My First Novel

[mastersquirrel]

This isn't acually my first time attempting to write a novel. I've tried about two or three other times which I ended up not writing because I didn't like how the plot was heading.
This time, when I got the idea, I didn't write any of the story for a long time, I just kept thinking the story through and trying to come up with ideas that fit the story. I'm not done by a long shot, in fact, I've only got the first two chapters done (I went back and revised a lot, I don't know why I do that so much).
Anyway, I finally got them the way I want them (I think) and I want feed-back. Don't expect weekly updates either as I've already stated, I'm not very far along.


Chapter 1

The scene outside slid by at high speed. There wasn’t a sound other than the quiet murmur of the other passengers in the bullet train. Scott looked up from his work and glanced around. Not much was happening besides a small boy gazing intently out the train’s window. The boy stared, filled with awe at the speed at which the train traveled. He’d probably never been on one before.

The boy turned his head and their eyes met for a moment. Scott smiled and asked, “Enjoying the ride?â€

[mastersquirrel]

Part 2 of Chapter 1:


- - - - -

Scott awoke as the speaker over his head announced their arrival at his destination. He thanked the computer without thinking and strode through the open doors. He walked down the street toward the garage where his speeder was parked. He whistled a tune happily that he'd heard on the television earlier, but quickly stopped when he realized it was from an Old Navy commercial.

Right now he needed to focus on finding a job since he was done with his college career. He didn't have anything specific in mind. He was good at computer programming and would have to check the local…

The ground in front of him exploded with several blasts. Scott stopped short and looked up the street and caught site of a woman with two blasters pointed in his direction. He dove to the side as more blasts tore through the air. Scott rolled onto his feet and ran into a nearby alley-way.

Putting his back to the wall toward his assailant, Scott considered his options. He didn't know what was going on, but that didn't matter. He decided having a weapon might help somewhat. Right when he began to reach for his sword he heard a step down the alley. He looked up just in time to see a burly man raise a rocket launcher.

Scott ducked as the rocket whizzed over his head. An explosion ripped apart the small shop across the street sending shrapnel and debris everywhere. Smoke poured into the streets blocking Scott’s sight as it engulfed him. It all seemed chaotic, he tried to find something to focus on, but just saw smoke. What was going on? Why did anyone want to attack him?

Gleaming metal sliced through the smoke and Scott narrowly ducked out of the way. He brought his own sword to bear and blocked the woman's next blow. Her strokes were swift and accurate and Scott had slight problems keeping up. He was still reeling from the suddenness of it all.

Scott was being forced to back track as his assailant continued her assault. She seemed to be half-heartedly attacking him, as if she didn't expect a fight. He'd prove her wrong. With a sudden movement, Scott nearly took her legs out from under her, but she leapt up and away from him. She didn’t approach him.

He instantly realized what she’d been doing.

He turned and jumped away as the other assailant fired a rocket. It engulfed the ground where Scott had been standing and hurtled him through the air toward another sidewalk shop. Scott covered his face as he smashed head first through a large display window. He fell hard on top of a table and rolled off into the floor.

Scott shook his head and felt the pain in his left leg. It was burned and bruised, but otherwise alright. He raised his head to look out the window. The man outside quickly loaded another rocket and took aim. Scott's adrenaline was pumping and, on impulse, he slid under the table on his back placing his feet on its underside. He pushed hard, sending searing pain up and through his leg, and launched the table toward the window. It hit the frame of the window and began to fall when it was engulfed in flame and burst into pieces. Scott covered his face again and felt the stinging pain as wood pelted him.

He scrambled to his feet, quickly rushed out a back door and pressed himself against a wall to catch his breath. He gazed into the sky. Why were these people attacking him? What had he done? He looked up at the sun through the smoke as ideas stampeded through his head, most of them ridiculous, but considering what had just happened anything was...

Scott caught his breath. His eyes widened. He looked down at his wrist and his, concern was confirmed. Could it be possible? He thought a while and considered the possibilities. He headed down another alleyway to keep distance from the undoubted approach of his assailants. Was it possible? He needed a way to be sure he was right and an idea popped into his mind. It was a ridiculous idea. How could that prove anything? And what if he was wrong?

He took out his pad, but stopped. No, that wouldn’t work. He needed another computer. If he was to know the truth he had to find another computer all together. He ran down another alley trying to keep his steps as silent as possible. The pain in his leg was not as great anymore so he could move quickly. He was sure they would come looking or perhaps they’d wait for him, but that wasn’t his chief concern right now. He had to know if he was right about this.
- - - - -

End Chapter 1.

[Esoteric]

...if he was right about what?? Quite a cliff hanger there... I have no idea why looking at his wrist gave him a possible reason why two people suddenly attack him on the street.

All right, I like the opening a lot. Introducing Scott on the train with the boy is good. But I'm wondering about a society in which it's perfectly normal to wear a sword around town, particularily when one is job hunting. I know you say these bio-suits make ordinary swords and guns fairly petty weapons, but unless everyone on the street is wearing a bio-suit, someone with a sword or gun would still be a cause for disomfort. Scott doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would want to make other people uncomfortable. Perhaps you could include some more 'setting' information which makes this seems less unusual, or else have the sword in a travel bag or something.

I am also wondering about the intro of the mercenary band, Leo/Mark/Syd. It was alittle bland. You should them meeting up and give us from background, but you cut it off just before they actually 'do' anythng. Time for a new face... it's certainly an intriguing statement, but maybe alittle too ambiguous, especially since that's all we get before returning to Scott and his sudden crisis...

Perhaps your next chapter explains all of these things. If so, that's good. Chapter one creates some big questions and the reader isn't going to want to wait too long before getting them answered. Still, I like it. You've got me wanting to know more.

[mastersquirrel]

...if he was right about what?? Quite a cliff hanger there... I have no idea why looking at his wrist gave him a possible reason why two people suddenly attack him on the street.

That was the whole point. I wanted it to make you think about what just happened. I'm glad it worked.

But I'm wondering about a society in which it's perfectly normal to wear a sword around town, particularily when one is job hunting. I know you say these bio-suits make ordinary swords and guns fairly petty weapons, but unless everyone on the street is wearing a bio-suit, someone with a sword or gun would still be a cause for disomfort.

You have a good point there. I actually added the beginning part in the train at the last minute and I hadn't really thought about that. But you are right about Scott, he's not the kind of guy who tries to make people uncomfortable and I do need to add more setting. I like the travel bag idea.

I am also wondering about the intro of the mercenary band, Leo/Mark/Syd. It was a little bland. You should them meeting up and give us from background, but you cut it off just before they actually 'do' anythng.

That was intentional, there's a good reason for the lack of background story, but that comes later. If this were an actual novel the reader could just keep reading and get the rest, but as it stands...

Perhaps your next chapter explains all of these things. If so, that's good. Chapter one creates some big questions and the reader isn't going to want to wait too long before getting them answered. Still, I like it. You've got me wanting to know more.

I'm glad you liked it. I'll add more setting to the first chapter to give you a feel and I'll put the sword in a travel bag. (Makes more sense anyway)
I'll post the revision in a bit. Thanks a lot!

[mastersquirrel]

Here's the update, I only changed the first section so it'll be the only thing here:


The scene outside slid by at high speed. There wasn’t a sound other than the quiet murmur of the other passengers in the bullet train. Scott looked up from his work and glanced around. Not much was happening besides a small boy gazing intently out the train’s window. The boy stared, filled with awe at the speed at which the train traveled. He’d probably never been on one before.

The boy turned his head and their eyes met for a moment. Scott smiled and asked, “Enjoying the ride?â€

[Esoteric]

Definitely better. You say this is only your second or third attempt to write a novel? I'm impressed. The background info is a big help, and I like your idea of weaving it in by comparsion with his history classes. It does make Scott come off a bit more as a nostalgia lover, especially with his sword and all. Giving him an appreciation/knowledge of old-fashioned things will serve to set him further apart in this futuristic world of plasma blasters and quantum processors, especially if he can get some use out of this knowledge later in the story.

I think my only suggestion would be to maybe sandwich that information into a few more of the happenings on the train (ie have Scott keep noticing people or items that make him draw more comparisions) just so we don't drift through technogical expositon for too long. (right now there are four straight paragraphs of pure tech info). But it's very important info that you added.

I look forward to reading the next part tomorrow evening.

[mastersquirrel]

Thanks for your suggestions. I actually realized that I needed to put him farther ahead in the future because I wanted spaceships that traveled to other worlds entirely, but I wasn't thinking. I'll have to think about that one.
I just finished the second chapter so here go's:

Chapter 2

The man was surprised when his rocket exploded at the window instead of going in and finishing the job. He'd expected that this one would be easy, but their prey had been more agile than he and his partner had first believed. Even after the prey had been blown through a window he'd saved himself from certain death.

They needed to move quickly to get him while he was still off guard. The man signaled his partner and she ran down an alleyway with her pistols drawn. As she ran off, the man peered through the smoke. He thought it unlikely that the prey had stayed there, he was too smart for that. He’d be rushing for cover. But he’d be found. If his partner could smoke him out of the alleys the man would have a clear shot and would end this without a second thought.

- - - - -

Scott saw a person’s shadow approach. He couldn’t get caught now! Not before he’d checked this possibility. He saw a door down the alleyway and sprinted for it. The door was locked, but it was an old-fashioned lock and didn’t hold to the adrenaline laced kick Scott delivered. The door crashed open loudly and he rushed inside as the sound of running feet came from the alley behind him. He slammed the door behind him and ran inside. He was in a restaurant that looked like something out of Happy Days. There were no people inside seeing as how it was currently closed.

Scott ran toward a two-way swinging door in the back and found himself in the kitchen with an exit around a bar in front of him. He started for it, but changed his mind and rushed to a small window on the left wall. He quickly unlatched and threw it open. He pulled himself through and quickly turned and closed it tight behind him.

The latch! It was too late for details. He was in another alley, apparently next to the one he had just been in. Scott sprinted toward where he figured his previous alley had been and was glad when he rounded a corner and saw the partially dented open door. He rushed back the way he’d come, checking every door he saw on the way.

What about the man? There’d been two attackers, where was the other? He didn’t have time to worry about that. Why didn’t he just sneak to his speeder and leave? If these people had waited for him on the path he usually took home they probably knew where he lived. He checked another door.

It swung open easily. Scott’s heart jumped and he ran inside looking around frantically. It seemed to be a dentist’s office, complete with lots of hooks, needles, and knives for scraping around in plaque-infested mouths. Scott opened a nearby door and saw the waiting room and welcome desk. A lone computer sat with its blank screen on the desk.

Scott felt his heart beating in his chest. The moment of truth had come. Scott stepped behind the desk, reached down, and turned on the computer. The normal startup screen came up and the computer began to hum. The loading screen came up and a bar at the bottom showed its progress. Could he have been wrong?

Suddenly the screen showed a new scene and Scott had to stifle a laugh. He sighed and turned to leave without turning the computer off. This changed everything. He wasn’t sure who was behind this and he didn’t know if this was a good or bad thing but he knew their game now.

- - - - -

The woman grunted in frustration as she ran down the alley away from the restaurant. She’d lost the prey and he’d gone back the way they’d come from. She sprinted down the alley at top speed glancing down side alleys before she continued on. He couldn’t have gotten too far, he’d probably been injured in the explosion after her sword attack. She’d find him quickly enough.

She rounded a corner and stopped short. A door, swinging open was directly ahead and she could see the prey inside. She smiled and silently approached. She raised her pistol and viewed the target through the sights. She felt the trigger resisting beneath her finger and felt the adrenaline course through her, tasted it on her tongue. She couldn’t wait any longer, her finger applied more pressure and a flash erupted from the pistol.

- - - - -

[mastersquirrel]

Chapter 2 (continued)

- - - - -
- - - - -

Scott had just taken a step when the high-pitched blast broke the still air. He ran. He ran into the waiting room and slammed into the entrance shoulder-first. Pain shot up his arm and through his body. This wasn’t an old lock for sure. His legs wavered but he reached out with his other hand and caught himself. He looked at his pained arm and saw that the sleeve had a dark hole with burned edges. He saw his burned skin beneath.

He’d been shot.

The other door burst open as the woman rushed through. Scott was already moving and he barreled through the exit door on the other side of the room. He ran on. Scott dodged to one side, anticipating a blast and was pleased to hear another blast which streaked into the wall down the hall. He ran out the open door and sprinted down the alley.

There had to be a way out. He didn’t know why they were doing this but he had to win this game. Laser flew over his shoulder and he quickly ran down a side alley. He noticed that smoke was streaming into the sky from the fire still raging in the store down…

There it was; his way to win. He skidded to a stop and bolted back the way he’d come. He drew his sword and brought it to bear as he bore down on the corner. The next moment, the woman came around the corner. Her eyes widened and she twisted herself away from the stabbing motion. Scott took advantage of her off balance move and slammed his body into hers. She staggered out of his sight and he heard a thump as he rounded the corner, sheathed his blade, and sprinted toward a large garbage bin.

- - - - -

She hadn’t expected the sudden change in tactics and had been caught off guard. She scrambled back to her feet. She quickly scooped up the blaster she’d dropped and ran around the corner. At first she didn’t see him, but, upon hearing a clatter, she saw him clambering up a fire escape to the roofs. He’d jumped off of a garbage bin. She lifted her blasters and fired.

- - - - -

The man heard blasts coming from the alleys and made his launcher ready. He looked toward the alley the sound came from and aimed his weapon a little ahead to get a nice shot on the fleeing prey. It was finally coming to an end.

He waited, growing more anxious. The shots subsided, but he could hear his partner yelling something. He couldn’t quite understand it and he strained his ears to hear. He heard footsteps coming down the alley. His finger rested on the trigger ready to fire.

He was knocked to the ground from the side. He scrambled to his feet and caught a glimpse of his attacker.

The prey!

- - - - -

Scott quickly got up and pulled out his sword. The man sprang up quickly and swung the launcher toward Scott, but Scott thrust his sword right over the man’s hand holding the trigger. The man yelped with pain and dropped the launcher. Scott quickly ran forward and kicked the man hard in the temple. The man gave a grunt and fell to the ground motionless.

Scott turned and stepped down on the end of the launcher, standing it upright. He grabbed it and, putting his foot under it so as not to agitate his wound, lifted it up quickly to his shoulder surprised at its low weight. He grabbed it and swung it toward the alley just as the woman came out. She saw him and pointed her pistols at him.

The shots came at the same time. Scott was blown off his feet and fell backward as blasts of plasma flew inches over his chest. He landed hard and felt the wind as it was knocked out of his chest. The launcher slid away from him. He quickly scrambled up but his vision blurred. He fell to his knees from dizziness and tried desperately to focus. Finally, his vision cleared.

He looked back at the alley and saw that the far wall had been blown away and the structure had collapsed. Lying in the rubble, he saw the body of the woman, dead.

Scott kneeled there, breathing hard, head throbbing. He couldn’t come to grips with what he’d just done. But he had done it. For a while there was no sound except the fire burning.
Then, as if out of the sky, Scott heard a hum. It was a quiet hum, but it was there. Scott’s eyes widened and he smiled. He’d been right.

The hum quieted down and it was back to just the fire. There was a pause, and then, without a fuss, the world promptly began to melt and blur. And then, it went totally dark.

- - - - -

[mastersquirrel]

Chapter 2 Continued (I made the first post too small)

- - - - -

Flat, hard floor, pressing into his cheek. Where was he? His eyes flitted open and he saw someone’s feet. What was going on?

Then he remembered.

The man rose to his feet slowly and looked at the owner of the pair of feet. The prey, Scott Anderson. And he, Zack Jones, and his partner, Alex Smith, had just failed to eliminate him.

They were standing in the training room, or holographic projection room. The room wasn’t much to look at; it wasn’t much unlike the inside of a steel cube with its slightly grey metal walls. Surprisingly, Scott didn’t seem surprised in the change of scenery. Interesting.

Maybe this one would be a good addition after all.

- - - - -

Scott was the first to speak. “Hello.â€

[Esoteric]

<drum roll....> Ah ha! So, he was looking at a watch on his wrist. This makes much more sense. All right. Suggestions.

He was in a restaurant that looked like something out of Happy Days

I broke out laughing at this sentence. Sure, it's a really fast way to describe a room if the audience has seen Happy Days, but naw, it doesn't work. Instead, have Scott note that the restaurant looked like something he'd seen in pictures or old videos from the 1950's, 1960's. Build the description from his viewpoint, not ours.

[quote]Scott nodded. “Well, when the computer comes up with a blue screen with white letters that say, ‘Everythin is okey dokey, nothing is broked’ and a several nasty holes appear in the monitor it kind of makes you wonder.â€

[Ssjjvash]

Hey, cool story! At first, I wasn't interested, but then I started paying attention to the words. I was very distracted for a few minutes in the beginning.
I got kinda confused: what year is he really in?

Dude, Esoteric, are you an English major or something? I wanna know how you're able to critique his material so well!

[mastersquirrel]

<drum roll....> Ah ha! So, he was looking at a watch on his wrist. This makes much more sense. All right. Suggestions.

Yep, I didn't want to say straight off that it was a watch, so wrist it was!

I broke out laughing at this sentence. Sure, it's a really fast way to describe a room if the audience has seen Happy Days, but naw, it doesn't work. Instead, have Scott note that the restaurant looked like something he'd seen in pictures or old videos from the 1950's, 1960's. Build the description from his viewpoint, not ours.

Good point. Seeing as how he's from the future I might want to actually describe it. Maybe even have the theme in the background where he notices it, but doesn't really know what it means.

Okey dokey, two things broked' here. First, that totally doesn't sound like Scott, at least, like nothing else he's said so far. Second. What was the cause of the 'nasty holes'? I really don't understand. Did he do something to the computer? Was it a glitch he knew ocurred during simulations? I didn't make a connection.

Yeah, I realized that problem yesterday on my way home. It doesn't sound like him and I didn't explain why it happened or why Scott thought to turn on a computer in the first place. Need to fix those "nasty holes" in the plot.

This sentence comes after Scott already figures out what is 'going on', but the audience has not been enlightened yet... (one minute he's figured it out, the next he's again wondering what they want...)

Another good point. It needs to say something like "He knew what, but still had no idea why." or something like that.

If Scott figured out that it was a simulation, that his life wasn't really in any danger. Why would he be so driven to win 'the game'? He doesn't know who's done to this to him, he doesn't know why, all he know is that they've put him in a very nasty situation. Why should he cooperate once he knows it's fake? (ie, if he knows the rocket launcher isn't real, why doesn't he just stand there with a smile and dare the guy to shoot him, ending the simulation?).

Good point, but it is a lack of explanation on my part. My whole idea was that the simulation could be set to just end when Scott or the others were just defeated (not killed), but that there was also the other possibility that it could be set to where they can die, forcing him to play along. The blaster shot to the arm would've made him consider either way. I wanted Scott's reasoning to be that whoever did this would probably not let their teammates die, but there was the possibility that they wanted him really dead so he really didn't have a choice either way. Needs more explanation there.

I felt like, in order for Scott to be driven to win this cruel 'game' A: He must be super-competative and can't stand losing under any circumstances. or B: He's so angry at whoever decided to pick on him that he wants to 'pay them back' with a painful defeat.

I see what you mean. See answer above.

I think Scott's personality has to be explored and divulged a little more during this experience...it is after all, his personality and ingenuity their testing.

Yeah, as the story goes on I need to go into that more and I'm planning on it.

I could say more, but I think I've already talked your ears off for now. I hope you keep working on it after you paper's done. With some polishing, this could be a real good story!

I'm actually really appreciative that you're being candid with me (at least I think you are). And I thank you for your compliments and your suggestions. I'll take whatever help I can get (besides getting someone else to write it for me) and I thank you very much.

I got kinda confused: what year is he really in?

Haven't really decided on an exact year or anything. I'm not sure if it's better or worse that way.
I feel like this just might be the one I finish, and I'll get back on it right after March 16.

[Esoteric]

Dude, Esoteric, are you an English major or something? I wanna know how you're able to critique his material so well!

I'm flattered that you think I'm doing such a good job, Ssjjvash. I didn't major in english, but i always got As and Bs, and I've had several creative writing courses...writing is my second love, art being my first.

I'm actually really appreciative that you're being candid with me (at least I think you are). And I thank you for your compliments and your suggestions. I'll take whatever help I can get (besides getting someone else to write it for me) and I thank you very much.

Yes, I am being candid. I've been in enough critic sessions to know that it doesn't help anyone if you aren't honest in your assessments. I've also learned you have to feel out the person you're offering advice to, because some people get real defensive about their work. However, I congradulate you on your attitude. I should be thanking you. You're open and willing to consider everything that's said to you. You may eventually disagree with some suggestions you'll get, but I can tell you'd do it calmly and respectfully. You will learn fast and go far with that attitude.

As for the simulation, okay, if simulations can have the matrix'esque aspect of "you die in here, you die out there", then that would make much more sense about why he'd want to win, simply because he could assume the worst (it would be stupid to do othewise). Just make that clear and you'll be good to go. Awesome. Good luck on your school paper by the way. Ick!

[mastersquirrel]

I just realized something! I said that I needed to explain why the "nasty holes" appeared in the moniter but I failed to do so. My reasoning there was that the holographic simulation would make fake computers that wouldn't be used as real ones. As a little joke, the programmer (probably Mark or Alex) would make the computer screen display jibberish and the screen would just be suddenly destroyed.

Scott knew about the fake computer trick from his experiences with simulators and wanted to check a computer to see what the computer would do.
There, that's explained. Thanks for the wish of luck, I appreciate it. And I agree... Ick!

[mastersquirrel]

My most sincere apologies to every one who had been keeping up with this story. After the project another thing took it's place, then another, and then another, and my story took a back seat until I just didn't write in it at all! I've decided to begin working on it again, so you can look here to see what's new. I can't promise a weekly update like UC and some of the other writers, but I will get back on that horse and I will finish this story!

[Photosoph]

Great story -I've read what you've written so far and am glad you're going to continue it. I'll just read whenever you post.

[Esoteric]

My most sincere apologies to every one who had been keeping up with this story. After the project another thing took it's place, then another, and then another, and my story took a back seat until I just didn't write in it at all! I've decided to begin working on it again, so you can look here to see what's new. I can't promise a weekly update like UC and some of the other writers, but I will get back on that horse and I will finish this story!

Ah yeah, I was wondering what ever happened to this....
Well, I'll be around when the new stuff's here.

[mastersquirrel]

My apologies on being so late with this, but here's the next addition to the story.
Though this isn't the full third chapter it's the first half. The second half will hopefully join it next week.

I guess I need to add this.
Warning: This story will contain violence.

Chapter 3

Carl yawned, wider this time. This guard shift was really taking its toll. His first night guarding a specific room deep within the Intra-Galactic Intelligence Agency’s main base of operations wasn’t very eventful, and after a week of it he was beginning to feel a little rusty. He wasn’t used to this. Of course he’d had to stay still in a pitch black area before during his assignment to a covert strike group of the Galactic Army, but then there had been intense tension that hadn’t let anyone fall asleep.

Here there was absolutely no way anyone would possibly reach this point. He didn’t know what he was guarding exactly, but he knew that there were over fifty of the army’s best men guarding the halls, entrances, and exits of this, apparently, extremely important area. Carl looked at his squad leader, who was currently in the middle of his own yawn. Ted had been on duty here for much longer than Carl and he’d said that it didn’t get any better. Ted’s skin was beginning to pale and his eyes were in a perpetual droop. Carl still didn’t understand why they couldn’t have a lot of light down here. Maybe it was so that no one could try to follow the power flow all the way down, but Carl figured that it’d be easy to cover that up. All six of the men in his squad looked awful.

The men upstairs must be losing it. Carl thought. What could possibly be so important that not only is it in the most secure place on the planet, but it has to be guarded by so many…

A slight tremor shook the ground. It was barely there but Carl and Ted could feel it as if it’d been an earthquake. “This is Sigma One, what on Earth was that?â€

[Esoteric]

hehe, nit-picky? I know how that is. Everytime read something I've written, I want to change it again. Um, anyway, definitely a nice exciting way to step back into the story. It was actually a good breaking point too; I didn't go back and re-read anything, but since these are new people, I didn't have to remember a whole lot. It's actually pretty well written for a first draft (i'm assuming), not many mistakes. I only caught one thing...

Carl strained his ears now. Sweat came more freely now; his undershirt was getting wet.

The second 'now' should be removed. But it's looking good so far.

[mastersquirrel]

Alright. Problem fixed. Thanks for the feedback, I was actually wondering if anyone was going to.

hehe, nit-picky? I know how that is. Everytime read something I've written, I want to change it again.

Yeah, that's my biggest problem. That and actually getting myself to sit down and write. But I always seem to want to change something. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with this affliction ]Um, anyway, definitely a nice exciting way to step back into the story. It was actually a good breaking point too; I didn't go back and re-read anything, but since these are new people, I didn't have to remember a whole lot. It's actually pretty well written for a first draft (i'm assuming), not many mistakes.[/QUOTE]
Good, I was afraid that this would be a little odd, though it will come back later. The thing is about the first draft... I revise as I'm writting as well. That's another thing that annoys me but I can't stop doing it.

Anyway, thanks for your help. The next part of this chapter will hopefully be up within the week.

[mastersquirrel]

Here's the next addition to chapter 3. Sorry it's so short and has taken so long, but I've been really busy the last few weeks and I've also had trouble getting this section to my liking.

Anyway... The story and characters of this work are copywrited by Master Squirrel of CAA.

Chapter 3 (cont.)

- - - - -

“A pilot!?â€

[Photosoph]

That's very cool! I like the way you cut quickly through the scenes; you do it well -giving enough information so that the reader isn't completely confused, but keeping in some mysteries that give the reader something to ponder and also a cause to read on. ^_^ It also keeps you from making the reader drudge through boring scenes.

I like what you've written so far -sorry that I didn't comment on the last chapter you posted before this.
I love a good sci-fi, and am enjoying this one so far.

[Esoteric]

Short and sweet... a good segway. Not much else to say right now. Keep it up!

[mastersquirrel]

Yay! More reviewers! More input! Yay!

That's very cool! I like the way you cut quickly through the scenes]
Thanks for the compliment. In fact, boring scenes is the exact reason why this update is so short. I might've had chapter 3 in its entirety to post if it hadn't been for how many times I drafted this scene. At first I had Leo introducing the team and telling him about being the pilot, but hat was boring and I still ended up with Scott discussing it with Scott. So I just cut out the Leo scene all together.

Short and sweet... a good segway. Not much else to say right now. Keep it up!

I couldn't find segway in dictionary.com so I'm assuming it kinda means filler or connection. Whatever it means, this is to keep up with what's going on with Scott and the others and give the sense that these things are happening at the same time.

I'll try hard to get the last part of chapter 3 out before the week is up, though I'm not makeing any promises because I have summer reading to finish. Don't worry, I won't leave for a several months like last time.

[Photosoph]

All right. ^_^ It will be cool to read more whenever you're ready.

[mastersquirrel]

HAHA! I was able to get some time to sit down and write over the weekend and I was able to finish chapter 3. This section is also short but that's how it's supposed to be. WARNING: There is violence in this section as has been about the whole story, just wanted to make sure everyone got the warning.

Now for the boring line: The story and characters of this work are copywrited by Master Squirrel of CAA.

Chapter 3 (cont.)

Carl watched quietly as his commander split the squad into two groups. One that would try to get in contact with HQ, and another to stay behind in case that thing returned. Carl stayed to guard, not knowing whether he was blessed or cursed with the task. The two semi-squads kept in constant contact, if only to have the reassurance of another’s voice. Carl listened absently keeping an eye on the entrances and the walls. He was more concerned with that thing.

Eventually, the other squad informed them that they’d reached a service elevator that had a separate comm. connection in case power went out and someone got stuck inside it. Soon they heard one of the squad members speaking to a security leader, who was immediately relieved that he could hear their voices. The squad leader requested assistance and the officer agreed.

That’s when Carl’s comm. system lost track of the other squad. His commander repeatedly tried to reestablish contact, but to no avail. Something was seriously wrong. “Reload weapons men. We may get company soon.â€

[Esoteric]

Segway wasn't in the dictionary?? Huh. I think thats how it's spelled.... I believe it was originally a movie term, refering to a transitionary sequence. The term has since branched out to refer to any type of transition.

Hmm, the enemy returns! Man, this thing is tough..... you only mention a few minor scuffs on the armor even after it took that direct explosive hit and retreated earlier. The lack of more damage might lead me to think this is a different armor unit... if it's not supposed to me, I might mention Carl noticing a dent or depresion somewhere on the beast from the previous blast.

The armor that the creature was wearing seemed to be extravagant bear encounter armor.

At first I read this and thought 'bear' might be a typo. Then I read about the claws and thought....okay, it's armor modeled like a bear. Then you mentioned the shark-like head and I got confused again. Since Carl is able to identify that this is 'encounter armor', perhaps you can use his knowledge to enlighten the reader about 'normal' encounter armor. And from there, point out the design differences of this ominous creature. Oh, the use of the term creature was also very thought provockative. It got me wondering if the thing inside the armor wasn't human. Did it not move like a human? Was it too big to be human?

Am I over-analyzing this? At this point, I'm not sure if the chosen words were deliberate, or simply chosen for the foreboding they envoke. I really like the sequence, it's great, right up the Carl's little surprise... I'm just not sure what to believe about this enemy from it's description....

[mastersquirrel]

No you're not over-analyzing this, I just didn't know how to describe it, I'll take out the part about bear-encounter armor because this is in the furure.

When I said "bear encounter armor" I meant that the armor looked kindof bulky like the armor some people create now-a-days to encounter bears safely with. (Don't ask me why they do it.)

I'll just say that it looks bulky. Thanks for catching that.

[mastersquirrel]

OK, read the 7th paragraph again (Whenever there is a blank space inbetween a line and the previous one I consider it a new paragraph. Even if it's only one line before the next one.)

I hope that it's easier to see now...

*updates Word document with changes*

[Esoteric]

*re-reads* Yes, that's much better.

Really??? Bear encounter armor??? You learn something new everyday!