Once upon a time, in a musty castle that perched atop a rather large and intimidating cliff,a young princess gazed out of the tower window and into the sea below. Under different circumstances it might have been exciting to be at the most elevated spot in the Kingdom. The view was breathtaking, to say the least--well, depending on who you asked of course. The princess had seen the world from much greater heights, so the kiddie-pool sized body of water was not as awe-inspiring to her as it would have been to, say, some of the other princesses of the region.
She moved away from the tiny slit of a window and began to pace the length of the floor. Occasionally she would stop to examine the manacle and chain that they had bound her with. The princess was allowed some movement-probably because the guards had been too afraid to get close enough to really tie her up good-but not much. Alas! The poor dear was locked away, doomed to live the rest of her days in drudgery and isolation.
Now she wasn't a bad princess. She was quite kind, in fact. However, there was one small (insignificant, really) problem; our lady fair was not a lady at all! She was a giant, fire-breathing dragon who thought she was a princess.
Sound confusing? Well, let's see if I can illuminate the darkness a bit. Our aforementioned "heroine" was what you might call a dragon of the inquisitive sort. Now all good little dragons learned from the time they were hatched that wandering about where humans could see them was a no-no. More than that...mucking about in the affairs of humans or associating with the creatures in any way was unthinkable! No self-respecting dragon would dare entertain the idea. Unless, of course, you were a young and overly curious dragon with a head for adventure!
Besides, most of the information the elders gave on the topic of humans was based on data that had been collected many generations ago. How accurate could it be?
Hmm. I suppose it's only fitting to grant our winged "maiden" a name. You must realize that her real name would be almost impossible to pronounce (Dragon being one of the more difficult languages to master and requiring the production of smoke and/or flame in some instances), therefore, I find it necessary to give her a more common name--suitable to the age in which she lived and common to the location in which she found herself. Let me see...Wilhelmina? ...no.....Hildegaard?....not that either... perhaps something simpler. Perhaps...Fannie!
Fannie was reared in a respectable lair. Her nursemaid/surrogate father had been careful to teach her and her hatchmates all the ins and outs of being a dragon and honoring the ancients, etc. etc.. She was taught proper grooming and egg-laying skills. She was instructed in the art of practical and aerobatical flight techniques. Fannie had even been tutored by the best and most venerable dragon, who didn't come cheaply by the way, on the art and importance of 'treasure hording'. The point, as should be obvious, was that Fannie was a dragon of excellent breeding. She had the best of everything a dragon could want. But something was missing.
Fannie wasn't interested in some silly treasure. Fire breathing was so simple it was boring. And what was the big deal about remembering the full names of your ancestors down to a 1,000 generations anyway?? Needless to say, Fannie took every opportunity to sneak off and explore anything that didn't relate to dragons.
Oh this past-time had started out innocently enough. She would hide behind large rocks or use the cover of night to cloak herself. And the more that she observed the human race--the more it fascinated her. Perhaps it won't be too surprising to the reader to learn that Fannie soon found herself wishing she was human. She began to fashion human-like clothing and wigs for herself. She studied their mannerisms and customs and did everything she could, in secret, to copy what she'd learned. Months passed. Then years...and then, one day, Fannie was certain she'd mastered the "art" of being human. She was ready to introduce herself into their world.
Still, Fannie was only 200 years old-which was very young-and not considered mature enough to move out of the den yet. In fact, most female dragons didn't get to leave the proverbial nest until they were at least 625. Males, being slower to mature were kept in the lair until they were almost 700! So, Fannie had a while to go before she could leave without permission and knowing the Elders they weren't likely to grant it.
It seemed that she had no other choice than to burn a note into the side of a wall, pack a few essentials, and sneak out as quietly as possible. Anyway, how hard could being a human be? She'd been studying the creatures for well over a generation. They were quaint and amusing. They were simple and yet so complex in their simplicity. And none of them could remember their ancestors beyond their great-great grands without the aid of a very large and dusty tome, so no
human would be keeping her at table for the next six months reciting the "family line". Nor would she be forced into another "blowing-smoke-into-rings-and-animal-shapes" contest. OR examined by the elder matrons of the clan as a potential den mother.
Nope. Life would be so much simpler as a human. She was certain of her future. Her path was clear and she felt no anxiety. It was a human she was called to be. Fannie may have been born a dragon, but clearly that had been a mistake. Thankful--that was what she felt--thankful that she had been able to discover her true path....
(to be continued)
Here Be Dragons
Here Be Dragons
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Here Be Dragons (con't)
With a last look at her sleeping kinfolk, Fannie quietly stepped from the cavernous room and into the long passageway that led to the world outside. Her brothers and sisters were snoring happily, not likely to awaken; and, the den-mothers/elders were currently in a council meeting over some border dispute with a rival clan. Fannie thought it quite silly that they spent so much time bickering over who got what rock, but who was she to counsel the counselors? Besides, it suited her purposes for the moment and made her exodus a much easier one.
Now, Fannie's den was just one of many within the huge cavern, which meant that she would have to sneak past at least 20 or 30 other families before reaching the exit. According to custom and pecking order, each family was positioned in the cave based on their status and bloodline. For example, the Queen Mother(may her flame burn forever!)was situated in the most spacious room in the back. The Queen, of course, had her own private exit and hardly ever ventured past the midway point. So, the closer you were to the actual entrance, the less likely you were to ever see the Queen. On the other hand, meeting her was not necessarily a good thing; rumor had it that she often ate young hatchlings and liked to incinerate her handmaidens when bored. This of course was mere rumor. Fannie didn't really believe it, still... she would just as soon not have to come face to face with so formidable a character. The Queen Mother was the oldest and most powerful dragon aside from the Priest (who was another matter altogether). The very thought of her presence commanded one's respect and her manner brooked no nonsense. The lives of all dragons in the clan, including Fannie, rested on the whim of the Queen Mother.
Perhaps, it would be a good time to pause Fannie's adventure and let you, the reader, gain a better understanding of dragons and the general structure of their society. It is true that there are many different types of dragons in the world. Some dragons are enormous, some are very miniscule, some fly, and some do not. There are dragons that live in complete isolation--venturing out of their lairs only during mating season. And then there are the dragons that live in large familial groups and give their allegience to one primary figure, which in Fannie's case would be the Queen Mother. All of the dragons within the cave were connected to the Queen Mother in some way. One was a son or a daughter, a neice or a nephew, etc. How closely you could trace your relationship to her determined your status. Nevertheless, everyone was essentially part of the family. Think of it as a matriarchal system similar to that of a beehive (or dragonhive, if you will). Any female dragon could challenge the Queen Mother for the position at any time. However, losing meant exile and possible death,so challenges weren't issued very often. Everyone respected the Queen Mother even if they didn't like her.
Dragons of Fannie's ilk were not as big as some, but were considered to be a little above what a human would call normal. The females, which were the dominant ones, tended to grow much larger in size than the males and were usually graced with a larger wingspan and sharper talons. It was the female dragon's job to lay the eggs, to hunt, and to fight. The female was the protector/warrior. All of the domestic affairs were left to the more diminutive male, who happily spent his days egg-sitting and teaching young hatchlings the important skills necessary for survival in their world. Of course, not all females could be all things. For example, not every female was a good huntress. Nor was every one of them equal in the task of egg laying. By the same token, not all males could be "den mothers". There were some males that were just completely unsuited for the job. Most did not know what area suited them best until they began to mature at about the age of 200 or so. By the time they were full-fledged adults, they knew their place in the hive. And if they didn't,well, the Elders would figure it out for them. Finally, in terms of color, females were usually a soft gray, with some darker shades around their crests and at the tips of their tails. Being hunters, though, they had the uncanny ability to blend in to whatever environment they found themselves. So a female dragon in flight could adapt her pigmentation to the lovely azure hues of the midday sky and render herself almost invisible to anyone who didn't know what to look for. Male dragons had the same ability, but to a lesser degree. A male dragon was usually browner in color and could only go so far as to blend in with rocks and cliffs and things of that nature. Typically, both females and males had either red or gold eyes. And now that you have a slightly better understanding of our wonderful friends, let's continue....
As Fannie made her way down the dimly lit corridor, she reflected upon her new life and how grand it was going to be. She thought fleetingly of her family and felt a pang of doubt. Perhaps she was making a mistake? Perhaps she wasn?t ready to leave yet. The thought of never seeing her family again was suddenly unbearable. Fannie hadn't even considered the fact that once she'd left she may not be able to return. The Queen Mother didn't take kindly to upstart, fledglings that thumbed their nose at the traditions of the hive,much less ones who snuck off to join the very lifestyle it was so opposed to. But then, there was another feeling inside her. A feeling that was sure there was more to life than laying eggs and blowing smoke. The call of the world was like a Siren's song shaping her will and pushing her inevitably toward the exit proper. Fannie took one last look in the direction of what had been her home; bade them all a fond farewell, and continued along the path she'd chosen.
Now, Fannie's den was just one of many within the huge cavern, which meant that she would have to sneak past at least 20 or 30 other families before reaching the exit. According to custom and pecking order, each family was positioned in the cave based on their status and bloodline. For example, the Queen Mother(may her flame burn forever!)was situated in the most spacious room in the back. The Queen, of course, had her own private exit and hardly ever ventured past the midway point. So, the closer you were to the actual entrance, the less likely you were to ever see the Queen. On the other hand, meeting her was not necessarily a good thing; rumor had it that she often ate young hatchlings and liked to incinerate her handmaidens when bored. This of course was mere rumor. Fannie didn't really believe it, still... she would just as soon not have to come face to face with so formidable a character. The Queen Mother was the oldest and most powerful dragon aside from the Priest (who was another matter altogether). The very thought of her presence commanded one's respect and her manner brooked no nonsense. The lives of all dragons in the clan, including Fannie, rested on the whim of the Queen Mother.
Perhaps, it would be a good time to pause Fannie's adventure and let you, the reader, gain a better understanding of dragons and the general structure of their society. It is true that there are many different types of dragons in the world. Some dragons are enormous, some are very miniscule, some fly, and some do not. There are dragons that live in complete isolation--venturing out of their lairs only during mating season. And then there are the dragons that live in large familial groups and give their allegience to one primary figure, which in Fannie's case would be the Queen Mother. All of the dragons within the cave were connected to the Queen Mother in some way. One was a son or a daughter, a neice or a nephew, etc. How closely you could trace your relationship to her determined your status. Nevertheless, everyone was essentially part of the family. Think of it as a matriarchal system similar to that of a beehive (or dragonhive, if you will). Any female dragon could challenge the Queen Mother for the position at any time. However, losing meant exile and possible death,so challenges weren't issued very often. Everyone respected the Queen Mother even if they didn't like her.
Dragons of Fannie's ilk were not as big as some, but were considered to be a little above what a human would call normal. The females, which were the dominant ones, tended to grow much larger in size than the males and were usually graced with a larger wingspan and sharper talons. It was the female dragon's job to lay the eggs, to hunt, and to fight. The female was the protector/warrior. All of the domestic affairs were left to the more diminutive male, who happily spent his days egg-sitting and teaching young hatchlings the important skills necessary for survival in their world. Of course, not all females could be all things. For example, not every female was a good huntress. Nor was every one of them equal in the task of egg laying. By the same token, not all males could be "den mothers". There were some males that were just completely unsuited for the job. Most did not know what area suited them best until they began to mature at about the age of 200 or so. By the time they were full-fledged adults, they knew their place in the hive. And if they didn't,well, the Elders would figure it out for them. Finally, in terms of color, females were usually a soft gray, with some darker shades around their crests and at the tips of their tails. Being hunters, though, they had the uncanny ability to blend in to whatever environment they found themselves. So a female dragon in flight could adapt her pigmentation to the lovely azure hues of the midday sky and render herself almost invisible to anyone who didn't know what to look for. Male dragons had the same ability, but to a lesser degree. A male dragon was usually browner in color and could only go so far as to blend in with rocks and cliffs and things of that nature. Typically, both females and males had either red or gold eyes. And now that you have a slightly better understanding of our wonderful friends, let's continue....
As Fannie made her way down the dimly lit corridor, she reflected upon her new life and how grand it was going to be. She thought fleetingly of her family and felt a pang of doubt. Perhaps she was making a mistake? Perhaps she wasn?t ready to leave yet. The thought of never seeing her family again was suddenly unbearable. Fannie hadn't even considered the fact that once she'd left she may not be able to return. The Queen Mother didn't take kindly to upstart, fledglings that thumbed their nose at the traditions of the hive,much less ones who snuck off to join the very lifestyle it was so opposed to. But then, there was another feeling inside her. A feeling that was sure there was more to life than laying eggs and blowing smoke. The call of the world was like a Siren's song shaping her will and pushing her inevitably toward the exit proper. Fannie took one last look in the direction of what had been her home; bade them all a fond farewell, and continued along the path she'd chosen.
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Here Be Dragons...
Fannie never realized how incredibly long this passage was until she was forced to tiptoe along and blend into the wall everytime she saw a shadow flicker. But eventually, she found herself at the gaping maw that led to the outside. Yes, here was the exit and--
FLASH! WHOOSH! Fannie barely had time to dodge the fireball that wizzed over her head. Her wings had been instinctively unfurled and covered her more vulnerable appendages. She braved an upward glance and sighed in a mixture of awe and terror. Fannie had forgotten about the Guardian. The Guardian was a formidable dragon who protected the hive from intruders and alerted everyone of impending danger. Why oh why hadn't Fannie taken her into consideration? The Guardian looked at her, waiting. Fannie assumed the most humble posture she could think of, silently praying to the universe in general that she wasn't about to breathe her last. The Guardian looked her over for a moment and then began to speak in a low rumble of a voice.
Hewa ngfttt outanya? (which translates into something like: "Where goest thou?", and sounds more to our ears like:grumble SNORT?arrrghrumble*blast of smoke*) Fannie paused a moment. The Guardian was speaking to her in High Dragon. It was an ancient dialect that was rarely even taught anymore. Formerly only used by the extreme royalty it had retreated into the shadows and had been replaced aeons ago. Fannie searched her memory banks for the proper response. Ho Mai Ghen Na! Faleh ng Wai ou keyus ototalya' fft dani-dani mosre. (Translated: "Oh mighty Guardian! Blessed be the watcher who protects us when darkness falls! or to be more precise: Squeak! Mumble rumble Snort snort! Sputter cough aaargh groan rumble [puff of smoke] growl!) and then she added, hastily:"Please don?t kill me!"
"Child, why would you think I was trying to kill you?" Ah normal, everyday dragonspeak. Thank goodness! Fannie wasn't certain she could have continued the conversation otherwise. The Guardian continued without waiting for a response."Do you speak of the fireball I aimed toward you? Hmmph. What sort of guardian would I be if I could not control the direction of my flame, child? Mistake me not, if I was trying to kill you, you would be dead already." The Guardians gazed narrowed."Now then, what are you doing so close to the entrance at so late an hour. Should you not be asleep? " An impatient talon began to tap steadily. Now what do I do? Thought Fannie."Excuse me, Guardian. I was unable to sleep and chose to take a walk in hopes that it would cause me to expend some energy. I-I guess I wasn't paying attention and wandered off too far?" There was a pause that echoed through eternity. Finally, the Guardian replied: "Well, lucky for you I was around to shake you out of your stupor. You are free to return to your den and we will not speak of it further. Oh and, seing patad outanya Akeneh Trak?ou Na! Outilang wayasahet soveba Harrrrg Idalang eenthe! (Practice your High Dragon. Your pronunciation is horrible and hurts my ears! [Grumble snort.... you get the idea]). Fannie sighed. It seemed there would be no escaping tonight. It was so unfair! It had taken her forever just to get there. Fannie sniffled. The Guardian turned her back and Fannie was incontestably dismissed. She heaved a sigh and began to turn when the sound of an alert being trumpeted stopped her in mid-track.
One of the warrior dragons, which had been scouting the area landed hastily near the Guardian. "Hail Guardian and protector of..." "Enough of that!" replied the Guardian "I sense news of ill-fortune, we don't have time for formalities. Speak plainly." The other dragon snorted in assent. "Very well. There are several dragons from the Northern Clans making their way across the border and into our territory."The warrior paused for effect. "Guardian, they bring the Rockbiters with them!" "What?!" "It is true. I saw it myself." The Guardian's eyes narrowed. It was highly unusual for a Rockbiter to align itself to anyone. But she knew this particular warrior to be one of the most accurate scouts in the hive. And being a warrior left precious little time to conjure up fanciful stories. "Very well, then--" And with that, Fannie was forgotten completely as the two older dragons began to discuss the situation. Without thought, Fannie inched her way closer to the exit. The Guardian's back was turned and the warrior wasn't paying any attention to her. Fannie doubted that the warrior dragon had even noticed she was there. She crouched low and slipped quietly past them, making certain that she remained as silent as possible. When she made it, at last, to the outside she barely paused to take a breath before quickly finding cover behind a large, petrified tree. It was only a few more yards to the secret place she'd hidden her human attire. She would be exposed and vulnerable to detection, but it was necessary to brave the possibility if she wanted to reach her destination.
Fannie didn't worry overmuch about the enemy from the north that was converging upon her home. She was quite confident that they could handle anything that came against them for the warrior dragons of her clan were by far the best around. Nobody could defeat them, not even a Rockbiter (whatever that was). Indeed, Fannie decided to let the "grown-ups" deal with the hostile invaders.She had a new life now....
(to be continued)
FLASH! WHOOSH! Fannie barely had time to dodge the fireball that wizzed over her head. Her wings had been instinctively unfurled and covered her more vulnerable appendages. She braved an upward glance and sighed in a mixture of awe and terror. Fannie had forgotten about the Guardian. The Guardian was a formidable dragon who protected the hive from intruders and alerted everyone of impending danger. Why oh why hadn't Fannie taken her into consideration? The Guardian looked at her, waiting. Fannie assumed the most humble posture she could think of, silently praying to the universe in general that she wasn't about to breathe her last. The Guardian looked her over for a moment and then began to speak in a low rumble of a voice.
Hewa ngfttt outanya? (which translates into something like: "Where goest thou?", and sounds more to our ears like:grumble SNORT?arrrghrumble*blast of smoke*) Fannie paused a moment. The Guardian was speaking to her in High Dragon. It was an ancient dialect that was rarely even taught anymore. Formerly only used by the extreme royalty it had retreated into the shadows and had been replaced aeons ago. Fannie searched her memory banks for the proper response. Ho Mai Ghen Na! Faleh ng Wai ou keyus ototalya' fft dani-dani mosre. (Translated: "Oh mighty Guardian! Blessed be the watcher who protects us when darkness falls! or to be more precise: Squeak! Mumble rumble Snort snort! Sputter cough aaargh groan rumble [puff of smoke] growl!) and then she added, hastily:"Please don?t kill me!"
"Child, why would you think I was trying to kill you?" Ah normal, everyday dragonspeak. Thank goodness! Fannie wasn't certain she could have continued the conversation otherwise. The Guardian continued without waiting for a response."Do you speak of the fireball I aimed toward you? Hmmph. What sort of guardian would I be if I could not control the direction of my flame, child? Mistake me not, if I was trying to kill you, you would be dead already." The Guardians gazed narrowed."Now then, what are you doing so close to the entrance at so late an hour. Should you not be asleep? " An impatient talon began to tap steadily. Now what do I do? Thought Fannie."Excuse me, Guardian. I was unable to sleep and chose to take a walk in hopes that it would cause me to expend some energy. I-I guess I wasn't paying attention and wandered off too far?" There was a pause that echoed through eternity. Finally, the Guardian replied: "Well, lucky for you I was around to shake you out of your stupor. You are free to return to your den and we will not speak of it further. Oh and, seing patad outanya Akeneh Trak?ou Na! Outilang wayasahet soveba Harrrrg Idalang eenthe! (Practice your High Dragon. Your pronunciation is horrible and hurts my ears! [Grumble snort.... you get the idea]). Fannie sighed. It seemed there would be no escaping tonight. It was so unfair! It had taken her forever just to get there. Fannie sniffled. The Guardian turned her back and Fannie was incontestably dismissed. She heaved a sigh and began to turn when the sound of an alert being trumpeted stopped her in mid-track.
One of the warrior dragons, which had been scouting the area landed hastily near the Guardian. "Hail Guardian and protector of..." "Enough of that!" replied the Guardian "I sense news of ill-fortune, we don't have time for formalities. Speak plainly." The other dragon snorted in assent. "Very well. There are several dragons from the Northern Clans making their way across the border and into our territory."The warrior paused for effect. "Guardian, they bring the Rockbiters with them!" "What?!" "It is true. I saw it myself." The Guardian's eyes narrowed. It was highly unusual for a Rockbiter to align itself to anyone. But she knew this particular warrior to be one of the most accurate scouts in the hive. And being a warrior left precious little time to conjure up fanciful stories. "Very well, then--" And with that, Fannie was forgotten completely as the two older dragons began to discuss the situation. Without thought, Fannie inched her way closer to the exit. The Guardian's back was turned and the warrior wasn't paying any attention to her. Fannie doubted that the warrior dragon had even noticed she was there. She crouched low and slipped quietly past them, making certain that she remained as silent as possible. When she made it, at last, to the outside she barely paused to take a breath before quickly finding cover behind a large, petrified tree. It was only a few more yards to the secret place she'd hidden her human attire. She would be exposed and vulnerable to detection, but it was necessary to brave the possibility if she wanted to reach her destination.
Fannie didn't worry overmuch about the enemy from the north that was converging upon her home. She was quite confident that they could handle anything that came against them for the warrior dragons of her clan were by far the best around. Nobody could defeat them, not even a Rockbiter (whatever that was). Indeed, Fannie decided to let the "grown-ups" deal with the hostile invaders.She had a new life now....
(to be continued)
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Look, if you're going to criticize other's works, at least provide good reason for it.
Strike #2.
Strike #2.
fightin' in the eighties
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
I'm done
simply trying to exercise my creative muscles. It's been years since I've tried any sort of creative writing and I'm trying to get back into it. Perhaps this story _is_ terrible. I haven't gotten any feedback about it, except one rude comment--so, maybe I should just quit now. I'd rather be honest about it and not waste anyone else's time. Just to clarify, this doesn't mean that I'll never post another poem or story ^_^...I just don't want to continue something that isn't good and nobody is enjoying. So, consider this story over and done with....sorry for the bad fic.
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
I know...^^. Surprisingly, his comment didn't upset me. And Shiroihikari was quick to address his behavior, which I appreciate. But I am willing to be honest and admit the story may not have been any good. It's okay, I can always try again some other time,neh?
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Definitely. Don't let jerks like that suck the wind out of your sails, even if it didn't *seem* to bother you much.
"you're a doctor.... and 27 years.... so...doctor + 27 years = HATORI SOHMA" - RoyalWing, when I was 27
"Al hail the forum editting Shooby! His vibes are law!" - Osaka-chan
I could still be champ, but I'd feel bad taking it away from one of the younger guys. - George Foreman
"Al hail the forum editting Shooby! His vibes are law!" - Osaka-chan
I could still be champ, but I'd feel bad taking it away from one of the younger guys. - George Foreman
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shooraijin - Posts: 9928
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Southern California
*nods* Thank you. I appreciate that.
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
I don't usually read the writing posted here because I don't have much time on my hands, but I read this story so far and I like it. Don't listen to that other guy, he was just trying to be mean. He probably didn't even read it.
"Be joyful always." - 1 Thes 5:16
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Rashiir - Posts: 961
- Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2003 1:28 pm
- Location: California/New Haven, CT
Iesu_no_Senshi wrote:So, consider this story over and done with....sorry for the bad fic.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You CAN'T stop now... This story is so whimsical and wonderful! It would make a GREAT children's story, and not only for children, because I for one am enjoying it immensely. Please write more!
You must completely disregard anything these trolls say. His comment wasn't even a criticism; it was just a pointless, baseless flame, probably said out of jealousy because of his own complete (and obvious) lack of talent.
I can't stand stupid trolls!
Please please please keep writing this story! And then consider publishing it! I think you have some serious talent, and a great imagination.
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EireWolf - Posts: 2496
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: the forests of northern California
awww,shucks
Okay, then, if you really like it I'll keep it going
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
EireWolf wrote:Yay! More story!
Betrayal... Intrigue... Suspense... WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT??!!!
That's what I'm trying to figure out now *heh heh*
I'll try to have more up shortly (within the next day or two)
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Here Be Dragons (cont'd)
A young female dragon sat in the far most corner of the den, tail lashing and eyes narrowed. Why did the den mothers always seem to pick on her? Was it her fault that Goanuth was a stupid Slimelizard? Honestly, it wasn't her fault his tail had gotten in the way of her flame blast, was it? The little dragon glanced over at the smaller figure across the room from her. Goanuth was still sniffling. Occasionally, he would grace her with an accusatory look, but only after he'd examined his blackened appendage. The look of utter amazement and then pain that had passed over his features was so comical that she couldn't help but laugh. Even now, as she sat in isolation, a small smile krept its way over her face. Goanuth was an idiot and he'd gotten what he'd deserved.
"Hmmph. That'll teach ya to make fun of me", she mumbled under her breath. Still, it really wasn't any fun being alone in a corner when everyone else got to play. Wasn't her punishment over yet? She was certain she'd been there for quite some time. Perhaps the den mothers had forgotten about her. Well, she couldn't leave isolation until one of them came and got her. But what if no one ever did? What if she was there forever? What if she starved to death? The little one's mind began to race frantically with thoughts of impending doom. Terrified that she'd been forgotten, the young female called out:
"DEN MOTHER FAAUTHEEEIY'L! DEN MOTHER AKAHAAA-N! I'M READY TO GET UP NOW."
Fautheiy'l and Akaha-n looked at each other. The child was impossible. Fautheiy'l took a deep breath, and walked over to the place where the young dragon had been sitting for the last several moments. He cleared his throat.
"Now then, Fannie", he began....
"My name isn't Fannie! It's Faien'nithayah!" she protested.
Fautheiy'l wondered why she had been given such a ridiculously long name. He sighed. "Of course, child. Now then, Faien'nithayah, surely you realize how much larger you are in comparison to poor little Goanuth, hmmm? You know that as a male, he is much weaker than you. You are also older than he is by at least 2 full weeks! There is absolutely no excuse for such behavior-- no matter what the provocation. Now, if you can't control that temper of yours AND that flame--you will lose your outing privileges until the next New Moon."
Fannie, or Faien'nithayah, looked at the den mother, horrified. " The New Moon!! That's not until forever!" she wailed.
"It's actually only ten days from now. Nonetheless, it is your decision entirely. Either you can choose to behave or you can spend the next ten- day cycles in the isolation corner, while all of your well-behaved brothers and sisters get to play and have fun. Your choice?"
Fannie sighed. It was hard not to lose her temper, especially around dragons like Goanuth. Still, she new that Fautheiy'l meant business and that if she didn't give him the response he wanted, she very well could be old and gray by the time he let her go. Ten whole days stuck inside the den. How horrid! Finally, she spoke up."Alright. I promise to be good from now on. And I promise not set Goanuth on fire anymore."
Den mother Fautheiy'l nodded. He'd known that the threat would work. There was nothing worse to little dragons than being made to stay indoors. "Well, the lesson will be starting shortly," said Fautheiy'l. "Come along". Fannie nodded and hurried to join the group, which was already forming a large semi-circle. It was time for a lesson from one of the den mothers. She found her place, trying as best she could to steer clear of Goanuth, and waited.....
The Guardian sat back on her haunches and examined the now unconscious Fannie. The young dragon seemed to be dreaming, if the slight twitching of muscles was any indication. The Guardian hoped her dreams were pleasant, because reality was certainly not going to be as inviting. It was just as well; the Guardian needed time to think.
As guardian of the clan, she made it her business to know what was going on at all times. She was not unaware of Fannie's little escapades into the human village, and she hadn't really been surprised to catch her trying to sneak away earlier. Had the report of an attack not come in, the younger dragon would never have made it as far as she did.
The question plaguing the Guardian was how had Fannie known there was going to be an attack? Or was it mere coincidence? It seemed odd to the Guardian that she'd burned a farewell note to her den mothers (something about seeing the world) and planned her departure at almost the precise moment the Northern tribes had come upon them. Was Fannie a traitor? Or was she just a victim of bad timing? Whatever she was, the Guardian was certain the girl was a fool. But it was out of her hands now. The Queen Mother would decide what to do with her.
"Hmmph. That'll teach ya to make fun of me", she mumbled under her breath. Still, it really wasn't any fun being alone in a corner when everyone else got to play. Wasn't her punishment over yet? She was certain she'd been there for quite some time. Perhaps the den mothers had forgotten about her. Well, she couldn't leave isolation until one of them came and got her. But what if no one ever did? What if she was there forever? What if she starved to death? The little one's mind began to race frantically with thoughts of impending doom. Terrified that she'd been forgotten, the young female called out:
"DEN MOTHER FAAUTHEEEIY'L! DEN MOTHER AKAHAAA-N! I'M READY TO GET UP NOW."
Fautheiy'l and Akaha-n looked at each other. The child was impossible. Fautheiy'l took a deep breath, and walked over to the place where the young dragon had been sitting for the last several moments. He cleared his throat.
"Now then, Fannie", he began....
"My name isn't Fannie! It's Faien'nithayah!" she protested.
Fautheiy'l wondered why she had been given such a ridiculously long name. He sighed. "Of course, child. Now then, Faien'nithayah, surely you realize how much larger you are in comparison to poor little Goanuth, hmmm? You know that as a male, he is much weaker than you. You are also older than he is by at least 2 full weeks! There is absolutely no excuse for such behavior-- no matter what the provocation. Now, if you can't control that temper of yours AND that flame--you will lose your outing privileges until the next New Moon."
Fannie, or Faien'nithayah, looked at the den mother, horrified. " The New Moon!! That's not until forever!" she wailed.
"It's actually only ten days from now. Nonetheless, it is your decision entirely. Either you can choose to behave or you can spend the next ten- day cycles in the isolation corner, while all of your well-behaved brothers and sisters get to play and have fun. Your choice?"
Fannie sighed. It was hard not to lose her temper, especially around dragons like Goanuth. Still, she new that Fautheiy'l meant business and that if she didn't give him the response he wanted, she very well could be old and gray by the time he let her go. Ten whole days stuck inside the den. How horrid! Finally, she spoke up."Alright. I promise to be good from now on. And I promise not set Goanuth on fire anymore."
Den mother Fautheiy'l nodded. He'd known that the threat would work. There was nothing worse to little dragons than being made to stay indoors. "Well, the lesson will be starting shortly," said Fautheiy'l. "Come along". Fannie nodded and hurried to join the group, which was already forming a large semi-circle. It was time for a lesson from one of the den mothers. She found her place, trying as best she could to steer clear of Goanuth, and waited.....
The Guardian sat back on her haunches and examined the now unconscious Fannie. The young dragon seemed to be dreaming, if the slight twitching of muscles was any indication. The Guardian hoped her dreams were pleasant, because reality was certainly not going to be as inviting. It was just as well; the Guardian needed time to think.
As guardian of the clan, she made it her business to know what was going on at all times. She was not unaware of Fannie's little escapades into the human village, and she hadn't really been surprised to catch her trying to sneak away earlier. Had the report of an attack not come in, the younger dragon would never have made it as far as she did.
The question plaguing the Guardian was how had Fannie known there was going to be an attack? Or was it mere coincidence? It seemed odd to the Guardian that she'd burned a farewell note to her den mothers (something about seeing the world) and planned her departure at almost the precise moment the Northern tribes had come upon them. Was Fannie a traitor? Or was she just a victim of bad timing? Whatever she was, the Guardian was certain the girl was a fool. But it was out of her hands now. The Queen Mother would decide what to do with her.
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Here Be Dragons (cont'd)
The Guardian rose from her place and motioned to the Keyholder. A young male dragon approached the cell. He paused briefly to glance at the sleeping prisoner and placed his talons on the stones that opened the heavy, sliding doors. "You may exit now Guardian", he said.
"Thank you." The odd look he?d given Fannie had not gone unnoticed by her. "What is your name?"
The young male lowered his head respectfully. "I am called Goanuth. It is a pleasure to serve the Queen Mother--may her flame burn forever! May the Guardian find favor, who stops the plans of all traitors!" He stole a glance at the prisoner once again. The Guardian sighed.
"We don't know that she is a traitor, yet. It is not our judgement, but that of the Queen Mother. In the meantime, the prisoner is secure and we needn't worry about her." The Guardian turned to exit the dungeon, not bothering to wait for Goanuth's reply. It was time to check on the Queen.
The Guardian turned down the corridor that led to the Queen Mother's secret room. When news of the attack had come, her first priority had been getting the queen to safety. There were secret passages and hidden rooms throughout the lair that only a few of the most trusted warriors and servants were aware of, and the Guardian was grateful that she'd been able to see to the task in enough time to go after the fleeing dragon. Truth be told, the Guardian could have sent someone else. But, in over 300 years of guarding the Queen Mother and Clan Aiken'yar, no one had ever managed to get past her--not friend and certainly not foe. The fact that Fannie had managed it somehow without really trying irked her somewhat. The Guardian had to admit, at least to herself, that going after Fannie was largely an act of a bruised ego. It was also to save face, of course. Letting Fannie get past her didn't look so bad as not bringing her back at all. The Guardian's thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Ithaene, the Queen Mother's chief handmaiden and close confidant:
"Hail Guardian. Do you bring news?" Ithaene waited.
"The last report I received from the scouts indicated that the battle was going in our favor, in spite of the circumstances. Rockbiters are incredibly powerful, but they are also incredibly slow and therefore are easy to get around. The Northern Clans overestimated themselves, it appears. It's not surprising, really." And here she paused. "But what bothers me is why they attacked from the direction they did. It's not like them to use the element of surprise. Northern clans are usually more predictable. And how did they convince a Rockbiter to join them? Our clan has no quarrel with their kind?"
Ithaene snorted derisively,"Well, after this we will certainly have quarrel with them! This has all been so stressful on the poor Queen...not to mention the handmaidens. But at least she is safe. These hidden passageways extend far beneath the actual lair, so even if the unthinkable should happen and we find ourselves defeated, or worse, demolished completely--the Queen Mother will remain unharmed. So, then,has the dragon you caught awakened? You really shouldn't have hit her so hard, you know".
The Guardian shook her head. "No, Mistress Ithaene, the prisoner still sleeps. I've instructed the Keyholder to notify me when she awakens."
"And we don't know why she was running away?" asked Ithaene.
"She was running off to join the humans. I should have been more prepared for this event, I suppose. It has been obvious for quite some time that the girl has had an unnatural interest in the creatures..." And indeed, it was most unnatural. Why would any sane dragon wish to leave behind the protection and traditions of the clan? Why would any sane dragon remove herself from the mighty wing of the Queen Mother just to live in drudgery with inferior beings? That's all a human was really--a mistake, a plague that had infested the lands.
The Guardian knew it was not always so. There was a time long before the Queen Mother herself, that there were no humans at all. No humans and no dragons either. The planet had been void of all life. And then one day the Great Dragon, Lycenthfaire, leaped from his home in the sky and landed here. The story was well known to most dragons, and most dragons agreed that Lycenthfaire was the Father of all dragonkind even if certain details of the story differed amongst the clans. The dragons had been here first and were far superior to the humans in everyway. How could anyone deny that?
Mistress Ithaene interrupted the Guardian's contemplations once again: "Are we sure that she was merely trying to join a human village? Not that that isn't grounds enough for death or exile, but how do we know she isn't a spy or a traitor? Odd that she planned her escape so close to an invasion, don't you think?"
"Indeed. In the end, it is for the Queen Mother to decide. However, a scout that I've had following her found a secret 'hiding place' where she'd been keeping some human paraphernalia, including a wig of sorts and some clothing. But I don't have time to go into further detail right now. How is the Queen?"
"The Queen Mother is well, thanks to you. She is expecting you, of course."
The Guardian nodded, bade Ithaene farewell and continued along her journey to the queen. The secret passageway was just around the corner. She made certain that no one followed her and then turned into the hidden alcove that led to her destination. It was then just a short walk to the place they had hidden the Queen Mother. She stopped just before the entrance and took a deep breath.
"I am here to see the Queen Mother--may her flame burn forever!" She announced to the dragon guarding the entryway. The guard responded:
"Hail to the Guardian! Hail to the protector of the queen and the clan. You may enter into the presence of the Queen Mother--may her flame burn forever!"
And with that, The Guardian of Clan Aiken'yar walked into the secret chambers of the Queen herself.
(to be continued)
"Thank you." The odd look he?d given Fannie had not gone unnoticed by her. "What is your name?"
The young male lowered his head respectfully. "I am called Goanuth. It is a pleasure to serve the Queen Mother--may her flame burn forever! May the Guardian find favor, who stops the plans of all traitors!" He stole a glance at the prisoner once again. The Guardian sighed.
"We don't know that she is a traitor, yet. It is not our judgement, but that of the Queen Mother. In the meantime, the prisoner is secure and we needn't worry about her." The Guardian turned to exit the dungeon, not bothering to wait for Goanuth's reply. It was time to check on the Queen.
The Guardian turned down the corridor that led to the Queen Mother's secret room. When news of the attack had come, her first priority had been getting the queen to safety. There were secret passages and hidden rooms throughout the lair that only a few of the most trusted warriors and servants were aware of, and the Guardian was grateful that she'd been able to see to the task in enough time to go after the fleeing dragon. Truth be told, the Guardian could have sent someone else. But, in over 300 years of guarding the Queen Mother and Clan Aiken'yar, no one had ever managed to get past her--not friend and certainly not foe. The fact that Fannie had managed it somehow without really trying irked her somewhat. The Guardian had to admit, at least to herself, that going after Fannie was largely an act of a bruised ego. It was also to save face, of course. Letting Fannie get past her didn't look so bad as not bringing her back at all. The Guardian's thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Ithaene, the Queen Mother's chief handmaiden and close confidant:
"Hail Guardian. Do you bring news?" Ithaene waited.
"The last report I received from the scouts indicated that the battle was going in our favor, in spite of the circumstances. Rockbiters are incredibly powerful, but they are also incredibly slow and therefore are easy to get around. The Northern Clans overestimated themselves, it appears. It's not surprising, really." And here she paused. "But what bothers me is why they attacked from the direction they did. It's not like them to use the element of surprise. Northern clans are usually more predictable. And how did they convince a Rockbiter to join them? Our clan has no quarrel with their kind?"
Ithaene snorted derisively,"Well, after this we will certainly have quarrel with them! This has all been so stressful on the poor Queen...not to mention the handmaidens. But at least she is safe. These hidden passageways extend far beneath the actual lair, so even if the unthinkable should happen and we find ourselves defeated, or worse, demolished completely--the Queen Mother will remain unharmed. So, then,has the dragon you caught awakened? You really shouldn't have hit her so hard, you know".
The Guardian shook her head. "No, Mistress Ithaene, the prisoner still sleeps. I've instructed the Keyholder to notify me when she awakens."
"And we don't know why she was running away?" asked Ithaene.
"She was running off to join the humans. I should have been more prepared for this event, I suppose. It has been obvious for quite some time that the girl has had an unnatural interest in the creatures..." And indeed, it was most unnatural. Why would any sane dragon wish to leave behind the protection and traditions of the clan? Why would any sane dragon remove herself from the mighty wing of the Queen Mother just to live in drudgery with inferior beings? That's all a human was really--a mistake, a plague that had infested the lands.
The Guardian knew it was not always so. There was a time long before the Queen Mother herself, that there were no humans at all. No humans and no dragons either. The planet had been void of all life. And then one day the Great Dragon, Lycenthfaire, leaped from his home in the sky and landed here. The story was well known to most dragons, and most dragons agreed that Lycenthfaire was the Father of all dragonkind even if certain details of the story differed amongst the clans. The dragons had been here first and were far superior to the humans in everyway. How could anyone deny that?
Mistress Ithaene interrupted the Guardian's contemplations once again: "Are we sure that she was merely trying to join a human village? Not that that isn't grounds enough for death or exile, but how do we know she isn't a spy or a traitor? Odd that she planned her escape so close to an invasion, don't you think?"
"Indeed. In the end, it is for the Queen Mother to decide. However, a scout that I've had following her found a secret 'hiding place' where she'd been keeping some human paraphernalia, including a wig of sorts and some clothing. But I don't have time to go into further detail right now. How is the Queen?"
"The Queen Mother is well, thanks to you. She is expecting you, of course."
The Guardian nodded, bade Ithaene farewell and continued along her journey to the queen. The secret passageway was just around the corner. She made certain that no one followed her and then turned into the hidden alcove that led to her destination. It was then just a short walk to the place they had hidden the Queen Mother. She stopped just before the entrance and took a deep breath.
"I am here to see the Queen Mother--may her flame burn forever!" She announced to the dragon guarding the entryway. The guard responded:
"Hail to the Guardian! Hail to the protector of the queen and the clan. You may enter into the presence of the Queen Mother--may her flame burn forever!"
And with that, The Guardian of Clan Aiken'yar walked into the secret chambers of the Queen herself.
(to be continued)
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
*gasp, wheeze!!!* *falls over with the effort of being creative*
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Which draft is this? Have you copied this from a program like Word and pasted it here? Also, are you just writing this on the forum as it comes to you? The reason I ask is the paragraph seperation needs some work, but if that's because you did a quick paste - I completely understand. 
Also, your voice, that is the one which is telling this story, needs to be more active. You have a lot of passive sentences. There's a book you can read, and if you're young, you'll realize this book which shouldn't take too long to read, will help you immensely in growth as a writer who can immediately draw in your reader: Rhetorical Grammar, Grammatical Choices, Rhetorical Effects, by Martha Kolln. Probably the greatest piece of advice I was given by my mentor/editor in the 90s.
Please understand, I like your imagination, it's worth showing, but I just think you can grow in technique. I have a short story in this "writing" section also, and brace myself for the lambasting. I need to practice writing constantly. Good work.
Also, your voice, that is the one which is telling this story, needs to be more active. You have a lot of passive sentences. There's a book you can read, and if you're young, you'll realize this book which shouldn't take too long to read, will help you immensely in growth as a writer who can immediately draw in your reader: Rhetorical Grammar, Grammatical Choices, Rhetorical Effects, by Martha Kolln. Probably the greatest piece of advice I was given by my mentor/editor in the 90s.
Please understand, I like your imagination, it's worth showing, but I just think you can grow in technique. I have a short story in this "writing" section also, and brace myself for the lambasting. I need to practice writing constantly. Good work.
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Actually, at the beginning of your work it was passive, but now it's picked up the pace to a more active ferver - better sentence structure. Practice does make perfect. Very interesting.
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
true_noir_chloe wrote:Which draft is this? Have you copied this from a program like Word and pasted it here? Also, are you just writing this on the forum as it comes to you? The reason I ask is the paragraph seperation needs some work, but if that's because you did a quick paste - I completely understand. ]Rhetorical Grammar, Grammatical Choices, Rhetorical Effects[/U], by Martha Kolln. Probably the greatest piece of advice I was given by my mentor/editor in the 90s.
Please understand, I like your imagination, it's worth showing, but I just think you can grow in technique. I have a short story in this "writing" section also, and brace myself for the lambasting. I need to practice writing constantly. Good work.
Thank you for the feedback
To answer,yes I copied from Word and pasted...and I am writing as it comes. It's completely off the top of my head....I have a specific destination in mind,but haven't planned the journey--if that makes sense. I've tried to fix the paragraph separation prob.,but haven't managed to figure it out... sorry if it makes the story hard to read
I have noticed some inconsistancies in the story,especially in terms of the writing style...all I can say is; this is the first story I've written in about 12 yrs. or so, and the first one I've ever posted in a forum. I have to agree that my technique could use some growth and improvement,which hopefully will come with practice. I also hope,quite sincerely, that it isn't too bad as far as the storyline itself goes--although, I've noticed some flaws where that's concerned as well.
Anyway, feedback/suggestions/corrective criticism-- are all definitely welcome. Thank you for recommending that book to me, I'll check it out as soon as I get the chance.
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
I'll give you the ISBN #: 0-02-365871-1 It may no longer be in print, but I hope this helps. It was a college graduate text for writing majors.
And, you sound like me. I hadn't written anything other than songs and music for the last eight years, and just recently started writing again. It does take a lot of practice.
And, you sound like me. I hadn't written anything other than songs and music for the last eight years, and just recently started writing again. It does take a lot of practice.
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! 
Help! I have too many ideas floating in my head and can't seem to write them....
*considering blowing up the entire cast and being done with it*
Help! I have too many ideas floating in my head and can't seem to write them....
*considering blowing up the entire cast and being done with it*
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
-
Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Please continue!Here Be Dragons
Goanuth eyed the prisoner with contempt. He wasn't really surprised to see her there. It had been obvious since they were hatchlings that something was wrong with her. At first, it wasn't anything he could put a talon on; but, then, one day Goanuth had a revelation into her character that had sealed his hatred forever. He leaned against the cold dungeon wall and reflected upon that fateful day.
They weren't more than 75 years old at the time, he recalled. All of the lessons of the day had ended, and they had found themselves, he and his "siblings", with an unusual amount of free time. The den mothers, he'd noticed, weren't quite as overprotective any more and was actually allowing some of them to venture further away from the lair. Faien'nithayah was certainly taking advantage of this newfound freedom. He watched her fly off in the direction of the nearby river. Goanuth didn't bother to hide the look of disdain on his face. They had been in yet another quarrel that very morning until den mother Sah'eyl had put a stop to it. He didn't quite understand his animosity towards her, but he felt an incredible urge to inflict pain upon her whenever she was near. Perhaps they were simply destined to be enemies. And that suited Goanuth just fine.
With a last look around, he walked off in the direction he'd seen her go. It wasn't necessarily his plan to follow her, but he had spotted some interesting looking rocks near the riverbed a few days earlier and was curious to see if there were anymore. Goanuth liked rocks, especially shiny ones. Den mother Fautheiy'l had commented on more than one occasion that he would probably excel in hording. Some dragons, like Faien'nithayah--or Fannie, as she seemed to be fond of calling herself lately--didn't appreciate the skill it took to master such an art. Goanuth reflected bitterly that the reason was probably because it all came so easily for her. She was slightly older, obviously something to consider, but he always seemed to lag behind her. Fannie, for example, was already flying long distances and had even managed to learn some of the tricks that the older dragons knew. He could barely fly at all yet and then only for a short distance. The den mothers assured him that male dragons developed more slowly and he shouldn't be discouraged, but Goanuth knew that some of the other males his age were already advancing past him.
He snorted irritably, a puff off smoke exuding from his nostrils. That was another thing...fire. Goanuth had been behind everyone in that department as well. In fact, it wasn't until just recently that he'd been able to create an actual flame and hold it for more than a few seconds! It seemed his fate to be the runt of the litter and forever behind.
Lost in thought, Goanuth walked right past his intended destination, his treasure hunt temporarily forgotten. With every step his mood blackened and his contempt for Fannie grew. He was suddenly stopped short by a barricade of disheveled foliage and realized he'd gone farther than he'd intended. Goanuth was in the process of turning around when the sound of voices halted his steps. One voice he recognized quite easily. Fannie. Goanuth crouched low and tried to remain as silent as possible. Who was she talking to?
After a few moments of searching, he managed to find an opening in the brush. Goanuth parted the leaves enough to glimpse the other side and could barely contain a gasp of surprise from betraying his presence. There were no rocks or cliffs large enough to blend into, so he knew he had to be more cautious than usual. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Fannie would have been able to spot him regardless. He supposed it was in his favor that the wind was blowing his scent in the opposite direction.
Goanuth quietly assessed the situation. Almost directly in front of him, Fannie stood, her back turned and her body stiff with a mixture of caution and curiosity. She seemed to be frozen, but not in any sort of peril and she was looking directly at a strange creature which Goanuth wasn't certain he recognized at first. It took a moment for the years of lessons to catch up. Then he realized, with horror, that Fannie was looking into the eyes of a human being. Male or female, Goanuth wasn't certain,but there was no mistaking it--it was definitely a human.
The human stood perfectly still. It didn't seem at all perturbed, but it gazed calmly into the face that towered above it. Fannie cocked her head to the side, evidently studying this new creature. She had never seen a human before either. Goanuth knew that it was unlawful to reveal one's self to a human and so did Fannie. Why was she standing there? Why hadn't she blended at the first sight of this thing that now stood before her? Yet she defied all tradition and wise council. She stood completely uncovered before a being that was considered beneath contempt!
The human suddenly broke the silence, "Nayeng dae theral'gh!"
Goanuth drew back startled. The human...the human spoke High Dragon? It wasn't possible! Its accent was very unusual and it lacked the ability to produce the necessary smoke or flame; nevertheless, the human was speaking in High Dragon. Goanuth had not yet mastered the language and could only understand a few words, but he knew the sound of it, which was much different from the common language his Clan spoke in everyday circumstances.
He watched Fannie shake her head in disbelief. What had the human said to her? Goanuth's blood began to boil in anger. How was it that a human could speak High Dragon and he could not?! He clenched his jaw shut and surpressed a growl.
Fannie still hadn't moved. In fact she sat now in a relaxed posture, not seeming to mind that the human had inched closer. It continued to speak.."Outotanya lanig ina?" Goanuth didn't understand what was being said. But Fannie was much farther advanced in High Dragon. She lowered her head and answered the human. It appeared to Goanuth that she was giving the creature her name! That was unthinkable! To let one's self be seen and to add to the insult by enganging in conversation and giving your name like you would to a friend or Clan member?? It was too much. She had gone too far. Goanuth silently backed away from the scene he'd just witnessed and turned back in the direction of the lair. Someone had to know of this.
Goanuth half flew half ran back to entrance. He couldn't see the Guardian, but he knew she was nearby. The Guardian was a master at concealing herself, but she was never far from her post unless it was absolutely necessary. He could have gone to a den mother, but the young male had decided that they probably would not have taken the matter seriously enough. It was the Guardian's sacred duty to protect both Queen and Clan. Fannie had endangered both with her blatant disregard of Clan Law; therefore, it was the Guardian who should be told as far as Goanuth was concerned.
He called out, requesting an audience. Goanuth made sure she knew it was urgent. There was a brief moment of stillness, and then the Guardian appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Goanuth wondered where she'd come from but realized that she was staring at him, one brow-ridge slightly raised.
"You asked to speak with me?" She prompted.
They weren't more than 75 years old at the time, he recalled. All of the lessons of the day had ended, and they had found themselves, he and his "siblings", with an unusual amount of free time. The den mothers, he'd noticed, weren't quite as overprotective any more and was actually allowing some of them to venture further away from the lair. Faien'nithayah was certainly taking advantage of this newfound freedom. He watched her fly off in the direction of the nearby river. Goanuth didn't bother to hide the look of disdain on his face. They had been in yet another quarrel that very morning until den mother Sah'eyl had put a stop to it. He didn't quite understand his animosity towards her, but he felt an incredible urge to inflict pain upon her whenever she was near. Perhaps they were simply destined to be enemies. And that suited Goanuth just fine.
With a last look around, he walked off in the direction he'd seen her go. It wasn't necessarily his plan to follow her, but he had spotted some interesting looking rocks near the riverbed a few days earlier and was curious to see if there were anymore. Goanuth liked rocks, especially shiny ones. Den mother Fautheiy'l had commented on more than one occasion that he would probably excel in hording. Some dragons, like Faien'nithayah--or Fannie, as she seemed to be fond of calling herself lately--didn't appreciate the skill it took to master such an art. Goanuth reflected bitterly that the reason was probably because it all came so easily for her. She was slightly older, obviously something to consider, but he always seemed to lag behind her. Fannie, for example, was already flying long distances and had even managed to learn some of the tricks that the older dragons knew. He could barely fly at all yet and then only for a short distance. The den mothers assured him that male dragons developed more slowly and he shouldn't be discouraged, but Goanuth knew that some of the other males his age were already advancing past him.
He snorted irritably, a puff off smoke exuding from his nostrils. That was another thing...fire. Goanuth had been behind everyone in that department as well. In fact, it wasn't until just recently that he'd been able to create an actual flame and hold it for more than a few seconds! It seemed his fate to be the runt of the litter and forever behind.
Lost in thought, Goanuth walked right past his intended destination, his treasure hunt temporarily forgotten. With every step his mood blackened and his contempt for Fannie grew. He was suddenly stopped short by a barricade of disheveled foliage and realized he'd gone farther than he'd intended. Goanuth was in the process of turning around when the sound of voices halted his steps. One voice he recognized quite easily. Fannie. Goanuth crouched low and tried to remain as silent as possible. Who was she talking to?
After a few moments of searching, he managed to find an opening in the brush. Goanuth parted the leaves enough to glimpse the other side and could barely contain a gasp of surprise from betraying his presence. There were no rocks or cliffs large enough to blend into, so he knew he had to be more cautious than usual. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Fannie would have been able to spot him regardless. He supposed it was in his favor that the wind was blowing his scent in the opposite direction.
Goanuth quietly assessed the situation. Almost directly in front of him, Fannie stood, her back turned and her body stiff with a mixture of caution and curiosity. She seemed to be frozen, but not in any sort of peril and she was looking directly at a strange creature which Goanuth wasn't certain he recognized at first. It took a moment for the years of lessons to catch up. Then he realized, with horror, that Fannie was looking into the eyes of a human being. Male or female, Goanuth wasn't certain,but there was no mistaking it--it was definitely a human.
The human stood perfectly still. It didn't seem at all perturbed, but it gazed calmly into the face that towered above it. Fannie cocked her head to the side, evidently studying this new creature. She had never seen a human before either. Goanuth knew that it was unlawful to reveal one's self to a human and so did Fannie. Why was she standing there? Why hadn't she blended at the first sight of this thing that now stood before her? Yet she defied all tradition and wise council. She stood completely uncovered before a being that was considered beneath contempt!
The human suddenly broke the silence, "Nayeng dae theral'gh!"
Goanuth drew back startled. The human...the human spoke High Dragon? It wasn't possible! Its accent was very unusual and it lacked the ability to produce the necessary smoke or flame; nevertheless, the human was speaking in High Dragon. Goanuth had not yet mastered the language and could only understand a few words, but he knew the sound of it, which was much different from the common language his Clan spoke in everyday circumstances.
He watched Fannie shake her head in disbelief. What had the human said to her? Goanuth's blood began to boil in anger. How was it that a human could speak High Dragon and he could not?! He clenched his jaw shut and surpressed a growl.
Fannie still hadn't moved. In fact she sat now in a relaxed posture, not seeming to mind that the human had inched closer. It continued to speak.."Outotanya lanig ina?" Goanuth didn't understand what was being said. But Fannie was much farther advanced in High Dragon. She lowered her head and answered the human. It appeared to Goanuth that she was giving the creature her name! That was unthinkable! To let one's self be seen and to add to the insult by enganging in conversation and giving your name like you would to a friend or Clan member?? It was too much. She had gone too far. Goanuth silently backed away from the scene he'd just witnessed and turned back in the direction of the lair. Someone had to know of this.
Goanuth half flew half ran back to entrance. He couldn't see the Guardian, but he knew she was nearby. The Guardian was a master at concealing herself, but she was never far from her post unless it was absolutely necessary. He could have gone to a den mother, but the young male had decided that they probably would not have taken the matter seriously enough. It was the Guardian's sacred duty to protect both Queen and Clan. Fannie had endangered both with her blatant disregard of Clan Law; therefore, it was the Guardian who should be told as far as Goanuth was concerned.
He called out, requesting an audience. Goanuth made sure she knew it was urgent. There was a brief moment of stillness, and then the Guardian appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Goanuth wondered where she'd come from but realized that she was staring at him, one brow-ridge slightly raised.
"You asked to speak with me?" She prompted.
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
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- Location: Somewhere between here and there
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