Postby Arbre » Thu Aug 11, 2005 8:13 pm
March 2004.
I was raised in a different religion (Mormon).
I had just started getting involved in message boards, IMs, and chats in the late Summer before.
The first Christian I met at a message board, I actually PM'd him and asked if he was the same religion... 'cause he seemed so nice. Nope. We were pretty good friends. He enjoyed talking about politics and religion and I was doing my best to bring up Mormonism as much as I could in the hope that he would realize it was true and convert and it'd be great.
<_<
Then, a couple/few months later, I met another guy and he became a really good friend. Closest I've ever been to anyone... He liked me... but he wasn't Mormon. I didn't promise him anything but I didn't flat-out tell him "No, I'll never date you."
My main reason for not wanting that relationship was because he wasn't a Mormon. I didn't want to settle for anything less than an eternal marriage to a priesthood holder and miss out on an eternal family.
He wanted to learn more about my beliefs. I told him all the great stuff and he agreed with some (there are similar beliefs in there).
Then he found about the "deeper doctrines", you know, the stuff even I knew you don't tell someone who's just new at learning about Mormonism. "Milk before meat."
He actually found it out from a couple of posts here at CAA. That led him to study it out much more in-depth.
It bothered him a lot. He knew some of it wasn't Biblical.
By this time, I was very attached to him... I still hadn't promised him anything because he wasn't Mormon... but I was hoping and praying that he'd choose to join that church... 'cause I was definitely feeling like I could spend the rest of my life (even eternity) with this guy.
He was worried sick over me.
I was struggling to try to explain away what he'd read. It wasn't worded nicely like at church, but it wasn't false that I believed it and was taught that. I kept crying that it was taken out of context, that it was twisted, that you had to understand the entirety of the doctrines for it to make sense. I can still feel some of those emotions when I think of it. I felt trapped. >_< I feel it now just remembering it.
We'd talk over IMs and he'd insert quotes and ask me about them. I wanted to. And I was so sure I'd be able to show that it was right. I mean, I was sure it was true. Of course the truth wouldn't be impossible to prove.
He showed me Bible verses that I'd never even realized existed (I knew the Book of Momron and Doctrine and Covenants well, though)... but there they were... and they weren't matching up with some of my Mormon beliefs. Which I guess shouldn't have been an issue... 'cause I believed that the Bible was translated incorrectly and had lost many "plain and precious things" through the "designs of wicked men." But it was so clear.
The friend brought up inconsistencies between what older leaders had taught, and what newer leaders had taught...
There was a point where I just realized "It's not right." More and more confirmed that as I read and thought more.
But I still struggled for a while (days? weeks? i honestly can't remember anymore. it's all kinda a blur of horrible painful emotions) to actually let it go...
In the meantime, The first friend I mentioned, and this one, were both there to support me and answer questions. I struggled so much with works not earning Heaven. I still sometimes do.
But I knew I still believed in God. I didn't know exactly what kind of God He was, but I knew that He was there. And I was holding onto the belief that the Bible was inspired by God. It was a weak hold on all of that but it was still there.
I chose to actually leave those Mormon beliefs behind and commit my life to trying to follow Jesus Christ in the same night. I can still feel those emotions when I think back to that night, too. There was peace and I knew that I'd be sticking to the commitment to follow God for the rest of my life... To follow Him and not "the Church." And there is freedom in that. I knew my parents and family would be devastated (and they were), but I knew it'd be ok. And it is.
It's really hard some days with my entire family thinking I'm lost and everything, but it was the right decision.
I'm currently attending a Baptist church here in Utah. I went for the first time here in Utah last Sunday, with a friend I met online through another person online. =)
The first time I attended a Christian church, it was with that first friend I met at a message board. It helps so much to have someone to go with the first time... especially 'cause the service is so very different. ^^
I'm still learning and trying to get up the will to less passive when family brings up religion and how true "the Church" is. I really believe that I'm living where I'm at for a reason, though. I just need to surrender all my selfish fears and not be afraid to speak the truth just because it'd be more than a little awkward.
God has blessed me, though. Greatly. I've had some great friends who've just given so much support and love... A lot of them are/were from CAA.
Most are kinda going away, though. ._.
I've lost regular contact with the first friend I mentioned. I haven't talked to him for a couple of months. :\
Another one's moving and won't be back online for a few months.
Another just doesn't seem to want to do much... but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be... Maybe it's selfish to expect support from someone for such a long time-- especially when I've been so high maintenance in that area. And it's not like God's leaving me. Maybe He just wants me to depend on Him more, and not my friends.
I do have one woman here in Utah who seems really sweet... she has a similar religious background too... she's the one who was there when I went to church here.