I'm not sure how to tell my dad no...

[GracefulRocker]

Let me start off by saying that I love my dad. I really do. However, I cannot stand to be around him. I cringe at the thought of speaking to him, let alone going out to visit him for a weekend. (He lives 45 minutes away. I live with my mom.) I need to just tell him why I keep making excuses for not going out there,but I'm tired of lying, but I don't want to break his heart.

I hadn't seen him since June until this past Thursday. Just before school started, in August, he called and asked if we were going to get back on a regular visitation schedule. I decide to say no, and tell him how I feel, but instead, I broke down sobbing, and was so upset, that I couldn't speak. (I hate confrontation with him.) He got angry and said that he would come and pick me up for lunch the next day so that we could talk. Not knowing what else to do, I agreed. Once I calmed down, I realized what a bad idea being trapped with him would be. So, I called him back a nd said I couldn't go, that I wasn't ready yet. He was furious. He hung up on me, called me brother, and tried to get him on his side. Luckily, my bro stood by me. This incensed my dad even more. He shouted, "FINE! When you guys want to have a dad again, give me a call! Screw you!" and hung up. He didn't call until 4 weeks later.

Let me explain my dad. He's a preacher, very charasmatic. He likes to sing and perform for large audiences. He's extremely social and outgoing. That's in public. He's actually very 2-faced and self centered. No one else is ever right. He can be violent when angry, although he's never hit me. Hehasn't bought me new clothes to wear at his house for 3 years, becuase he says "the ones you have should still fit." So I always have to bring clothes with me when I go. It's a hassle, and it make shim mad anyways. Obviously, he has an anger problem. He has remarried, and the woman is awful. She really is unfair, and when I explain this to my dad, he, duh, gets mad. He has a way of making me feel small and stupid every time I speak. That's why I can't figure out how to tell him how I feel. He'll just take everything I say, squash it, and dump it back in my face.

Now, he called, like I said, 4 weeks later, wanting to get together. I was so caught off guard, I agreed to an afternoon visit. Throughout the whole ordeal, he tried to guilt me into coming back over for this weekend. He used the "I haven't got to see you in so long...", the "what about your 2 half siblings?", and also, "I'll buy you new clothes" excuses. He also mentioned that a man I knew when I was little had died, and that the funeral was on Saturday. They were all low blows, but I knew that all of them were bluffs. (The man he spoke of had died 3 years ago!!!)
In the end, just to get him to shut up, I agreed to not this week end, but the one after, as well as dinner on Thursday.

I don't want to see him. I'm not sleeping at night, I'm so stressed. I'm just so sick of all of the verbal and emotional abuse. I honestly want to just stop seeing him all together and get to know those 2 siblings when their older, becaus eI tired of taking this. But, I hate offending people. I'm a doormat, and I don't want to hurt him... I don't know how to tell him no!!!

Does any one have any advice?

[Raiden no Kishi]

Have you spoken to your mother about it?

.rai//

[GracefulRocker]

Yes. Those are pretty much the same reasons she divorced him for. She says that she'll stand by whatever I do. But she also knows how he is, and isn't sure how to go about this either...

I know that since I'm almost 18, he can't take us to court and demand visitation. Any judge would laugh at him. But that still dosn't change the fact that my brain shuts down and I cry every time I try to discuss this with him.

[Raiden no Kishi]

I would advise you to just say that you don't want to get into it at the moment, but being with him is very stressful, and until that changes, you need to be separate. Otherwise, I can't say much. I understand how sticky your situation is, although not from personal experience.

.rai//

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I think that deep down he really misses you. I too have separated parents (they separated recently) and my dad tends to call me all the time. It gets kind of annoying, but I understand he misses me. Though it's really awkward seeing him and stuff.

Maybe you should call him and say you want to meet him. Of course you should only do that when you feel more comfortable.

[Felix]

Gee, I don't really know what to tell you. I think you should try to be as open and honest with him as possible, and try to keep from getting upset when he gets mad at you.
You should pray a lot about it, too. Ask God to forgive him and change his heart and to give you the strength to confront him and to be honest and loving with him as well.
Just remember, no matter how bad a situation seems, God can always make it into something beautiful, so stick to Him and trust Him and look for the openings and clues He gives you.
I'll be praying.

[KBMaster]

Huh, your dad kinda sounds like my dad. I agree with Felix; just pray about it and see what God tells you.

[Anna Mae]

Perhaps you could write a letter telling him how you feel. Then you could speak your mind without having him interrupt you or upset you immediately. That way you could also think through what you want to tell him so that you don't end up saying something you don't want to say.

You also said that you would like to get to know your half siblings when they are older. I would caution you that your father might, if things don't end up going his way, paint you as an enemy to your half siblings, alienating them from you. I have known situations in which this has happened, and it is very sad, so I just wanted to warn you that you may not get the chance to have contact with them later unless they see through his facade also.

[GracefulRocker]

Thanks for all of your suggestions! I have to go and see him this Thursaday, and I'm having to go to his house this weekend. I'm really nervous, and I'm still partially unsure as to how successful my attempts will be.

Anna Mae brought up a valid point. My dad does have a tendancy to trash talk and bash those who pull away from him. He talks about my mom all the time, and when I ask him to stop, he mocks me. He will most definitely paint me as the bad guy to my little brother and sister, especially since they are so young, (One 3 years and the other is 8 months). However, I hope that some day, as most people in my family have, they will realize just how ridiculous my dad can be, and perhaps be open to getting to know me. Only time will tell.

As for confronting him, I've been doing alot of praying and thinking, and I think I will try writing down all of my reasons and explanations before hand, to help organize my thoughts. I might even have them with me at the time in case I really do go blank again.

Frankly, I'm terrified of what he might do or say, but I know that I've got God on my side. Please pray for me! I'm going to need it!!!

[Jack Bond]

That's sad...

I suggest you call Dr. Laura... *Shrug*

[GracefulRocker]

Dr. who?

[Yumie]

I was going to suggest the same the Anna Mae did! Write a letter. My cousin did that when she broke up with a guy who she had known for a really long time, because she was afraid she would be too emotional to be able to say all the things she needed to say, so she just sat down and rationally wrote out all the things on her heart, and sat next to him as he read the letter.

Other than it just helping you get the things you need to say said without your emotions inhibiting you, this would also be good because even if he was not willing to listen at first, he may pull the letter out of his pocket later when your not there and really read it. Your words would stay with him longer and therefore be more effective. And where he could misconstrue something you'd said before, there's no pretending a letter says something it doesn't.

But before you do anything, the big "duh" answer is pray about it. From the way your father behaves, there's the possibility that he may not be walking closely with the Lord. So I would pray for him about that. Then, pray that God will give you strength and wisdom that you never had before when your with him, to be honest and loving no matter what he does. And that your dad will be understanding and see things from your point of view.

And finally, if he's unwilling to be understanding, you may need to ask your mom to let your dad know that until he takes you seriously about the issues with your relationship, that you are uncomfortable spending time with him. Give him the chance to change, but don't let him walk all over you either.

Sorry this post is so long. I hope everything works out for you and I'll pray God will give you peace and wisdom.

[Sapphire225]

Maybe you should tell him how you feel. I have a strict father, but he isn't seperated. He doesn't hit me or anything like that. But he does hurt my feelings when he yells about me. I don't talk to my father as much, but after a couple months, I think somewhere this June, I told him that his yelling had kind of scared me and that it deeply hurts my feelings. He apologized and stopped yelling (except at my brother, who I must say, is very hard-headed and whiny, even though I love him dearly) and we seemed to get closer together.

[Nate]

Dr. who?

Sorry, I don't think he'd be of much help, unless you wanted to time travel. >.>

Anyway, jokes aside, I've been praying for you for a while, and your dad too. Hope things work out.