Day In The Life of the GRG

[mechana2015]

Can I come back yet?

[kirakira]

*bounces and claps* A 50 caliber gun with unlimited ammo? fuuuuuun. *grins and strokes it as she waits for more*

[Zilch]

Scene 4
Kamehameha Cow?

(The GRG is dropped once more into...

A CATTLE FARM?)

Zilch: What's with this?
Skynes: Weird...
Kirakira: what? No weapons?

(Gypsy comes striding up, fodder bucket in on hand and a grin widely spread across her face.)

Gypsy: Ain't it great?
Kirakira: NO!
Gypsy: Of course it is! Don't be silly!
Kirakira: There needs to be violence to make a game any good? Where's the guns? Missiles? Moltov cocktails?
Gypsy: Oh, don't be daft, dear Kirakira. Come, I'll show you how to milk the cows.

(Gypsy drags a kicking and screaming Kirakira to the dairy building.)

Kirakira: NOOOOOO!!!!!
UC: Oooo! Chickens! (he runs over and begins scattering birdseed) I love chickens!
Calbh: Holy spoot! A horse! I always wanted a horse!

(Zilch mumbles something about horse being walking dog food.)

Calbh: I heard that!

(Meanwhile, Skynes, Spencer, and Ekul are assigned to tending to the crops.)

Skynes: Alright. Plants need water, right?
Spencer: Right.
Skynes: And we don't want to spend a whole lot of time on this, right?
Ekul: Right.
Skynes: So I sez we make an irrigation canal.
Spencer: Where are we getting the water from?
Skynes:...umm... that pool over there, with the tent next to it.

(In the dairy building...)

Gypsy: Okay, Kirakira, we just put the bucket under the cow, and pull gently but firmly on it to get the milk to come out...okay...you try...
Kirakira:...oh, fine...

(Kirakira's pull resembles a Mac truck taking a jackrabbit for a drag. The cow runs off, with milk squirting everywhere like a miniture fire hose, with Gypsy and Kirakira getting plastered to the wall from the blasts.)

Kirakira: GAH! GYPSY! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OOOOFFFFFF!!!

(Meanwhile...)

UC: Chickens, lalalalala, I love chickens...oh, here, you get as much, you can have some more, little one. Hey, you two, don't hog it all! Oh, Mrs. Hen, what a beautiful egg! When's it hatching?...

(Yeah, it's okay, I'm weirded out, too...)

Skynes: We need to dig this tunnel deeper, guys!
Spencer: Are you sure we're going the right way?
Skynes: Of course, I'm sure! We're headed straight for the pond!
Ekul: What's that mooing sound?

(In the dairy building...the cow is still spraying milk over all and sundry. )

Gypsy: Quick! Toss me that cork!

(Kirakira gives Gypsy the cork that was conviently nearby, and she jumps on the cow with a Hulk Hogan-esque tackle, plugging the rebel udder securely.)

Gypsy: There! Now wasn't that fun?
Kirakira: If that was fun, I'm sure sliding down a razor blade into a nice pool of alcohol would be a Disney vacation...
Gypsy: (laughing merrily) Oh, come now Kirakira, show some adventureous spirit!
Kirakira: Is that cow growing?

(Underneath the barn, Skynes, Spencer, and Ekul prepare to break through.)

Skynes: Can't you hear that rumbling? That means there's water nearby!
Spencer: Or trouble...

(The unfortunate trio pop above ground...

just...

as...

the cow...

EXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

The titanic eruption on a DBZesque scale demolishes the entire barn, shoots out across the entire farm, taking UC's chickens, Calbhach's horsey, and some old dude taking his Metemucil. UC brings his head up, dripping in lactose goodness...)

UC: MYYYYY CHIIIIICCCCKKKKEEEENNNNNNSSSS!!!!

(UC breaks down sobbing as the world around the GRG changes once more.)

[Zilch]

Author's Second Act OOC Troubles, Part 1

Ashley: HOooooooowwwwdddddeeeeee, y'aaaaaallllll! C'n aahhh beee in the next sceeenee!
Zilch: Sorry, cowgirl, we already did the farm sce-
Ashley: WUT?!?!?
Zilch: Well, I can only see that you would fit in one of these sce-
Ashley: Nyyowww listen hur, budddieee! Is that a Texyan fat joke, er sumthin'?!
Zilch: Ah! Back off!(pulls out anti-Texan spray)

(This scene is merely to annoy a certain admin of CAA. This does not nessessarily reflect the actions of all Texans. But, in the event you actually act this way, pleaase, by all means, continue to do so. Just...stop drolling on my carpet...)

[Ashley]

Cute, y'all. Real cute. *sulks away to plot Zilch's demise*

[inkhana]

*kicks Zilch in the fanny* That was for Ashley, ya Harvest Moon lovin' freak!

...

...

Wait a second, I like Harvest Moon too...

I gotta come up with better insults.

[Ashley]

All the same, you show him Texan Sister!

[Zilch]

(pulls out anti-Texan spray) Don't make me use this!

[Stephen]

Below is an IM convo that just took place.



Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
*slides baseball bat from sleeve into his hand*
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
*tosses a paper down with the newest days in the life of CRG*
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
comments against the queen must be dealt with
Zilch says:
noooo!
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
oh come on
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
take your beating like a man
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
or i will post this convo
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
*cracks Zilch in the kneecap with the bat*
Zilch says:
oh, please?
Zilch says:
AHHHH!!!
Zilch says:
nooo!
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
*cracks the other one*
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
puts bat back into coat
Zilch says:
take my marble collection! My LIttle Ponies! ANYTHING!
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
you make me sick....
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
*spits*
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
*calls Zilches brother for him*
Steve (http://nova-pit.cjb.net/) <---the best site your browser will ever load says:
let him pick you up and get you to the hospital

[Ashley]

*conspires with Ink to wire a Texas-sized amount of extra cash into Shatterheart's bank account*

[inkhana]

Yes, I believe Steve has some kind of reward coming for his brave deed...haha

That'll show Zilch who's the boss around here! LOL

[The_Marauding_Maniac]

O.o Strange.... That was.... Disturbing.....

[uc pseudonym]

UC: Oooo! Chickens! (he runs over and begins scattering birdseed) I love chickens!

Thank you for telling me.

O.o Strange.... That was.... Disturbing.....

The segment or the IM conversation?

[mechana2015]

I want back innnn.... (I have been on GRG...)

[kirakira]

hahaha! Wow, Zilch, that was...inspired. ^^ *save* *notices his kneecaps have been shattered and hands him a band-aid*

[Zilch]

Scene 5

Residential Evils

(The scene shifts to a creepy old mansion. Immediately, Zilch and Gypsy are seen cowering on the ground.)

Spencer: What's up with you guys?
Zilch: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Somethin's gonna jump us I know it!
Gypsy: Can we go back to playing Harvest Moon(begins weeping)
Calbh: (reading the lettering on the front of her jacket) St...st...stairs...?
Skynes: Umm...that's STARS, Calbhy.
Calbh: ...I knew that
Skynes: (makes a mumbled comment about Texans and their dependence on Hooked on Phonics)

(Anymore diolague that could possibly endanger the author via lynching from an angry Southern audience is cut short by a long, low moaning sound.)
Ekul: What was that?
A voice: A zombie...

(Shatterheart steps out of the shadows, holding a .357 and a combat knife.)

Shatterheart: (holding up the knife) You know...these things are useless against zombies...unless they're right in front of you...breathing only you eat your flesh...to devour something off your body to energize their desire for meat...if that happens...simply drive the knife into the zombie's head...LIKE THIS!

(To the suprise of everyone, Shatterheart drives the knife into Gypsy's head. They gasp, expecting gore and blood to shoot out, just like in any game you keep under your bed so your parents don't find it. Gypsy remains standing, the only sound in the room being the hiss of compressed air escaping her brainular cavity.)

Shatterheart:...well...this is new...
Gypsy: (giggle)Heeheehee!(pssshhhhhhhh)
Zilch: I didn't write that...
Gypsy: (pssssshhhhhhhhh)
Skynes: You think it works on all airheads?
Gypsy: (psssssssshhhhhhh)
Shatterheart: Let's find out!

*Suddenly, the following scene is cut short, and the adminstrators of CAA and the GRG walk out to face Zilch.*

Ashley: Zilch, you bloodthirsty little Mainer! This is horrible!
Calbh: Yeah, you're making this incredibly violent! Knifes driving into people's heads...goodness, where will it end?!
Zilch: Hey! C'mon guys! I was just getting into a good part!
Ashley: No, Zilch, I refuse to allow a thread containing violence and gore in ANYWAY related to Resident Evil!
Calbh: I second Ashley, you hatemonger of Texans!
Zilch: ...OH, YOU SPOONY ADMINS!
Ashley and Calbhach: CHANGE IT!
Zilch: ...says who?

(Shatterheart steps forward with a bat in one hand and a videotape of Richard Simmons' "Sweating To The Oldies..."

Zilch: ...oh...no...y-you wouldn't!
Shatterheart: The queen must be obeyed, Zilch...
Zilch: ...
Gypsy: (psssssshhhhhhh)
Shatterheart: Zilch, you didn't capitalize the Queen's name in my last line...
Zilch: ...but, guuuuuyyyssss!
Shatterheart: I can persuade him...

(Shatterheart drags Zilch to a closed room...they return after a few minutes, with Zilch's face as white as Eminiem...)

Zilch: OkAY! OKaY! I'll MakE iT HAppYYYYYYYY!! JuSt NO MORe! NO MorE!

(to be continued in Scene 6)

[Spoiler=Why was Zilch so WEIRDED OUT?]
Shatterheart: Mr. Fancyhearingcake...let's see you resume here, shall we, hmm?(picks up a folder and skims through it)...well...in the day, you are Aaron Fancyhearingcake, a devout member of CAA, a flamebroiler of Eminem CD's, and a good person who helps old ladies across the street...but at night...you are Zilch, an authority-undermining, Texan hate-mongering playwright...now...which are you REALLY...Mr. Fancyhearingcake? Would you like to tell me more of your...escapades? If you do...I might have a mod position available...
Zilch: ...well, that sounds like a really good deal...but I think I have a better one...how about...I give you a Twinkie...and you give me my phone call?
Shatterheart: You know, Zilch...I have backstage passes to Saturday's Willie Nelson-Johnny Cash-Judy Garland-N'SYNC-Stryper extravaganza, with Richard Simmons as the speaker...I'm sure you wouldn't want to go...would you?
Zilch: W-w-ait! I confess! I'm a nasty person! Just do it to Rikku! I don't care! Whatever it is, just to it to Rikku!
Shatterheart:...the Party is pleased, Mr. Fancyhearingcake...

(Zilch walks out to see a picture of Ashley plastered on the wall, underlined with the words...

BIG TEXAN IS WATCHING!

Zilch breaks down crying. Why had he ever retreated from the arms that would protect him? Big Texan had always been there! Oh, needless exile from the warm, loving embrace! He had won the battle against himself. He loved Big Texan. [/SPOILER]

[uc pseudonym]

This most recent section was decent and all (sorry, I'm not a Resident Evil fan. I did like the Matrix part, however), but

dependence on Hooked on Phonics

do you see the irony present?

[kirakira]

*watches as UC's remark flies over her head*

*blink*

*blink*

Ooo, there's violence in this one. ^^

[uc pseudonym]

The title of the educational series is "Hooked on Phonics." Hooked implies addiction. Dependance also implies addiction. It is therefore ironic to say that people are dependant upon something that claims to be addictive in the first place. Then again, irony is never very funny when it must be explained... sorry about that.

[Zilch]

'sokay, UC. I got it. (chuckles)

[uc pseudonym]

Thank you, friend. I will await your next portion whenever it comes.

[Zilch]

More OOC Hilarities...okay, so it's not hilarious, but it is pretty funny...

MelodyMaker: You know, Zilch, you still haven't formally apologized for calling me a girl.
Zilch: Gimme a break! Your screen name is Melody Maker and your avatar is a girl!
MelodyMaker: You know this is an incredibly sad attempt to bump your thread so more people will marvel at your playwrighting skill.
Zilch:...I'm aware of that...
MelodyMaker: Why, you selfish, egotistial, Texan hater!
Zilch: Your avatar is still a girl.
MelodyMaker: Hey, I made her myself! BACK OFF MY GIRL, PUNK!
Zilch: Look, my authorical powers are still intact...so, before you say anything more, maybe you should ask Shatterheart what it's like to wear Star Wars fanservicing clothes.
MelodyMaker:...uhh...
Zilch: Naw, I'm jus' kidding.
MelodyMaker: Phew!
Zilch: YOU GET THE BUNNY SUIT!

(MelodyMaker is suddenly in a purple bunny suit, complete with a Teletubby-ish pompom.)

MelodyMaker: GAH! I LOOK LIKE A MOOGLE!

(Shatterheart walks in.)

Shatterheart: Zilch, that's MY bunny suit! Think of something original for MelMak here, cuz I'm picking up some chicks tonight, and I NEED that suit if I'm going to have any luck whatsoever!
Zilch: Dude, chicks don't dig that...
Shatterheart: Gypsy told me so!
Zilch:...well...okay, by all means, have your bunny suit...

(MelodyMaker is changed into a moogle suit, and Shatterheart dons his bunny costume.)

Shatterheart: Heeeyyy, Laaaaaaayyyydeeeeeeeesss! Here comes the Bunnyman!

(Gypsy is heard snickering off to the side.)

Zilch: Hey, you can't laugh, there Gyppers. You take your own chess pieces!
Gypsy: HEEEEEEEEYY! NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!

[Ashley]

Congrats Zilch, I think you've satirized/poked fun at a good 90% of the staff and we haven't banned you yet.

[Zilch]

Yeah, well, once the 1% Shatterheart comes back online, there might be a few changes as far as I'm concerned...(Zilch packs suitcases and prepares to flee to Bora Bora)

[Zilch]

Scene 6
Ah, yes...another Final Fantasy plug...

(Skynes looks all around him, and sees beautiful environments.)

Skynes: Wow...this is cool...
Spencer: Yeah...pretty sweet...

(Ashley runs in behind them.)

Ashley: GUUUYYYYYSSSS!
(Skynes and Spencer turn around)

Skynes: What, Ash? Wait a sec...

(Skynes realizes his entire body is polygonalated!)

Spencer: WE GOTS NO HANDS!
Ashley: WE GOTS NO FEET!
Skynes: WE GOTS FLAT HEADS WITH NO MOUTHS TO SPEAK OF!
Coby: WE GOTS NO GRAMMAR SKILLS!
Zilch: I DON'T WANNA LOOK LIKE A LEGO!

(Suddenly, the party is thrown into a battle.)

Coby: Look! I have fingers!(pulls out the Buster Sword on her back)Daaaannggg...this is nice...
Zilch: (checking out the gun attached to his arm) Is this legal for deer hunting?
Ashley: OW! This thing is pointy!
Spencer: All I got was this dumb staff...why am I wearing a long dress?
Coby: Sooo...who are we fighting?

(They look ahead to see a wall of flames...then...they notice a shadow walking amongst the flames...)

Ashley: That figure looks awfully familiar...

(The shadow walks through...and the party finds themselves facing the most deadly villian in the whole gaming world...

Uncreative Pseudonym!)

Ashley: GASP!
UC: You see, foolish admin...this is my true form...now...witness the full fury of my power!
Coby: NEVER! You've taken too much from me! My posts! My threads! Now you threaten my friends! I won't let you take anything more from anyone, you power-hungry mod!
UC: ...so be it...

(Coby runs forward with the Buster Sword ready to strike, but she is batted away like a fly before the the Masamune.)

UC: But these people...

(Skynes tries a sneak attack with his harpoon, but he is countered by a incredibly powerful Lightning attack. After a few seconds, Skynes looks ready to be put between buns...)

UC: ...are trying to take what rightfully belongs to Mother...

(Zilch unloads his gun on UC, but finds the bullets stop just before the foe. He has little time to ponder this before he is hurled over the edge of a nearby cliff.)

UC: ...Mother...I have a gift for you...

(Ashley does a few mid-air somersaults whilst landing upon the villian's back. UC merely scratches an itch on his arm.)

UC: ...these fools will never take away what belongs to us...the chickens...

(UC pulls one of the aforementioned fowl from beneath his cloak.)

UC: None stand in our way, Mother...
Spencer: EXCEPT ME!

(The sight of Spencer standing in a fighting stance, teeth bared, all in a long flowing dress is too much for UC. He laughs uproarishly.)

UC: AHAHAHAHAHAA! You pathetic worm! What chance do you stand against me, the terror of CAA? The conquorer of all I see? The protector of these chickens you mercilessly suck the energy form day after day!?
Spencer: I have this!( he holds out a Materia) I have Holy!

(UC inspects the Materia closely. He bursts out laughing once more.)

UC: Worthless being! That's the Holy Cow materia!
Spencer: Stupid generic materia brands...oh, well...it's worth a try...

(Spencer goes into a kneeling postition and begins to pray...UC readies his blade above Spencer's head...and he is in mid-stroke when the earth begins to rumble...)

UC: What? What's that? What is tha-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!

(Uncreative Psuedonym, menace of the Planet is firmly encased in his final prison...a pile of cows...)

[kirakira]

*yay!* Fire!! And..and a pile of cows. *lol*

[Ashley]

Cool, I was in this one! And I wasn't mocked!

[uc pseudonym]

Eh, it is what I get for having a Sephiroth avatar. Not a bad section at all.

Yes, though, I have taken so incredibly much from Coby...

[Icarus]

SWING!

[Zilch]

Scene 8
Back home...

(The GRG hovers in midair for a moment, then they land in a collective pile on the floor of GRG HQ)

Spencer: Hey! What's with this?
Skynes: We never went to Brinstar! That's cheap!
UC: Apparently, our author ran out of material.
Zilch: NOT TRUE! I just...uhhh...ran out of ideas...
UC: My point exactly.
Calbach: So is this the end of our adventures?
Zilch: Only time will tell...

(Ashley trots in...)

Ashley: Hey, you guys are bac...MUFFIN!

(She notices a blueberry muffin that Kirakira was holding and promptly tackles her, meanwhile, Shatterheart
walks up to Zilch with a box)

Shatterheart: Here. This is for you. Sorry for making you so sad, Zilch...(snicker)
Zilch: Aw, no hard feelings, Shatterheart. (opening the box) Oh, cool! A fingertrap!

(Zilch promptly shoves both fingers in both sides.)

Zilch: This is gonna be a cinch!

(While Zilch is wrestling with the fingercuffs, the rest of the GRG is talking over the vacation they need)

MasterDias: I don't want any part of your stinking vacation! You shunned me from most of the play!
Spencer: Not my fault.
Calbach: Or mine.
Ekul: Or even mine.
CobaltAngel: Actually, bro, it WAS your fault...
Ekul: Oh...okay...
Zilch: Oh! I've got it! You just pull out one finger at a ti...okay...so that didn't work...
UC: This is such a dissapointing ending...I'm going to go make fun of someone's pronunciation and spelling
errors...
Calbach: Okay, guys, let's go get a smoothie!
Spencer: w00t!
Ekul: w00t!
CobaltAngel: w00t!

(They walk out and shut the door behind them, leaving Zilch to play around with his fingercuffs. He realizes that
they left and tries violently to get himself free. Seeing that it is fruitless, he tries to open the door without
his index fingers, which adds to the funniness.)

Zilch: GAH!THIS THING IS LIKE SATAN RECARNATED INTO A CARDBOARD TUBE!

(The curtain drops, once again leaving the author in a dilemma for others to laugh at.)

(UC steps out in front of the curtain and bows to the crowd. Once the cheers die down, he gives the following speech:)

Uc: Thank you, all. I like chickens...



Sorry about the crappy ending, but I just ran out of ideas. Thank you to all of you who made this thread a success,
both on GRG and on CAA. Don't worry, I'm cooking up ideas for my next play, so hopefully, things will turn out better
next time. Again, thanks, and I bid you good night.