How do you build self-esteem?

[FadedOne]

hm...ok, so this is a bit of a self-centered topic but I thought it could make for some good discussion, not to mention I surely need pointers.

Today was kind of rough for me for various reasons. The whole last week has been kind of hard, but that's to be expected and the prayers are helping lots. but anyways...today for some reason I was just totally down on myself and thinking all these 'you wont fit in, people will laugh, etc' thoughts about college. And honestly this is a huge fear of mine...not fitting in at college. ii'm not really like alot of girls and i always feel awkward & out of place and such. and bleh..it's just when i'm feeling so self-conscious i can't think about anyone else and I make myself and other people miserable. there's no joy then...
(er...the point of this thread isn't really about me, i'm just giving a bit of background for why this is an important issue to me. )

So yeah, ok I guess what i'm getting at is....regardless of circumstances, how do you guys teach yourself to be less self-conscious and to just...live. That is SO hard for me, i'm always second-guessing how i'm perceived and it makes life very hard sometimes. And I know there must be some trick to this, and I figured well....since this is a common issue I suspect and alot of people can be prone to self-consciousness, maybe those who read this can share how they deal with feelings of worthlessness/lack of self-confidence and it could make for some decent discussion.

and um...does that make sense? keep in mind i didn't get enough sleep lsat night and it's after midnight and i'm trying to think on a tired brain.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I suffer from mild to moderate depression and I go see a Christian councellor, that helps. I also find reading encouraging Bible verses helps and also putting a bit of time aside to catch up with old friends. Try and occupy yourself with something. Talk to someone you can trust about your problems. That's what I do and it helps, but it is a slow gradual process and especially in these times we need to lean more on Jesus and ask for His direction.
God Bless!

[Gypsy]

Rev. Doc posted a really good devotional that sort of fits into this topic:
http://www.christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=23856

I don't thinks there's any one trick to building self esteem. I think it comes from deciding that you are who you are, and you're ok with being a work in progress. As Christians, we know that God has something special planned for each of us, and it's easy to walk in confidence when you believe you were designed by your Creator.

I don't think it's ok to live in holy fear of what those around you are thinking. Are the unvoiced thoughts in the person next to you going to affect you in any way? It's so cliche, but true: when you like yourself, others will like you. You don't have to love every little detail about your appearance or your personality (actually, it's best not to ^^) but just know and accept who you are.

I hope other people have something to add, because I'm having a really hard time putting my thoughts into words here ...

[mechana2015]

Figure out things that you know you can do well and think of those and keep them in mind when you try to do things. This will help you understand who you are, and maybe by finding out what you do well you can find out why you do them well and apply that to other things... using the knowledge of why to build other areas that you are good at. Knowing who you arehelps improve self esteem. Trying to be other people tends to lower your self esteem.

[GhostontheNet]

hm...ok, so this is a bit of a self-centered topic but I thought it could make for some good discussion, not to mention I surely need pointers.

Today was kind of rough for me for various reasons. The whole last week has been kind of hard, but that's to be expected and the prayers are helping lots. but anyways...today for some reason I was just totally down on myself and thinking all these 'you wont fit in, people will laugh, etc' thoughts about college. And honestly this is a huge fear of mine...not fitting in at college. ii'm not really like alot of girls and i always feel awkward & out of place and such. and bleh..it's just when i'm feeling so self-conscious i can't think about anyone else and I make myself and other people miserable. there's no joy then...
(er...the point of this thread isn't really about me, i'm just giving a bit of background for why this is an important issue to me. )

So yeah, ok I guess what i'm getting at is....regardless of circumstances, how do you guys teach yourself to be less self-conscious and to just...live. That is SO hard for me, i'm always second-guessing how i'm perceived and it makes life very hard sometimes. And I know there must be some trick to this, and I figured well....since this is a common issue I suspect and alot of people can be prone to self-consciousness, maybe those who read this can share how they deal with feelings of worthlessness/lack of self-confidence and it could make for some decent discussion.

and um...does that make sense? keep in mind i didn't get enough sleep lsat night and it's after midnight and i'm trying to think on a tired brain.

And why does it matter whether anyone accepts you? The one who truly matters already accepts you, and anyone who does not accept you for who you are is not worth knowing or befriending. There are advantages to being alone, it allows for, if you only let it, an appreciation for the natural world and many things around you. It allows you to develop lucid thought and clearness of mind, to think without inhibition of the wills or others. To give a fourth-hand quote from Blaise Pascal, he says that the greatest problem among free individuals is that they are unable to sit in a room quietly. As to "self-esteem", I have little or none - no, all my value and honor comes from Christ and His kingdom-project and my part in it.

[shooraijin]

For me, I just learned to be able to be comfortable with myself. Then it didn't really matter the opinions of others, since they weren't relevant to how I saw "me." Part of this is coming to understand that you can't control other people's opinions of you, or what they choose to do with you or how they want to interact. They're going to do what they want. Do you really need the stress of trying to get a grip on something you'd never be able to alter anyway? I just went my own way, and enjoyed being liberated from that onus. Once your self-image is independent of what others think of you, the great irony is that they will tend to view you more positively.

[Aeolus21]

What people had seen in Jesus when he was on Earth was that he was a mere carpenter, a resident of Bethlehem and an enemy of the state. But Jesus saw himself diffentely - As the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. As you can see from reading the New Testament, He didn't let anyone's opinion shift Him from doing what needed to be done. And the result of that is history...

The point is that only YOU have control of your life. No one's opinion will change you because they only see yourself in their own eyes (which of course will be biased to that person's own ideals). They don't know what potential is inside you and the gifts God has given you.

So you have to learn to know who you are and what your good at and not rely on being motivated or consumed by people's thoughts. That's what humillity is and it's tough at first. But the more I myself had struggled with it, the more I felt inner peace surround me. And when you've found yourself calm and isolated from worrying about what other people think, you can better serve God.

[GhostontheNet]

What people had seen in Jesus when he was on Earth was that he was a mere carpenter, a resident of Bethlehem and an enemy of the state. But Jesus saw himself diffentely - As the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. As you can see from reading the New Testament, He didn't let anyone's opinion shift Him from doing what needed to be done. And the result of that is history...

That would be true of some people of His day and not others, to many "enemy of the state", i.e. the present order, would be a good thing.

[Archan]

Hi there again!

Well, for me personally not giving a flyin' hoot really works out. No, really, I really mean it. I find when I start to become self-consious about what everyone is thinking, be it church or college or even the grocery store, I'm constatnly distracted because I worry that if I move this way or that, will I like dumb, if I got sharpen my pencil, will it cause an awkward moment, do I dare look up and catch an accidental glance from someone? Just all really annoying to think about if you ask me.

However, when I just don't care, and I'm focused on what I'm doing a person seems to carry an air of confidence around them that others notice. And those peolpe know that you are minding your own business and therefore any static friction usually is lost. also, being college is college you'll soon be too tired to care about anything anyways, trust me, all you'll care about is food and sleep, and you'll never get enough of either

But another thing, I find being very receptive and considerate of other people and fellow classmates works out well. chances are when you get your fist round of classes, it will be everyone elses first time doing stuff as well, so everyone kind of has a common situation to relate to, everyone is looking for someone to relate to and chill with so to speak. And a person who carries themselves with confidence but also compasion is a groovey person to be around. But this mainly pertains to college.

As far as life, there's no set forumla, but mainly focusing on your goals, being considerate for strangers, "Hey, ya dropped something", "Do you need a little help", and most of all dwelling on the things of God, yes even when your at a grocery store, usually works out just fine. Most of all, dont care about what a stranger thinks of you, because chances are in the end it wont matter anyways, so why stress so much thought over it when you could be saving brain power for something more fun or productive, like sleep!

Anyways, enough babbeling, and I know this isn't the prayer room but know I'll be praying for, hope ya don't mind

Stay groovey,
God bless,
Archan

[agasfas]

I was just totally down on myself and thinking all these 'you wont fit in, people will laugh, etc' thoughts about college. And honestly this is a huge fear of mine...not fitting in at college.

To be honest, college is much different thin highschool. In highschool, everything is centered around popularity. People had certain "clicks." But in college, people are much more mature in gerneral. Trust me, there's a huge difference between the maturity levels. People could care less about your past. There are people from all walks of life and social groups.

My personal opinion on why people join fraternity or sorority is because that they can't except the fact that popularity isn't important or really there in the real world. We goto college to learn a skill and grow, not to become part of certain "clicks." Why would I care if a guy was some hot shot back in Madison? I don't.

I mean, I goto Texas State University. I see preppy people hang out with heavily tattooed people. Middle age men hanging out and talking to 18-24yr olds. I mean, it's acutally fascinating. Most people could care less. Of course, there are always a few immature people everywhere. But for the most part, it doesn't matter.

So yeah, I know you have all these thoughts of not fitting in are swimming around in your head, expecting the worse. But trust me, once you are there on campus, your worries will fade away eventually. Whatever your interests are, there are a ton of others who share them. For all you know it could even be that heavily tattooed dude

You'll be okay. Trust me.

[cbwing0]

Ok, first piece of advice...

i'm always second-guessing how i'm perceived

Don't do that!

Self-esteem is all about self-perception. The first step is to know that you are a valuable, interesting person.

After that, make sure that you actually are that valuable, interesting person. Don't be afraid to shine in public. If you have something to say, say it (especially important in college, where many classes are graded on "participation"). Always do your best, and don't worry about how you measure up to everyone else.

It is also important to realize that most people aren't walking around judging you negatively. The more likely scenario is that they aren't thinking about you at all; that is, unless you take the important first step of talking to them. Even though we live in a fallen world, I find that most people are friendly once you start a conversation with them. If you see that someone actually is judging you, just move on. There are plenty of people out there would will take you on your own terms.

Of course that means that you also have to be ready to accept others and be friendly. I used to have the same problem that you have, and ironically I would often find myself judging others just as I hoped that they would not judge me . Hopefully this isn't a problem for you, but I would encourage you to examine yourself, correcting the problem if it exists.

I will probably say more later, but for now I have to get to work .

[termyt]

A lot of what I was thinking about was already covered by others, so I’ll focus on one issue: selfishness. A lot of depression is caused by our own selfish desire to place ourselves above others.

We all have the inherent opinion that our world revolves around ourselves. The need for acceptance within a group (and thus the fear that we will not be accepted) is partially driven by the same selfish desire.

Most of you realize that the world as a whole does not revolve around you, however, there is still the idea that your own little world, your life, should be all about you. This is even taught to us as we grow through measures designed to improve self-esteem. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking often leads to poor self esteem when we learn that other people are under no obligation to please us – or even like us. The fact of the matter is you are not all that important to most of the people around you. (Mostly because they are busy trying to please themselves, too - vicious circle if ever there was one.)

Your world does not revolve around you. Your life is not about your own happiness or security. That is not why you were created. Ever ponder that great philosophical question, “Why am I here?â€

[Fsiphskilm]

[align=

[Rev. Doc]

Building self-esteem needs what anything else that is built needs, a good, solid foundation. God's word and prayer. The way you view yourself will change drastically when you view yourself through God's eyes.

[the_lizardqueen]

Wow...I'm still figuring this one out myself. I'm afraid I probably can't add much to what's already been said, and there have been many excellent points by the others. I definitely agree that it's important to rely on your relationship with God and to keep his loving view of you in mind. And it also helps to try and lessen the importance of how others view you and 'not give a flyin' hoot', to quote Archan ^_^

Myself, I know that I tend to prioritize other people's happiness and feelings over my own. I often get so caught up in trying to please others that I feel selfish to focus on myself. But I don't neccesarily go out of my way for others for the right reasons, I know it's because I don't feel important, cool or pretty enough to demand alot or decline being walked all over. I've struggled with alot of bitterness because of it all.

I remember last year, a girl at my bible college was speaking about the importance of reaching out to everyone and valuing them as human beings. She made an interesting point during the talk when she said that we have to remember that we are human beings as well. We wouldn't go tearing others apart for the their appearance or quirks, so why do so many people treat themselves like dirt?

There's a balance to be achieved though (see termyt's post), which is tricky. On the bright side, I know that college is definitely pretty different from highschool. Popularity is less important for the most part, and once you get past first year, the academics and important things like sleeping and eating tend to become major priorities

[Kat Walker]

It's hard to just simply "believe in yourself", you have to really know yourself first. You may struggle, like I did, with insecurity for quite a long time due to neglecting yourself and constantly obsessing over what everyone else thinks. Self-esteem can only come once you've figured a few things out. Take time alone and think.

What are your talents? What is your personality like? What is important to you? What do you like in yourself that you like in other people? What do you think makes a good friend? What qualities do you (not others) think need to change?

The more time you spend being introspective, the more you will get to know things about yourself that you might not have known before. You may unlock hidden talents or characteristics (it's like an RPG! XD!). The more interesting you find yourself, the more natural your self-confidence will be. And you will find that people are attracted to you for who you are, minus the pretense.

Sometimes being yourself is difficult when there is a lot of pressure around you, but when you've become secure in who you are resisting it is so much easier. If you're young adult right now you might find that it takes several years to become comfortable in your own skin, but its better to spend that time soul-searching than being yet another sheep that just follows the herd. I emphasize though...it doesn't help when you're surrounded by shallow and immature people everywhere. ^^;

You seem like a very thoughtful person, so I don't think you'll have too many problems. It's perfectly all right to be nervous. After all, college is a huge step. It's been over 2 years for me and I'm just barely getting into the swing of things. So remember that you are a unique person, and that if anyone else gives you grief just remember that the ALMIGHTY CREATOR OF ALL EXISTENCE knows you personally and loves you dearly. When you spend time throughout your day talking to God, its hard to feel insignificant.

[Syreth]

Building self-esteem needs what anything else that is built needs, a good, solid foundation. God's word and prayer. The way you view yourself will change drastically when you view yourself through God's eyes.

Amen. In order to really percieve yourself the way you are supposed to, we must draw near to God. In order to have proper self-esteem, we must first have Christ-esteem. In order to get past the barrier of our lack of confidence, we must put our confidence in our Father in heaven. Then we can get our eyes off ourselves and we stop worrying about it so much! At least that's how it worked for me. It's a struggle, no doubt, but God is the solution.

[Pent]

With me I may at times go to the opposite of that spactrum, in that I care maybe not enough of what people think of me (only at certian times). But I have your problem to at times. I don't know how I really deal with it. I figure if people don't like you for who you are or think your wierd they don't really matter. It's not like you are going to be friends with them. What they think can't affect you. It might embaress you, but you need to learn that embarresment is not a very big problem. And most of the time most people don't think your wierd anyway. And if they do, so? They think that, but it can't hurt you if you don't let it. Ya we might get embarresed at times, or situations might be awkward, but you can get past that.

[Yumie]

I used to have a darned low self-esteem, and I know EXACTLY what the problem was (my case, I think, is very rare, the reason being so obvious like it is): I was a member of a swim team for five years. But I came in to it when it had only been around for about five years, so everyone there had pretty much been there from the start and had developed a HUGE click. So basically, for five years I was on the outside looking in. Hardly anybody talked to me, and those who did talk to me were usually boys, ha ha (the boys were SO much nicer than the girls-- the girls were all too stuck up to even notice your existence.) There were a few nice girls, but that didn't outweigh the fact that two or three nice girls among the other fifty doesn't seem that fantastic. I actually had it better than Osaka-- there were those few girls who befriended me, but Osaka had nobody. She would even make an effort, like she would go up to the girls and say, "Hi!" And they would basically say, "Uh, hi. . ." And walk away. So being in an environment THAT oppressive, having everybody either a) think poorly of you, or b) not think of you at all, eventually you start to think poorly of yourself, and you start to want to just hide away. You try to make yourself insignificant to avoid drawing any attention from the people who hurt you. And it really eventually wreaks havoc on your self-esteem.

BUT NOW, I have absolutely no problems at ALL with who I am, and it has totally changed me, both mentally AND physically. When I got away from that darned pool and met people who actually liked me for who I was, I started thinking that what those girls thought didn't matter after all; I totally had a one-eighty, from the way I acted to the way I walked and talked and dressed, to the point where, when I saw some of those girls again a year or two later, they didn't even recognize me at first. Now, I make friends easily, and I learned a lot from the experience too about the way I should treat others. Because my own awful experience affected me the way it did, it's made me way more concious of the way that I should treat others. For instance, whenever anybody new comes into our youth group or some other group that I'm deeply involved in, I always immediately welcome them and try to make them feel accepted.

All this to say, sometimes just putting people around you who like you and accept you makes your self-esteem jump through the roof. It's like Yuki from Fruits Basket says, when some one tells you they like you for the first time, it makes you remember that it's OK to like yourself (I totally butchered that quote, but you get the gist.) And just ignore the people who don't treat you like the wonderful human being you are. They're not worth even wasting thoughts over. God loves you, we love you, and there are loads of people at college who will love you when you give them the chance to get to know you. Anyways, God bless and have fun at college!

[agasfas]

BUT NOW, I have absolutely no problems at ALL with who I am, and it has totally changed me, both mentally AND physically

Yeah, sometimes our past experiences make us a stronger person. We learn what in our lifes is really important and what isn't. If people don't like you for you, then forget them. Life is too short worrying about what others think. There will always be good genuinely like you for you.

I too used to have very low self-esteem because of my alopecia. People always stared at me and laughed behind my back (and in front). Although it's all in the past, the past experiences can be a tough thing to overcome. I'll even admit that I sometimes get down on myself because of it. I guess the reassurance I get from my friends and others who do care is what makes you feel better. Much like Yumie said, being around people who like you for you is a good way to feel better and encourage you.

From what I know of you, I know that you're a good hearted person who cares for others. God gave you a lot of potential and I know you have great things that lay ahead. Never let anyone tell you different.

I'll be praying for you I really hope things work out for you. Just remember, many people here at CAA care for you (including me). So that's one thing worth smiling to

Take care

[FadedOne]

oh my...so many responses ^_^ thanks much to everyone for taking time to think about the thread and write something and especially for all the encouragement. It's been very uplifting. much appreciated.

I'm tempted to comment on several things said, but my thoughts are distracted. Three episodes left to finish off Silent Mobius. so yeah...i'm off to do that.

[Shadowchild]

Whatever you do dont think the clothes from the company Self-Esteem will help... I tried...

[Kaligraphic]

Remember that your opinion isn't always right. In fact, it's usually wrong, and that's a good thing, because God sees you as being a lot better than you see yourself. Just look at God, and praise Him, and let Him tell you who and what you are.

When he tells you how he sees you, remember that he's right. He sees you as a saint, he sees you as valuable, and pure, and holy, because that's the spirit that he puts inside of you. As your mind is renewed, that knowledge seeps into your psyche and changes how you see yourself. On the other hand, you start to see other people the same way - and you realize that you're not nearly as important as you thought you were. And, quite frankly, you come to realize that it is good that you're not as important as you thought you were.