Non-christian boyfriend....

[Noeru1992]

Okay well, Im new here so Im thinking twice about putting this up but I need opinions on what to do from people that dont know everything about me. Not to call you guys "out-siders" or anyhting, But I just want to hear the opinion of somone that wont tell me what I want to hear! (if that made any sense!)

Okay my boyfriend, Alex, Isint a christian...And thats bad enough to me by it self. Because for a really long time I drifted away from God and I am recently trying to get back to him and back to what really matters. But I cant talk to my boyfriend about these things because he thinks it is a GOOD thing that I let go of God for so long, but it isint, and I wish I never had.

Recently me and my mom got into a fight about christianity because I didnt want to listen to Contemperary christian music, I'll listen to other stuff but that kind just...I like the message but Its not MY kind of music, yah know?. And she kept picking at me until I said somthing very very very bad that I wont post here, I denied God. In every way possible. And now I feel really crappy about it!

When I told Alex about our fight he thought it was a good thing! And I just cant understand how he could just laugh it off like it was nothing!

Plus he has smoked pot and stuff, Which I got him to stop. Cause I didnt want to be around somone that was doing it just for the heck of it and not caring. But I dont trust if he really stopped.

And he is really into porn and stuff like that, And it really buggs me. He knows I dont want to "lose it" but he keeps saying stuff about me, Last time we broke up (This is the 2nd time we have gone out, last time was about a year ago.) He told all of his friends all this stuff that "we did"! But we didnt do anything!

I dont know what to do!

And theres this Sean guy that I like, That respects me AND my belifes, and I really like him. But I promised Alex I wouldnt hurt him. And for me breaking a promise is like one of the worst things EVER!

Me and Alex started going out right when my ex boyfriend John broke up with me and it (secretly) took me 2 months to get over him. I just dont know how to tell Alex that he was just my rebound.

Please help if you can. And sorry if none of this made sense, Im tierd and Just woke up, Hopfully you guys will understand.

-Noelle

[shooraijin]

It's very hard to be emotionally involved with someone who doesn't share your core values, and the worst part is, you're the one who will have to tell him that you can't be treated that way.

The porn is particularly worrisome, because besides whatever exploitation and sin was involved in making the porn, you're the girl he's involved with and you're going to be mentally jumbled in with whatever he was watching. It colours his entire view of sexuality, especially during teenage years, and you don't want someone whose image and understanding of women is distorted into becoming a sex object.

I'm glad you recognized that Alex was someone you picked up on the rebound, and that's good insight. I'm also glad you recognize that Alex and you don't have the same core values at heart. I'm sure Alex is a nice guy, despite his (significant) shortcomings, and that probably made it even easier to be attracted to him when you did rebound. But while the solution is simple, it's not easy -- you will have to ask him about Christianity, making it clear that this a core value you will not compromise and that you expect the same of someone you would one day marry, and you will need to ask him about how he will solve his interest in porn.

If he can't give you answers, you will need to tell him that you will have to break it off, and that will be very hard for you to do. On the other hand, I think you've already concluded that it would be the best option.

I think, too, that you've recognized you rebound very hard. I think that if Alex is unable or unwilling to work with you, and you do need to break it off, that you hold back for awhile. God's best is not likely to be right around the corner if one strictly looks at percentages, and you may be waiting a long time. This might be the best time of your life to learn to depend on God, and build a relationship with Him so that later He can guide you to where and to whom your life will best serve Him.

I'll pray for you.

[Nami]

Well I am pretty sure I dont need to give advice lol after shooraijin did a very good job to help. But I will pray for you..

[Noeru1992]

I just dont know how to break up with him. He made sure that I promised, And now I think he only made me promise him because he knew this would happen. And he knows I dont break promises easily. But I think I gotta do this for God. I want somone who can help me get closer to him, Not pull me away.
And I know he isint going to be giving up the porn and other things.

-Noelle

[Noeru1992]

Well I am pretty sure I dont need to give advice lol after shooraijin did a very good job to help. But I will pray for you..

Thankies ^^ *hugies everyone within reach*

[shooraijin]

I just dont know how to break up with him. He made sure that I promised, And now I think he only made me promise him because he knew this would happen. And he knows I dont break promises easily. But I think I gotta do this for God. I want somone who can help me get closer to him, Not pull me away.
And I know he isint going to be giving up the porn and other things.

-Noelle

Yes, he may well have had you make that promise on purpose. Unfortunately, this is one promise you will have to break, especially since you've already mentioned he won't stop with the pornography. That right there should tell you that he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I don't think there's any easy way to break up with anyone. You do have consolation in that you know it's the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier.

[Noeru1992]

Yes, he may well have had you make that promise on purpose. Unfortunately, this is one promise you will have to break, especially since you've already mentioned he won't stop with the pornography. That right there should tell you that he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I don't think there's any easy way to break up with anyone. You do have consolation in that you know it's the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Yeah I know it's best if I break up with him. I dont know why I asked you gys on here. I just wanted to make sure what I was doing made sense. But now after reading what I posted, I dont see how NOT breaking up with him would be good or make sense in ANY way!
If I wanna get closer to God (WHICH I DO!!! ^^) then this is somthing I have to do. He is going to pull me away from God no matter what.
And I dont need pulled away anymore than I already am, It's bad enough to have let go this much!

[Nami]

Just be careful! Is he abusive? because he might try to get back at you for breaking up with him. Be really careful make sure you have some friends watching when you break up with him because if he does threaten you or anything then you will have witnesses

[Noeru1992]

Just be careful! Is he abusive? because he might try to get back at you for breaking up with him. Be really careful make sure you have some friends watching when you break up with him because if he does threaten you or anything then you will have witnesses

Oh Gosh no!!! He's not abusive he just makes some very bad decisions! I know he wont do anything like that!
He might not have my best internest in mind, But he would never PHSICALLY hurt me like that, and he prolly doesent even relize that he hurts me in other ways by pulling me away from God.

[Nami]

Oh Gosh no!!! He's not abusive he just makes some very bad decisions! I know he wont do anything like that!
He might not have my best internest in mind, But he would never PHSICALLY hurt me like that, and he prolly doesent even relize that he hurts me in other ways by pulling me away from God.

Oh That is very very very good. Yes, I see. It might be hard but it is harder to try to hold on to him and God. And some promises gotta be broken. I have never had a boyfriend but I have helped several of my friends with theirs... If I can be of further help just ask. for anything dont matter ^_^

[Noeru1992]

Oh That is very very very good. Yes, I see. It might be hard but it is harder to try to hold on to him and God. And some promises gotta be broken. I have never had a boyfriend but I have helped several of my friends with theirs... If I can be of further help just ask. for anything dont matter ^_^

Okies!!! ^^ !!!
The people on here are AWESOME! Im already loving CAA!!!
*huggies every living thing around her ^^*

[Nami]

Okies!!! ^^ !!!
The people on here are AWESOME! Im already loving CAA!!!
*huggies every living thing around her ^^*

^_^

[GhostPoet]

Okay well, Im new here so Im thinking twice about putting this up but I need opinions on what to do from people that dont know everything about me. Not to call you guys "out-siders" or anyhting, But I just want to hear the opinion of somone that wont tell me what I want to hear! (if that made any sense!)

Okay my boyfriend, Alex, Isint a christian...And thats bad enough to me by it self. Because for a really long time I drifted away from God and I am recently trying to get back to him and back to what really matters. But I cant talk to my boyfriend about these things because he thinks it is a GOOD thing that I let go of God for so long, but it isint, and I wish I never had.

Recently me and my mom got into a fight about christianity because I didnt want to listen to Contemperary christian music, I'll listen to other stuff but that kind just...I like the message but Its not MY kind of music, yah know?. And she kept picking at me until I said somthing very very very bad that I wont post here, I denied God. In every way possible. And now I feel really crappy about it!

When I told Alex about our fight he thought it was a good thing! And I just cant understand how he could just laugh it off like it was nothing!

Plus he has smoked pot and stuff, Which I got him to stop. Cause I didnt want to be around somone that was doing it just for the heck of it and not caring. But I dont trust if he really stopped.

And he is really into porn and stuff like that, And it really buggs me. He knows I dont want to "lose it" but he keeps saying stuff about me, Last time we broke up (This is the 2nd time we have gone out, last time was about a year ago.) He told all of his friends all this stuff that "we did"! But we didnt do anything!

I dont know what to do!

And theres this Sean guy that I like, That respects me AND my belifes, and I really like him. But I promised Alex I wouldnt hurt him. And for me breaking a promise is like one of the worst things EVER!

Me and Alex started going out right when my ex boyfriend John broke up with me and it (secretly) took me 2 months to get over him. I just dont know how to tell Alex that he was just my rebound.

Please help if you can. And sorry if none of this made sense, Im tierd and Just woke up, Hopfully you guys will understand.

-Noelle

If you enjoy pain and suffering and compromising your beliefs...then date a non-christian guy. But if you want to get close to God..you just can't do that. Take it from someone who dated a non-christian. It doesn't work. You will never be able to talk about God with a non-christian and have them understand you.

On the subject of music...some of the best rock and hardcore music out today is coming from the christian rock and hardcore scenes. I'm a christian and can't STAND contemporary.

[Nami]

I listen to Superchic[k], Krystal Myers. Etc. Audio A ^_~ All kinds of good stuff

[Noeru1992]

I listen to Christian Rock, and stuff like that. But I cant listen to contemperary Christian! I dont know why. It's not my kind of music! and my music is EVERYTHING to me!!!

[Mr. SmartyPants]

But I promised Alex I wouldnt hurt him.

tell me... what is more important, his feelings, or your walk with God? ^^

Definately your walk with God! Sure he'll feel like crap if you breka up with him... but I if you don't I think you'll be in heaps of more trouble in the future.

[Kura Ookami]

You promised your boyfriend you wouldnt hurt him? Okay. but God hasnt made any such promise to us even if we follow His will and are perfect christians. Look at any christian. We all go through suffering. Does that mean God doesnt love us? Of course not. If He didnt hurt us we wouldnt be purified of sin and we'd end up suffering alot more in hell.

Which is better? Him being with you when the relationship will never work or him finding a non-christian girlfriend who may end up being his true love? Breaking up with him might hurt him, but he might also thank you for it later.

[Noeru1992]

You promised your boyfriend you wouldnt hurt him? Okay. but God hasnt made any such promise to us even if we follow His will and are perfect christians. Look at any christian. We all go through suffering. Does that mean God doesnt love us? Of course not. If He didnt hurt us we wouldnt be purified of sin and we'd end up suffering alot more in hell.

Which is better? Him being with you when the relationship will never work or him finding a non-christian girlfriend who may end up being his true love? Breaking up with him might hurt him, but he might also thank you for it later.

Exactly and I understand that now! I love CAA....If I would have talked about this on anything else Im sure somone would have already said "who gives a.........?!?!?" or somthing! You guys are awesome! I LOF YOU ALL! ^^

[Noeru1992]

tell me... what is more important, his feelings, or your walk with God? ^^

Hmmmm...Lets see...Tough one...NOT!! God is more important than ANYTHING! ^^

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Hmmmm...Lets see...Tough one...NOT!! God is more important than ANYTHING!

exactally ^^, and you must realize, if someone is dragging you down, you must... not associate with them anymore. I don't mean completely ignore him. But... cool off from him, if you do break up, he'll feel like crap. But if you don't both of you will be in HEAPS of more trouble

And don't really expect to try to convert him while you guys are dating ^^ Or else they will say false things like "God must be real because he put you in my life, and we are dating etc etc", trying to bluff and stuff.

However if he ever does get saved, those words "God must be real because he put you in my life" will have true meaning ^^

[termyt]

I've really got nothing to add beyond the posts by shooraijin and others. I did want to post to express my agreement with him, though.

You may well have been manipulated into making a promise that you can not keep. If Alex is not willing to make a similar promise, then the deal is bad and you need to get out of it. There's no dishonor in breaking an agreement under these circumstances.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I've really got nothing to add beyond the posts by shooraijin and others. I did want to post to express my agreement with him, though.

You may well have been manipulated into making a promise that you can not keep. If Alex is not willing to make a similar promise, then the deal is bad and you need to get out of it. There's no dishonor in breaking an agreement under these circumstances.

hmmm termyt, that is a very intresting and true statement, never thought of that

Also, you are 13, no offense but... i mean you don't really need to be dating ^^ But if you still wish to, go ahead, just tread slowly and cautiously. Just so you know, when you feel that love-sickness and that you need someones love... its pretty misleading. Your heart can be very misleading. Instead you should listen to what God has to say. Does he want you to date? Because if he says no, and you still really want to. You WILL be happier in the longrun if you listen to him, dispite what your heart tells you ^^

[Kawaiikneko]

I agree with MSP but that's your decision to make.

On your topic, its not very fair to you if you have to make a promise not to hurt him. As girls we have the right to stop a relationship, however it's impossible to do that without hurting the guy. But think about it. Dating, ideally, should lead to marriage. Even though you're only 13 and that isn't really in sight yet (which is why I personally believe dating should be left until you're older), you have to take into consideration your own feelings. True, we should be considerate of others, but if you get absolutely nothing good from the relationship, he isn't putting in much effort and it would probably be better for you in the long run to break it off. I can't even imagine how hard that would be.. but still, from what you've said it doesn't seem like a very safe relationship. You have every right to back out of it and there's no shame in protecting yourself.

[agasfas]

Recently me and my mom got into a fight about christianity because I didnt want to listen to Contemperary christian music, I'll listen to other stuff but that kind just...I like the message but Its not MY kind of music, yah know?.

Yeah, I'm the same way. I just don't really care for the contempary stuff... not my kind of sound...


Anyways, if you feel in your heart that it isn't going to work, then I would stay with him. IN our lifetimes we are going to do things that we thought we wouldn't. Even if you made a promise, y'all are 13yrs old. Making a promise like that is basicly saying, "hey, I want to get married when we turn 18." It seems to me that in the relationship he cares more about himself then you. I mean, what kind of guy says stuff that isn't true to other people just because y'all broke up? THat can really ruin a reputation.

THe porn problems is another thing... I know if I had a girlfriend who looked up porn I'll be ****. Well, because I'm the one she should be thinking about, not these other people. Not about sex, but in general. My opinion on a relationship is that if two people decide to go out, commit to each other, then they need to do just that. Looking at other people naked isn't commiting oneself.

I know you may not want to, but just remember to make a promise that young doesn't mean much because y'all really dont' know what you want. There always comes a time in someones life to break a promise. Not because we wanted to, but because sometimes it's what we have to do to better ourselves in life and our relationships in Christ.

It just seems to me that this guy really doesn't care for you the same way. He may say he does but actions speak much louder then words. I say just give it a break, not a day or week, but really give it some time so that you can think about what you really want.

But yeah.

[Noeru1992]

hmmm termyt, that is a very intresting and true statement, never thought of that

Also, you are 13, no offense but... i mean you don't really need to be dating ^^ But if you still wish to, go ahead, just tread slowly and cautiously. Just so you know, when you feel that love-sickness and that you need someones love... its pretty misleading. Your heart can be very misleading. Instead you should listen to what God has to say. Does he want you to date? Because if he says no, and you still really want to. You WILL be happier in the longrun if you listen to him, dispite what your heart tells you ^^

I know Im 13. And most People dont think 13 y/o's Should date. But I can tell right from wrong, And if Alex wouldnt have been hiding all this from me when we started going tou and stuff, Then I never would have dated him.
And I wont go through and hurt a ton of people to get to the right one. If I really love somone I'll be with them unless God tells me not to, Not to bag on other 13 y/o's, but The ones that live where I live are alot different from me, And I see how the guys look at them and stuff, And some girls WANT to be looked at like that. But I dont, Its the last thing I want.
I might be 13 but Im not stupid (Not to sound mean). And just for the record, I dont think I plan on dating for awhile.


Luv yah all!
- Noelle

[Noeru1992]

Yeah, I'm the same way. I just don't really care for the contempary stuff... not my kind of sound...


Anyways, if you feel in your heart that it isn't going to work, then I would stay with him. IN our lifetimes we are going to do things that we thought we wouldn't. Even if you made a promise, y'all are 13yrs old. Making a promise like that is basicly saying, "hey, I want to get married when we turn 18." It seems to me that in the relationship he cares more about himself then you. I mean, what kind of guy says stuff that isn't true to other people just because y'all broke up? THat can really ruin a reputation.

THe porn problems is another thing... I know if I had a girlfriend who looked up porn I'll be ****. Well, because I'm the one she should be thinking about, not these other people. Not about sex, but in general. My opinion on a relationship is that if two people decide to go out, commit to each other, then they need to do just that. Looking at other people naked isn't commiting oneself.

I know you may not want to, but just remember to make a promise that young doesn't mean much because y'all really dont' know what you want. There always comes a time in someones life to break a promise. Not because we wanted to, but because sometimes it's what we have to do to better ourselves in life and our relationships in Christ.

It just seems to me that this guy really doesn't care for you the same way. He may say he does but actions speak much louder then words. I say just give it a break, not a day or week, but really give it some time so that you can think about what you really want.

But ye

Yeah, I just really thought he would change. I geuss maybe I thought that He would be like he used to be. But he isint, At all, But he lied to me about that until we started going out.

[agasfas]

Yeah, I just really thought he would change. I geuss maybe I thought that He would be like he used to be. But he isint, At all, But he lied to me about that until we started going out.

Reminds me of my brothers girlfriend. THey went out for about almost 1 and a half. They thought they really loved each other. Anyways, his girlfriend treated him like crap. She was mean and they faught like 5times a day over stupid things. Everytime we had guy hangouts with our friends, nothing positive about of his girlfriend came out of his mouth. Yet he said he loved her. He said, "every couple fights." Then my friend lend over and said, "yeah, but that much fighting is what causes divorces."

After much more time my brother decided to break it off (yesterday). It was always about Tiffany (the girlfriend) and no one else. Only her feelings mattered and not my brothers. The 2 times my brother broke up with her she always said the same thing, " I"ll change." She would, but only for about a few days. Then back to her orginal self. A relationship shouldn't be half heart. Both have to give it their all to each other because that's what makes a relationship work.

Perhaps you like him, but sometimes we need to let them go because we just know things wouldn't work out.

Anyways, the choice is up to you. All I say is to follow your heart and what you believe is the right thing to do.

[Nightshade X]

I know Im 13. And most People dont think 13 y/o's Should date. But I can tell right from wrong, And if Alex wouldnt have been hiding all this from me when we started going tou and stuff, Then I never would have dated him.
And I wont go through and hurt a ton of people to get to the right one. If I really love somone I'll be with them unless God tells me not to, Not to bag on other 13 y/o's, but The ones that live where I live are alot different from me, And I see how the guys look at them and stuff, And some girls WANT to be looked at like that. But I dont, Its the last thing I want.
I might be 13 but Im not stupid (Not to sound mean). And just for the record, I dont think I plan on dating for awhile.


Luv yah all!
- Noelle

Woah... here I am, coming in all late and everything... all the advice has been dispensed and everything. Tsk... I'm so disappointed in me!!!

Wait... there is something I'd yet like to express. My personal experience is a bit different than what you're going through right now, only because I actually started dating at 18 and I've made some pretty major mistakes in a very short time... even before then (if you want to know any details, pm me. I won't go into it here)... but I believe my addition can help, if only for a little bit. However, this is all coming from personal experience and should be taken as simply that. How to begin...

First, I think it's an excellent idea that you don't plan on dating for a while. Now, I'm not saying that you don't know the difference between right and wrong. If you didn't know the difference, this thread would not exist. I say it because most people who start dating that early generally don't know what they want and aren't prepared emotionally to handle the pain of heartache when the breakup inevitably comes a-knockin'. Sorry to say, but those people who end up marrying their childhood sweethearts seem to be the exception, not the rule. It just doesn't happen as often to justify the risk of heartache involved.

Now, about the appearance issue... Excellent move. First, most women don't know how dangerous just being looked at that way can be. Second, they don't seem to understand how difficult they can make it for men who really don't want to look. Think of it this way: as far as the male instinct goes, it's like dangling a big ol' piece of steak in front of a lion. It's very difficult to resist, even with the Holy Spirit in him, and nearly impossible for those without Him. The worst part of it is... they just don't get it. Men and women are wired differently when it comes to that. (Warning: I'm about to go into something that has been repeated to the point of being beaten to death.) Men are turned on by what they see. That is just the way it is. Therefore, on behalf of all men who are actively seeking to defy that part of us, thank you. You are an exception to that unfortunate rule of ignorance...

Finally, I'd like to say that it would appear that you've got a good head on your shoulders. Personally, I'm glad that you don't want to be gawked at by a bunch of guys. It takes a lot of courage to stand apart from the crowd and do what's right, and you are seeking to do that. Now, here is the last bit of my advice... take an extended break from dating. Yes, I know you plan to do that, but you'll need to fill your time and thought life with something else. The best thing to do with that time is just to give it to God. Give your time... your thought life... even your currently un-formed dating life to Him. In seeking every opportunity to serve Him, He will provide you with everything you need... even the wisdom that you'll need to start dating again, when the time for that comes. Don't let the things of this world sway you. Trust me, you'll have a better life under His service than not.

And... about the music thing... I can't stand the Contemorary stuff very much anymore. I used to, but it's so... slow!! >_< However, there are a lot of alternative styles of Christian music out there. Hardcore, emo, punk, rock, swing, ska... the list goes on and on! Feel free to check out the Jam Session section of the forum. There are great resources there.

Ok, I've said my peace, and it got long! I think I'm done for now... so, I'll go. Oh, and since you seem a little new to me... welcome to CAA. This place is a true blessing, so enjoy the time you have here. ^_^

[Nate]

ska

Ska is banned. Nobody listens to ska.

Kidding.

Well, all I will say is I will agree with a lot of people in this thread. Or I'm assuming a lot of people. I uh, didn't read anything beyond the first post, I'm afraid. ^^;;

But I think dating during the early teen years is a BAD idea. You're going through a lot of changes physically and emotionally, and hormones are starting to kick in, and it's a big mess...you don't need to heap dating on top of all that, you're going to go through enough crap without that.

I would say, don't start dating until you've turned 18 or so. That way, you're done with high school, which is a huge stressfest, and your hormones are starting to wind down and you can think with a clearer head.

Anyway, I'll shut up now because I'm probably parroting other people in this thread and have made no real contribution. ^^;;

[Kawaiikneko]

btw I agree with everything nightwing says, and I'm so very very sorry if you thought I was condemning you and saying you couldn't make your own choices. If you did, its my fault that I couldn't word my statements right ^^;

On the topic of music, you don't HAVE to listen to contemporary Christian music, and its kinda sad that your mom might think that. My advice is to check out some great Christian rock sites (if that's what you're into) like radiou.com If you know the bands you like, there's always purevolume also.