"skeleton" in my closet.

[Lingering Wind]

Right off the bat I apologize if I get a little hard to follow because I'm not sure as to how to word this etc.
Over the course of several months I managed to become overwhelmed by school and home, including those I come into contact with in those places. My mom has had medical issues just as she has over the past few years, at school I've dealt with some thorns in my side. It even feels a little off when I go to my youth group on Wednesdays or at Church on Sundays. I've just felt dragged down by everything eventually and I've said some stuff I would have never let pass my lips if it were maybe last year. At some point last month I somehow thought that cutting myself would do something since I felt like giving up. Even though it didn't do anything effective, recently I was contemplating on doing that again since things just felt worse to the point I felt hollow and wouldn't really react to much. I've had to basically force smiles and laughter whenever it's an 'appropriate' situation for that. I've kept this basically to myself for quite a while and I'm not proud of it by any means. I don't really want to come out and say it to anyone at church because I don't know what their reactions would be and I certainly don't want anyone thinking it's their fault or that they have to make the world revolve around me for a bit to see if that makes me feel better. If I said anything at school it's the same somewhat with the addition of I don't want a teacher to send me to the office to talk to a counselor just for my parents to find out and be offended I didn't come to them in the first place. My parents have been a bit stressed out with work and stuff lately and I don't want to add onto it, though I honestly think I sound like I'm being too stubborn to ask for help. I've tried to talk to some people about this, but at the most they'll half listen.
I'm trying to get over myself with this. I've been praying about it a bit and I know God works in his own timing. It just seems like it's getting harder and harder to stick to who I know myself as, and what I've learned from experiences I've been through. I know I shouldn't be complaining about small stuff when there are many out there who have it way worse. I feel like that flame I've had that encourages to do something good and enjoy what God's given me while sharing it with others is slowly burning out. I can't take it anymore and I guess this is my way of finally asking for a prayer request. This is probably the best I can explain it. Anyways if you read through this post thank you, and prayers are very appreciated.

[invaderv93]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've suffered with depression myself, and as such I'd really encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist. There are many faith-based psychiatric organizations you can contact if that would make you and/or your family more comfortable. Also, please do tell your parents what's going on and that you want to get help for it. Believe me, they've probably noticed a change in your behavior and knowing exactly what's going on would probably ease their minds, not add to their worries. I'll keep you in my prayers. Best of luck.

[goldenspines]

I'll be praying, Lingering Wind.

[drill]

Praying.

[ClaecElric4God]

Definitely praying, Lingering Wind.

[anlptgtsg]

Praying. *Gives hug*

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I think you should go talk to your school counselor. They're trained to nonjudgmentally and empathically listen and are especially trained at getting to the root of a lot of issues you may be having. But realistically they're going to be more "solution-focused" and help you find ways to positively move forward (unfortunately school counseling doesn't have a lot of opportunity for long-term therapy, but it can definitely be something to explore).

They will also hold confidentiality between you and them unless you become a harm to yourself or someone else. If you bring up suicide they will do a quick risk assessment on you but if they think you aren't a serious risk it's not likely that they'll break that confidentiality. You're young so you're very much in that beginning stage of trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in this world. It's definitely a confusing time but I think going to your school counselor may really help. Let them establish that rapport and relationship with you and be open and honest. They're there to help.

[marcyu]

Cutting, like any other self-destructive action, is a sign. I'm uncertain what kind of sign that is. I've been through what you've been through. When your schedule is that busy, it is hard to find time to reflect upon the character of God and what He means to you. I hope you can find time to pray, fast, and dwell in The Word by yourself. In my experience, I had to stop doing certain things to make myself less busy. I was, like you, completely overwhelmed with work, school, family life, church, etc. You have to scale back on those activities. Other People almost become the enemy - you despise spending time with them and you become short with them. At least in my case, just withdrawing from social contact helped tremendously. I used that time to pray and fast, which helped. Upon reflecting on that time, reading The Word would have helped a lot in addition to the praying and fasting. Find one close friend who you can talk with a couple of times a week to share The Word, but restrict yourself from (no one beat me) all other face-to-face social activities, including church. Sometimes just a couple of weeks will help. It took me longer, but I had other issues going on (found that romantic love isn't a substitute for a closer relationship with Jesus Christ). I am praying for you.

[Lingering Wind]

I'm really really sorry for resurrecting an old thread like this before I get in trouble for this. I just haven't had the ability to log onto this website for a couple of years and I figured I would do an update post of sorts if that is alright.

Thank you all so much for the prayers and advice on the matter. About the time that I wrote that post I was about thirteen years old, and a lot has happened since then.

So... I guess I'll recap what has happened since then and now. I hid my self harm and depression for two long, agonizing years. I unfortunately grew farther and farther apart from my church peers as I knew in the back of my head that if they knew the real me then I would definitely be misunderstood and likely discriminated against. Even now I'm still scared to go back. For the past few years I've been going through this entire ordeal, I've had a friend named Bailey. We were close until one day we just grew apart and it killed me on the inside for that to happen, even now it hurts. Luckily now I know fully well that God has his reasons for this type of thing happening. It lead me to have the longest string of self harm in my entire life, to the point that my anxiety would shoot through the roof without it and I even became suicidal. By that point, I had met my now best friend Faith. I ended up confiding in her as to all that had happened and she happened to be going through the same exact thing. We began to try to help each other, but it didn't work out so well since I was in that mess longer than her. I flirted with the idea of death until I decided that I needed to change. So I threw away what I used to cut and ended up telling my mother the very next day. Long story short, I was hospitalized for an entire week in a psych ward.
During this mess, I feared what my family had going through their heads as well as my boyfriend, who had no idea that this was going on and simply knew I was hospitalized.
After I got out, my life changed. I moved rooms entirely and my secrets were gone. It felt strangely nice... And up to now I was 6 months clean from cutting. However, I recently relapsed after struggling with everything for this long.

So overall I basically came back to say thank you once again for helping me even just consider getting help a couple of years ago. I appreciate it so much. If it would be alright, I'd appreciate some prayer now as well. I'm not out of the woods yet and I'd like to find my way back to having a good relationship with Jesus again. I apologize for not only starting up an old thread again but once again asking a favor of those on here willing to read this pointless ramble by some depressed teenager on the internet, since I'm sure that there's more that some may be doing with their time.

[Sheenar]

Praying for you, Lingering Wind!

You are not alone. I also struggle with self injury. I'm currently in a Celebrate Recovery program through my church for that issue along with some other things I am struggling with. It is a hard battle.

But know you don't walk through this alone. You are loved!

I pray you find healing and restoration through Christ and through walking through this with His people. Oh you are so richly loved! Our Father loves you!

I know I said that a lot, but it is one of the key points that God keeps bringing me back to in the midst of my own struggle --that His grace IS sufficient and that He loves more deeply and richly and unconditionally than I can wrap my mind around.

[Okami]

Hey, Lingering Wind. Sheena directed me here, as she knows my heart goes out to stories such as yours.

I first want to express how much I ache for you. You're not alone; I also struggle with self-harm.

I've got a history of suicide attempts, hospitalizations, and diagnoses that span nearly a decade. It was only in the last 2 years or so that I've even started getting answers...just know you're not alone... More of my story can be read in my Mental Health Report thread - which is long, but I would hope is proof to the encouragement and prayer warriors that exist here.


I know it's really easy to walk away from people (ESPECIALLY church people) when things like this are happening. I had a discussion recently where we talked about mental health, stigma, and the church. I've been victim of the mentality of, "well if you just prayed more...if you had more faith...you wouldn't be dealing with this!" it's an unfortunate reality that my chronic illness gets blamed for my apparent 'lack of faith'... and I know I'm not alone in that.

For that I want to say: don't give up on the church people. My husband and I found a church that understands. Many people are struggling. One couple, part of the leadership team, deal with very bad illnesses themselves; his wife and I were talking about this once and said she'd dealt with the stigma, too!  It's not limited to mental illness. People just want to point fingers and say it's all our fault that we're born like this - with chemical imbalances and whatever else, and it doesn't work like that. 

All this to say, allow yourself to be vulnerable. I'm not saying go out and proclaim on every street corner how you've been in psychiatric care or whatever, but pray God would put people in your life that you can work things out with.  Someone safe can really make all the difference... Sheena mentioned Celebrate Recovery, and from talking with her and others I know it's a good start. Even if it's not feasible right now, keep it as a tucked away resource to think about. 

God works in our weaknesses, for He is our strength, and His grace is sufficient. He has allowed me the opportunity to minister to others and comfort those in need that I wouldn't have otherwise had because I struggle with self-injury, have Bipolar Disorder, etc. I firmly believe He can use things like this to build the Kingdom and be glorified. We may not understand it, or even understand why, but He chooses to work in such mysterious ways sometimes.

I also want to share one of the most valuable resources I've picked up, the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook.  DBT is especially helpful in working to correct and redirect one's thoughts when it comes to self-injury and other maladaptive behaviors. 

Anyhow, I've probably rambled on enough here. As Sheena said, know that you are loved. And as we've both said, you're not alone. I may not be on often, but you can feel free to PM me whenever! My husband and I will be praying for you!

[ClaecElric4God]

I apologize for not only starting up an old thread again but once again asking a favor of those on here willing to read this pointless ramble by some depressed teenager on the internet, since I'm sure that there's more that some may be doing with their time.

Rule #1. Don't apologize for asking for help, and don't call yourself "some depressed teenager on the internet". Whether we can put a name or a face to you does not make you any less of a person. If you are a human being who typed out this message, you're important. And if we can call ourselves Christians than we should be loving and supportive of you, even if your message is something we read on the internet. That you were willing to share this and ask strangers for help with it speaks worlds to me. So I thank you for reaching out, and I will definitely be praying for you. Please keep us updated, or at the very least PM me. I realize this is a month late, but I hope you stick around to read this. God bless, Lingering Wind.