A Raven's Tears

[Kawaiikneko]

Cree tensed her back as her mind anticipated the blow and the addition to the scars on her back. The lash came down and bit into her bare skin leaving a red strip behind in its absence. She winced, but dug her claws into the wooden floor and strained her back against the next blow. With it came more burning pain.

She wouldn’t cry out. Not this early. She wouldn’t cry out. No physical lashing could be worse than her father’s verbal abuse, nothing.
Tears were swimming in her eyes, collecting about the bottom lid. Another searing lash and the whip bit into her calves now. She nearly bit her tongue at the sudden pain. With determination, she sunk her fangs into her bottom lip to distract from the snap of the whip.

Finally she could take no more. A small squeak escaped her lips and her arms collapsed beneath her. Her body fell to the ground like a rag doll, lying unmoving. Soon it would be over and the stinging would leave.

~*~

Cree winced as the fabric of her shirt brushed against her back, still suffering from the lashing she had received. Gritting her teeth against the pain, she continued sweeping the debris from the floor of the half burnt building under the watchful glare of the shopkeeper. She offered a sheepish – and what she hoped looked friendly – smile. He responded by turning around and checking what was left of the stock for what must have been the twentieth time.

Cree didn’t blame him. After all, who would automatically like and trust someone who had blown off half your store and house. If only I could control my powers like normal people do with mir, she thought for a second. At the same time she didn’t know if it was right to be using demonic powers like that.

After six hours of working, the man finally nodded at her to leave and she straggled out of the store. Her walk home was of a tired gait even as she passed the shop window that, as always, caught her eye. Despite her sore limbs she stumbled over to the window and stared longingly at the dress hanging delicately on the mannequin.

To some the gown may have seemed a bit dark, a little like apparel one would wear to a funeral, or pointedly too simplistic, but for some reason it appealed to Cree’s taste. The neckline of the gown dipped low, but from the base of the neck to the elegantly flared sleeve ends was a finely woven net of black lace. Cree could imagine the feeling of the bodice tight against her stomach, then the gown flaring out in loose folds of the soft black fabric around her legs. She could envision herself twirling gracefully around the dancers on the floor; she could even see herself returning back to Aethiel and taking his hand. She would smile up at him before he would hold her hand up and they would spin away again…

A girlish giggle passed her lips as the shopkeeper stuck her head out the door, requesting she buy whatever she was looking at or stop making breath marks on her window. Cree could catch the underlying fear in the woman’s voice, so she simply nodded and walked away.

~*~

By the time Cree had reached her room she barely wanted to stand. She toppled onto her sleeping mat, wasting no energy on retrieving the pillow roll from behind her changing screen. Her grimy hand groped lazily under the mat for the hole that held her precious book, and when she had it in her grasp she slid it out. Even with her limbs aching with exhaustion, she turned to where she had left off, said a quick prayer that the Creator would give her wisdom as she read and that He would supply just the message He wanted her to hear, and then proceeded with her daily reading. So engrossed was Cree in her reading – and drained of energy as she was – that she didn’t notice the creak of the floorboards in the hall and then the noise of her door until it was too late.

Cree’s head snapped up as the young priestess apprentice from Faalen stopped suddenly in the doorway, her face the very picture of shock. She took a tentative step forward and opened her mouth – probably to proclaim some form of fire and brimstone on the fallen’s child – but Cree was faster. For a few seconds her tired body was forgotten and she jumped up with a speed rivaled by few her age. Before the young priestess knew it, Cree had pulled her hands behind her back, shoved her quietly, yet forcefully, against the wall, and nudged the door shut with her foot.

“Don’t you dare say a word about this,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

The elf rubbed her arm, looking shyly at the floor. “I won’t,â€

[true_noir_chloe]

Great addition, Kawaiikneko. ^________^

I have to ask, because I was confused, who was whipping Cree at the beginning of this installment? Was it her aunt? I couldn't find where it was mentioned.

Also, is this going to be a total fantasy world? Because if it is you might want to change the term of the followers of the Creator to something other than Christian. Otherwise, I'm guessing you will somehow make the text she is reading the true Bible and the fact there was a Savior named Jesus Christ. However, I'm thinking with your calling the text a different name "The Holy Writings," and you make references to who they follow as "The Great Creator" that you might want to change what they call themselves. I mean, rather than Christians, maybe "followers" or "believers," or something more generic. That's my two cents on that, and of course, it is your story. It's just when I write a fantastical world, everything is fantastical. This is just something for you to consider.

Now, I just love Thatia. Your dialogue between the two was really well done. There were a few sections that had unnecessary words, but you'll probably take care of that later in edits.

I also loved how you built up the desire Cree had in reading the Holy Writings and her fear of being caught and having it taken away from her. That was just a really smart section. ^_____^

Really great stuff, Kawaii! *thumbs way up*

[Kawaiikneko]

well it'll be more explained in my other story, but its an alternate universe type of thing that includes earth and Christianity. Because Gwaedh is a world made up of many different world cultures, there were many different languages and therefore names for the Creator God Yaweh... to avoid confusion, it was decided that the gwaedhean word for creator be used. Its like how we call God, God, instead of Yaweh or Jehova or the whole many other hebrew names for Him. So the followers of God are still called Christians ^^ Likewise, the Holy Writings is the Bible as well as some historical books from each of the worlds (like the old testament... or rather more like Genesis of the old testament b/c God only talked to a chosen few in the nations besides Israel).

I'm not really sure who's whipping Cree... I'd assume its a servant Guess I figured it wasn't that important. I could add it in if you feel like it has to be there.

Thanks! I'm glad you like Thatia... she's likable

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, nice cool new characters, do more, do more! I can't wait till the end, and by the way, True_Noir_Chloe, I'm not advertising really, just, well, nevermind, but in any event, I've already had alot of threads to the series. Kawaookneko, your story plot and this story is very good. I haven't seen something this good in a long time. Your grammer will get better as you write more ( mine's not too bad, but still, when you are writing, it does pay to have an editor nearby., like Chloe here!!

[true_noir_chloe]

Please, starwarsboy, don't take offense on what I wrote; my comment on your advertising was done half-heartedly. *hehe* I just noticed you place your link on quite a few places and thought it was funny. I can understand you being excited about your own work.

Anyway, thanks for clarifying Kawaii. ^___^

I could add it in if you feel like it has to be there.

Yes please, I would like to know. It's like a dangling participle - it's not - but, in that I have no reference to envision what is going on with Cree. Remember to always show, not just tell. And, when I read that I could not see the scene at all. It was like her being beaten in mid-air with no one else around. Sorry, I'm so picky. ^_^;;

[starwarsboy90]

Actually, I've done enough advertising as it is. Anyways if there is one character you absolutly love to hate in this story, it's Cree's father. Grrr, he's worse then Draconis ever was. I hope an Angel or even Cree kills him!

[Kawaiikneko]

lol there won't be any angel/demon fighting in my story...
as for killing demons, that doesn't exactly happen in my little AU... You see, they can materialize, but when you kill the body of the demon its spirit just recooperates in the spiritual realm for awhile before it can appear in the physical world again. I think I mentioned earlier that to the demons in my story, doing anything physically is more of a leisure time to them. Their real work is spritual. The winged ones are supposed to keep the peace, so in a way they're like moniters. They can kill a demon's body when it gets out of hand, but they can't stop them permenently. Also, its impossible for a normal person to kill a demon (without God's intervention of course). Winged ones have a special ability that allows them to hold the demons in their physical form so they can be killed. Otherwise the demons just disappear and appear again in a new, healed, body.
I hope that made sense... i typed it fast b/c i need to get ready for youth group

[starwarsboy90]

Ok, that makes alot more sense! Have fun at Youth Group!

[Kaori]

I like the developments in this section; the new friendship between Cree and Thatia is definitely a good addition. In particular, I thought you handled the dialogue fairly well, and your characterization continues to be strong. I, too, find myself liking Thatia.

I have to ask, because I was confused, who was whipping Cree at the beginning of this installment? Was it her aunt? I couldn't find where it was mentioned.

I also was confused at this point. In addition to not knowing who was the one whipping Cree, I also was wondering what the occasion for the punishment was--did she do something new that deserved punishment, or was it for the destruction she caused in the town? If it is the latter, is there any reason that the whipping occurred at this particular point in the story instead of sooner after the event? If you could add even a passing mention of the reason for the punishment at the beginning of this section in the story, it would be rather helpful for your readers. The same goes for the scene immediately following. Presumably, both the whipping and sweeping the shop are part of her punishment]I can’t live without that book. It… sustains me.[/quote]
This is really a very minor and specific comment, but the word "sustains" sounds to me like the kind of word that only people [in real life] who attend church regularly would use; it simply is not something one often hears in casual conversation, unless both people in the conversation happen to be Christians. Since Cree does not seem to have had any real fellowship with other believers ("fellowship" itself is another example of religious lingo), it seems unlikely to me that she would have adopted this sort of vocabulary into her actual speech. This is not terribly important, however.

Probably my favorite element of your writing so far is its emotional realism. I have noticed this in previous chapters as well, but you frequently have nuggets of conversation or characterization that have a particular ring of truth about them, like this one:

I try to ignore him, but… it gets so hard to push aside his mocking and teasing.

Or, on a lighter note, this description of Cree's physical exhaustion is something I can often identify with:

She toppled onto her sleeping mat, wasting no energy on retrieving the pillow roll from behind her changing screen. Her grimy hand groped lazily under the mat for the hole that held her precious book

As a final note, your explanation on the nature of demons in your universe was very helpful; it at least partly clarified some elements of the story, like why Cree's father is still alive.

[Kawaiikneko]

[quote="""]
“Nonetheless, you will give a full apology to the priestess for both of your grievances and pay back anyone whose property you damaged with your own expenses or work. Your chores will be doubled since you seem to have enough time to plan to run away. I am your guardian and once you are old enough you can go to any corner of any world you wish, but at the moment I am regrettably responsible for you. You will also request a whipping from the head maid. Am I clear?â€

[Kaori]

Obviously, I had forgotten about that passage; I apologize for the oversight.

As a substitute for "sustained," "helps" is the only synonym that immediately comes to mind, although the phrase "keeps me going" might serve as a more colloqial substitute ("helps" is not a terribly exciting alternative). It might be possible to express the same sentiments in a different way if you are not particularly attached to the structure of the phrase "it _______ me."

[insanewitapen]

Taryn story, silly! You were the one that gave me opinions on the name change remember =P And as I read back through the beginning of that one I can see MAJOR editting is needed >.<

*coughworkonyourfirststorytoocough*

I know~ I just getting all depressed about it right now. Like, it really isnt a good story if it is a story. Yeah. And sorry, I keep forgetting her new name. Not used to it yet.

Muwahahaaa~ Her dad...so evil~ >XDDD

[true_noir_chloe]

Great comments by Kaori. I don't know if I agreed totally with him on his - I hate to say complaint, because it wasn't - but, on his comment of the word "sustained." I think it could be used in every day language, especially if she is in a town of pious people and had been around her aunt.

To me it doesn't sound like a quote in quote "Christian" word. I don't really know any synonyms for it (that I can think of at the moment).

The only synonym I could think of, on top of what Kaori suggested, was "it... it is a comfort" You can maybe mention it reminds her of her mother. I don't know, but maybe this would help.

I'm sure we're all just confusing you more than anything. There are too many hands in the baking process. ^_____^;;

*waits patiently for next installment*

[Kawaiikneko]

I agree with you about the word sustained tnc... but comfort! that's a good word too. I think that might actually fit Cree's dialogue better. So if I decide to change it everyone wins! ^^ Although it doesn't have exactly the same meaning, i guess its just as good.

[Kawaiikneko]

“Yes, Cree, you may sit down,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

“You got it!â€

[Kaori]

I agree with you about the word sustained tnc... but comfort! that's a good word too.

My comment was a rather anal one anyways, and not terribly important. You needn't feel obliged to change anything for my sake, although I appreciate the consideration (this goes for any of my criticisms).

First of all, your description of the sitting room in the beginning of this section is truly beautiful writing. I think all of these paragraphs are generally strong, so it is difficult to even choose which parts are the best, but in general the strongest sentences are the ones that are most specific in their descriptions, like these:

Colorful fringed cloths draped along the tables topped with vases filled with exotic flowers gave the room splashes of color.

…cascading flowers tumbling down around the legs.

Cree found her back tensed against the soft chair and her hands gripping the armrests as if death were running its fingers along her spine.

The description of the chairs was somewhat less effective for the simple reason that we do not know what classical Aylien models or Lythimien cloth actually look like. You do use some phrases in these paragraphs that are a bit more vague than others, like “a slightly smaller side table with a lighter amount of flowersâ€

[Kawaiikneko]

^^ The part in the sitting room I typed over christmas break while I was on vacation. While I was writing it at first I was really struggling with the words, because I had been stuck there for a long time. I had finally sat down and CONVINCED myself that I would write something, and I got a little bit down slowly. But then on the way home in the car, I finally got it. I mean, it was like a 10 hour drive, so I would hope I could think up something in that time <.<;; I'm really glad how that part came together then, so I'm glad you liked it

[starwarsboy90]

everybody wins!

[true_noir_chloe]

I again agree with Kaori, in that your description was very well-written and thought out. I actually enjoyed how you started each paragraph in the early description, with a very active sentence to initiate how Cree was feeling within the very stuffy sitting room. ^_______^ That really brought me into her mind and then also allowed me to swallow in her surroundings more easily.

Anyway, I had a comment about Phyr and Thatia's initial meeting. You write here:

[quote]Phyr smiled brightly and threw her arms wide.

“Wow!â€

[Kawaiikneko]

Ahhhh yes, smile ^___^ I have problems with that word since I tend to me smile-happy in my writing <.<;; Yes, I'll fix that heh

[Kawaiikneko]

As the day of the ball drew near, Cree assisted in preparations, though the other workers avoided her. Ever so often Phyr would sneak into the ballroom where Cree was working to provide a bit of stress to the villagers. The first time she had sneaked in Phyr had raised a platform of air mir beneath her half-nightchild friend and scared the workers spitless. After a few berating words from her friend, the lyate promised to avoid such jokes until after the banquet.

Now Phyr was content to walk next to Cree as she set seating cushions in their proper places. In her great aunt’s ballroom there was a grand banquet table. With the table top at floor level and the seating area two feet below the floor, the job was becoming quite an arduous task for Cree. As she shuffled along the side of the pit, other workers gave the pait a wide berth. Feeling a bit out of place, Cree struck up a conversation with Phyr.

“So, have you gotten a dress yet?â€

[Kawaiikneko]

The crowd shifted as a small figure made her way towards Cree. As Phyr squeezed between a couple, she waved enthusiastically at her friend. The young lyate scampered over, schooling her face to remain emotionless. Cree looked at her outfit in amazement. Phyr was wearing the classic Saertithian garb of a calf-length skirt over baggy, oversized pants. The loose shirt fell long over her hands, as was the style, and little bows were sewn into the hem of her skirt.

“May I have the honor of relaxing in your home?â€

[Kawaiikneko]

“I… I’m sorry,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

^^ There we go~ I finally updated. Sorry for being so lazy >.>

Also, this is not far from where I'm typing at the moment... and I have a bit of a writer's block. On top of that I'm a rather slow writer, so I probably won't be posting soon... HOWEVER after I get past this one part I'm stuck on I think I'll be home free cause I KNOW what I'm gonna do after that *grin*

[Felix]

Yay! This is awesome! I love how you write! And I'm sorry you have writer's block! ;_; I hope you can post more soon!

[true_noir_chloe]

Great, an update!!! ^___^

I can't read this now, but I will read it later this weekend. I am looking forward to it. *o*/

On another note, I love your "L" avatar.

[Kawaiikneko]

O_O I love L! \*o*/

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, this story is just getting better and better. I can't wait for the next chapter!