Stuck in the Middle

[Mave]

I'm pretty sure all of you have been stuck in the middle of conflicts between family/loved ones/friends at one time or another (that is, if it's not still ongoing).


There are 3 significant ongoing conflicts in my personal life, which constantly bother me.

1) First, there's my mother and auntie who pretty much hate each other. Putting those two together is a lethal combination and completely ruin family outings.

2) In college, I have a male and female friend who almost became a couple but now hate each other intensely. What saddens me the most is that three of us pretty much formed the music ministry of a previous Christian fellowship (of course, that no longer exists).

3) And now, I'm terribly stressed out by online Christian friends who have conflicts with each other/side.


Being stuck in the middle just plain sucks. I hate listening to both sides/one side trash talk and grumble about each other all the time to me on an individual basis. In every conversation, I spend all my time trying to defend the party under attack and appeasing the offensive party. But there's no point at all since each side is stubborn and won't stop thinking that they're the right one.


Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or not (actually, sometimes it's worse when it involves Christians). Anyway, one time, I got fed up and told off my mum/aunt to stop using me as their cold war messenger. "Why can't you just tell each other what you feel in each other faces instead of using me? Leave me alone! I don't want to take sides."


Oh yeah, this brings me the most stressful part of being stuck in the middle: Feeling obligated to choose a side to support. "Don't you think this person is [bla bla bla]? Why don't you support me?" GAH!! Look, no human being can force me to take sides and shouldn't question my friendship when I don't agree with them.


I think I've been pretty diplomatic and patient all these years but recently, there are times when I feel like I can't bear it no more. More often than not, I get angry because I feel both sides are selfish (not considering how this affects me). Honestly, sometimes, all I want to do is run away and have nothing to do with them. I love both sides but cannot do anything to resolve the conflict.


How do you guys deal with being stuck in the middle? I feel drained and frustrated by this.

[Shadowchild]

GAR I hate it when that happens. Living in a family with four kids I have that alot and the fact that I am part of the group of outsiders in school makes it even worse considering that everyone in our little group is different. Half depressed peoples, pyro maniacs, book worms with ADD, you name it. We get in so many fights I would need the whole school's hand just to count about 5/78 of them.

[Sakura15]

I know EXACTLY how you feel, my dad and my aunt are like your mom and your aunt, it's better than it was but there is still a TON of tension in the room if they are together. And just like you said, when I go to my aunts all she does is complain about my dad, now I love my aunt alot, but you'd think we could find other subjects to talk about, and to add to all the fun mix that we already have my little sister is very rebellious talking back to my dad alot, she likes our aunt better, I love my dad...not some of the things he does but I do love him. He complains about her too, he hates us going over to her house simply because of their not getting along.

My dad is in his 40's and my aunt is close to 40. For heaven's sake I wish they would just GET OVER IT ALREADY! they need to talk about it, but the problem is, like you said...

But there's no point at all since each side is stubborn and won't stop thinking that they're the right one.

That is my aunt and my dad. Neither of them thinks they did anything to the other that they should apologize for, it drives me up the wall, and I hate being in the middle liek you said, I try to appease each side when I'm with them. My younger sister doesn't care, she states how she feels, I wish she wouldnt because it just makes things worse. *sighs* Anyways, I know how you feel in that situation.

How do you guys deal with being stuck in the middle? I feel drained and frustrated by this.

Well, im trying to pray about it right now. Because honestly, I still don't know what to do. Something happend a couple days ago though and my mom called our assistant pastor we went and talked to him. This has been going on my ENTIRE life, and frankly im sick of it, sick of the fighting, the "Im right and your wrong" arguments. God willing, we will be talking to our Pastor and try and atleast straighten out whats going on at home between my sister and my dad. I'm sorry that I don't really have any solution to being in the middle though. Just thought I'd let you know your not alone in this.

[uc pseudonym]

Though there isn't any need to go into specifics, I have a fair amount of experience with situations like this. I definitely know what you mean about how this can be draining, and I'll keep this in my mind when praying for you.

But in terms of advice I'm not so sure I can be helpful. It is easy to say that one shouldn't enable the conflict (such as taking sides or even being neutral in a negative way) but it can be very difficult in practice. When you do something for someone's benefit that they don't want you to do it can be very painful.

[Azier the Swordsman]

Whenever there is a conflict in my family, I find it helps to simply make myself as scarce as possible. After all, if I'm not around much, I don't have to listen to or be a part of it.

[Debitt]

I've always had problems with being stuck in the middle of things, and I can understand your frustration entirely, Mave. I'm not sure exactly how to help you in your current situation, but I've always found it helpful to just tell people the straight truth about the fight. It's no fun trying to play both sides equally, and I think that giving the two warring parties some perspective is helpful. =X

[CreatureArt]

Sorry to hear it, Mave.

I've been stuck in the middle of things, too, especially between my Dad-Brother and two of my friends at school. I try to stay neutral because I have good relationships with both of the people in each conflict, but it is draining.

When it comes down to it, I can only offer the same advice as Sakura - which is to pray. I hope this doesn't come accross as something I'm telling you that you already know, etc. I'm guessing that you are probably already praying about it. But I'm just saying it because it is the only thing I can offer. God comes in where we find ourselves helpless, and he helps us through situations we can't deal with. I'll pray for you as well.

[chibiphonebooth]

mhm.

im stuck in the middle ALL THE TIME.

i am never the cause of anything, or the person causing it- im always in the middle. it DRIVES ME INSANE.

[Hephzibah]

I haven't really been in a situation where I've had to be the middle man (save for when I was in yr 3 or so Ooo so young ), but I would like to encourage you all with this verse:

Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.

Situations such as these are really hard; but with God anything is possible! He is the Prince of Peace, and He can help you in these times. You may not see your friends or family change over night, but still rest in the knowledge and comfort that Jesus is in control and that He will help and refreshen you.

[Yumie]

I know what you mean, Mave. When I work at camp I usually get along with pretty much all the girls, but there are usually two or three girls who get along with me and hate eachother. And then they gossip about eachother to me and make things up about eachother, and it's hard to know what to do. Especially because, since I know both parties pretty well, I am able to see the good qualities that both sides have. And they can't see them. I'm just like, "Quit looking at the things you don't like about this person and try focusing instead on the good things about them! Then there might not be this problem!" And, gaaah, it's just annoying, people can be stupid. The way I handle it is by trying to remain objective and trying to gently prod them in the right direction and encourage them to have the right attitude and behave properly. But usually they just keep doing what they're doing and I just have to deal with it. Sometimes people are so stubborn that no matter how illogical they are being they will always insist that they are right. So I just have to try to tolerate it anyways and do the things I know I should do.

[EireWolf]

"You know, I love you, and I also love her. I know you two have problems with each other, but please don't ask me to be a part of them."

[Eriana]

I've been monkey in the middle before. That's fun. That's how I was when my parents were on the edge of divorce, and to top it off when their volcano of an argument struck home base I was sick and happened to be in the same room as them. And after my mom and dad screaming at each other I finally tried to leave the room but was drawn back in by my mother saying she wouldn't fight anymore as long as my dad wasn't in the room. I reluctantly went back and the minute I sat down on the sofa, my dad comes thundering in the room spouting more anger and things picked up like two hungry raptors again. Finally I screamed, "STOP! You two are KILLING me!" Which finally brought the argument a few notches down, still I will never forget how that felt to be trapped in the middle of insanity itself. Sorry if nobody wanted to hear that. Can't blame you. Sorry everyone. ^^;;;

[termyt]

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have.
I must stand with anybody that stands right, stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.

It's never fun to choose sides. I'm kind of hard-nosed when it comes to this kind of thing. If you ask me my opinion of someone, I'm going to give it whether you like it or not.

You shouldn't have to choose sides and you should not have to give up being friends with someone because another friend doesn't like the other. Of course, you know that.

I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. Please know that there are a lot of people on your side.

[Eriana]

"You know, I love you, and I also love her. I know you two have problems with each other, but please don't ask me to be a part of them."

I'm not sure if I get it.

[uc pseudonym]

I believe Eirewolf intended that to be advice as to what a person could say: First, she affirmed that she loves both of the arguing people involved. Then, she acknowledges that the two of them have relational conflicts. However, she also asks that they not use her as a weapon or go-between in the conflict. Do you understand now?