Jokes! He he...

To Write Love on Her Arms · Postby **ZiP** » Sun Oct 19, 2003 2:24 pm

I love too make people laugh and this is the only way to express my writing, so here goes.

Dumb 'feller jokes.

1. Q. How do you kill a dumb person? A. Put a scratch and sniff on the bottem of a pool.

2. Q. If you threw up a dumb person and a normal one which would come down first? A. The normal person cause the dumb one would have to ask for directions.

3. There were 3 dumb people and one normal person hanging for dear life on a bamboo stick which was cracking from the weight, so the dumb people said to the normal person, "You jump we don't want to die!"
The normal person said "OK but I have one thing to say, if your happy and you know it, clap your hands!" so the dump people did.

4. There were 3 dumb people and a smart one hanging on a plain ladder
and the plane was going down cause of the weight, so the smart person said, "I'll jump." So the dumb people clapped for him.

That's all for this thread, coming soon: More jokes!
stick around and vote on the poll after you read this.

Postby **uc pseudonym** » Sun Oct 19, 2003 5:27 pm

Not bad or anything. I think I've heard most of those before, but if you thought them up yourself, good job. The third joke could use a bit or rephrasing, the comedic timing could be better. That's all the advice I have.

Postby **Razgriz** » Sun Oct 19, 2003 5:40 pm

Not bad.

Postby **Heaven's Cloud** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 5:04 am

Pete and repeat were on a boat, pete fell off, who was left?

Postby **uc pseudonym** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 5:10 am

Sigh...

Here's my personal favorite one liner:
"People say I have a short term

Postby **Heaven's Cloud** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 5:17 am

This guy works at this office everyday of his life. He works at the top floor. He takes the elivator to the 50th floor and walks the rest of the way. Why does he do this.

Postby **Shao Feng-Li** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 7:06 pm

*oro*

Postby **Mithrandir** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 8:31 pm

HC: He's too short to reach the button for his floor?

My favorite one along these lines is...

How do you get a 1-armed dumb guy out of a tree?

a: wave.

Postby **Straylight** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 7:33 am

This guy works at this office everyday of his life. He works at the top floor. He takes the elivator to the 50th floor and walks the rest of the way. Why does he do this.

The 50th floor is at the top?

Postby **Ashley** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 7:53 am

Here's one for you, OldPhil:
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street? One of them was assaulted!

Postby **uc pseudonym** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 9:38 am

That's a groaner. While we're at it, here's a classic that you've probably seen before:

Did you hear about the math teacher who was arrested at the airport? The police believe he is a member of the feared Al Gebra organization. They're holding him in custody on the charge of having weapons of math instruction.

Postby **Mimichan** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 4:48 pm

ONe of my mom's Cheesy favorites:

What do you call a fish with two knees?
a: A Two-Knee fish...

get it? get it? ...A Two...Knee..fish..?? *slaps knee*
Har har har...*ahem*

To Write Love on Her Arms · Postby **ZiP** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 5:16 pm

Hahahaha I guess?

Postby **Heaven's Cloud** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 6:35 pm

lol. That one was pretty funny. Here's a mama joke:

Your mama's so fat, she sat on the rainbow and skittles came out.

Your mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she literily sits around the house.

Your Mama's so fat last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.

There's aren't inteneded to anyone, just some jokes. Heh.

Postby **Michael** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 7:02 pm

Two cannibles were eating a clown. One said to the other, ''Does this taste funny to you?''

Wanna count the lost brain cells? 1, 01,....

Postby **Mithrandir** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 12:32 pm

*looks at ash.*
*blinks*
*looks around. Listens to the crickets.*
<.<

>.>

Moving right along...

the comedic timing could be better

That's one of the main problems I have with telling jokes online... You never know WHEN the 'speaker' was going to inflect, etc. You have to show where the inflection is. For example, can you find the pun below (after I add the empasis)...

Around 2000 years ago there were a group of shepherds standing around in their field. They were astounded to find a group of angles appear before them! They feel to their feet in dismay, afterall their flocks were tended!

Postby **Technomancer** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 1:01 pm

Puns are for children, not groan-ups.

Postby **Mithrandir** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 1:23 pm

Well, TM, that does seem to conter the statement I made above quite throroughly, eh?

TuchÃ©!

Postby **Shao Feng-Li** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 5:49 pm

<Your mama's so fat, she sat on the rainbow and skittles came out.>
Thats the best one

Postby **Straylight** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 7:13 pm

Why should you never date a mentally retarded dwarf?

It's not big and it's not clever.

Postby **Mithrandir** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 7:56 pm

I still don't see an answer to my shepherds joke. Any takers?

Postby **uc pseudonym** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 5:43 am

Um... ha ha?

Postby **Technomancer** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 6:44 am

I once read about a two headed man. Ever since childhood, the two heads couldn't get along. One was a nightowl, the other wanted to go to bed early, one liked classical music, the other liked rap, and so on. They would argue constantly about clothes, travelling, work, or just daily living. Eventually, they decided they'd had enough and were going to settle the matter once and for all- with a duel. They went out into a field, and each of their seconds handed them a pistol. After counting off they fired. The left head was quicker, and won the duel. However, since they shared the same body, he quickly perished anyways.

This only goes to show: Two heads are bitter, then none.

Postby **uc pseudonym** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 8:23 am

Hoo! There's practically a genre of joke that boils down to an extremely long set up for a stupid pun. I love them. Here's the only one I have time for:

Once upon a time, a kitten was born. Tragically, it was born as only a head. No body, limbs or tail, just a head. That makes it pretty unhappy, as it can only bounce in any direction, and that's pretty tiring. One night, the kitten prays very hard for a body. The next day when it wakes up, it has one... and no legs. Now he can roll. So, the next night, he prays for legs. Sure enough, in the morning he has some. Unfortunately, without his tail for balance, he repeatedly falls flat on his face. Thus, the next night a tail is the prayer request. In the morning he can finally walk normally. Incredibly happy, the kitten rushes out to play with the other cats and is promptly run over by a car.
Moral: Stop while you're a head.

Postby **Mithrandir** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 8:36 am

There was a major meterological convention in town, and Robert was rarin' to go! He told his wife all about it. He was going to be presenting his latest research on precipitation. After spending hours and hours on it, he found out that the famous russian Rudolph Vali would also be presenting. He was quite certain that he could be able to present better and win the 'most bestest presentation' award, but worked even harded to ensure his was the best. He slaved away, and when the big day came he was certain his would win. He gave a dynamic powerpoint presentation, complete with video & audio that was so well made it dazzled the audience swoon. The the russian gave his report. It was delivered monotone with no visual aids at all. When the awards were passed out Robert was dumbfounded to discover that he HAD NOT WON! The russian instead received the award. He was LIVID. He went home in bitter disgust. And to make it worse, his wife wouldn't even take his side. When he complained that the russian only had research, she shook her head sadly and said, "Rudolph, the red, knows rain, dear."

Postby **Mithrandir** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 8:39 am

Crossing jokes...

What do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic?
[spoiler="answer"]About 1/2 way![/spoiler]

What do you get when you cross a rinocerous with a elephant?
[spoiler="answer"]Elifino![/spoiler]

What do you get when you cross an optomotrist with an elephant?
[spoiler="answer"]Elificare![/spoiler]

Postby **Straylight** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 9:13 am

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss".

God then adds -

"Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"TWENTY DECKS!", screams Noah, "TWENTY DECKS! ... Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with animals just
like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to
fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah, stunned. "FISH?"

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want wall to wall, floor to ceiling - CARP!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right. You want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether

"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a .... Multi-Storey Carp Ark !!!"

Postby **Mithrandir** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 2:57 pm

Multi-Storey Carp Ark

What's a Car Park? Is that a brittish thing...?

I'm all confused...

Postby **TheMelodyMaker** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 8:25 pm

Think "parking lot". ^_~

Postby **Ashley** » Mon Oct 27, 2003 8:36 pm

So what have we learned?
1. The brits call God "me old mucker"
2. The brits also call God "me old supreme being"
3. God and Noah are either Australian or British, we can't tell for sure.
4. No one here gets british humor very well

Geez, with jokes like that, it's a miracle the brits are even around. I'm suprised there's not a perpetual dark cloud over that island, waiting for someone to tell that joke...

Jokes! He he...

Jokes! He he...

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