Tragically Comic

[Zilch]

Ladies and gentlemen, Zilch the playwright brings forth a new series of events from his own life, in his latest play...

Tragically Comic

A play by Zilch

Dramatus Makefunofus:

Zilch
Zilch's brother, Nick
Gypsy
Lightbringer/Aaron
Shatterheart
Various members of CAA
Various people in Zilch's life that allow hilarity to ensue

Act 1, Scene 1

(The scene opens to the sight of a bed with a mishappen lump on the middle that might be a 16-year-old haphazardly covered in blankets, with an ever-growing pile of drool next to him. His alarm clock clicks from 6:59 to 7:00, and his alarm, blindside's "Swallow", kicks in and blares at a vertebrae-shattering decibility directly in his right ear. His fist comes down and strikes the alarm clock, causing it to make a sound similar to a backhoe trying to grind through solid steel...and he doesn't stir until two hours later...)

Zilch's mom: Zilch, honey, you need to get up...Zilch?ZILCH!!!!!!!

(Nothing happens. She checks his pulse(just to be sure), and promptly picks up his matress and flings it against the wall.)

THUMP!

Zilch: Peanutbutterjellynoclownno!NomoregravypleaseI'mrunningoutof...ham..sters...oh, come on, Mom, five more minutes, 'k?
Zilch's mom: No, you're already late for work!
Zilch: Mom, I don't have a job yet...
Zilch's mom: ...oh...well, get one sometime today...
Zilch: Can't I just be a welfare bum?
Zilch's mom: You already are, in a sense.
Zilch: That's because I'm practicing!
Zilch's mom: Shut up and go get a freaking job.
Zilch: Okay...

(Five hours later, we find Zilch in front of his PS2, eyes beginning to bloodshot.)

Zilch: NO! Lulu can't attack! Her attack is spooty! GAH! What is Auron doing with an Iron Bangle? Didn't I equip a new one on him. Ooo...Rikku's turn...(pauses the game to stare)...wasn't I supposed to do something?

(He is on the verge of remembering when he turns his attention back to the game.)

Zilch: Oh, well...hey, I need to go into Bangor and buy a new game...

(After begging his sister to give him a ride, they arrive in Electronics Botique.)

Gypsy: Remember, you have to call and tell Mom what you're buying.
Zilch: Oh...right...(dials his home number on Gypsy's cell). Hey, mom.
Zilch's mom: So what are you getting?
Zilch: Diablo, Diablo 2, Everquest, Grand Theft Auto 3, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and Doom 3.
Zilch's mom: Do they have and of those evil Pokemans?
Zilch: It's Pokemon, mom...and, no. They don't. They contain large amounts of adolenscent fun, like blood, gore, violence, the shredding of innocents, and enough language to make Leibermann try to pass that no-games bill again.
Zilch's mom: Well, as long as there's no Pokemon...okay.

(Gypsy, who had been listening intently, looks at Zilch with a sense of incredulty.)

Gypsy: How did you do that?
Zilch: Focus on pros, eliminate cons.
Gypsy: ...you suck...I want a muffin. Buy me a muffin.
Zilch: No.

(Shatterheart appears from behind the LOTR display of Legolas and bats Zilch's knees with a crowbar.)

Shatterheart: Get me one, too.

(Lightbringer, who got a crappier hiding spot, comes out from behind the Everquest display. He flicks Zilch in the ear.)

Lightbringer: Me, too, Aaron B.

(Soon, all the controlling admins of Zilch's life, online and offline, are enjoying blueberry muffins. Zilch gets a rock.)

Zilch: Why do I get a rock?
Shatterheart: Because you suck.
Zilch: ...oh...

[CobaltAngel]

Zilch: Focus on pros, eliminate cons.

Blood, gore, violence, the shredding of innocents, and bad langauge...?

[Lehn]

I don't know if I should laugh and point or send you a blueberry muffin and a Rikkku plushie...

[Zilch]

A...a...Rikku plushie?...?...?...?...(faints)...yay...

[Lehn]

Hmmmmm… *pokes fainted Zilch* Sorry kido, apparently all the other fanboys kidnapped all the plushies. But I found her, so here's your chance to ask her out on a date....



Borrowed long-term from: http://www.creativeuncut.com/album/whit033.gif

[Ashley]

Zilch, where's my muffin?

[SManBeyond]

Nice Zilch, but I just have one question...

Do you know the muffin man?

[c-girl]

The muffin man?...

SmanBeyond: *nods* The muffin.

[Solid Ronin]

Hmmmmm… *pokes fainted Zilch* Sorry kido, apparently all the other fanboys kidnapped all the plushies. But I found her, so here's your chance to ask her out on a date.... ]http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v297/FireAngel2707/rikku_comic.jpg[/IMG]

Borrowed long-term from: http://www.creativeuncut.com/album/whit033.gif

OH GOT WHATS THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Destroyer2000]

I know what to do....laugh. Laugh insanely until I can't breathe. That's what I'md oing right know...hence the typos.

[AngelSakura]

SManBeyond: Do you know the Muffin Man?
Zilch: The Muffin Man?
AngelSakura: The Muffin Man.

Once, when I was in France, my brother ate a green muffin and threw up in the subway.
Oh, and good story.

[CobaltAngel]

Yeah, do you have any pictures?

[kaji]

I guess you omitted the part where the “Welfare Bumâ€

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 2
IM Troubles

(Disclaimer: None of these names are actual IM screen names. All are simply their CAA SN's. Don't try to use them, because you WILL look foolish when it doesn't work. Also, any names I may call you are completely for artistic use only. Don't take it seriously. I really don't think this way of you. Really.)

(Zilch is on his computer late at night.)

Zilch: Ah...time to sit back and watch Strong Bad e-mails...

(A little box pops up, "CobaltAngel has signed in")

Zilch: Oh, it's Coby! Well...maybe I can ignore her...

(Just as he reaches to turn his away message on, another message pops up.)

Zilch: (reading)"Ashley has signed in" Eep! I need to get that away message up.

(Again, moving his mouse to the toolbar, four boxes pop up at once...

"The Maurading Manic has signed in. Kaji has signed in. UC doesn't have IM, but I'm mentioning him anyway. Calbhach has signed in.")

Zilch: GAH! I just want peace and qui-(little blip noise)
CobaltAngel: Hi, Zilch!
Zilch: (typing)oh, hey, Coby!(thinking)shutupshutupshutup...
CobaltAngel: How are you?
Zilch: (typing)Oh, I'm okay.(thinking)I was a crapload better before you showed up

(Another blippy noise)

TMM: Hi, Zilch.
Zilch: (typing)Oh, hey.(thinking)Not another one!
CobaltAngel: Hey, Zilch, can I ask you something?
Zilch: (typing)Sure...(thinking)...if it's about how you can leave quicker...

(Two more blippy sounds, and two of Zilch's everyday friends, like...not the online ones, sign on)

Angela: Hey, Zilch!
Zilch: (typing)shh! Anj! You're in my play online! You can't use my real name!(thinking)Greeaat...now everyone knows my name, Anj...now I'm gonna get phone calls from creepy people at all hours of the day...
Chad: hI, zilccH.
Zilch: (typing)Evening, Chad.(thinking)Ever heard of Hooked on Phonics?
CobaltAngel: You didn't answer my question!
Zilch: (typing)You didn't ask a question, Coby.(thinking)Wow. This must be history. A human with the memory span of a goldfish.
TMM: You watched the new Strong Bad e-mail yet?
Zilch: (typing)nope(thinking)not yet, but once all you people give me a moment to myself, I might...
Kaji: Buenos Dias, Zilch.
Zilch: (typing)Buenos Dias, Kaji.(thinking)...stupido grande gordo vacha el bano amigo Juan...
Chad: How r u?
Zilch: (typing)I've been better(thinking) AH! 1337 speak!
Angela: Our teacher is such a meanie!
Zilch: (typing)Re-heel-y?(thinking)they're always mean to blondes...
Ashley: Zilch, you're in trouble!
Zilch: (typing) Now what did I do?(thinking) Admins suck.
CobaltAngel: So what to you think?
Zilch: (typing) about what? (thinking) aren't you supposed to be in a fish tank at a Chinese restaurant somewhere?
Chad: kkewl.
Zilch: (typing) mmm. (thinking) One word: Webster
Ashley: UC says you called him Amish again
Zilch: (typing) I DID NOT! (thinking) not recently...
Angela: She gave me loads of homework!
Zilch: (typing) poor girl...(thinking) It's rough being that stupid...
Kaji: Como es ta?
Zilch: (typing) gordo (thinking) Do I look like I'm from Mexico or something?
Ashley: Well, I'm going to have to ban you.
Zilch: (typing) Why? (thinking) 'bout time. Didn't she notice my Texan hatemongering website?
CobaltAngel: So, yeah, I'm gonna do that, since you said I could.
Zilch: (typing) Whatever (thinking) Shouldn't you be floating belly-up from the lack of water...and brains?
TMM: I swear, my sister has the memory of a goldfish!
Zilch: (typing) you're telling me! (thinking)you're telling me!
Ashley: Well, there you go. You're banned.
Zilch: (typing)Oh.(thinking) Free, free, I'm free at last! Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!
CobaltAngel: So you want them?
Zilch: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!(typing and thinking)

(He kicks his computer and rips out the power cord. Days later, he finds a package of goldfish on his doorstep from a miss CobaltAngel.)

Calbhach: Oh, sorry Zilch. I got kicked off and forgotten on this thread. What'd I miss?

[kaji]

?Como estas senior Zilcho?
?Yo todos los vamos tu amigo juan?
si si. !!!No voy a la complianos en el nueve de ocho!!!!

Yo gordo es mui suprendido!! Tu junlanio mositos en Mehicano!!!

YEEEE-PA YEEEE-PA UNDERE UNDERE YEEEEEEE-PAA!!!

[TheMelodyMaker]

This is why I don't use IM programs.

[Ashley]

?Como estas senior Zilcho?
?Yo todos los vamos tu amigo juan?
si si. !!!No voy a la complianos en el nueve de ocho!!!!

Yo gordo es mui suprendido!! Tu junlanio mositos en Mehicano!!!

YEEEE-PA YEEEE-PA UNDERE UNDERE YEEEEEEE-PAA!!!

Um, I know the irony of this is classic, but I'm a native Texan who speaks zilcho (grins) Spanish. Can you translate?

[kaji]

Umm, *cough* yahhh..... Tthere isnt really anthing to translate here...

I kind hurled my self at teh language barriar with that one.

[CobaltAngel]

So that's why you never answer when I ask you questions or for advice... wait... what was I talking about again?

[Zarn Ishtare]

You know, you could always mention us in your plays, my man...you know, nicely....without making me sound like a snot nose ten year old. Somthing Good? There might be a Title of Official Playwright of the Knights of C.A.A in it for you...

[Zarn Ishtare]

hmm...what does HUba mean?

[Lehn]

You know, you could always mention us in your plays, my man...you know, nicely....without making me sound like a snot nose ten year old. Somthing Good? There might be a Title of Official Playwright of the Knights of C.A.A in it for you...

*sniff* *sniff* Is that… the faint scent of bribery I smell?

[Zarn Ishtare]

Faint? I laid it on pretty thick, thank you very much..

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 3
Six Flags, New England

(Zilch is on his computer, puttering around CAA.)

Zilch: Hmm...a Christian anime fan against Christians liking anime...I always love a good oxymoron...

(The phone rings. Zilch falls over backwards, gets tangled in the phone cords, accidentally kicks his dog and bass guitar, turns on his PS2 while trying to get his balance back. He finally picks up the phone.)

Zilch: H'lo?
Voice: Hello?
Zilch: Hello?
Voice: Hello?

(After a few more minutes of this stimulating conversation, Zilch realizes that one end of the phone is for talking, and the other one is for listening. He flips it around.)

Zilch: Okay...hello?
Voice: Hey, Zilch. It's Jeff.
Zilch: Oh, hi.
Jeff: Hey, listen, some slot opened up on my youth group's trip to Six Flags New England. You wanna go?
Zilch: What you say?
Jeff: I said...
Zilch: No, no, no, I know what you said, I'm just making an exlamation in my elation.
Jeff: Oh. Okay.

(A day later, at the top of the Superman: Ride of Steel(tm)...)

Zilch: WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING, INVITING ME TO THIS PLACE!?
Jeff: Because...this is fun?
Zilch: YOU CALL DROPPING FAST ENOUGH TO BREAK THE SPEED OF LIGHT F
U
U
U
U
U
U
U
U
U
U
U
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
(hey, gimme some poetic license, the thing's 211 feet of straight droping)
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
!
!
!

Jeff: Whooo! Wasn't that fun?

(Zilch detatches his now-evident lunch of buffalo wings and fries from his forehead.)

Zilch: No. You suck for bringing me. I'm gonna go play video games in the arcade.
Jeff: Oh, come on, let's go on the Flashback!
Zilch: No. I refuse to move. I will not move, even if a meteor lands on my head and I'm banned from playing Final Fantasy for life.

(A few minutes later, strapped in on the Flashback...)

Zilch: Hey! There's no free coffee! Liar!
Jeff: Nope.
Zilch: GAH! This thing has loops!...oh...okay...I can handle loooooooooppppssssss!

(Yes, the ride just took off. After finishing the two loops and the corkscrew, Zilch breathes a sigh of relief.)

Zilch: Well, that wasn't so bad.
Jeff: Oh, but now it goes backwards!
Zilch: What?!?!? Sdrawkcab!!??

(Once more, the ride takes off at the speed of a video gamer getting out of hearing range of Senator Leibermann*, but this time backwards.)

Zilch: Ffej! Uoy Kcus!!!!

To be continued...

*Leibermann really hates video games. In fact, he wants them banned. Just so you know.

[CobaltAngel]

Yrev llew nettirw dna ynnuf!!!

[Kinkosami]

Lol This is really funny. Keep it going!

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 4
Trapped in Six Flags, Part 2

(Zilch is staring at a different ride, the Nightwing.)

Zilch: You want to ride THAT?
Jeff: Sure.
Zilch: You ride on your stomach...
Jeff: Uh-huh.
Zilch:...while you spin around at 40 miles per second...
Jeff: Yup.
Zilch: ...all this turning sideways and upside-down?
Jeff: Oh, yeah!
Zilch: No. I will NOT get on this ride! And I'm not gullible enough to think that they serve free caffinated beverages!

(A few minutes later, they're both strapped in.)

Zilch: What? HEY! There's no LCD screen showing streaming video from the latest E3! You suuuuu....

(Zilch would be yelling at his deranged friend right now, but that's hard to do at speeds of Mach 3. Zilch is just promising God that his tithes will go to the new carpet needed in the church sanctuary, when the ride starts to speed up. Unable to take the stress, the arms of the ride break off, sending their hapless riders flying into oblivion. Zilch wakes up at the top of a slide in the waterpark nearby.)

Zilch: Oh, my head...AH! I'm still strapped in!

(As he struggles to get out, Zilch rocks the seat/impromtu prison. Unaware he is rocking closer to the edge of a 50 foot slide, Zilch continues his efforts.)

Zilch: (biting his seat belt) Erg, uhmph, gruunn, mmmmpph! This is on tight enough...hmm? Is that a breeze I detect? (looking down the slide he is currently setting the new land speed record on) Oh...spoot...

(Zilch hurtles down the slide at his breakneck pace, water spraying off in all directions, soaking pedestrians below and shorting out cell phones. He lands with a Shamu-ish splashdown, causing a tsumani that takes out six little kids taking swimming lessons, a few yuppies with Nokias in hand, and a 64-year-old guy in a Speedo.

Zilch awakens in a hospital bed. Jeff is next to him, smiling sheepishly.)

Jeff: Hi...
Zilch: Get out of this sterile environment before I aquaint you with Mr. Hypodermic Needle.

[Kinkosami]

That was good. Keep it going! Your good at this

[shooraijin]

To those who don't know how to speak AlBhed, use this:
http://www.pixelscapes.com/twoflower/albhed.html

[Saint Kevin]

No need for Rikku's answer...I just translated from letters already given.
It's nope. (they didn't give the p, but you can infer that)