Dating vs. Courting

[Debitt]

Things can get easily out of hand while dating, true, but not if both people involved keep their eyes focused on God and keep their heads on straight. That doesn't mean courtship is the necessary fool proof method of finding the one God means for you to be with. It depends on the method suited for the people. Like I've said before, if dating leads you into temptation, then don't date, but on that same token if you feel courtship won't work for you (which is how I feel), then I don't think people should beat you over the head with "courtship is the only way!" because of your decision.

[Kenshin17]

Man I'll try not to get started. I tend to be pretty opinionated on marrige and the relationship between a man and a woman.

First, premarital sex is wrong. The Bible says that, several times, and thats how it is. But you all know that so that should not be a shock to anyone. (Duh)

Courting vs Dating. Before I say anything please understand that I Do not intend to offend anyone. I am stating my own beliefs.

I personally believe dating is wrong. That is because dating allows you to become emotionally attached to the person your dating. If you are going to get married that is of course good and neccessary, but if they are not the right one you lose a bit of your heart you will never recover when you break up. The idea behind courtship is allowing a man and a woman to get to know each other and find out if the other is the right one without an emotional commitment. If it turns out they are the right one then you build the emotional side of the relationship. Listen to my friend (who was courted) and she will tell you that there parents would sit the two of them down on a couch and have them talk about everthing. Just get to know the other. Get to know the stuff that really matters. How you see this, what you believe about that. That may not make a whole lot of sense and if it doesn't let me know and I'll try to elaborat.

I plan to court. It makes more sense to me. Slightly off topic: I also have the rather conservitive viewpoint that I will not kiss a girl until she and I are married. I wouldn't want to kiss someone elses future wife and I wouldn't want anyone kissing my girl either.

Please PM me or otherwise contact me if I have managed to confuse you in many ways

[starwarsboy90]

Pretty straight forward, pretty realistic, I suppose this is the only opinon in God perspective I've heard so far. Hmm, I wonder if there'sa dating one, oh well, I'm tired as heck and bored right now, so don't think I'm opinionated right now or offensive, I'm just tired...lol....

[Debitt]

Kenshin, I'm incredibly confused. Marriage is an EMOTIONAL commitment made between a man, a woman, and the Lord. Why then, is it wrong to get to know the person you're dating on an emotional level at first? How do you know if you want to marry someone without having an idea of how they behave emotionally first?

I personally would NEVER date anyone without knowing them as a good friend and brother in Christ for at least couple years, and I personally would want to know what their thoughts and morals are on dating before I'd ever consider persuing any form of relationship. My boyfriend and I talked a LOT before we ever considered being together, and when we decided to date we already knew each other very well, both spiritually and emotionally. I fail to see how that's wrong or ungodly - is that the sort of dating you're talking about, or are you simply focusing on the more secular "I like you let's date now" definition of dating? Because if you are, I assure you there are plenty of "dating" couples I know who definitely did not get together on the fly.

[starwarsboy90]

I'm tired, Kokoro is confused, but she states a valid but in truth statement.

[Linksquest]

but if they are not the right one

How can you KNOW they are not the right one when you havent gotten to know them, or tried some level of romance?


I think that dating is ok, as long as they are a christian and you can see them as a possible future spouse.


WHile we're on the subject... what ages are you guys (or were you guys) able to date/ court?

[Hephzibah]

How can you KNOW they are not the right one when you havent gotten to know them, or tried some level of romance?

Simple answer... God! Ask The Holy Spirit if this person is the one for you.
Btw, who's saying that you dont know them? Relationships dont start off with
'Hi... my names Bob.'
"hi, I'm gloria".
"wanna get married?"
"ok!"

You know them before hand! More-often than not as friends. When you think you have feelings for the person, then is the time to pray and ask God for direction in relation to this friendship.

Anyway, I dont really know when I was allowed to start dating, but it hasnt really applied to me yet either. I havent really met anyone before now that I want to date. My bro dated when he was around 16 though...

[Arbre]

Doesn't "dating" mean different things to different people? That makes it difficult to just compare dating to courtship. Not all dating relationships have to be unbiblical or wrong. There are plenty of people who are able to exercise a tremendous amount of self-control, or for who temptation isn't as big of a problem.

I'm fine with dating someone I know really well on a friend level first, but I take it very seriously and I have boundaries that I won't cross. I still want my first kiss to be on my wedding day. That sets the tone for how I think and act too. I feel like I need that extra barrier and I want it. I don't want to be kissing someone I won't be married to and there are other reasons too.

I would never break off a relationship just to date someone else. If I can't be loyal in a dating situation, how could I handle marriage? I'm not saying that applies to everyone, but I really think it does apply to me.

It is a preparation for marriage, too. If you end up marrying someone you date (there are other situations, but dating is more common in America), why risk dating people you really would never marry? It's a waste and it can tear you up emotionally. Break-ups can be horrible.


Personally, I don't like the idea of the formal courtship, or even necessarily the guy having to go to the girl's parents to ask permission to date/see/call upon their daughter. During the teenage years, ok... but I don't think that dating anytime before marriage becomes a real possibilty is a good idea anyway... Yes, sometimes it works out, but I'm so, so grateful that I was never dating when I was that young. For me, it would have messed me up. My parents had the "no dating until 16-- and then, only group dates" rule. So at 18 was when I could have paired up with someone. And that's when I did. I wasn't waiting for that age at all, that's just how it happened.

But at 18/19+, I can make my own decisions (through prayer of course) and although I love my parents, I want this kind of relationship to be more focused on the man and me, not on what my parents think of him... My parents raised me to make my own decisions in that area anyway.

Also, Kenshin and anyone else... How can you completely avoid an emotional attachment to the other person if you're spending time with them (not alone, but still), and learning more and more about them? I guess I just don't understand completely how courtship works.

I agree with you that becoming extremely attached to someone, then just ending that relationship is going to be difficult and affect you for a while (maybe your whole life, who knows?), but how can you avoid that with courtship? Do you end up being engaged before knowing the person well? I don't mean facts, but how they act in various situations... when it's just you and them, you know? Not when there are chaperones or parents around.

Yes, knowing more about the person will probably make emotions stronger and if it doesn't work out, it will be more difficult, but marriage is for life, and I want to know more of what I'm getting into, I guess. I'm sure you have your strong reasons why dating isn't good for you. I'm in no way trying to argue for either "side". It's a personal thing.

Also, prayer is important before actually deciding to get into a relationship with someone that is that serious. All of that can happen so fast.

[Bobtheduck]

I mean no insult to anyone here, unles you attempt to claim my view is "sinfull" in which case I mean EVERY insult to you, but... I think the whole "dating" vs "courting" thing is rediculous... I think it is important for couples to be alone, particularly later in the relationship when marriage is approaching. I think Dating is fun, that the "dating game" doesn't have to be a part of dating, and that Courting is no more biblical than dating... In the Bible, the only relationships I saw were forms of arranged marriage. A guy saw a girl he liked, asked the father's permission to marry her, paid for her, then they asked her once if she objected... That was it... No courting, or for that matter dating, involved. It was 65% the guy's decission, 25% the father of the girl, and like 10% the girl's... She could just say yes or no. That structure, while perfectly good, wouldn't work in American society. That leaves us with two choices: Courting and Dating.

Personally, I believe in combining them. Spending time in normal family situations but also spending time alone with the other person on a date. Alone doesn't mean alone in a room... It can be "alone" in a public place like a park or restaurant. As long as they are physically and emotionally separated from people who are close to the situation, and yet not in a place to MAKE the decissions for the couple (Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, close friends) In pre-dating days, this was done by means of a "parlor" situation... In american traditional courting, the couple would be left ALONE to talk and get closer. This is a rather importat thing.

Now, there are people who have gotten married and never had those times. I won't knock them. That just won't be me... I won't get into a marriage if I haven't had alone time to talk to her about things I can't really say in front of her parents or siblings... This line that people pass around saying "If you can't do it in front of the parents, you probably shouldn't be doing it." is a load of crap. There are many important things that need to be discussed privately that are not sinful to discuss.

I have to admit, Josh Harris cultists really bug me because they make it a moral thing when it really isn't. The funny thing is, Josh Harris never says it is either (based on what I read, anyhow, he says as much)... He just believes Courting to be better. I don't. I believe them both to be important.

I personally believe dating is wrong. That is because dating allows you to become emotionally attached to the person your dating. If you are going to get married that is of course good and neccessary, but if they are not the right one you lose a bit of your heart you will never recover when you break up.

See, that's the thing... You assume that in a courting relationship, you won't court unless you are going to marry. How do you know that is the person you are going to marry? One of two things: You either just pick someone at random or cast lots, then say you'll love them no matter what. Heck, if that works, go for it. Don't expect me to. The other thing is that you, in a "friendship" form an attatchment to them before you start courting, an attatchment that you can form with many others before them. THerefore, courting does not truly stop this from happening.

Ooh, another EDIT: The question of adult courting also brings in some other problems... Living NOWHERE NEAR the parents... That sort of thing can make courting impossible.

[Slater]

wow, I just talked with my Spanish teacher on the whole Dating vs. Courting thing like 3 days ago... and she gave a very good answer.
Courting in the days of the Bible, as I'm sure people have said already in this thread (which is a tad long for me to read every single post), was a cultural thing. Nowhere in the Bible is courting mandated, and nowhere in the Bible is dating condemned. But there are certainly certain things that you have to follow when courting/dating. One is that you have to listen to your parents. Never is a man free from his parents rule untill he gets married (or unless the parents are clearly ungodly in their decisions), thus you must listen to them. (an interesting thing that someone pointed out to me is that nowhere in the Bible does it say that a woman leaves her parents. She is always their little girl I guess ^.^). Thus, if your mother or father tell you that you shouldn't date x person, don't.
Secondly, only court/date Christians! If we are to only marry other Christians, what's the point of dating/courting a non christian? that's seeking after something fruitless, unless it's actually some bizare form of missionary work.
Thirdly, girls, chose a guy who is spiritually stronger than you if you can. I know this is hard for some because some women I know are very pasionate in their faith and love of Jesus Christ, and it would be very hard for them to find someone who is stronger than them at their age (although, if they are to wed, I'm sure that God's provided someone on this earth!). For a woman to date someone who isn't as spiritually strong as they are might end up butting heads with eachother on many issues. Dating a non-Christian guy is even worse
Finally (at least for my points), Avoid premarital sex. The Bible says to FLEE from it. That doesn't mean to nervously laugh and then tell yourself that things are gonna work out fine if things start to get a little weird. That means to do whatever the heck is necesarry to get out of that situation! I didn't do that when I was presented the choice, and from experiance I can tell you that being an unmarried non-virgin SUX. God blessed me with a gf who's forgiven me for screwing up in the past, but think about it... do you really wanna tell your future husband/wife that you were unwilling to wait for your honeymoon night?
And as always, pray. Pray that God leads the way and lights the path for you. He ordained marriage, therefore He wants the best for His children when they enter that relationship.

[dragonshimmer]

For a woman to date someone who isn't as spiritually strong as they are might end up butting heads with eachother on many issues. Dating a non-Christian guy is even worse

I have to say that I couldn't agree with you any more than I do on that point.

[true_noir_chloe]

Many more wonderful points have been brought up. I, if I were dating today, would not want to be with a man who is in a "courtship" only viewpoint. He would be a sad example of a Christian man who would eventually lead our home. A man, has to be "a man" of God on his own two feet. A woman, has to be a "woman of God" and faithful to her loving Savior first, not the parents, her Savior.

I am going to copy something I read from a friend of The Doctor's because I agreed with this fellow Christian man (married and age 50) on this point wholeheartedly. I teach young women, and my own daughter, of what to look for in a future husband. My husband and how he treats me, and myself and my words, guide my son as to how to treat women. Christian parents have got to start taking control of preparing their children to be responsible, Christian adults who can make godly decisions on their own.

I always refer to Ephesians 5:22-33 when I speak to either young men or women. Let me tell you, I am copying his friends words somewhat on this verse.

Also, women and men are not reaady to meet their future spouse until at least 18, and I would even state not untl the end of the college years, because you will change - YOU WILL CHANGE, believe me - and you will grow up. You willl become an adult then, so I think dating/courting, whatever is moot until you are older and ready to meet your future husband or wife. I don't mean teens can't go out with the opposite sex and have fun, but for goodness sake, be responsible.

Ephesians 5:22 "(Future) Wives be subject to your own (future) husbands as to the Lord."

No, this doesn't mean to serve the male race, young ladies. It means, to act like a woman who has a loving Savior. That means, you all better get into the Word and start knowing how to act and behave like a woman of faith.

5:23 "For the (future) husband is the head of the (future) wife, as Christ, so also the (future) wives ought to be to their (future) husbands in everything."

Now, how does Christ, who men are to exemplify in marriage, act toward women? He was gentle, loving, kind, respectful and well-mannered. Is the guy you all are looking at as a future mate this way around you? Well, you need to ask yourself this question.

Women, are you ready to respect this man you are looking toward as a future husband? Are you gracious toward him?

We are not talking about sex here, we are talking about how you treat the fellow partakers in the Kingdom.

5:24 "But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the (future) wives ought to be ito their (future) husbands in everything."

Are you ready, young ladies, to follow this boyfriend of yours to the end of the earth? Is he worth it?

5:25 "(Future) Husbands, love your (future) wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."

This is a great statement here. This adds it all up for the future husbands of the world who are Christians. Guys, you need to be selfless. You can not whine and be desperate and cry over how you NEED someone in your life. Christ gave His very life to the church. Are you willing to give your very life (I mean your wants and you needs) up for a woman yet? Are you really ready to get married? Have you become a sacrificial male yet?

I'm going to end here and let you all know, I will finish this Bible study of Ephesians 5:22-33 and place it in the Bible section later. For now, this is enough for you all to think on.

Becoming a man of God, worthy of a wife and a woman of God, worthy of a husband is a committment of life.

It is EMOTIONAL, Kokoro said, even in her young age.

Humanity is painful and sometimes you get hurt. We have to live, though, we can't just walk through life protecting our hearts, or we'll never grow into the man or woman of God needed to be an adult, that makes the hard decisions, and loves the truest and most unconditional way.

We are children of a loving a compassionate Savior, and in this, we can love and be passionate in our relationships, even at the risk of being hurt. It's part of life.

I hope you all the best.

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, truely quoted and pointed Chloe. Now that's a true Godly Aspect on dating and courting. The older people, like Chloe here are wise enough, because they have had alot of experiences in life that we young ones have not. Now a sacraficial male, now that scares some of us guys, (not me mind you) and proving how nuts women are compared to men.

[The Doctor]

For those of you who still struggle with whining and complaining going "God? Where's Ms. Right!? All my friends are getting married!" And singing "Lonely...I'm Mr. Lonely....I am so lonely....here in my heart...." and singing perhaps the only song Michael W. Smith has made that I disagree with "Somebody love me, come and carry me away...somebody need me, to be the blue in their grey..." Don't feel THAT bad.

You're not alone. Every guy (and girl, I theorize) go through this stage. As I've shared with others, after observing the lives of my parents, my mentor, and my close friend, and after reading Josh Harris' story, I've surmised that you may not meet the one for you until after you have surrendured it to God. TRULY surrendured it to Him and am at peace with being single or married. The more you WANT it and obsess over it, the less likely it is that anything will work, or that you'll meet the right one for you. As my friend once told me "(Insert my real name here...heh) until you are truly at peace with being single, and ready to say 'God, single or married, I'll serve you' you'll never meet her." My friend didn't get his STRONG affections for the girl he loved until after he had surrendured it to God and moved on. They are now happily married. He also told me that "You have to surrendur it to God because when He is involved, you'll meet the right one. If you're calling all the shots, it's likely you'll mess things up and marry someone you're wrong for."

I've noticed far too often in the lives of Christians. They met the one, that special person they mesh so easily with, and romance blossomed AFTER they had surrendured it to God.

The answer is to daily move to a place where you say "Lord, I will serve you either way" and leave it in God's hands. Mrs. TNC is correct....obsessing about it is bad and distracts you from using your youthful energy to accomplish great things for Christ. I myself have wasted SO MUCH time thinking about girls and possibly pursuing them that could have been used to write manga and anime stories. And do homework so I could get the grades I KNOW I'm capable of making.

Realize that it will be a process when you start doing it. It's not going to happen like *poof*. WHen you start the journey and let God work on your heart, He'll reveal parts of you that need work, and slowly but surely, you will start changing. But again, it will be a process.

Pray for each other, as you grow and do this. And for me too. I still have growing to do. Just know that this is a common struggle for most guys (and perhaps girls) and that you are not alone. Pray for one another. And focus on making friends in Christ who are girls. One thing I've done is thought to myself, when I'm in a room full of Christian girls is think "their allies in the faith" rather than "their potential wives."

And now...ON TO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!! :-) (I wonder if this will be my last post here at CAA? Something to be remembered for...)

[Mangafanatic]

I commend you, Doctor, on an excellent post. Let me also say that the attitude that you've projected above is something that, if it should be God's will that you marry, your future wife will truly cherish in you.

[starwarsboy90]

Agreed! = )

[true_noir_chloe]

A great last post to be known for, Doctor. ^___^ V

[Locke]

Three Cheers for the man with the plan! ( God)

Doc well...to put it simply, you rock.

[olorc]

And now...ON TO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!! :-) (I wonder if this will be my last post here at CAA? Something to be remembered for...)

I guess I missed something. Didn't know you were leaving Doc. It was great to have you here though.

We are children of a loving a compassionate Savior, and in this, we can love and be passionate in our relationships, even at the risk of being hurt. It's part of life.

Amen.

[dragonshimmer]

A great last post to be known for, Doctor. ^___^ V

I agree.

I also agree with Osaka-chan. Your qualities, when the women around you grow up, will be very endearing to a good Christian woman, who happens to be the exact kind of woman you seek. You are well on your way. ^_^ *hugs*

[JesusFreak84]

So what the flip is the difference between the two?

Pre-marital sex + Catholic (or even just generally Christian) = no-no.

Haven't dated/courted/anything yet.

[SailorDove]

Read through the thread and I've often wondered the difference, etc. Inspired me to do a search on "courting" & came up w/ this.

http://www.gotquestions.org/search.php?zoom_sort=0&zoom_query=courting

[Qwilek88]

I have never dated and I have yet to fully understand the difference between dating and courting.

[Slater]

sweet gravedig action jahaa!

So what the flip is the difference between the two?

Pre-marital sex + Catholic (or even just generally Christian) = no-no.

Haven't dated/courted/anything yet.

I don't get it. Why say so for Catholic? is it like worse or something?

[TurkishMonky]

I personally believe that one should get to know someone as a friend before "dating" - like having frinds of the opposite gender in youth group (which i do have, even though i havent gone on a "date" yet) - not just asking someone random out on an impulse. It keeps you from getting into the mindset of date - dump - date until you find someone that is right for you, at least for now.

I think that if i were classified into those categories, i would be someone that "courts" instead of "dates" in a sense because of that. (Not sure though)

[Kaorugirl]

i think that dating isn't sinful,, personally I think that dating and courting are the same thing,, it's just what you do during your relationship that REALLY matters. It doesn't matter if you call it dating or courtship.

[mitsuki lover]

Dating really wasn't invented until the 1950s with the inveniton of such things as
fast food restruants,drive in movies and Elvis.
Courting was what was done in the past.It was more stately and more serious matter.Generally speaking the boy and girl who courted(especially in the South)
would have known each other for a long time if not most of their lives.Their families
would have some sort of connection and the boy had to get the permission of the
girl's father to court.
In general courting in the early stages would be supervised and they would only
meet at prescribed places such as church,etc.

[~Natsumi Lam~]

I courted with the intent to be married to my husband..

I think dating only hurts people. [for the most part]

I still like the idea of <B>arranged marriage</B>!
~Natsumi Lam~

[Kaorugirl]

there's things i like,, and things i don't like about arranged marriages,, with arranged marriages,, you don't get hurt,, but then you might get stuck with someone you don't truly love.

[Nate]

personally I think that dating and courting are the same thing,, it's just what you do during your relationship that REALLY matters. It doesn't matter if you call it dating or courtship.

This girl is wise beyond her years.