I feel like I know where my calling is. I was helping a friend volunteer in a Sunday school class (it's a Monday service) and I was realizing how much I didn't have a very good example of Christianity from older children that I looked up too. I know that I'm being hard on them...these were fourth and sixth graders; but many times I was deeply hurt by the way they treated me. I didn't have alot of money or brand-name clothes, I looked kind of funny and I had an issue with being judgemental and bossy, but underneath all of that I really needed love and attention.
I was always kind of left out...I remember one time in first grade-I was bumped up to second grade because I had a higher reading level than the rest of the kids...(I just like reading, I don't mean to be egotistical or say I'm smarter than they were or something) and I came back to the classroom. The class felt a little animosity towards me because of this and when I came back to the first grade for math, this boy named Cole scowled at me and said,
"You're in the other class. You don't belong."
I'll never forget that. Maybe I misconstrued it...but it doesn't matter. I've felt this way my whole life...like I don't belong.
And when I was with those kids, I remembered that and I felt this sense of duty towards them to show them all of the love I can...and let them know that they're family, that they belong somewhere. Somewhere where it doesn't matter what their peers or the older kids think.
When I see those commercials asking for donations to feed hungry children, it's really hard to hold back the tears and many times I start crying.
Even though alot of people are skeptical about this kind of stuff...I find it strange that for this one thing I don't feel any doubt at all. I'm a skeptical person. I always come up with a way that someone might be ripping me off or lying to me or plotting against me...
I feel an intense yearning to be with these people, so much so that I feel like I need to go where ever they are right NOW and make sure they're helped. And I think today with this children's ministry thing I just found the missing piece to everything I've been wondering about and doubting...everything God has told me hasn't made any since until now.
I realize that God shaped my funky personality that I always thought was seriously warped and strange just for what I was cut out to do.
And God is showing me more and more about faith and how it works...how much I cheat myself and other people because I'm afraid of risk, afraid of criticism, afraid of mistakes.
Satan has reined me in by my fear for so long...and now I'm realizing how perfect God is. Everything has a reason and a purpose...