical Dreamer]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?















It's a really obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.

[KumaruRockz]

Haha ok thanks guys. That's what I thought it was.

[rocklobster]

Did you hear about the Japanese banks?
The Origami bank has folded.
The Karaoke bank is for sale for a song.
The Sumo bank has gone belly up.
And something fishy is going on at the Sushi bank.

[KumaruRockz]

Wow. xD

[Ratrace]

Two men and a woman are training to be assassins. They make it all the way to the final test. Their instructor hands the first man a gun, points to a door and tells him to kill the person inside. He walks in, sees his wife tied to a chair, bursts into tears and gives in. The instructor hands the second man a gun and points to a different room. After five minutes the man comes out crying, says he can't do it and gives in. Finally the instructor hands a gun to the woman and points to a room. The woman gos in and sees her husband. She makes a racket for ten minutes. When she comes out the instructor asks her what all the noise was. The woman is furious and yells "Some idiot forgot to load the gun and I had to beat him to death with his chair!"