I wanted a bit to sign out, since this is personal and I know I'm still not considered as a friend to anyone here yet, so I was a bit afraid to open my "real life" as much as this here. But I thought maybe I could get a bit more help if you knew who I was.
I am having trouble loving in my family, my brother and my father.
My brother is... I mentioned it before but I don't feel like mentioning it again, really, but. I will say: he likes to look at pornographic. A lot. Cartoon pornography. Each day it's like he's becoming a stranger. he watches bad shows on television, and when he watches "good" shows he goes on the internet to find porn about them. My parents of course, know nothing about.
Now, I feel like a big hypocrite telling you this, because "before" Christ I did resemble this alot, although young I basically ruined my last years as a 'child'. But I think that's why he's becoming like a stranger. Because before we discussed the bad shows and bad movie, but now I hate them and he still likes them. I close my room, and then he just barges in "Hey, did you-- Why are you reading the Bible?" "Because it's important to me!" I screamed because I was frightened... He awkwardly gives me this grimace and shuts the door walks away.
Then, my father... I don't like him. I try my best to be nice to him and friendly and love him but he just. Thinks I want something from him, or I just want to make fun of him. I guess he has reason to think this because I did this before as well, but since the 'it' I haven't done. But now we just have arguments, or just silence between us. Except when I do something wrong or I'm in the way, he swears or something... and it makes me so mad, so I start to argue. Mostly we argue about my future, which I don't want to think about because I like to think of right now. But he always says "Hey, stop your stupid drawings and go do something useful" or "So-and-so is a good career. They make alot of money. Not like artist, who starve on the side of the street." And he is very racist (but he doesn't think so) and this starts alot of arguments too. You know what? Now I realize, if he knew what I was doing on this board I wouldn't be able to come here, because most people here are "freak" and "delusional" and "blasphemy" in his own words.... If he knew I didn't consider myself in any denomination and just thought myself as "Christian" he would argue. If he knew of any spiritual experience I had he would blow up.
I know this might sound like a rant of some kind, but I really wish for help, any kind of help!
If you think this is innapropriate or such you can lock it... who know, maybe I'm just tired or something. Maybe I just need rest or maybe I ate something that made me depressed.
