Crimson Sun Chapter One

[heero yuy 95]

Prologue: The year is 1940, winter. As Europe is torn apart by a ravaging war. A small faction known as the Ralian Imperial Army goes unnoticed due to its small size and the war. Led by the charismatic Lord Rameel, they prepare to launch a major offensive in Southern Africa. This will be the starting point for Rameel's Empire. As his empire will grow there will be those to oppose him. This is a story of action, romance, the constant battle against oppression as well as against characters' inner demons. This is Crimson Sun.

Chapter one: Enter Amy.
Amy sat alone and dejected on her dirty cot at a run-down and dilapidated orphanage in downtown New York City. Her life story was a sad one. Her mother had expired at her birth and her father died of sickness and malnutrition. She was a pretty 15-year-old girl with shoulder-length blonde hair. She wore a traditional blue and white schoolgirl uniform with a macthing pair of white boots and gloves. "There's no place for me here at the orphanage. Everyone's just so mean." she said to herself as she packed her few valuable possessions into a knapsack. "Tonight I'm going to leave this awful place and never come back" she said, tears now forming in her eyes. And soon enough, night came. Amy slipped out and walked off into the night. "I don't ever care to see this awful place again". Thirty miles off the coast of Manhattan, the U.S. Navy aircraft carrier Essex was on routine patrol. All hands were below deck, except one crewman. 19-year-old Saber Laflay, a new recruit stood near the edge of the deck staring off into the endless void of the Pacific Ocean. He had a wiry yet muscular build and stood at about six feet three inches. With a long head of two-toned brown hair and soft brown eyes, wearing an unbottoned army trenchcoat and matching pants, he was rather handsome. Despite his looks he was considered by his colleagues to be cold and detached. "Almost time" he muttered to himself. In a sudden flash, the deck lit ablaze with a series of explosions. Rows of F4F Wildcat fighter planes and Dauntless dive-bombers were reduced to scrap thanks to well-placed explosives. Fortunately, no one was injured considering that the explosions were superficial and did not penetrate the deck. Only one F4F Wildcat remained intact and was ready for takeoff. By the time the first sailor reached the deck, Saber was taking to the air. The sailor fired his Thompson submachine gun, but to no use. Saber was gone. The captain had found out Saber's course. He was headed straight for Manhattan. "He'll cross paths with the Battleship, Nebraska. Contact the Nebrask and have them intercept and shoot him down." the captain ordered. Saber was on his way to Manhattan. "looks like smooth sailing from here." he said. If he only knew how wrong that statement would turn out to be. Just then a flak burst exploded way too close for comfort. It slightly jolted the aircraft. It was followed by multiple others. There were also machine gun tracers, all fo which Saber was desperately trying to avoid.
He looked down to see that this barrage of antiaircraft fire was coming from a battleship."It's coming from a battleship?! Man, these guys are serious!"
Just then, a volley of machine gun fire ripped through the engine. It sputtered and died, billowing smoke and flames. The gunnery and bridge crew of the Nebraska watched as the plane rapidly descented and disappeared belo the city skyline. Saber managed to find a long alley and belly-landed his damaged aircraft. It smashed into the wall at the end of the alley. Saber, though dazed and somewhat bruised, was not seriously injured. Amy had noticed this aerial spectacle and ran to the crash site. "I hope the pilot is all right." she said, in a worried voice. She came right up to the crash and said to Saber, "are you okay?". Saber reached in his belt and pulled out his Colt revolver. He pointed it right in her face. "Tell me, what did you see? Tell Me!!" he was now yelling. Confused and scared, poor Amy just about burst into tears. "I-I j-just wanted to see if you were all right" she said, trembling. Once Saber realized that she was just a young girl, he put his gun back in his belt. "I don't shoot girls or kids." Saber said coldly. Despite his cold personality Saber was a man of integrity. He would only resort to killing as self-defense. Even then, it was a last resort. He believed that one blessed with great skills or talents should only put them to good use.This was followed by an awkward silence. Despite a rather rough first encounter, these two would become friends so close no earthly power could seperate their bond.
End of chapter one.

[heero yuy 95]

Whew, that was long. This is a word-for-word novel adaptation of a manga-style comic that I am working on. I am on about chapter six in my manga version and I am about to finish with volume one. For those of you who read this, please tell me what you think. You can be honest. If there's something you don't like about it, please tell me as I am open to any advice which may improve it. Well, I'll probably try and post chp. 2 whenever I may have the spare time. Please feel free to tell me your comments and opinions. If you may have any questions about Crimson Sun, feel free to pm me or just post it here. Well, gotta go.

[Esoteric]

Not bad at all. I like the opening... lots of action. You say it's for a manga? I can see it making a good outline for a manga. However, if you want input on it as a novel, I would say that you should weave the character descriptions into the action a little more. Also, while I assume Saber caused the explosions on deck, you don't really specify, so i could be assuming wrongly.
Also, describing the character's personality isn't always so necessary. For example, you make a point of explaining that Saber doesn't like to kill except in self-defense. That fact should already be evident by his softened attitude toward this helpless little girl.
But like I said, it's a good opening and I can see it 'in pictures' very well.

[heero yuy 95]

Wow! someone actually read it! Thanks for reading it. And yes the explosions were caused by Saber. He set the explosives. Just wanted to clarify that. And thanks again for reading it.