"Silver Wings"

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

No problem Lost! Glad to be of service! I enjoy editing and although I have dyslexia and therefore have problems with language, I adore reading and writing stories. So I'm sorry if I don't pick up on some bits.
That new sprinkles example is much better! You're writing is improving a lot, so well done!

One thing I've noticed is if Draqon has paper-thin wings they would tear under the tremendous pressure of the waterfall spray. Keep that in mind.
Also when writing dialogue (which I still write too wooden) you don't always have to write "said Character" or "Character trembled" as your reader should be able to determine who is talking by what is being said.

eg.

"Hi, Mathlu. How've you been?," said Toolan.
"Yeah, alright thanks. You?"
"Not bad. You been down to Old Man's Mill before?"
"Nah."
"Want ta come?"
"Okay," replied Mathlu and they departed.

(Okay, its a bad example (shoddy names and wooden dialogue) but I hope you get what I'm trying to say).



Draqon was wading in the stream beneath the waterfall. As Kaylin approached he stretched his wings and yawned displaying diamond like teeth with razor sharp edges; his abalone coloured scales glittered in the afternoon sun.

“What’s wrong Kaylin?â€

[LostChild]

One thing I've noticed is if Draqon has paper-thin wings they would tear under the tremendous pressure of the waterfall spray. Keep that in mind.
Also when writing dialogue (which I still write too wooden) you don't always have to write "said Character" or "Character trembled" as your reader should be able to determine who is talking by what is being said.

okay, ya. i get the whole dialoge thing now, thanx. but aren't you still supposed to put "character said" when there's three or more present? that's how i understood it. i am trying to stop doing that with just two characters, and there is a difference in that as i go. right now i'm just too lazy to rewrite the dialoge and stuff in the begining; but i do know it needs to get done. ^_^

about a dragon's paper-thin wings, i should clarify that though they look weak, they're actually imensely strong. does that help? i'll go and edit that right now in my notes. thank you!

[Photosoph]

Heh heh heh... *unsubscribes and goes into hiding*

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Good stuff! Um.. Photosoph unsubscribe? Why? Any more parts to come Lost?

[Photosoph]

writers block! that's what it was called. i'm a dunce, don't mind me. thanx for those suggestions, i'll have to try 'em. but if i do, then don't be mad if nothing is added for a few months. then i'll blame it on Photosoph, and everyone will be mad at you and not me. nah, jk.

Lol, that's why. ^_^ Yeah, there's more, right? *grows huge puppy-dog eyes*

[LostChild]

yes, there's more. at least until the begining of the 5th chapter. i haven't even posted the second, have i? O_O don't worry, we'll get there soon enough. i was actually just working on the 5th chapter right now. but i'll let ya'll wonder what's gonna happen for just a few more minutes. i'll type up what i'm writing right now, and then post some more. be good! ^_^

[LostChild]

i don't know if any of ya caught this, but i'm actually posting this the same way it is on my computer, like in sections. i'm trying to make it so that it isn't hard to remember what's happening. does that make sense? i don't know if it did. if not, forget i said that.

Albekcc felt ashamed of speaking to his daughter in the manner that he did. The sun had started to grow red by the time he left the balcony. He thought that Kaylin might have gone to the garden to try and ease her mind.

The stars were smiling their bright faces over the earth by the time Albekcc found Draqon cradling Kaylin by the stream.

“She feels as though you haven’t been listening to her requests for her coming of age,â€

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Does this help any?


Albekcc felt ashamed. He shouldn't have spoken to her in that manner. The sun had started to glow red by the time he left the balcony. Kaylin may have gone to the garden to try and ease her mind.

The stars were smiling their bright faces over the earth by the time Albekcc found Draqon cradling Kaylin by the stream.

Draqon saw Albekcc’s unspoken mind questioning why she stormed off earlier that afternoon. “She feels as though you haven’t been listening to her coming of age requests."
“You know,â€

[Anna Mae]

Interesting.

[Esoteric]

Just curious...why doesn't Albekcc's dragon have a name? Assuming there are lots of dragons around, I'm thinking it would get confusing if two dragons were present and one was simply called...dragon.

[LostChild]

DRAQON [dra-con]. i know, in lower case it looks like a G, but its a Q. my Q's tails wrap around the opposite ways the G's do when i'm writing, and i have a different for Word and Publisher. interestingly, here, they're all similar. ^_^ but i understand the confusion.

[Photosoph]

More great writing! Keep it up. I'm too tired right now to comment in detail *head falls onto keyboard* asdghkpaigavalkhdspguh.... *gack...*

[LostChild]

u r tired? well, i take it by your profile thingie under your avater "kiwilalnd", you're in austrailia, or new zealand, am i right, or way off in my rekoning? if that's the case, i totally understand. what r u doing up?! go to bed! ^_^

if not, y r u tired...?

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Kiwiland is New Zealand, Koalaland is Australia.
Lost, I noticed the dragon was spelt draqon and I thought it was a spelling mistake. Then I had the brainwave that the dragon's name was "Draqon." duh

[LostChild]

well, i guessed that one 50/50. but hea, ya learn something new everyday, right? ^_^

don't worry 'bout the name thing, everyone else that's read it said the same thing. i think i'll be getting a lot of that.... anywayz, here's s'more when anyone's ready.



“Shhh,â€

[Anna Mae]

Hmm... I ponder what might happen in the months to come.

[Photosoph]

Very cool!

Yup, I'm in NZ. I was tired since I'd had a late-ish night and had done a lot of study . But I'm feeling heaps better after a good night's sleep!

[LostChild]

well that's good news! i soooo wanna go to NZ! i don't care what he says, but whoever the guy is that i marry, he's taking me to NZ for our honeymoon! i already voted, he lost. ^_^

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I want to go to New Zealand too! Badly! Besides NZ is closer to Australia, then to Gondor. Sorry.

Good job, keep up the good work!


“Shhh,â€

[Esoteric]

Draqon with a Q? Oh. Well, it's still confusing. But it's because of the font so it's not your fault. Chapter one is looking good!

[SorasOathkeeper]

I'm lucky, i all ready know what happnes in chapters ahead of this, i feal happy!^^

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

How? Are you like sisters or something?

[LostChild]

no, she's my mom's friend's daughter. confusing, i know. well, that's how we met; through our moms' work. now don't you go and spoil anything sora! or i shall have to badly maim you! *grabs Anduril, and has a meanicing light in eyes* don't mess with me! nah, i won't kill you, just badly maim. ^_^

anywayz... thank ya! i think i'll let ya'll wait a while for the begining of the next chapter. hehehe! nah! i'm not that mean. ^_^ i'll post s'more tomorrow before i leave for my MRI.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Oh, okay. Cool. Is tommorrow your tommorrow, or my tommorrow? Because my tommorrow would be your today, I think.

[LostChild]

tomorrow is my tomomorrw; i think... i think you'll be asleep. ^_^ when its 12 noon here (california), its 12 mindnite there; isn't it? or am i thinking of something freakishly weird? i could post right now if ya want me to. ^_^

[Photosoph]

Lol *is confused but vaguely understands* argh all those timezone thingies... I have the feeling that NZ is about 24 hours behind some places in America, so maybe when it's 12 am where you live, it's 12 am tomorrow where I live. O_O

Hmm... if you're coming to NZ, go to the South Island. I live in the North Island, which is where Auckland and Wellington are... the two big cities. Hmm... we kinda over-balance the population as well. I think it's about 3/4 of the pop. that lives in the North Island of NZ... Anyway, the North Island seems pretty boring to me; but in the South they've got cool glaciers, beautiful mountains, skiing, etc. North Island... it's pretty much grass. And trees. And the occassional mountain. Also the sea, with many tiny islands off the coast. But the South Island is really pretty. ^_^

[LostChild]

[I]i wanna go to both. Wellington is where the editing and digital affects stuff was done for The Lord of the Rings; so i wouldn't mind seeing some of those cities. but i wanna go to the south island becuase of the natural beauty and stuff like that. i've never gone skiing before, but if i ever do, i would love for my first time to be one of those mountains. *sighs. pictures self going down one of the slopes* ya, i think i could give it a try. ^_^

anywayz, here's the begining of chapter 2, not a whole lot, but there ya go!:

Chapter 2: Thoughts

As time went by, plans were made for the celebration of Kaylin’s coming of age. It was finally decided that Limbar, Kaylin’s cousin, would take her up to Mongrid in search for the dragon egg. It was March and Kaylin’s celebration was in Nados, about 10 months away, and Albekcc was still trying to decipher what it was that Kaylin wanted.

To tell the truth, Kaylin still wasn’t sure what it was that she wanted. She couldn’t wait for her own dragon, but she was going to receive one anyway. She longed to have her mother back, but she knew that that dream would never come true.

The day drew nearer when Limbar would set off leading Kaylin to Mongrid. Caravans of dwarves and foreign elves came day after day, week after week. The wagons, and carts were decorated with brightly colored ribbons and flowers. The great horses that labored and pulled the caravan along all seemed to come from the same region. Indeed many of them were foaled from the plains of Rhyhim. All of them carried spices, precious metals, fabrics, furniture, gifts from far-off friends and family, fireworks, and decorations.

Limbar started to teach Kaylin what sort of things she needed to know about dragon; what color dragon would affect her relationship status, what abilities different dragons had, how to take care of a dragon, how to ride a dragon with and without a saddle, and so on. Most of the time Draqon was around to help show Kaylin different things, or when Draqon was occupied in a different matter, Gillias, Limbar’s rust-red, sapphire-toothed dragon was around to help. Sometimes both dragons would be helping.

[Anna Mae]

All of them carried spices, precious metals, fabrics, furniture, gifts from far-off friends and family, fireworks, and decorations.

For a second I thought that some of the gifts were from fireworks and decorations. You might want to make that a little bit more clear (i.e. "All of them carried spices, precious metals, farics, furniture, fireworks, decorations, and gifts from far-off friends").

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Chapter 2: Thoughts

As time went by, plans were made for the celebration of Kaylin’s coming of age. It was finally decided that Limbar, Kaylin’s cousin, would take her up to Mongrid in search for the dragon egg. It was March and Kaylin’s celebration was in Nados, about 10 months away, and Albekcc was still trying to decipher what it was that Kaylin wanted.

To tell the truth, Kaylin still wasn’t sure what it was that she wanted. She couldn’t wait for her own dragon, but she was going to receive one anyway. She longed to have her mother back, but she knew that that dream would never come true.

The day drew nearer when Limbar would set off leading Kaylin to Mongrid. Caravans of dwarves and foreign elves came day after day, week after week. The wagons, and carts were decorated with brightly colored ribbons and flowers. The great horses that labored and pulled the caravan along all seemed to come from the same region. Indeed many of them were foaled from the plains of Rhyhim. All of them carried spices, precious metals, farics, furniture, fireworks, decorations, and gifts from far-off friends.

Limbar began to teach Kaylin what she needed to know about dragons; what color dragon would affect her relationship status, what abilities different dragons had, how to take care of a dragon, how to ride a dragon with and without a saddle, and so on. Most of the time Draqon was around to help show Kaylin different things, or when Draqon was occupied in a different matter, Gillias, Limbar’s rust-red, sapphire-toothed dragon was around to help. Sometimes both dragons would be helping.

[Photosoph]

T'was short, but t'was good. ^_^