Jade and Japher...
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Jade and Japher...
hello fellow christians! I came from the christian link forums. I come to you to let you all read my own writting. I`m a christian writter. It is like dragonballz except it is christian based. My sagas contain some what of violence. Here is some info on myself. I have a mental ilness called asburgers. I can`t understand school to well and I can have bad thoughts in my mind. But all that is just asburgers. other than that I`m normal. If any of you guys would like to talk to me then you guys can private message me. My sagas are given to you all only to read not to steal. These sagas are presented to you in order. Every now and then I will let you only READ my sagas. I now present to you Jade and Japher...
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- Japher
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2004 8:37 pm
Hey, hey, don't leave now!
... I just noticed that this thread was here. ^^;
Hmm. If you happen to come back, I'll tell you what I think of all this.
... I just noticed that this thread was here. ^^;
Hmm. If you happen to come back, I'll tell you what I think of all this.
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
all right, I`m back... only for tonight.. but you can tell me what you think of all this. I`m lonley, I want to play with a christian girl! But girls are a fraid of me. They think I`m a killer, a homosexual. It hurts me... I`m greatly misunderstood....
- Japher
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2004 8:37 pm
ALL RIGHT! I HAVE HAD IT!!! YOU PROMISED THAT YOU WOULD TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF ALL THIS AND YOU HAVEN`T CAME BACK YET! YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE! I JUST WANTED TO HAVE ALITTLE HOPE OF COMING BACK AND TALKING ABOUT ANIME! BUT NO YOU GUYS WON`T EVEN POST ON MY THREAD!! WEL THAT IS IT I`m OUT OF HERE GOODBYE TO EVERYONE ON THIS WHOLE TREAD! TO THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT I THANK YOU BUT THESE PEOPLE HERE STINK TO OHIO!!! GOODBYE!!! 
- Japher
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2004 8:37 pm
::smacks forehead:: (Because 
doesn't do this action justice.)
I hate when this happens.
... Anyhow, I've been busy... I hope you understand.
Please come back?
Okay, I'll debunk on what I like... and what I don't. I apologize in advance if this at any time seems harsh... but I'm a critic at heart. I can't go easy. This is why you rarely see any work from me.
If you don't want to look at what I seriously think you should look at (my criticism), scroll down to the very bottom of the post. That's where I wrap everything up in a happy bow.
The Review!
Introduction:
I believe that, for the most part, this part is unnecessary.
For real, all the information about the characters can totally be presented in the first few chapters - that's what they're there for. Description goes a long way in a story - sometimes, it can draw us closer to your characters. For example, in describing that a certain male character is short, the fact can reveal an insecurity he has about himself - the fact that he is smaller than other boys his age unsettles him. That, in my opinion, is the kind of description that I find interesting.
I suggest replacing the introduction with something about the first discovery of energy force - and then working from that into the introduction of our main characters.
Episode One:
I barely know Jade and Japher and they're already on a hit-list?!
... if you want me to be particular about grammar, you can highlight the box below. If you don't, continue on.
[spoiler] You have some serious grammatical issues that I suggest you fix. I'm sorry... but it makes me very, very nervous when I read things that aren't grammatically correct. Especially when it's a story, something of literary quality. [/spoiler]
Okay, if you follow my suggestions for character description, this chapter will not only be longer, but more intriguing as well. Here's a rule that you need to keep in mind: Show, don't tell. That means, don't send in a guy to explain who everyone is and where they come from, describe to us who everyone is and why they are who they are.
Episode Two:
A battle scene... lacking... description... ::sniff::
Oh, you gave a wonderful play-by-play. I love me some action!
The thing is, you can make it a lot more interesting! Give us some dialogue... other than their cries of their moves. Even in the episodes of DBZ that I've seen, there's some taunting dialogue between the fighters. Of course, if you want to do some good fighting scenes... well, I like to see my characters as human. Weakness and worry (especially when fighting two-on-one, and one of the two is getting the smack-down) in characters are often brought out in these fighting scenes. Take this time to help your readers get to know your characters!
... just wondering... does Japher really care that he has just frozen the entire world? ... hmm. I thought he was fighting for God?
Episode Three:
Same advice as Episode 2's. Yep.
One question: Why brushing up so close to utter defeat at such an early point in the saga? You may want to reconsider so dramatic a confrontation at this point... postpone it for later.
Episode Four:
Oooh. Suspense. I suggest some uber gloating from Dr. C. I love irony!
Episode Five:
... sorry, but you have got to stop introducing fighting scenes with "Fighting Scene:". I know characters are fighting when they start throwing punches... or when one of them lunges at another. Another thing... don't say that someone is 500x stronger than such and such. I don't like looking at numbers in a piece of writing. Numbers remind me of math. Find another way to describe how strong something is! Please?
I dunno about you, but I would be shocked to find that my sister was infected with a strange disease. And I would be in extreme suspicion about whether this form was friendly or not, even though this new girl is fighting on your side.
... Please don't do any more deus-ex-machina "earth gets repaired over time" events. They're boring.
New twist on Dr. C... which could've been revealed at another time. Sigh. Oh well...
After reading through your extras, I noticed that you believe that character development wasn't important for this section for Japher and Dr. C. I beg to differ. The introduction is the best time to introduce your characters!
I like your setting... but for a girl who lives in the boonies that's never been to Cincinnati, I have no idea what it looks like! Description, no matter how common a place is, is wonderful.
EF stats were pretty funny.
One trillion~!
All the good I say about this work...
As of right now, the first part of the saga has a lot of potential! You've got sisters, a twisted parent, some weird force, and lots of action! All you need to do... is get some character development. Show us how these teenagers are normal (except for their obvious EF) - help us care about your characters as much as you care about them!
I hope this is what you want in a review. I'll be happy to provide more if you care for them. If you don't care for my tough style... please don't take it personally. I'm this critical about a lot of what I review.
See? We do care about you!
doesn't do this action justice.)
I hate when this happens.
... Anyhow, I've been busy... I hope you understand.
Please come back?
Okay, I'll debunk on what I like... and what I don't. I apologize in advance if this at any time seems harsh... but I'm a critic at heart. I can't go easy. This is why you rarely see any work from me.
If you don't want to look at what I seriously think you should look at (my criticism), scroll down to the very bottom of the post. That's where I wrap everything up in a happy bow.
The Review!
Introduction:
I believe that, for the most part, this part is unnecessary.
For real, all the information about the characters can totally be presented in the first few chapters - that's what they're there for. Description goes a long way in a story - sometimes, it can draw us closer to your characters. For example, in describing that a certain male character is short, the fact can reveal an insecurity he has about himself - the fact that he is smaller than other boys his age unsettles him. That, in my opinion, is the kind of description that I find interesting.
I suggest replacing the introduction with something about the first discovery of energy force - and then working from that into the introduction of our main characters.
Episode One:
I barely know Jade and Japher and they're already on a hit-list?!
... if you want me to be particular about grammar, you can highlight the box below. If you don't, continue on.
[spoiler] You have some serious grammatical issues that I suggest you fix. I'm sorry... but it makes me very, very nervous when I read things that aren't grammatically correct. Especially when it's a story, something of literary quality. [/spoiler]
Okay, if you follow my suggestions for character description, this chapter will not only be longer, but more intriguing as well. Here's a rule that you need to keep in mind: Show, don't tell. That means, don't send in a guy to explain who everyone is and where they come from, describe to us who everyone is and why they are who they are.
Episode Two:
A battle scene... lacking... description... ::sniff::
Oh, you gave a wonderful play-by-play. I love me some action!
The thing is, you can make it a lot more interesting! Give us some dialogue... other than their cries of their moves. Even in the episodes of DBZ that I've seen, there's some taunting dialogue between the fighters. Of course, if you want to do some good fighting scenes... well, I like to see my characters as human. Weakness and worry (especially when fighting two-on-one, and one of the two is getting the smack-down) in characters are often brought out in these fighting scenes. Take this time to help your readers get to know your characters!
... just wondering... does Japher really care that he has just frozen the entire world? ... hmm. I thought he was fighting for God?
Episode Three:
Same advice as Episode 2's. Yep.
One question: Why brushing up so close to utter defeat at such an early point in the saga? You may want to reconsider so dramatic a confrontation at this point... postpone it for later.
Episode Four:
Oooh. Suspense. I suggest some uber gloating from Dr. C. I love irony!
Episode Five:
... sorry, but you have got to stop introducing fighting scenes with "Fighting Scene:". I know characters are fighting when they start throwing punches... or when one of them lunges at another. Another thing... don't say that someone is 500x stronger than such and such. I don't like looking at numbers in a piece of writing. Numbers remind me of math. Find another way to describe how strong something is! Please?
I dunno about you, but I would be shocked to find that my sister was infected with a strange disease. And I would be in extreme suspicion about whether this form was friendly or not, even though this new girl is fighting on your side.
... Please don't do any more deus-ex-machina "earth gets repaired over time" events. They're boring.
New twist on Dr. C... which could've been revealed at another time. Sigh. Oh well...
After reading through your extras, I noticed that you believe that character development wasn't important for this section for Japher and Dr. C. I beg to differ. The introduction is the best time to introduce your characters!
I like your setting... but for a girl who lives in the boonies that's never been to Cincinnati, I have no idea what it looks like! Description, no matter how common a place is, is wonderful.
EF stats were pretty funny.
One trillion~!
All the good I say about this work...
As of right now, the first part of the saga has a lot of potential! You've got sisters, a twisted parent, some weird force, and lots of action! All you need to do... is get some character development. Show us how these teenagers are normal (except for their obvious EF) - help us care about your characters as much as you care about them!
I hope this is what you want in a review. I'll be happy to provide more if you care for them. If you don't care for my tough style... please don't take it personally. I'm this critical about a lot of what I review.
See? We do care about you!
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
Well, my reviews will come from time to time (When I find a lot of free time, I'll remind myself to review the other two from your first posting!). I'll make it my goal to get the other two reviews by the end of next week (umm... that would be before the 24th), and the other three done before the end of this month. Does that sound like a good deal to you?
Meanwhile, I'm glad that you've wandered back!
Oh, by the way, if you happen to write any more sagas, save them for review until after November! (See my thread about NaNo... I do hope that you'll join in! You can even use your sagas - or, at least, the stuff you've written before November - to enter in the contest! ^__^ )
Until next review, ciao!
Meanwhile, I'm glad that you've wandered back!
Oh, by the way, if you happen to write any more sagas, save them for review until after November! (See my thread about NaNo... I do hope that you'll join in! You can even use your sagas - or, at least, the stuff you've written before November - to enter in the contest! ^__^ )
Until next review, ciao!
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
hey you guys, right now I`m feeling bad becuase I`m a boy.... my mom said that girls are smarter than boys by 4 years! that makes me feel ashamed of my sex.... really ahsamed.....not I`m not saying I`m going to have a sex change... cause I`M NOT. I just want to be smart like a girl.... that is all.....
- Japher
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2004 8:37 pm
... I'm sorry about your friend (... although a friend would be more considerate than to mentally abuse their friends). Maybe you should talk to him/her about it?
Anyway, I'm going to get some painkillers. My head is killing me (nevertheless, I will review).
Anyway, I'm going to get some painkillers. My head is killing me (nevertheless, I will review).
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
Corporate Era - The Review
We'll skip my complaints about grammar - since I made them about the last review. However, they still apply. Grammar = important.
Introduction
Once again, you don't need this. You can describe a change of clothes for Japher (And the robot? Where'd he come from? This can be a whole chapter!). Description is key! (So is development.)
Episode 2
... hey, where'd episode 1 go? Oh, yeah. ^__^
Maybe you can add how the robot comes into the story in episode 1. Like, how it was made or something.
Anyway, enough of rambling about Episode 1. On to Episode 2.
Okay, I agree, Michelle has some issues (and here we see some development). You could've better presented this (i.e. showing snippets of her secret - or not so secret - obsession). However, this is the best I've seen so far, so I give you some props for it. ^__^
I thought this was funny:
Well, I... sorta wanted to know about EF... but I guess not, eh? (I hope there's another opportunity to learn about it...)
Anyhow, what you should do for this is... expand. Elaborate. Describe. Perhaps the only drawback you have for this is that you don't have pictures to show what you want to. However, you should use the media you have: words.
Now, let's get off the soap box and on to the next episode.
Episode 3
Ah, a fighting machine!
You may want to... um... decrease the amount of stuff that's in her backpack. I mean... she has a huge backpack, to hold all that... O_O
And I'm not sure if you should wipe out the entire airport.
Remember what I said about last saga's fights? Those comments apply here.
Another thing: Your damage is inconsistent. I mean, a few grenades "damage" 9-4 but a few rockets that wipe out airports don't? I'm confused.
Episode 4
Last lines in italics are not important. Show, don't tell.
Otherwise, "Fight Scene" tips still apply.
Episode 5
What is Michelle doing?
(Sorry, just had to say that.)
Anyway, I think if Michelle wanted to take this mission so badly, she should have finished it, and not left it to Japher to finish the job. That way, she could get the glory. The challenge for the Anarchy tournament could have come later. ^__^
Episode 6
Ooh, another challenge yet to come!
Maybe you should incorporate how God protected Japher. For all I see, she found strength by herself, not by God.
Maybe knowing that the brother of S-4 was going to be at the tournament was all the "challenge" Japher needed to compete.
And what happens after the fight... I think that should be an episode on its own. If Japher is concerned that another robot is after everyone, then Japher should act concerned.
Afterthoughts
The "normal living" bonus episode should be included in the story itself. It helps me (and those who read it) know the characters better. Enough said.
EF wasn't as high as it used to be. Aww...
Additional afterthought: Adding Michelle was a good idea. Your characters are starting to turn into people - not mythological beastly figures! ^__^
Another thing: Japher and Michelle... are actually quite heavy for girls. Are you sure you wanted to do that?
I may get back to you on more constructive afterthoughts. That headache is really putting a damper on my train of thought.
Meanwhile, I'll be doing Review number 3... when I get more sleep. (Maybe my headache will go away.)
We'll skip my complaints about grammar - since I made them about the last review. However, they still apply. Grammar = important.
Introduction
Once again, you don't need this. You can describe a change of clothes for Japher (And the robot? Where'd he come from? This can be a whole chapter!). Description is key! (So is development.)
Episode 2
... hey, where'd episode 1 go? Oh, yeah. ^__^
Maybe you can add how the robot comes into the story in episode 1. Like, how it was made or something.
Anyway, enough of rambling about Episode 1. On to Episode 2.
Okay, I agree, Michelle has some issues (and here we see some development). You could've better presented this (i.e. showing snippets of her secret - or not so secret - obsession). However, this is the best I've seen so far, so I give you some props for it. ^__^
I thought this was funny:
This didn`t attract Japher`s attention at all
Well, I... sorta wanted to know about EF... but I guess not, eh? (I hope there's another opportunity to learn about it...)
Anyhow, what you should do for this is... expand. Elaborate. Describe. Perhaps the only drawback you have for this is that you don't have pictures to show what you want to. However, you should use the media you have: words.
Now, let's get off the soap box and on to the next episode.
Episode 3
Ah, a fighting machine!
You may want to... um... decrease the amount of stuff that's in her backpack. I mean... she has a huge backpack, to hold all that... O_O
And I'm not sure if you should wipe out the entire airport.
Remember what I said about last saga's fights? Those comments apply here.
Another thing: Your damage is inconsistent. I mean, a few grenades "damage" 9-4 but a few rockets that wipe out airports don't? I'm confused.
Episode 4
Last lines in italics are not important. Show, don't tell.
Otherwise, "Fight Scene" tips still apply.
Episode 5
What is Michelle doing?
(Sorry, just had to say that.)
Anyway, I think if Michelle wanted to take this mission so badly, she should have finished it, and not left it to Japher to finish the job. That way, she could get the glory. The challenge for the Anarchy tournament could have come later. ^__^
Episode 6
Ooh, another challenge yet to come!
Maybe you should incorporate how God protected Japher. For all I see, she found strength by herself, not by God.
Maybe knowing that the brother of S-4 was going to be at the tournament was all the "challenge" Japher needed to compete.
And what happens after the fight... I think that should be an episode on its own. If Japher is concerned that another robot is after everyone, then Japher should act concerned.
Afterthoughts
The "normal living" bonus episode should be included in the story itself. It helps me (and those who read it) know the characters better. Enough said.
EF wasn't as high as it used to be. Aww...
Additional afterthought: Adding Michelle was a good idea. Your characters are starting to turn into people - not mythological beastly figures! ^__^
Another thing: Japher and Michelle... are actually quite heavy for girls. Are you sure you wanted to do that?
I may get back to you on more constructive afterthoughts. That headache is really putting a damper on my train of thought.
Meanwhile, I'll be doing Review number 3... when I get more sleep. (Maybe my headache will go away.)
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
Japher wrote:thank you for your reply, he does not abuse me anymore... but he still curses me out... it is verbal abuse. he never shows me the resptect I deserve...
Verbal abuse is still rough (I know, believe me.). Friends still shouldn't curse other friends out. I still think you should talk to him about it, especially if you still want to consider each other friends.
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
All right! My headaches are finally gone! (I guess I just needed to wear my glasses.)
Reviews will be coming in BUNDLES shortly. ^__^
Reviews will be coming in BUNDLES shortly. ^__^
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
Whoa~...
Sorry I've been MIA so long... I think it best to leave it at "Don't ask."
Okay, I need to set another deadline for myself, since I obviously blew the last one.
::mutters to self::
Sorry I've been MIA so long... I think it best to leave it at "Don't ask."
Okay, I need to set another deadline for myself, since I obviously blew the last one.
::mutters to self::
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
::revives, if only for a brief moment::
I am truly sorry for not responding.
I'm trying to do my pre-college stuff, not to mention I'm attempting Physics ( that deserves a good @_@ face)... and that has brought me out of this site temporarily.
Unfortunately, up until your KO-9 saga, what I have to say is simply... a repetition of what I've said before.
And I haven't read past that. (Sorry~...)
So, please, don't just leave us - do what Anonymous suggests!
I am truly sorry for not responding.
I'm trying to do my pre-college stuff, not to mention I'm attempting Physics ( that deserves a good @_@ face)... and that has brought me out of this site temporarily.
Unfortunately, up until your KO-9 saga, what I have to say is simply... a repetition of what I've said before.
And I haven't read past that. (Sorry~...)
So, please, don't just leave us - do what Anonymous suggests!
Chibi Overlord says: Dance! Dance! Revolution!
Serving Jesus Christ, the ultimate revolutionary.
-
antefurem - Posts: 97
- Joined: Sun May 30, 2004 4:15 pm
- Location: The Valley of Humility
I agree with Anonymous! Don't go! Sure your stories needs work, but everyone goes through a process before they can reach their full potential. Your stories has the basic elements, but they need some fine tuning and some careful editing. I'm sure if you just go back and rewrite some of it, it would become really good. So don't go, please? Also, in order to work on making one's writing better, one must read and study from the other writers. Go and check out some of the stories from the other members, like UC or Emanku. ^^ if you have time, check out the other threads, like the goof off, where anonymous spends alot of her time. ^^ so cheer up! We're all here to help. ^^
[indent]
[/indent](Sorting things out, but will be back later.)
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding -provers 9:10
[/indent](Sorting things out, but will be back later.)
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Dark_angel - Posts: 167
- Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2003 8:42 am
- Location: lost in space....
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