Dark Afterlife

[Psyco]

OK better try to explain my idea (im not good at explaining things). Well first of all this is an idea that I got after a really weird dream, it eventually turned into a game idea which has been developing into a story for the last year. For some reason I cant get it out of my head at all, anyway the story:

Dark afterlife is a story that takes place in Mous city 2040. Teachnology hasnt mproved much over the past 30 years since it reached its peak in 2010.

I have made it less christian than it could be for now, though I am open to opinions but it runs off a pholosophy of heven and hell exitsing on the same planet in a different plane. This plannet, (still needs a name) is divided in half (one side heaven, one side hell). Though heven and hell arnt fighting as they are just there to keep the balance. Origonally the planet was ruled by 8 evil ones but (without getting into the story) they were defeted and imprisoned in earth.

Now in 2040 the evil ones are going to escape and there is almost nothing that Heven or hell can do to stop them. 5 people are chosen to become emendors (people who can controll the elements) and stop the evil.

Alot of deamons and crazyness I would explain more but at this time my host family just turned on the TV and I cant think...ahh URASAI!!

*10 mins later*
Alright the tv is now off.

The 5 people Steven, John, Sarah, Joan and Adam die and end up in hell, though hell is only there to keep the balance (evil people suffer) because if evil people go to heaven then being evil will be concidered good and everyone would become evil....erm yeah best not to think about that one for too long. Anyway they find out that hell is trying to stop earth from being overtaken when the evil ones escape since if they overtake earth they can overtake heven and hell.

The evil ones arnt the only bad ones as deamons start to pop up all over the city, and other places. The evil ones are after the elemential necklaces so they can transform to there powerful form, but the neacklaces are well hidden over earth and heven and hell.

During the story the emendors each get a dodrine, which is a special creature that helps the emendors kill deamons by lettign them do better attacks. (oh yeah you can tell that this is a game idea as well :p).

Thats about all, hope that didnt confuse yas too much, not to many drawings atm (or that im not embarresed to show) but hopefully this forum will get me back into drawing (I have benn kinda lazy for a month but programming) and getting this going.

Ok the characture "Steven" (early pic he has glasses because I couldnt draw eyes then) is my Avatar, was traced in flash (cant you tell), and heres a pic of triper (Stevens dodrine) with a big sword:



Also traced in flash, does anyone know any tutorials on using photoshop to make scanned in pics colored?

Thats the first time I have actually gotten the story ut of my head, it feels good. Ok comments, im open to both positive and negative.

[uc pseudonym]

Like you said, it could be more Christian. Perhaps I can give you more in-depth commentary later. However, I should mentioned the fact that you have an upsidedown pentagram in your sig. With people being as paranoid about trolls as they are right now, you might want to do something with that.

[Psyco]

Yes well I was told that upsidown ment good magic. But if its going to to get a negative response then ill take it down for now. Im still thinking of a way to make it more christian withut it becoming more sus.

Ok took down sig, ill make a new one soon.

[uc pseudonym]

I'm uncertain who told you that, but they're incorrect. You could use a star of David, I suppose. I'm really grateful for your mature dealing with this. This alone should show that you're serious.

Do you want some very serious help with this? I could do it, if you'd like.

[Psyco]

I was thinking of using the "yin yang" simbol as it represents the balance of good and evil.

Still trying to make the story a bit more christian and maybe get it out better (im not good at writing storyes im better with pictures).

The theme:
So origonally God created earth and heaven but hell was created by satin (who was an angel that wanted Gods power and tried to steal it and managed to get some). Eventually satin tried to take over heven to controll everything. But God sent the archangle Michael to kill satin with the flaming sword of judgement. satin was not destroyed but was split up into 8 evil deamons which were imprisioned in earth. Hevel (the current name for the big planet with heaven and hell on it, needs a better name) turned into half good and half evil as satin has turned alot of angels to evil.

The story:
Now 2040, the 8 deamons that were origonally satin are going to escape and it is up to 5 people to stop them. These 5 people have powers that let them controll one of the 8 elements (fire, water, wind, electricity, ice, etc..). The 8 deamons are powerless untill they get to the elemential necklaces that let them turn into there deamon form. Though the 5 people get there powers form there dodrines (creature that holds the elemential charge and flots next to the person).

Sorry for "echoing" but I think that that sounds alot better. Though the real reson that I brought it up is so I can discuss the idea and turn it into something that everyone likes so please tell me if something is wrong with the story or add your suggestion.

Thnkyou for offering help, I dont need serious help though it would be nice if you could help me get this story right.

[uc pseudonym]

Let me think. I'll get back to you on this.

[Psyco]

Ill take that as a good, "I`ll get back to you"

[uc pseudonym]

This is the complete review I promised. I'm not sure where you're going with the plot exactly, so I tried to stay free of it to avoid messing with things I don't understand. This mostly covers Christian stuff. It might help if you clarified what sort of help you exactly need.

I was thinking of using the "yin yang" simbol as it represents the balance of good and evil.

That sounds like a good idea to me, considering the heavy influence of said theological balance in your story.

The theme:
So origonally God created earth and heaven but hell was created by satin (who was an angel that wanted Gods power and tried to steal it and managed to get some).

Not to pick at straws, but it's Satan. Anyway, if you want to make this more Christian, this section is a good place to start. There's really no way Satan could steal some of God's power. However, it'd be very easy for you to make him one of the most powerful beings in Heaven, which would give him a good reason to be powerful.

You're going to run into trouble with Satan creating Hell. It strikes me that things work much better if God creates Hell in the first place for the sake of balance. That's biblical, anyway.

Eventually satin tried to take over heven to controll everything. But God sent the archangle Michael to kill satin with the flaming sword of judgement. satin was not destroyed but was split up into 8 evil deamons which were imprisioned in earth. Hevel (the current name for the big planet with heaven and hell on it, needs a better name) turned into half good and half evil as satin has turned alot of angels to evil.

But, apparently, it is good by the time the story starts? How exactly does that work? Or is there something I don't understand?

It strikes me that there's an easy way to remove a plothole and make the story slightly more Christian at the same time. Satan and flunkies are on Earth at the moment, causing problems. Hell really isn't run by them at all. Who exactly you want to have running it is your decision.

The story:
Now 2040, the 8 deamons that were origonally satin are going to escape and it is up to 5 people to stop them. These 5 people have powers that let them controll one of the 8 elements (fire, water, wind, electricity, ice, etc..). The 8 deamons are powerless untill they get to the elemential necklaces that let them turn into there deamon form. Though the 5 people get there powers form there dodrines (creature that holds the elemential charge and flots next to the person).

Sounds like a plan. Have you thought about exactly where the dodrines come from?

By the way, I have no actual artistic ability or anything to do with the actual creation of manga. When I offered help, I meant in regard to story and other such things.

So what do you think?

[Psyco]

Hmm yes plot holes im full of them. Thanks for the help.

OK yin yang it is.

There's really no way Satan could steal some of God's power. However, it'd be very easy for you to make him one of the most powerful beings in Heaven, which would give him a good reason to be powerful.

Yes that does sound much better.

You're going to run into trouble with Satan creating Hell. It strikes me that things work much better if God creates Hell in the first place for the sake of balance. That's biblical, anyway.

Hmm that would then mean that God created angels and deamons and hell and hgeaven to start off with. I dont exactly see why he would make deamons (im sure im spelling that word wrong too) but if he wernt to make deamons then hell would be a bit empty.

But, apparently, it is good by the time the story starts? How exactly does that work? Or is there something I don't understand?

Ill blame that to my bad explanation (your doing well not to get annoyed with me). Its supposed to be half good and half evil dont ask why.

Satan and flunkies are on Earth at the moment, causing problems. Hell really isn't run by them at all. Who exactly you want to have running it is your decision.

Well how does this sound: When satan was imprisoned in earth all of his followers split up. A few wars later, the stronger groups overtook most of hell and maintained controll, though the 3 strongest stil fight. So technically they were lost without there leader and started to fight for power.

Sounds like a plan. Have you thought about exactly where the dodrines come from?

Well dodrine can be good or evil. I still havent thought about where they have come from. Something for me to think about.

By the way, I have no actual artistic ability or anything to do with the actual creation of manga. When I offered help, I meant in regard to story and other such things.

Im an artist (or slowly becoming one) and a programmer. I need story help more than anything. Plot holes and spelling errors everywhere

So what do you think?

Its getting there and I guess that everyone else is too confused to post.

The big plot error that I have found is that God is all powerful so he could just stop it, need to think of a reason for God not to get in the way.

[Ashley]

I have one huge beef I have against this project: that it involves humans having "powers" to control elements in a supposedly Christian environment. That to me sounds as twisted as Evangelion and just as wrong. If you're going to have fantasy with powers and the like, ok, but don't mix God into it. That's taking things too far. I say this because you old, olllllld members of CAA may remember we had a similiar issue come up in an old message-board style RPG running and this was our stance against it.
If you still want to have these "powers" maybe you can come up with a technological way of doing it, like a control pad that can stir ions up in the clouds (rain), or accelerate atomic friction (fire) rather than having them as super-human abilities.

The big plot error that I have found is that God is all powerful so he could just stop it, need to think of a reason for God not to get in the way.

You don't have to think about this one; there's already an answer. The same reason He doesn't stop the bad things from happening in our real lives. 1--we're in a fallen state and 2--He believes in free will and choice rather than forced worship and control. That's the consensus most Christian scholars I know of have agreed upon, and my personal belief.

[Psyco]

well how about I change it a bit:

The humans dont have the powers, the dodrines do. As said before a dordrine is a creature that flots beside the person. Anyone played goldensun, think dijinn.

And if you dont like that I guess ill have to go technological *sigh*

Well at least the other problem is solved.

[uc pseudonym]

Look, someone else is actually helping! Though I never doubted you were reading, Ashley.

While I agree with Ashley's position, I think there's one thing we have to get out of the way first. Do you really intend this to be a completely Christian story? If so, it will need some work. But we already have demonic incarnations of demons, and that strikes me as destabilizing the entire concept in the first place.

How about this: in this world (because it obviously isn't the Earth we know, is it?) all humans have such abilities. It'd be wrong to have God based powers, but if it was nature based...? Also, this would give us a shot at scientific explanations for them as well.

[Ashley]

Not to play devil's advocate here, but what's the difference between nature based and God-based?

And yes, we need to decide right away if you want this to be a Christian game or a non-Christian game with "Christian undertones" (you have got to be really, really careful if you chose this path).

[uc pseudonym]

I like playing the Devil's advocate. Fun stuff.

Anyway, I'll explain the difference between nature based and God based. Say that I lift a rock. While technically that ability was given to me by God, it is pretty normal to lift rocks. My body is designed to do that. Using psychic powers to levitating the rock would be unnatural. If I claimed to pray to God to get the power to levitate the rock, I'd call that God-based. Am I more clear?

[Fsiphskilm]

unaplicable data PLEASE DELETE

[inkhana]

This is just a good rule of thumb, of course, but always be careful what info you give to people you don't know on the internet - make sure you get to know them and trust them first.

And Bouncer, I sincerely hope you aren't meaning to offer free software.

[Fsiphskilm]

out of date post, PLEASE DELETE

[Psyco]

Well was interested untill I found out that Bouncer was banned. Not usually a good thing.

Ok for now I am working on the game its going well. Sorry have been running into alot of stuff in Japan lately (am just about to go back home) so I havent been able to come here.

Since its a game idea as well I will have to stick to it being christian based with non christian themes, alot like Diablo 1 and 2 did if this is a problem for this board (you said that you had a stand aganst powers in a christian environment) then I will remove the thread so it couses no problems.

[uc pseudonym]

Oh, don't remove the thread, it still represents an honest thought process. At worst, it would be locked.

[JediSonic]

You know, I hate to be the newB who brings up all the old conversations, but....

I'm not sure I understand your viewpoint on the powers, Ashley. I mean, why is technoogy better than superhuman? Now, being an all-around techy I usually perfer sci-fi to fantasy. But, isn't what you're saying a bit like saying Batman is the most ethical superhero because he only uses gadgets and a well-built body?

[uc pseudonym]

If you will allow me, Ashley, I'll do my best to explain. Correct me if necessary.

The difference is not supernatural to technological. In a non-Christian environment (eg Batman) both of these are equal. But if we have something with a Christian core, that changes things. We really don't want to make it appear as if God grants supernatural power to launch energy blasts and the like. That's not good.

On the topic, my personal view is that if all humans have natural "supernatural" abilities, that we don't claim are from God, that's fine.

[Ashley]

UC did hit my point rather nicely. God does not create superheroes, and call me conservative, but in my eyes ANYTHING that distorts God's image is wrong. That's why I'm so anti-EVA. As for why tech is ok, well, that's giving a logical explanation for abilities that have absolutely nothing to do with a portrayal of Christ. If it's clear cut non-Christian material, that's one thing. But if you're going to have Christian elements, they need to be solid, truth-based ones, not these "well it'd be cool if it was like this" idea.

[Fsiphskilm]

I think the whole story needs re-vamping.

[JediSonic]

Oh, okay, I see your point now : ) You just mean that, out of respect, we don't want to say "this is what god would do" unless it's standard, Christian beleif?

[Fsiphskilm]

Yin Yang!!!

[uc pseudonym]

Ying Yangs aren't that evil. Decidedly not Christian, and subscribing to other philosophies, but I wouldn't call them evil. Besides, it fits with how he's written the story so far (balance and all that, except this isn't a balance between good and evil).

But I think the creator chose to discontinue this discussion.