ummm...me attempting to write a story

[Icarus]

Yes! Good dialogue, but I noticed one small thing. Trivial, actually; but then, trivia and nuances are hobbies of mine.

>Ruruki smirked.

Smirking has connotations that seem out of place given the respect with which he was treating Hajima. It's not something you do with someone you're trying to honor. Might I suggest "Ruriki smiled ruefully?" As far as the muscles involved, there is only a small difference, but it adds a deal of respect to the expression.

[true_noir_chloe]

I'm repeating what everyone else has said, your dialogue was done well. ^_^ Keep it up.

[Kesshin]

So, Churchgirl, when will we get to read more?

[churchgirl111]

sorry everyone been sick..i will be posting as much as I can...


Chitana rubbed the sleep from her eyes. It was morning, the sun had started to rise when she groggily woke. I must have really been tire, she thought.

Kyoshen had to teach so she figured it would be good to explore the village. He had insisted of accompanying her but she flatly refused. Afterall he had his students.

She sighed. Maybe i should have let him come. She looked dejectedly at the mass of humanity that lined the dirt street, either tempting her to buy or else giving her hostile looks. A maze of dark alleyways and houses made her confused.

She decided to go to the place where she was found ten years ago. Her father had given her directions before she left. Now was as good a time as any. She approached a grey house, the roof was half caved in for the lace of maintenance and the door was ripped off. She sighed. It didn't look like her parents might be home, if they were indeed her parents.

Looking around, she spotted an elderly man seated in a chair across the way. "Sir," she bowed, "Please do you anything about the couple that lived here."

He scratched his head, "Yes, miss. But it is a sad tale." She walked up, "Please, sir. I believe that i might be this couples daughter."

He sighed, "very well."

"Well," he began, "This two had happily married. The wife was very happy with her husband. They were not rich but they managed and soon had a little girl. The revolution started soon after"

He shook his head, "That's when everything went wrong. The husband became obsessed with the war. He joined with keeping the shogunate. His wife however, wanted an equal society. She wanted a better life. When he found out, he snapped."

He sighed, "He murdered the wife and attempted to murder the girl as well. However a foreigner saved her that night. After the Revolution, the husband wreaked with grief over what he had done and how he had lost his only daughter, killed himself in some attempt to keep his honor."

No, she thought, both parents are dead. She sat down on the porch of the man's house.

"I'm sorry, miss. I didn't mean to cause you grief." He patted her shoulder.

"no, no." she smiled through blurred tears, "It's ok. I needed to know. I guess i can go back home now."

He nodded, "perhaps that would be for the best. To ease your heart."

Kk..more in a few days when i have time...
Thanks for reading!

[churchgirl111]

Chitana walked away from the man after bowing. My mother murdered, my father commited suicide. She shook her head. Is this my legacy?

Then what of the man, she thought, why had he said Shurogen. Who is Shurogen?

Night threatened to come before she could find her way back. She didn't care. She couldn't help but wonder: Is this all I am? Is this what my past gives me? She looked towards the sky. God, will i be cursed with this past of a father who didn't love me and a mother dying to save me?

She felt God speak to her heart. And if it is? Tears cascaded down her face. Then does that mean i am nothing? she questioned.

God was silent. It was for her to find that out.

Ruroki took his chopsticks and made ready to eat some salmon sushi. A small cup of saki sat next to him, half empty already. The aroma of fried catfish and rice, permeated the air.

Ruroki place the sushi in his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kyoshen sitting. Not eating, sitting.

"Aw yo ok?" he chomped his food. Kyoshen smiled halfhardly, "I'm worried that miss Chitana will be hurt. She left no note of where she would be."

Ruroki gulped and waved it off, "aw. She'll be alright. She's tough." Kyoshen shrugged. "Besides," Ruroki waved a chopstick at him, "she beat you didn't she?"

Kyoshen glared, "It was a draw." "That's not what I heard," he shrilled.
Kyoshen grabbed his chopsticks, "Oh yeah! Well I challenge you to a eating contest!" Roroki clenched his fist and smiled, "Your on!"

"Ready, Set! G-" they both stopped as they heard the door close. "Miss chitana," kyoshen stood, "are you alright?"

Chitana smiled, "I'm ok. I just did a little exploring."
Kyoshen walked over to her and caressed her face, "Youv'e been crying."
Chitana brushed his hand away, "just been homesick that's all."

Ruroki didn't say anything. Just stared. She clutched her amulet. She still didn't trust him.

Refusing to eat, she bowed and bade them both goodnight. Changing and climbing into her bed she pulled the sheets to her chin. Sleep wouldn't come easy that night. All she could dream was of her past and all she could think was: what would her future lay?

[churchgirl111]

Soon after Chitana left, Kyoshen began cleaning his dishes and his sword. Ruroki went to his bed and sat on a window.

Listening to the crickets, the silver wolf of the okami began to wonder if anything would come of the okami clan. If the old honor would ever be restored.

He moved his head to the left. A dagger flew through and hit the wall.

"your going to have to do better then that," he told his unwanted visitor.

A ninja emerged from the shadows outside the window. Lifting his hood, an old friend that had tried to kill him before during the Revolution. Young with boyish features, spiky black hair gave him more stealth, and a long scar slashed over his left eye, visible below the bandana that covered it. He wore jet black tight fitting clothes.

The ninja let out a throaty chuckle, "I just wanted to play some darts that's all.

Author: sorry have to go to school more later bye!

[Icarus]

:thumb: Good job.

[churchgirl111]

nooooo!!!!!

i just wrote a really long installment and it didn't post now i have to do it all over again NOOOOOOO *sob sob sob sob!!!* man i want to cry!!

[Zilch]

there, there(gives Churchgirl a tissue), it's happened to me before. You'll make it even better!...anyway, I read some your stuff. Very well written, grammatics need slight tweaking, but other than that, it's great. My only suggestion is that you put Chitana's thoughts to herself in italics. It helps bring that out.

[churchgirl111]

Ruroki pulled his twin daggers from their sheaths. The ninja held up a hand in defense, "now, now is that any way to treat an old friend?"

Ruroki held up his guard, "last time i saw you, i had your sword aiming at my throat."

The ninja shook his head, "A thing of the past. Besides i had money at stake then."

Ruroki lowered his weapons but didn't sheath them. Satisfied the ninja approached him.

"Why have you come, Soriki?"

"I felt that after all these years i could at last fulfill a man's dying wish," the ninja pulled out a long katana from behind his back.

Ruroki peered cautiously. Imprinted on the blade were the words:"Look to the east where the dragons fly in the mountain. They shall come forth and with fire, rush in a new era. Beware those foolish to come against them."
Silver dragons laced the hilt.

"The dragon's clan leader is dead?" Ruroki threw a questioning glance.

Soriki nodded.

"By your hand then?" he glared.

"No, i was sent as a spy by the Tiger clan not to be an assasin. But i did witness his death. He died in battle and with honor," the ninja assured him.

Ruroki nodded, gaping at the sword. Soriki withdrew a blood splattered scroll from his sleeve. Stamped was the insignia of the dragon clan.

Ruroki reached out for it. Handing it to him, Soriki eyed him.

"well i must be off," he gave a cheerful tone, "so many people to see and many more to kill. Until we meet again." Soriki gave a small bow and slipped into the shadows of the night.

Ruroki turned his attention to the letter and sat on the window sill. Have of the scroll had been torn off or was saturated in blood but the top half was still readable. It started as thus:

"Ruroki, silver wolf of the okami clan, i bid you greeting as a new friend and ally:

I have found many interesting things of your friend and the amulet. It is powerful, this amulet have the girl gaurded well."

Walking out of the room, Ruroki looked down the hall. Only two students gaurded the doorway. Not enough, he thought. He went to the dorms, grabbed six more sleepy soldiers and made a rotational gaurd shift. After much threatening, the boys eagerly agreed.

Returning to his room, Ruroki opened up the scroll once more.

Author's note: got to go and i hope you are enjoying this so far...it is going to get more interesting with the next installment. However because i am doing this for the second time all actions i seriously want to do....i am going to write the rest tomorrow that and it's fairly long...so see it tomorrow! THanks for reading and the feedback bye!!!

[churchgirl111]

kk thanks for the suggestion VASH!!!

LOVE AND PEACE!! LOVE AND PEACE!! (flashes love and peace sign and of course makes a only Vash can do face) heheheehmwahahahaha

BANANA!! HI I'm taco bell, did you order ten large pizza's?....sorry a little hyper heheeheh

[true_noir_chloe]

>>i just wrote a really long installment and it didn't post now i have to do it all over again NOOOOOOO *sob sob sob sob!!!* man i want to cry!!<<

Do you do all your first drafts directly on the computer? I've learned to always write everything out by hand on my legal pads. I title which book or story it is and then use that legal pad only for that story. I never trust my ideas to be placed on the computer first. I know writers are different, especially in this day and age, but you might want to consider using the legal pad or notebook method for all your first drafts and then transfer your second onto the computer. ^_^ Just my humble opinion. I also agree with Vash, that what you write after you've lost everything, is usually much better than what you had lost. God is kind to us that way. ~-^

Onto the story: I think you're doing really well. You have a story with a lot of action, which I think is brave for a young writer. As UC might attest, writing action takes a lot of skilled writing abillity. It's the hardest for me to write. *sweat*

Well, hope you the best. I know you're very busy writing more. I'll pop in every so often and check it out.

[Icarus]

Like Vash said, at this point, it's just grammar and spelling. That aside, let's play get to know the authors writing habits.

Besides what Chloe said, my question is do you go back and edit the story after you post it here? Feel free to ignore my query, as not responding to me will eventually save your sanity.

[Kesshin]

Woohoo! Good job, Churchgirl! Write more! (Oh yeah, and I agree with Chloe and Icarus's advice. You should try that.) Anyway, woohoo!

[churchgirl111]

...
actually yeah i thought of it after the fact and all my friends told me to do the same thing when i told them...
i was so mad..*sob
anyways..um no i don't Icarus but I think i probably should..i hadn't really though about it...hmmm...oh and don't worry about my sanity i don't have any! heheehe

[Zilch]

She HAS sanity?...hmm..what a concept...I need some of this...how you say? Sanity?

[churchgirl111]

LOL
it's ok Vash (churchgirl111 pats his shoulder)
we'll get you some sanity (grabs a strait jacket and starts chasing him around the room while he cries in French) lol

[Zilch]

Viva la France! Viva la France! Boohoohoo!

[churchgirl111]

okay long installment..be prepared to read and see dancing banana's...

Ruroki walked back to his room. The window let in a warm breeze, ruffled the trees leaves, and carressed his cheek. Peering out of the window, he took a long glance at the dojo's yard. No movement. He closed the window and walked to his bed, lit a lamp and unrolled the scroll once more.

It continued:
"Now that i have gotten your attention and aptly given the warning, i will give you the history of the amulet. Your friend was accurate with the name Shurogen. Shurogen was emperor of Japan before the Revolution and predecessor to Tokugawa."

Ruroki stopped. Shurogen? There was no emperor called Shurogen, he thought. He let his eyes roam the scroll once more.

"Shurogen's name, his family and his reign have been stricken from our history. It is as if he has never exist.

Shurogen was a strict follower of Zen Buddhism. The priests grew rich, the wealthy grew wealthier and the poor grew poorer. He built extravagant temples, killed followers of the Western religion and destroyed his enemies.

This went on for 10 years of his reign. In his last two year, an English missionary by the name of Edward Burgess, told the emperor of the evil western religion, Christianity and also gained a magnificent power.

The emperor was foolish and gullible and bought into it. He was soon killed after by Buddhist priests."

Ruroki grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders. A western religion. What did it have to do with the amulet?

The moon light faded away from the window, leaving the room dark and damp. Lighting another candle, he glanced once more out his door and continued reading:

"It is in the last year of his life that are interesting. Apparently he prayed to his God many times a day. During one of these prayers, he asked his God if he might be able to tell where demons are and who they are in. He felt that his God could give him that gift. And the legend says that it did.

Many missionaires were allowed into Japan to preach of his God and a man called Jesus. Those in jail for being Christians, Jewish or Muslim, whatever the religion were set free. Cruxifications stopped for his two years of transformation and the priests grew more envious of the wealth that he started to get. He was more powerful then before!

Towards his last year, he got wind that the Buddhist priests were going to kill him, yet the fool did nothing. Something about showing love to your enemies. A foolish notion.

Towards his last days, he prayed that his God would give his power to a descendant through the amulet. His God apparently said yes. Before he died, he hid the amulet. Shurogen was first tortured then killed by cruxifiction. He did not give up on his beliefs. They say that Tokugawa personally oversaw the whole process."

Ruroki glanced up from his reading. A descendant who could wield the power to banish demons? Then what would the okami clan or anyone want the amulet for?

The scroll went on to say:
"It brings me awe that this man did not turn from his fake God and to the great Buddha but well he was foolish to say the least. I believe that the girl may be a descendant of Shurogen, if that is the case, she is in grave danger. Because not only does she have this power if she follows the western religion but she is a descendant of the throne as well! She must leave Japan for the safety of us all. If-"

He was unable to read the rest through the blood. He leaned against the wall. I will not tell her just yet. I don't see how it will help her if she knows and who knows if this is the right amulet. No one knows of this yet other then me, so i will keep quiet for now.

Authors note: i am only writing this as pure ficiton...i am not telling if God would ever do this though i don't limit His power nor am i trying to tell what God would do or say..i am a mere pot from the potter so forgive me if anyone is offended...that are not my intentions and i am just trying to write fiction with this...that is all. Thankyou BANANA!

[Icarus]

S. W. I. N. G.

[churchgirl111]

S.W.I.N.G ??? Meaning??

[churchgirl111]

Chitana gasped. She sat straight up, the darkness around her casting lurid shadows on the wall.

That dream. It had happened again.

She lit a candle and tried to calm her breathing. Memories of the dream flooded back to her.

oops have to go to school I'll write more later..
thanks

[churchgirl111]

They were back again and him.

The dream had haunted her these last two weeks, since the encounter with the okami goons.

It always started the same way. In a black hole. A ray of light bore upon her and two identical beings.

They wore white robes that draped around them. Their white hair and golden eyes cast a lurid aura and clashed against the pure white of their feathered wings. Pale skinned hands clashed with the dark green amulet they held in their hands. Her amulet.

Only one distiction between the two amulets each held. In the middle of each one bore a symbol, angel and demon. She chose angel.

Immediately darkness. Except for the figure that had held the amulet she chosen. It transformed.

Its eyes became black. It's wings transformed. Leather and jagged spikes replaced the soft feathers. White gleaming fangs shone as he opened his moth and let loose a ear-splitting screech.

Authors note: i'll write more tonight!

[churchgirl111]

The chase began. She could only feel her heart beat, her feet would not move to her whim. Helpless.

Then the picture faded. She felt the creatures breath hot against her neck. She was back in the abyss, back with the Choice.

She took the demon. Again it transformed. The same creature, the same screech, the same chase. Death seemed imminent. She looked at the amulet that she held within her hand. It had began to glow. All she saw was the creature and the amulet.

The glow illuminated and covered her vision until she awoke.

It doesn't make sense. Death with either choice. Angel or Demon. It didn't make a difference.

Chitana got on her knees. THe wind shook the leaves outside, making the crickets sound in protest. The glow of the moon illuminated the room and snaked up her back.

God, what does this mean? Am I to have death at any choice? Unable to live with no hope? She fingered her amulet.

Death. WHere is thy sting? She shook her head.
But Lord does my existence here only amount to death?
Neither life nor death nor angels nor demons can seperate us from the love that is in Christ Jesus.

She shook her head. I don't understand what you want me to do!

If you want to know what to do, obey my commandments. Those who love me obey me.

She got back up and laid in bed. "If that is what you want Lord, give me strength."

Anything is possible with the strength that is in Christ Jesus

[Icarus]

Intriguing.

[Kesshin]

Cool, Churchgirl. I especially love the Bible quotes. Keep it up. ^^

[churchgirl111]

Dreams permeated her mind again. A black hole and a girl stood.

Her long white hair cascaded down her back. Her ruby lips contrasted against her white mask. She wore a long robe as pure as snow.

"Who are you? Are you an angel?" Chitana could not see herself but her voice still resonated through the darkness.

"Yes and I have a message from my Lord." Her voice trickled out.

"Yes, What?"

"You are to make a choice and then-"

A loud boom woke her up. Startled, she saw half of her wall were gone. Three figures garbed in black, swords drawn, stood over her. The black kanji of Okami stood out on their right cheek.

"The talisman." One hissed and held the sword closer.

"NO!"

Kyoshen and Ruroki shoved the door open, "Chitana!" The walked between her and her attackers, sword and daggers drawned.

The man cursed and motioned for them to leave, "We will be back." Chitana silently watched them leave through the hole.

Chitana stood up and turned to Kyoshen, "I'm leaving. I am making you and your students in danger." Kyoshen shook his head, "All the more reason you should stay here."

"Three of your students are dead. The smell of blood was on the blade."
Kyoshen looked out the window and saw three blooc splatterd corpses on the ground. He walked back in, struggling to contain his emotions.

"Kyoshen, I know you don't want to hear this but she is right," Ruroki placed his hand on his shoulder.

Kyoshen shook his head, "Your right but I won't leave her to die. I will send my students home for a while until everything is cleared up."

Chitana grabbed her kitana and strapped it to her waist, "They will come again. I have to leave this place."

Kyoshen nodded, "I agree. Wait until morning. We will depart then."

"Where to?" Ruroki grinned.

"To the okami clan. We are going to stop this."

* * *

Turoten sat on the throne. His legs folded, he watched the previous leader of the Okami clan beg for mercy.

"Please nephew. I will serve you loyally." The man held a dagger in his right hand, now forcibly pressed to his throat by one of his gaurds.

"Now uncle, You just tried to kill me. I don't need you any longer."

"Please!"

Turoten waved his hand, "Your making a fool of yourself. I will have the talisman soon and power will be mine. An alliance has already been made with the Tiger clan and the Dragon clan is disposed of."

He stood and walked towards his uncle, "So you see. Your despensable."

"Pleas-" The sound cut off as the guard finished him off.

Turoten motioned for a guard to come forward. The man knelt.

"Clean this up, it spoils my victory party."

"Yes, m'Lord." He motioned for others to help.

Turoten turned and sat on the throne.

"Long live Okami Turoten. The Flaming wolf!" A yell rose through the ranks as they knelt.

Turoten took in the glory, oblivious to the demon that dwelt within him, also soaking in the power. He whispered thoughts of greed and conquest to his charge.

"Yes, Now is the time for conquest. I shall rule all and I will get that talisman," he whispered to himself.

Inwardly, the demon laughed as did those within the warriors around him.

[HikariChan]

Kewl story!

[churchgirl111]

Chitana wiped her bangs. It had been a long morning. Many tears shed today when Kyoshen told his students to leave. Many pleaded to stay, begged. She remembered how he, a full grown man, cried.

She looked back to him. He glanced down towards the ground. This is hurting him, alot.

"Kyo, stop looking sad," Ruroki slapped him on the back. Kyoshen smiled.

Early dawn. The sun peaked over the horizon, giving minimal light to the dusty road they now traveled out of the city. The smell of dew and flowers permeated the air.

Chitana took a deep breath. Almost makes you wanna forget.

Ruroki looked on. I have to tell her and soon but what if she has to figure this out on her own. What do I do?

Sorry have to go to sleep! More later!

[true_noir_chloe]

Great new section, churchgirl! *thumbs way up* You've really developed into a good writer. ^_^