The joke thread returns!

[rocklobster]

When I first logged on here, I started a joke thread. Now that we got some newbies, I'll do it again. Post your favorite CLEAN (don't want any strikes here folks!) jokes here as often as you like.
Here's one of mine:
A pope died and went to Heaven. When St. Peter got his affairs in order, he took him to his house, which was basically a shack. The next day, he saw St. Peter take someone else to a house, which was a HUGE mansion. The pope was enraged.
"St. Peter, I don't understand. I served God faithfully as a pope. Why do I get a shack and he gets a mansion?" he asked.
St. Peter replied, "Popes come here all the time. But this is our first politician."

[Agent Anderson]

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

It gnawed off 3 legs and was still stuck in the bear trap.

[SnoringFrog]

Three men were walking down the street. Two of the men walked into a bar, the third man ducked.

[rocklobster]

Huh? I don't get it.
Here's another one.
How many professional wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
5--one to change it, 4 to fake it.
(Please don't flame me, Wrestling Otaku!)

[SnoringFrog]

Okay, replace "bar" with the words "long metal pole" and add "underneath it, thus saving himself from a nasty headache." to the end.

Make sense now?

[Tommy]

For those of you who were unfortunate enough to view this in the chat here it is again:

American: Help me, I'm sinking!
German: Vat are yoo sinking about?

[Animus Seed]

Huh? I don't get it.
Here's another one.
How many professional wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
5--one to change it, 4 to fake it.
(Please don't flame me, Wrestling Otaku!)

In the same vein:

Q: How many emo-kids does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: 3. One to change the light-bulb, one to cry over it, and one to stand back and say, "This is so emo!"

[Doubleshadow]

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That is NOT funny.

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hey, wanna go ride bikes?

[Rachel]

Q: What do you call three blondes in a freezer?



A: Frosted flakes

[Azier the Swordsman]

Church Bulletin Bloopers...

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

3. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

5. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

6. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

8. Our next song is 'Angels We Have Heard Get High'.

9. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

12. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

[Azier the Swordsman]

(Why doth the CAA like to eat long posts so much?)

Nothing is funnier than the truth...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put all our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hair dryer. 'Do not use while sleeping'. [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.]

2. On a bag of Fritos: 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details Inside'. [Evidently this is a shoplifter special.]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap'. [And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'Serving suggepen packet, eat nuts'. [Step 3: Fly United.]

14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

[xblack_x_rosesx]

Nice. But I have a joke NONE of yall can beat. Unless someone already posted it. But I am far to lazy to look back.

Ekhem.

There are two muffins in an oven.
One muffin goes "HOLY CRAP! ITS HOT IN HERE!"
And the other muffin goes "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Ahaha! That one cracks me up every time. A real knee slapper there.

[Nate]

This one isn't too bad, so I'll post it. XD

A woman is at a pet shop, when she sees a parrot for extremely cheap. She asks the pet store owner, "Excuse me sir, why is that parrot so cheap?"

"Ah, it's simple," the owner responds. "That parrot used to be in a house of ill repute, so some of the things it says can be a bit off color at times."

The woman walked up to the parrot, and the parrot looked at her and said, "New mistress." The woman was a bit taken aback, but figured it wasn't so bad and bought the parrot, setting it up in the front room of her house.

Later that day, the woman's two teenage daughters came back from school, and when they walked through the door the parrot said "New mistress...new girls." The girls were confused, but she explained it to them and they all had a good laugh about it.

Later that evening, the woman's husband returned home from work and the parrot said, "Oh, hi Bob!"

[Ratrace]

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hair dryer. 'Do not use while sleeping'. [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.]

2. On a bag of Fritos: 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details Inside'. [Evidently this is a shoplifter special.]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap'. [And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'Serving suggepen packet, eat nuts'. [Step 3: Fly United.]

14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

on the bottom of a cake box: do not hold upside down.

on a rearview mirror: objects in mirror are behind you.

A blond woman decides to dye her hair brown. Later she gos for a drive in the countryside and comes across a farmer moving his sheep. They start talking and she asks him "if I can guess the number of sheep you have, can I keep one?". The farmer agrees, and the blond says 357. The farmer is surprised as she got it right, and lets her choose a sheep. Looking through the sheep, she finds one thats much cuter, friendlier and more playful than the rest. Coming up to her the farmer asks "if I can guess your real hair colour, can I have I dog back?".

[Doubleshadow]

Southern joke.

An officer pulled over a drunk good ol' boy and asked him, "Sir, do have any ID?" and the man answered, "About what?"

[boerseun]

What do you call a polar bear in the desert?

Lost

[rocklobster]

Some of my favorite bumper stickers:

• My kid beat up your honor student
• Don't follow me--I'm lost too!
• My kids and my money go to (insert university here)
• Horn broken--watch for finger
• Your village called...their idiot is missing.

[Rachel]

Nice. But I have a joke NONE of yall can beat. Unless someone already posted it. But I am far to lazy to look back.

Ekhem.

There are two muffins in an oven.
One muffin goes "HOLY CRAP! ITS HOT IN HERE!"
And the other muffin goes "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Ahaha! That one cracks me up every time. A real knee slapper there.

Dude! I tell that joke all the freakin time!!! Seriously, everyone at work hates it now!

[Bobtheduck]

Church Bulletin Bloopers...

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

3. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

5. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

6. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

8. Our next song is 'Angels We Have Heard Get High'.

9. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

12. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Oh, I love these... There was an entire book full of things like this... Another one of the bulletin things said "Come to the church boutique, where the women will be casting off clothing of every kind" I wish I still had that book... Got it from a lending library in Chico... I returned it like a good boy... Here's a larger collection of those quotes, though...

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/bondono2/WebJokes/Joke0002.html

While I did find a lot of similar jokes, a number of the pages had really nasty jokes, so i'd suggest not wandering the site...

[rocklobster]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Reverend are on their way to a meeting when they come across a river. The Reverend steps out and walks right on the water. So does the Baptist minister. The Catholic priest thinks a minute and then steps out, but falls in.
The minister says, "I guess we should've told him where the rocks are."

[soul alive]

A blonde boards a plane heading to Miami, although she has tickets for coach, she notices that there are several seats in first class still open and sits in one. As the stewardesses prepare for take-off, one notices the extra passenger in first class. She approaches the blonde and asks for her ticket, which proves to be for coach. The stewardess then informs the blonde that she can not sit in first class and must go to her assigned seat.
The blond crosses her arms and says, "I'm a blonde, I'm going to Miami, and I'm going in first class."
Frustrated, the stewardess asks the co-pilot for help. He approaches the blonde and politely asks her to move.
She replies again, "I'm a blonde, I'm going to Miami, and I'm going in first class."
The co-pilot heads back into the cockpit and asks the pilot for help, explaining the situation. The pilot nods and says, "I know what to do, my wife's a blonde."
The pilot approaches the blonde and says a few words to her. She immediately turns pale, picks up her things, and heads back to coach.
Curious, the co-pilot and stewardess ask the pilot what he said.
He smuggly replies, "I told her that first class is not going to Miami."

----
Dumb jokes:

Q - How do you kill a blue elephant?
A - With a blue elephant gun.
Q - How do you kill a pink elephant?
A - Choke it until it turns blue and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Q - Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A - It was dead.
Q - Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A - It was dead, too.
Q - Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A - Monkey see, monkey do.
Q - Why did the parrot fall out of the tree?
A - It thought it was a monkey.

Termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

[rocklobster]

A female crab notices a male crab walking frontways instead of sideways like all the other crabs. She thinks this crab must be something special, so she decides to go out with him.
However, on their first date, her new suitor starts walking sideways.
"Wait!" she says. "When I first saw you, you were walking frontways. Why are you acting like everyone else?"
The male crab replies "Lady, I can't get drunk every night!"

[Agent Anderson]

For sale:
Parachute
used only once
never been opened
small stain