Growing Distant...

[Fsiphskilm]

The Pas

[Felix]

I can't explain the deep sadness I felt while reading this, Volt...please don't give up on hope. I have you in my prayers.

[Azier the Swordsman]

The Past 2 months I haven't been myself. I don't feel like I am who I'm suppose to be.

I've been under so much stress, so many problems, as soon as I fix one, 3 more take it's place. And I've let that turn me into a really nasty christian.

I'm always so negative, I hate everything, And Lately I've lost the will to live. I've been having sharp pain in my lower right abdonim, for 2 days now. I've decided that I really don't care what happens, I refuse to get to a hospital, I'm willing to throw it all away, let it all go, everything I've worked for, Becuase it doesn't amount to much anyway.

[indent]I'm failing Classes, I'm wasting so much money, and my Parents are working themselves to death, I feel like I'm too much of a burden, and if I do get past these next set of classes, many others, more difficult, await me. I'm not going to make it. And If I quit College that means I go back home. I'd honestly rather just leave this earth than go back home to an emotionally abusive father. I love my mom and little brother, but the worth of my life is finally shining through. Me staying Alive and fighting and trying to accomplish something, is of very little worth. I've known this the whole time but... I've been in denile about it.[/indent]

And Don't try to feed me one of those "you have so much to live for" speaches. Success is something I've never had, I've always looked at, but in my life success is like a boat leaving the harbor, when It was leaving, I wasn't allowed on, and All this time I've stared and watched it float further away from me. Just now realizing how bad things are:

• I've been at Full Sail for 9 months now, and I've only passed 2months worth of classes (told ya)
• My rent is $600.00 and something a month, I can't keep sucking up money like this, sooner or later I'll have to tell my parents that I can't do this, Already, Everytime I call them I have the burden of telling them I failed a Class, or Need more money. I'm a person that feels very uncomfortable asking others for things.
• I have to ride my bike 3.5 miles to get to school everyday, then 3.5 miles back. Summer in Florida is hell on earth, 100 degree weather, Random Thunderstorms... I'm stuck in my current apartment until Sept, I'm bound by the lease. So I've got months of hell awaiting me as well.

[indent]If I go back home... I don't want to work at my old job for $5.25 an hour, I do so much work and yet Haven't gotten a raise in a year. (The conditions state that employees get 2 raises per year), so I get to work myself into a sweat while watching other employees sit around and get payed $9/hour. None of that was an exageration. I've gotten a 10 cent raise since I started working there, 1 year and 1/2 later, I get a "whopping" 10 cent raise. That's really heartbreaking.[/indent]

My Christianity... I feel like I'm growing distant from God, Every day slowly, like I'm being washed away. I'm becoming more and more negative and more hypocritical. I'm shocked to find me asking myself this question but, If something does happen to me, I'm not sure where I'll go, no one in their right mind would look forward to hell, but I feel I don't deserve Heaven. Like I'm headed towards a bad place, I can get out of this, if I get closer to God, but I feel that I don't deserve it, and So I've stayed curled up on the couch, not wanting to do anything, but just think deeply about all this.

Suddenly I realize my situation, the fact that I cannot do good in classes, I never was a bright student, I can't learn this. And I don't want to go back home... So now I'm thinking...

[indent]If My health issues get worst? Why should I try to save myself? What's the upside to that? Go back to class, fail again and again, go home, and be a no-body? It's just not worth it. So I've decided Not to go the hospital, but to just keep quite about it. Whatever happens, happens. I don't have the will to keep fighting in these pitch black rooms, with no hope for ever making it out.[/indent]

I stoped writing down new ideas, because realisticly i'll never reach a status important enough to share them. Life sucks, for me anyway.

Sounds like you are under some serious attack from the enemy. I don't really believe for one second you are a failure, nor a bad Christian. I think God has great things in store for you, and the enemy is fighting to see they never come to fruition. His best weapon is to attack your life and make you feel worthless. Because if he succeeds in making you give up, he's won.

Get alone with God for an extended period of time. Just bring all your problems to him and spend time in his prescense(sp?). There is one important point, though I recommend praying about, and that is double checking with him to make sure that you are within his will. Are you going in the direction he wants you too? Or are you following your own path?

This helps uncover the best way to attack the problem: If you are in God's will, it is nothing more than the enemies' attack, and you will have to rebuke it. If you are in God's will, and you keep at it, nothing can stop you.

If you are not, then you should inquire of God's correct will for your life, and follow it. It may require completely changing your plans and doing things you don't really want to, but you will be happier in the long run.

I don't know you personally, nor do I have any idea about your spiritual life, so I'm not sure exactly what to say that would be most helpful to you, but I do want to say that I believe in you, as does everyone here. Keep at it man.

[Felix]

I couldn't have said it better, Azier. I agree with all that and second everything you just said.
God will see you through this, Volt. He always has for me.

[Fsiphskilm]

I've had pro

[Azier the Swordsman]

I sincerely hope you aren't considering suicide.... please, promise you won't go that route. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Felix]

I know it is easier said than done....and I also feel that satan wants you to feel that way...like you have nothing left to fight with or fight for.... *sigh* I'm not the right person for stuff like this...but I do know that following this line of thinking can never lead you to something good..There are a few people I know who, as far as I know, went through almost exactly the same thing you are, and, in retrospect, can clearly see how things were working...and know that it was best for them to not give up ALL hope....God put in us a natural hope...and as hopeless it may seem some part of still has hope....and now I'm rambling and I'mnot sure what I really mean to say...but you have my thoughts and hopes and prayers, Volt.
I also suggest you maybe find someone close to you and trustworthy and with experience to who you can share how you feel and maybe take advice from. I know that talking to people who have been trough similar things can be one of the best ways to find hope and reasurance.
And God is always the best one for understanding things like this...just turn to him..spend some time with him and hopefully he will show you what he wants of you...and know that whatever happens will not be out of place with his will.
But who's going to listen to the ramblings of a 14-year-old anyway?? I really hope I could help in whatever small way, Volt.
Still praying,
Felix.

[PrincessZelda]

I actually, know how you feel. I've been this way before. Whatever you do don't commet suicide. About the only thing to do is pray. Just pray for God to help you get through this. Just pray constantly. Whenever you get the chance. And I will pray for you too.

[Fsiphskilm]

[quote="V

[Joshua Christopher]

Suicide can be immediatly ruled out here. I didn't say I was suicidal, I said I just lost my will and motivation to save myself, to keep struggling.

Though for different reasons, I feel the same way as you do Volt.

Though I wouldn't intentionally hurt myself, I really wouldn't care if I died right now.

But you know, life is life, life can suck, it usually does.

Put things in perspective though.

Go try living in Iraq with Saddam dictating and our problems here won't seem quite as bad.

I'm depressed right now, you are as well.

Hey, we've gotta move on. None of us are worthy of Heaven, and that's why Jesus did what He did for us.

I'll pray for you man.

[agasfas]

And Don't try to feed me one of those "you have so much to live for" speaches.

Oh, I wont.

Sure things may not be going perfect, but doesn't mean you are the only one who has to work so hard for everything. To give yourself more self-pitty to make yourself get some breif relief, will only cause more grief in the long run. Whether we like it or not, in life some of us have to fight twice as hard for the things they want then others. Sucks but that's life. So instead of giving up, just pick yourself up again and keep going. Because if you don't, then you wont get far in life or amount to much. It's always so much easier to give up.

[Fsiphskilm]

[quote]O

[PrincessZelda]

Well though, about the only good advice is to pray and not put yourself down... It may not seem like much, but there's not much else.

EDIT:

And also, saying that you have so much to live for is also extremely true. That alone should be reason enough to live. Even if you've already heard it five million times, it's still true.

[kaji]

If you have no will to live your life for your self, then live your life for your Savior. Forget about what you want, and what benefits you, and persue what ever will bring glory to God. The life frustrations that you are facing could very well be because you are not following Gods will for your life.

Also, while I can understand the realization that some thing I have been struggleing for has all been in vain and that my attention has been focused completely in the wrong place, I cannot understand a complete lack of hope in life from some one who knows the truth of salvation. (for our hope doenst lie in a good life here, but in salvation from Christ).

-kaji

[Hikage_Ninja]

Volt, I don't know you, really. I rarely come to these boards and I don't think I've ever talked with you before...but I understand how you feel. I tend to go through various depression 'phases'...where they come and go...but at the moment, to be honest, I've not felt this bad, especially for so long, since I was like...15 years old...so about 3 years.

In any case...as I said, I know how you feel. Not only do I feel distant from God, but also my closest friends and family. I have no motivation and am completely apathetic in doing anything. All I want to do is lie in bed all day and never get up...because I feel as though there's no REASON to get up. I feel completely alone...in my feelings and my thoughts... And not only can I NOT pray...I can't find any thing inside myself that even wants to. I just want to give up. If I had a choice, I would completely just cease to live if I could. But since I'm not one for suicide (basically, I just don't want to go to Hell), all I can do is take each day as it comes. Each day, all I can do is try and look for some kind of light out of this dark tunnel that I seem to be completely lost in.

As you said, as soon as one problem is fixed, three more appear. It's completely true...I know what you mean. But all I can do is try and plow through them as best I can. It's hard...life's problems are hard enough as they are when you're feeling normal...but when you're feeling depressed (especially after feeling like this for a while), it seems to be 10 times worse...but, all we can do is try to get through the day, I guess.

Yes...like you, I realize that I'm not the only one with problems...and that many people are often worse off than I am...but that doesn't make me feel better at all. In fact, it makes me feel worse because they have more reason to be depressed than I do...yet I still feel like completely and utter crap...and I don't have the reasons that they do to feel like this. (Sorry, that was an awkward explanation...)

To be honest...I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say...except to let you know there's someone else out there that understands you. Which I definitely could have said like in...one sentence. I wish that I could have some advice for you, but I don't...I can't even get myself out of this rut...but all I can say is...I hope you feel better soon.

Oh and another thing...someone mentioned intentional injury...although I don't think you mentioned it anywhere. In any case...it's not a good idea to start on that. It doesn't really make you feel too much better (especially in the long run) and it gets VEEERY addicting after a bit...and it's incredibly difficult to stop.

Anyway, if you want to IM with someone...feel free to contact me. AIM: NinjaSwiftblade3; MSN: HikageNinja@hotmail.com

[kaji]

At least here I can get responses from poeple that feel similar like Impact. Plus when you read a post about someone whos having a hard time, it makes you feel a bit better, like "i'm glad I'm not him/her"

What kind of comment is that!?! Who in the world gets joy from other peoples honest missery!?

[Felix]

One thing I always think about when I'm feeling down or angry or depressed...your body doesn't even belong to you....so you're not even allowed to have the choice to be depressed. It's God who made you...so you're either going to honor Him by living your life how he wanted you to, or you're going to reject him and go your own way...and personally, I really don't think God would want you to be the way you are....do you think He's smiling on you as you think these thoughts? You probably don't care...but like I said....your body is His, not yours...so you aren't allowed not to care.
Maybe that seems a little extreme but it's truth...and truth never "let's" itself die.

[Jasdero]

Oh, Volt..... *hug* You're going through a lot.... You can do it! You're so intelligent, I know you can do it! You're going through a rough spot right now, but it'll pass with time. Don't give up; you'll make it.

x__x I have to go right now, but please, take care of yourself. Go to a doctor and see what's wrong. Deal with things one at a time. As long as you're doing your best, that's all that matters. If you ever need someone to confide in or rant to, I'm more than willing to be on the receiving end; I'll go add you to Yahoo right now. I'll be praying for you and I hope you find your footing and realize that you, and everything you do, amount to more than you can imagine.

[FadedOne]

I've had problems in the past, but nothing is like this one.

This is the ultimate one, and over-coming it is easier said than done. I just don't have the will or motivation to accomplish anything.

Even In the past, I've had worst problems, and no matter what I've always had a bit of hope in the back of my mind, no matter how bad it was I always said, "It could get better, it might." but this time... It's different, I've let go. I have absolutely no will to fight, not a single ounce or drop. I have completely let go of all attemps to fight.

I have no will to pray or attempt to make things better, I have no will to do anything but just stop exhisting. I'm not suicidal, so I won't do something that directly endangers my life, But lets just say if something where about to fall on me, I'd walk as slowly as possible away from the spot that I'm standing.

I have no will to talk spiritual, or cheer myself up, or talk things over with God. If I do start thinking about what to say or pray about, I'm afraid I'll end up messing up my relationship with him even more, So I'd rather just keep my mind idle and blank.

I keep staring at this page feeling like I should say something encouraging, but I'm honestly not sure whether what I have to say would be. So yeah...i'm going to try, but if it's the same old bs, dont hate me. lol.

Reading through this thread, it's all so familiar. Disappointment, inability to believe in hope, lack of motivation, etc. Man, I know what that's like. And i know, i know..it's so easy to say 'I understand' but I think I do, at least partly. I've been in pits of despair and tried to help others out as well. It indeed sucks royally. Very hard sometimes to keep the will to live when it seems that there's no point in trying and that life is merely a recurring circle of pain...

What I do know however is that nobody's life is worthless. Society tries to convince us daily of what makes our lives 'worthwhile' and that veering to either side of that is failure. Failure is so relative. I think that our main mission in life is to SURVIVE. To hang onto God until it's time to go home. Sure it's easy to feel like it's all just too much and that time might be now, but ehh...perspective affects so much of how life and circumstances look.

I wont claim to know much about you or to understand or to have answers to your problem. That'd be stupid. From observation and random noticings on CAA, you're a rather handsome guy with a good head on his shoulders, talent, and a heck of alot of potential that just hasn't been fully tapped into yet. And I dont think that's just 'build up your confidence' bs...

I'd also say that from reading this thread, you sound like you deal with depression alot. That doesn't make you a hopeless or a lousy person. I like to study personality types and such things, and i've noticed that some of us are more inward. We think about things more, take more in, dwell on stuff, feel much of life more deeply than other types. There's nothing wrong with that. I like to keep myself encouraged with the believe that God has special compassion for such people b/c He knows that life tends to be alot harder on us. But you know, I also believe He uses such people for some of His most important work. And THAT is the main reason by satan, who is the worlds biggest ***(um...ok, i'm going to censor myself here), targets us so much! I could rant forever about this, b/c it's an issue close to my heart, but I fear i'd end up sounding stupid so i'll move on.

I guess basically what I'm saying is that even if you feel you'd do yourself, your family, and the world a great service just giving up(i know i deal w/ that lie continuously), it's totally the opposite. For the sake of those you love, take hold of even the tiniest bit of hope and hang on. It's so very important that we keep living and keep satan from a single victory. very very important. And I imagine there's many people who care greatly about you that notice your struggle and wish they could help in some way. i'd encourage you to let them and to will yourself to survive.

you're never too far from God to be embraced by Him, nor too unworthy to talk everything out w/ Him and find peace and forgiveness, or merely a listening ear. Another big lie we get fed alot is that trying will only bring more failure, and that God gets sick of our futile attempts. That's so not true...it's much worse to give up trying than to try and fail. and yeah...I just hope you wont think that it's useless to talk everyone out w/ God and see where that takes you. You can't hurt your relationship w/ God by trying...

anyways, this is long and probably rambly and weird sounding. It's just that reading this reminded me of myself and also of a dear friend who's dealing with this kind of thing right now, and it really breaks my heart. And yeah...just knowing what it's like makes me really hope things look up for you. Know that there is indeed a brighter side to life and that perspective is VERY important. and yeah lol, hopefully this comment isn't stupid. I'm praying for ya.

God bless,

Lara

[Raiden no Kishi]

What kind of comment is that!?! Who in the world gets joy from other peoples honest missery!?

Allow me to make a statement in Volt's defense. I believe what he means (at least this is what I think) is that hearing of someone going through worse makes one realize that yes, things could be worse, and knowing that you haven't hit absolute rock bottom is of some solace. Not in a "Feh, sucks to be them" kind of way, but a realizing that since people are dealing with worse, you can handle what you're dealing with.

Again, this is only my opinion.

.rai//

[Jasdero]

Allow me to make a statement in Volt's defense. I believe what he means (at least this is what I think) is that hearing of someone going through worse makes one realize that yes, things could be worse, and knowing that you haven't hit absolute rock bottom is of some solace. Not in a "Feh, sucks to be them" kind of way, but a realizing that since people are dealing with worse, you can handle what you're dealing with.

Again, this is only my opinion.

.rai//

Yeah, I agree. It's not that you're getting any enjoyment out of hearing it -- You're going to be worrying about them now, after all. -- but it let's you know that there could always be something worse.

[Alice]

It's depression, you can't be talked out of it. (Trust me, I know.)

I have a lot to say, just my own experience, actually, but right now I don't have much time.

First thing I want to say is, "Don't worry about praying." Sorry if that makes me sound like a heretic.

It's just that the more pressure you feel the worse people tend to feel. God doesn't want to be another thing on your to-do list, another thing to make you feel awful or like a failure.

Sometimes you have to remember the thing in the Bible that says "Be still and know that I am God." I think just laying in bed and breathing can be a prayer, sometimes.

It's like, God made you, and you're breathing. Just breathing. And He knows you're there, and that's like, something. Sometimes that's all you can do, or all you should do. Don't let it become another pressure point. Not now.

Sorry if this sounds dumb. Maybe I can edit it later.

[Kaligraphic]

You know, Volt, I think I've been there. It sounds like about the same place.

I was running out of money (even stopped my allergy medication because I couldn't afford it), classes not going so well, emotionally exhausted because I was having to play counselor to three people at once. The only reason I was even opening the Bible was because I kept having to answer some rather difficult questions about it, and had to teach my friend about various subjects - always on short/no notice. ("Hi, Kali, I just thought I'd drop by, oh, and would you mind explaining in detail the significance of all of the elements of the Temple?") To this day, I'm a little bit surprised at how much I found that I knew.

After a while, I didn't really want to do anything at all. Basically, I was strung out and pretty close to just snapping and stopping doing anything. But you know what got me going again? It wasn't any "you have so much to look forward to" message - it was revenge, pure and simple. You see, after a while, my eyes opened, and I saw what was really going on. I don't know exactly why, but one of the friends I was with said something along the lines of "I feel like God's joke." As she said that, it's like I suddenly realized something - I saw what was behind a lot of things, actually. It was kind of like my spirit just snapped.

She had barely got the words out, when I stood up and said something like "I rebuke that thought in Jesus' name! That is a lie of the devil, and it has no right to be in your head!" and some other stuff. It's funny, just in a split second, my whole approach went from caring for and comforting my friend to speaking holy wrath against this thing. I saw its true nature - that it's not something that people just think, but rather it's a deliberate, unholy attack. I realized that a lot of the other issues that I was dealing with were similar. The thing is, I think I may have realized that earlier, but just in kind of an abstract way, but all of a sudden, I was able to get angry about it.

Yes, God has given me truckloads of blessing, but what got me going then was this: the promise of revenge against the devil. I've been told that my approach to spiritual warfare is a bit more bloodthirsty and aggressive than some, but you know what? It works. And God hasn't complained. As for success, well, I wasn't exactly feeling it either, but you know what? God IS victory - HE IS YOUR SUCCESS. His word does not return void, but has power to accomplish.

You know what? I think that at the time I felt like I deserved it. But the thing is, it didn't matter who I was, or how badly I'd fscked things up, or how little I'd accomplished. The this is, I don't belong to me. My problem was that I couldn't get upset over what was done to me, simply because it was me. But then God showed me something - something really amazing to me. He showed me that for the devil to occupy my territory wasn't just an affront to me, but an insult to Him. You see, we were bought outright - our lives brought even forcibly into the kingdom. If someone were to launch a military invasion of California, that would be considered an act of war against the entire United States of America. Same thing, though, with Rhode Island. You could invade any part of France, and you would still run afoul of the French army. Just like that, it's like we're vassals of God - our lives and territories are like feudal feifdoms - and for an enemy to occupy even the slightest part of a vassal's lands is still an affront to the king under whose name he holds those lands. I had to realize that the devil's actions against me were an affront to my lord before I could get up and fight back.

Victory is a curious thing - we can live our lives without it and think it's unnecessary, but once we've tasted it - we can't let go.

Hmm, I hope this reply wasn't too long and boring.

[Fsiphskilm]

Thanks

[Silvanis]

My prayers go out to you Volt. Don't give up! I wish I could give you some advice, but my brain's empty. *brain makes weird whirring noise*

[AngelSakura]

Arg, if there's one thing I hate, it's the inability to help someone I truly care for. I wish I had something worthwhile to say. I'm happy you're looking towards the brighter side of things as of this most recent post. I really believe that our Lord will pull you through. I really do wonder, every day, why I bother going on. Whether anything really matters in the end. I can't say I have an answer. But I hope you find one.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

And Don't try to feed me one of those "you have so much to live for" speaches. Success is something I've never had, I've always looked at, but in my life success is like a boat leaving the harbor, when It was leaving, I wasn't allowed on, and All this time I've stared and watched it float further away from me.

the reason is because you havent worked FOR that success.... if you haven't received it.... work harder... and have more faith... your success shall come... it may take a HECK of a lot longer then other people though...

[K. Ayato]

Forgive me if I appear to be giving you pat answers, Volt, but I have been through the tough times--over and over---that you were describing . I'll be honest with you and everyone here, in that when I was going through serious depression I thought no one really cared for me and I actually had considered ending my life. Turned out that my views on myself and everyone else around me were totally distorted. I realized God--as well as my family and friends--really DID care about me, even if it wasn't the way I had thought it up. That was my problem right there. Everything had to be the way I had imagined it, but that's not reality.

To sum it up, I had to (fully) understand that life is never 100% easy for anyone. And believe me, I'm still learning.

No Believer likes to be broken, and believe me, I sure didn't. Just, sometimes that's the only way we can grow and mature more.

[Fsiphskilm]

[quote="M

[Technomancer]

It's terrible to hear all of this, most of us have confronted bad times or failure before, although I'm sure nothing so stark. I don't know what encouragement I can give you save to say that I hope the decisions you make in the coming months work out. Remember though, should you decide to hang on there are many of us who are in some respects familiar with your subjects, especially mathematics. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it- either from us or from the people at your school.