A World at War

[Sifu_Calanor]

hey everyone. here is a story i have been working on since my senior year in high school. (which was like a year ago).

anyway, as should be noted early on, this is about a global war and a young guy trying to bring peace back to his wartorn world. so there are battles and stuff like that. anyone who has seen lord of the rings, star wars, and x-men, shouldn't have a problem with this, as that is about as violent as it gets.

well is i ever publish this book, this is what i would put on the back of it, to give readers and idea about the book.

well here we go. enjoy.

A World at War

In a moment of horror,
governments from around the
world were wiped out.
with technology disappearing
in nuclear waves, the
whole of the Earth
was sent back to the
stone age. Now, only a
high school student with
a small band of friends
can bring peace back to the
world.

any comments (rather good or bad) to improve my writing would be very helpful indeed. i'll get chapter one up here later on today.

[Esoteric]

It's good. It gives a definite answer to what the story is about. It feels a little distant and generic though. people read the back description to decide if one book sounds more interesting than all the others, so try and make it sound really unique. and intruiging.

My only other thought is this: If technology returns to the stone age... will world peace still be an issue? You might want to change your comparison, because individual surival of localized human populations were the only concern of a stone-age world lacking global communication and transportation. I realize I'm being nickpicky, but you will encounter people who think this way.

[Sifu_Calanor]

well, not all technology will be lost, just the majority of it. you will just have to wait and see.

[rocklobster]

Add in this quote from Albert Einstein: "The next world war will be fought with rocks." I think it'll work.

[Sifu_Calanor]

lol, yeah. i know it does not make much sense now, but it will soon. as i said, not all of technology will be lost, but a good bit of it will be. more then 98% of it.

i will get chapter one up tomorrow, but i must tell you all in advance.

the chapters are really short. i made it that way for a reason.

[Sifu_Calanor]

Chapter One: Late for school.

He woke up to the most iritating sound at 7:23 in the morning. the sound of his buzzing alarm clock. he was trying to jump out of bed, like he had been trained to, but he was still tired from last night. it would not have helped him to have jumped out of bed in any case, as he probally would have landed wrong on clothing thrown all over his room. he really need to find time to clean that up.
he forced himself out of bed, mainly to slap the alarm clock off, but since he was up, he knew he could not go back to bed. it was a monday morning, of the last week of his senior year, and for once, just once, he wished it had been diffrent then every other monday that he had had for the last four years. he quickly dressed himself in the blue shirt, kaki pants uniform of the school.
after dressing, he made his way from his messy room to his younger brothers messer room. the rooms where once a master bedroom, being one room, but they use it as two rooms. the only bad thing about this was, he had to walk through his brother's room to get to the main hallway.

just then, his cell phone rang. he let out a loud yawn as he went ran back into his room to get his phone.

"hello", he said.
"Patrick, where are you? you only got five minutes before school starts!"
"WHAT!?" Patrick looked at his clock, and say that it was indeed 7:25.
"man, why can't i ever here the alarm when it goes off the first time! Okay Donta, i'll be there in three minutes".
"yeah righ-" click.
Patrick hung up the phone and quickly ran into the bathroom. two minutes later he was out the door and into his car. by the time he parked into the school yard, he could hear what he could only guess to be the late bell ringing.

to be continued...

okay, chapter one is up. just remember this is not the final draft.

[Esoteric]

Good start. One quick thought. You seem to indicate he is late often because he doesn't hear his alarm clock. If so, he would logically know the sound of the late bell very well.

So, instead of,

"he could hear what he could only guess to be the late bell ringing."

Something like,

"He could hear the all too familiar sound of the late bell ringing."

It's a nice fast paced beginning though. Things happen so it keeps the reader interested.

[Sifu_Calanor]

thank you. i like your idea. yeah i think i will change that.

i'll try and get chapter two up within the next week.

later,
sifu_calanor