Character trait that i hate. WOAH that rymed. :D

[chibiphonebooth]

for short story class, we had to write a short vignette thing about a character trait we dislike. and we had to describe it in a character.

so umm.. this is what i wrote. i hope you guys like it!! ^^


He picked up his jacket and walked down the isle, between the rows of forest-green chairs. Walking past the front row, he carelessly tossed his jacket onto the chairs- it landed casually on the row- one arm hanging off. He walked forward still- with full concentration, carelessly pushing back his long, blonde bangs that hung in front of his green eyes. Stepping up onto the stage, he picked up his guitar- and slowly began strumming away, concentrating hard- but then again fully aware of what was going on around him. He stood there like a model, he knew exactly how to stand, exactly how to move his fingers so delicately over the hard strings, the exact facial expression to wear- to make him look like he was so wrapped up in his own world. He knew exactly how to carelessly wipe away his blonde bangs; he knew exactly how to push up his black rimmed glasses. Every movement was planned; every word was placed together like puzzle pieces before he spoke. But even though all his movements and all his words did one thing- looking into his eyes told you another story. Those green eyes- sharp, conceded, planning, deceptive- sat behind his black-rimmed glasses.
I sat there in the third row, watching him play so innocently- but knowing he had so many motives behind it. I knew his plan. I knew what he was doing. He knew he was just so cool. He knew it. I could tell with every movement he made, with every turn of his head, with every blink of his eyes. I knew. He couldn’t hide it from me, for I had experienced it first hand. I fell for it, just like the two girls in the row in front of me.
I sat, arms crossed, slouched, watching the two girls swoon and squeal over him. Disgusted, I sat there. Aware, I sat there. Disappointed, I sat. For they had been persuaded by his mask, they had been susceptible to his words. Now they were blinded by love, a fake, one sided love. I sat there and knew that it would end like it always did. She would confess her love, he would deny her, and then ignore her, and soon she was just a figment of his imagination- just barely there to help feed his ego. I closed my eyes, listening to the strum of his guitar. Slowly I stood, grabbing my coat before I left- not looking back. It was no use persuading those girls, they wouldn’t understand- it was too late for them. I could see myself in them- and just knowing I was once as naïve and ignorant as them, made my stomach churn. I left, the last sound of his guitar notes echoed through my head, each note explaining his every last flaw.

[Esoteric]

Ah, hipocracy.

It's nicely written. I might suggest condensing a few of the shorter, incomplete sentences into a longer one. But other than that, very good.

[chibiphonebooth]

thank you!! ^^

but it think its supposed to be concededness, not hipocracy. :/

[Esoteric]

Well, he was conceded too...

[starwarsboy90]

Vindicative is your tone of voice, but then again, I can see why! Talk about a guy that I'd love to cut his head off!

[chibiphonebooth]

XDDD

yeahhhh.... me too. XD
he's a real person too. XD

[chibiphonebooth]

[quote="anonymous"]ah "conceited"? ^_^]


hahahaha. XD

[starstoryteller]

waoh dude that was awsome. Your really talented weirter. I loved how you characterized him so well.

[chibiphonebooth]

hahah thanks. ^^ i think im going to start putting more stuff up her.e

[mastersquirrel]

Whoa... that was awesome! I didn't know you had talent in both drawing and writing. That was really good. Also, I thought that the sentence fragments actually fit well with the mood and what was being said.

Great job!

[chibiphonebooth]

Whoa... that was awesome! I didn't know you had talent in both drawing and writing. That was really good. Also, I thought that the sentence fragments actually fit well with the mood and what was being said.

Great job!

ha ha. thanks. ^^ i tend to use sentace fragments a lot, actually. >.>

bad habit.

ZOMG theres one now! XD

[Pent]

Wow, that was really good. Gosh those types of people make me mad.

[chibiphonebooth]

thank you!

me too. -__-

[RubyJewelStone]

ha ha. thanks. ^^ i tend to use sentace fragments a lot, actually. >.>

bad habit.

ZOMG theres one now! XD

Bah! I like pretty sentence fragments. But my English teacher gave me the idea that he would stomp over to my desk and heave me out of a closed window if I used one, that and a period outside of a quotation mark. >.<

Anyways, I liked it. I'm a sucker for the descriptive stuff. Also, when I read that I thought more about the person whose point of view it was than the conceited boy. Maybe I'm just weird. Conceited makes sense.

[chibiphonebooth]

hahah. ^^

yeah.. it was my point of view. XD