Feeling Alone

[Exlon]

Hey...haven't been here in a long time...I guess I'm desperate, hah. I'm trying to figure out how to put this. Basically, I'm in my third year of college now, and I just feel like I'm having a really hard time finding someone I feel I can really talk to. I'vebeen struggling with this for the past three years, and it's not that I haven't made friends--I have, just not ones I feel like I can be completely open with. Two of them aren't into "serious" talks, and the other two...well, I feel bad, but I just don't think they understand. I'm grateful that one of them especially is so willing to always be there for me and listen to me and talk to me, but...when I talk about things that I think about constantly or what's important to me, I feel like there's such a disconnect. Like, good intentions aren't enough, you know? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad someone is actually willing to listen, but it's hard when you want feedback you can trust and rely on.

In the past, I've almost always had at least one person in my life that I could always go to and whose response I valued oh so much. Oftentimes, it was a close friend I'd made online (although my internet life has dwindled the past few years). When one friend went away (whether we simply didn't talk anymore or whatever), not long after someone else would emerge who could understand what I was saying just as much or better than the last. However, the last time I felt like someone properly, or at least mostly, understood me was my boyfriend, who broke up with me three years ago.

Since then, I've felt unable to connect with people properly anymore and have a hard time opening up. I've pushed myself to open up to a few people, in the hopes that I would feel that connection of understanding again, but I never have. Sometimes I think if I just force myself to be honest with them, to talk more, to give more details, they might understand. But I never feel they do, and it's this quiet saddening feeling. I can't even tell my one really good friend that I feel that way, because he'll just get all hurt and upset, and tell me I just need to tell him more. But I know no number of words is going to create that true understanding. And it just makes me feel very lonely. Sure, I'll go and hang out with friends and laugh about stupid things...but it's just not enough for me.

And I have so much trouble praying now, for anything. Frankly, I think it has to do with fear of no answer. Or that if it's an answer I don't want, that I won't see it. It's really hard. I go to a Christian college, so last year I attended counseling for both semesters. The second semester I had a different counselor, and it was a little better, but, honestly...I didn't really feel like it was truly helping. I appreciated it, but it's difficult when you really feel like nothing can be done about you, and that you're always going to be locked up in your own mind. You start feeling like, maybe it's better if you don't talk about the things that bother you at all, maybe you shoukd just keep your mouth shut, and hold your thoughts secret and safe to your heart. It doesn't seem healthy, but when they can find no way out to someone else, you wonder if you should give up. You're just a hopeless case and you should keep it to yourself like you used to.

And this post turned out to be a lot longer than I meant it, I was just going to give the short version, but I guess this is just proof of my desperate plea for help.

I'm sorry if that was a pain to read (I really am), I just couldn't think of what else to do.

[ClaecElric4God]

I'm praying for you, Exlon. Your situation is very familiar to me, and I can say with confidence I've been where you are.

[drexawn]

I may be wrong, but I kind of know how you feel, I came to this website hoping to meet some people that I too could talk to. I hope that God will put the person you need into your life so that you don't have to feel lonely. It may be a little stupid for me to say this, but if ya wanna try chatting feel free to PM me.

[Sheenar]

Praying for you, Exlon. I can relate to having difficulty connecting with other people. It's a hard place to be in. *hugs*

[Mullet Death]

Praying, Exlon. Your situation sounds very familiar to me.

[Wolfsong]

I'll be praying for you

[Exlon]

Just feeling extra depressed recently, for various reasons, I'm sorry. Nothing seems to help.

[Okami]

Firstly: It's great to see you back, Exlon! (And I'm sorry I haven't responded to this sooner... )

It's really difficult, struggling with loneliness and depression and heartache. It seems you've been hit hard with the breakup three years ago and friends not understanding in general and whatnot. I can relate to feeling disconnected. It's not easy. Particularly at a Christian college - been there, done that, too.

A lot of Christian-y types think it's a spiritual issue to be struggling with mental health issues or whatever else, and if only you had stronger faith you could pray it away. Or whatever. I know I've gotten a lot of crap like that over the years, and I can be the first one to shout: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!!!

Ranting aside, it's okay to struggle. This life isn't easy. I could repeat it over and over; you're not alone. You're not alone.

I appreciated it, but it's difficult when you really feel like nothing can be done about you, and that you're always going to be locked up in your own mind. You start feeling like, maybe it's better if you don't talk about the things that bother you at all, maybe you shoukd just keep your mouth shut, and hold your thoughts secret and safe to your heart.

I could have written these words. Truly. You're not alone with feeling this way. Take it one day at a time, and remember to breathe.
Safe hugs if wanted.

[ClaecElric4God]

I'm still praying for you, Exlon. And like Okami said, it's good to see you back! Feel free to talk to us, we'd love to help. I don't keep up with things as well as I'd like, but to the best of my abilities I'm just a PM away if you need someone to talk to, or just a listening ear. Remember that you're cared for, even by a handful of random internet strangers.

[LastLfan]

I totally understand where you're coming from Exlon, my closest friend left for the air force in August and I've broken down crying several times since cause although I have friends who will listen I hate feeling like I'm bugging them and they just don't quite get it. Definitely praying for you, I know it can be hard.

[Furen]

I'll make sure to remember to pray for you

[Sheenar]

Continuing to pray for you Exlon!!

And to echo Okami, so many think depression and other mental health issues stem from some sort of spiritual issue. That is NOT the case! Often it is a physical issue --at least in my case, depression and anxiety are manifestations of my physical disease process.

Anyway, hang in there. You are loved! You matter! *hugs*

[Exlon]

Thank you, guys, I really appreciate it. I'm also beginning to think the depression is at least partly a physical issue, but I don't think I'm likely to get a hold of antidepressant drugs because I'd have to use my parents' healthcare, and I feel like they would find out about that at some point (whether through a bill or insurance notification or what) and that's not really something I want to deal with. I really don't think my parents believe in depression, at least in the immediate family.

I really am grateful for having my best friend to talk to, only it's hard because I feel like there's something more that I want in a friendship that I'm not finding with anyone, and haven't really found for years. I know that doesn't mean you can't be good friends with people, but it's like there's a source of vitality or support that I'm missing.