Anybody suffer from being a "People Pleaser?"

[P_Metheny]

I'm sure a lot of you guys have been to a point where you feel like you need to please other people to make yourself happy.

Picture this: You work hard to do something for another person and you pretty much go out of your way to make them happy. In your head you know that they'll like you if you try to meet their needs or feel that you have to impress them. And you picture yourself being happy because they'll accept you afterwards...

Of course learning from the real world, it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes people will not show the slightest appreciation for what you do, or they pass off your work as something that can be done better by anybody. And you feel depressed because you work so hard on something that you thought will make people like you (which is the only thing that ensures your happiness.)

I'm not sure if this is because one has a lack of self-esteem or just someone with an ego, but being a people pleaser is definately not that kind of life one should live. It will make the person focus on others and not on their own personal needs.

I myself have had a horrible tendancy to please others, in the sense that by impressing others, I will be more respected as an individual. Though I've learned that it's better to please God than the world (as God is always "consistant" with His feelings towards you.)

Can anybody relate to being a people-pleaser?

[SonicRose]

Yes.... I've done that far too many times, wanting attention for doing someything good. Definitely doesn't work out, maybe temporarily but...

We're supposed to have a servant's heart, and if you do put God first as the one to Please, it'll be more satisfying in the long run.

I myself, am a very dilligent worker, but nobody seems to acknowledge that without some hint or clue... Kinda makes me feel bad, because I handle a lot of organizational projects and miscelaneous jobs that make things easier for everyone if I'd have some cooperation.. but no, noone appreciates the behind the scenes work.

[Roll]

It'd work out a lot better, I suppose, if EVERYONE did it. Rather than having to look out for ourselves, we'd all be looking out for each other. That'd be awesome. But, in this sin-cursed world, selfishness abounds, so living with others' interests over your own usually has painful results. Nonetheless, keep treating others as you would like for them to treat you. Just don't expect it.

[Jaltus-bot]

Yes, I will likely post more later.

[Debitt]

^^; One of the biggest problems I have is that i try so hard to make people happy that I tend to do things like take the blame for their wrongdoings, or make myself miserable for the sake of their happiness, though I don't think I really do it out of need for attention, (attention is scary! o.o) but more out of lack of self esteem. =/ It's something I need to work on.

[battletech]

That is just how it is at my job. I do everything I can to do my job the best I can, but it does not ever seem to be good anough for them.

[girlninja]

^^; i have the same problem alot.....it's hard i think cuz i'm so used to doing it that i can no longer distinguish between the two what is being a people pleaser or just a servant of God...

i'm very used to doing stuff for other people and i work very very very hard often taking on other's loads *not really to please them i suppose as more the fact that i feel like i have to* who knows ...i think alot of ppl souffer from this tho...

[Fsiphskilm]

I buy

[dragonshimmer]

Yes. I think this is a problem that most good, decent people have anyway.

It becomes a problem when you're so busy trying to make everyone else happy and you are absolutely miserable. You do things that make you incredibly unhappy. Although it's good to help others...you must make yourself and God happy as well.

I am currently dealing with this situation.

[Kura Ookami]

Isn't helping people to make yourself feel good, selfish? I'd say it is most definately selfish. God knows your intentions and why you're doing things. Just doing good deeds is not enough. If you do good deeds to gain things yourself then it's wrong to do those good deeds. Look to why you're doing the good things for other people. Is it so you'll gain their attention and love? If so you're doing the right things for the wrong reasons.

[Photosoph]

Yeah, I can relate. Sometimes even when I'm really tired I go out of my way to do something people don't even ask me to do just because I want to please someone -even if it ends up making me mega tired later. *shrugs* I guess it's something I'll have to learn to deal with.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Isn't helping people to make yourself feel good, selfish? I'd say it is most definately selfish. God knows your intentions and why you're doing things. Just doing good deeds is not enough. If you do good deeds to gain things yourself then it's wrong to do those good deeds. Look to why you're doing the good things for other people. Is it so you'll gain their attention and love? If so you're doing the right things for the wrong reasons.

Hes got a point there, but im sure most of us dont do it for attention, but rather out of kindness

the reward may suck now, but later it will be good

[Jeikobu]

You should always put others before yourself. But that doesn't mean that you should not consider your own needs, or be used by people. I certainly have my "people-pleaser" side, but I'd try to help and please other people to serve God.

[Swordguy]

John 14:15“If you love me, you will obey what I command.

it is like this verse alot of people think in order to love God i must obay Him. but in reallaity is the Love that you have for Him that will cause you to want to obay Him not the other way around.

also this verse 43“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?

but yet it is only God who can...and only thru His love that we can....

[P_Metheny]

I guess for myself, I usually get so fixated on some people's comments when they say "Oh you're wonderful" or "You do amazing work, I'm impressed." I get happy knowing other people appreciate the work that I do and I expect the same kind of feedback from EVERYONE. That rarely happens.

We get motivated or consumed by the opinions of others that we start to wonder how we can improve ourselves to be more liked and I think that's when the problem occurs.

Kura Ookami is right in that we have to know exactly what our motivation is for helping people. Is it for us to get liked by everyone or liked by God? If we are to please people, then it must be to benefit THEM and not our egos.

Of course it is pretty difficult to make such a transition.

Though it might be kind of hard for those who work in a job that requires us to be people pleasers. That includes salesman, production crews, writers... jobs that demand a good impression from others to make money.

[Fsiphskilm]

But see bei

[Mave]

I buy things for them for their birthdays... and they forget mine
I clean up after my room-mates and they don't give a #*($&@.
I hold doors open for others, who later on let the door close in my face.

And still making people happy starts a warm campfire in my heart that i can't seem to let go of, Guess i'm stuck this way.

sucks to be me

LOL! Sounds like me too! I don't know whether I would call myself a people-pleaser though since it sounds as if one who would do anything to make the crowd happy, even breaking God's command (of course, I don't think this was what you meant ). I would like to use the term people-blesser, if such a word exists. ^_^ It feels good to go the extra mile in blessing others since it's something I think Jesus would do.

[P_Metheny]

Yeah, but the thing is it's not possible to please every single person you meet in this world. As much as people here would want to, pleasing too much can lead to exhaustion and you can't really "bless" anyone when you're too worn out. That's why I figured some ME-time wouldn't hurt in gaining some energy back from helping others.

I'm just wondering if it's alright to be motivated by people's comments without it being a selfish act...