Should I go to church with my aunt or my long time friends?

[Jigzy]

Well for a while I had thought about going to my aunts church, but now I also want to go to another of my friends church instead. Should I really go to their church over my aunts church? I mean both churches are equally the same and just as good. Just my mom doesn't want me to get involved with them which I really wanted to do. So I thought by going to their church I'd be going for the lord and then I'd also get to see them at the same time? I mean I could go with my aunt to her church, but I wanna go to their church so that I get to spend some time with them (I always see my aunt a lot anyway.), because I have not seen them for a very long time. Is this really wrong that I'd go to their church just to see them when I could be going to church with my aunt instead? I mean of course I want to go for the lord, but am I doing anything wrong here? Is this dirty of me? I don't want it to seem like I'm just going for them, because I really love the lord too with all of my heart. These are people I've known since I was just a little kid. I grew up with the kids and the parents. I know my mom says that she doesn't hate them. She just doesn't like them. Well because, a lot of times in the past like when we first met them they were really annoying, nosy and always coming over to our house all of the time, even asking us for stuff. Plus they're not really the cleanest people. They're a bit messy and dirty. Like their house, food and stuff. Of course I've never eaten much of their food or touched anything of theirs that might be germ filled. They don't have the best looks either, but it doesn't really matter to me. So aside from this though they are Christian and just genuinely nice, caring people and they seem like they love us very much. Me and my family. Plus I've been really lonely lately with my Autism holding me back from finding other friends and they were the only ones I could think of. I dearly love being with my family, but I'm with them all of the time and never meeting new people and I figured if I was with these friends of mine it might help. Plus I feel really good when I'm with them and plus what if something happened to one of them or something and I felt bad for never seeing them? I feel like they will always be there for me and never reject me no matter what. So then it makes me feel bad if I just avoided them, because of my mother wanting me to. My mom doesn't want them coming into our house or any of the church people. She also doesn't want any of them to call our house, but I told her that I'd get them my own phone number to my phone. She's even freaking out about all of that. So I have another question too. First off my mom is a very sickly person. So if my mom had a heart attack or died over this would it be my fault for not listening to her? I was told it would be my fault and I really don't wanna feel any guilt about it if anything happened to her over this. Plus she says she's gonna feel miserable for the rest of her life just because, of this. So I really feel torn between my mom and my friends. What do I do? I love my mom and them very much. They all mean a lot to me

[Sammy Boy]

I have no answers for you, but perhaps could suggest a few things for you to think about:

1. Have you had a heart-to-heart conversation with your mom about your feelings and thoughts in this matter, like the way you have described these things? If not, it might be a good idea to do so.

2. I have not met many people who attend church for 100% pure, noble motives such as wanting to know God. Most of the time, it is also because they enjoy the company of the people that are there. Many human beings are social in nature, it is natural to want to enjoy other people's company.

Don't put yourself on a guilt trip just because you also happen to enjoy being with the people whose church you wish to attend.

Have you tried attending both your aunt's church and your friends' church at least once each, then making a decision?

3. Do you mind clarifying on what you mean by it being your fault if you did not listen to your mom, and she passed as a result? Who told you that it would be your fault, and why is the person or people who told you this correct in making such a claim ?

Finally, just a minor point I wish to make - you might want to try breaking up your post into paragraphs in future. It would make it easier for other people to read. Thanks.

[SierraLea]

One thing you can ask yourself about the situation. Whose experience of the mass will be more enriched by your presence?
For example, my sister sometimes talks with her friends during mass if she sits next to them. This takes away from their experience with the mass. However, if I sit next to someone who I know is having a rough time with something, I can be on hand to help them if they start crying or need a hug, which enriches their experience in the mass. I'm not saying being with your friends is a detriment to entering into the mass. Just think about who needs you more during that sacrament.

[K. Ayato]

First off, you're over 21. You shouldn't be too upset over what your mom may or may not approve of, even though you still live with her under the same roof. Second, stop and take time to look objectively at yourr motives for going to one church over another. As has already been asked, is wanting to see your old friends the main reason for going to their church? Don't beat yourself up if the answer is yes. Be okay with telling God you want to meet in a place of worship and focus on Him, but you're also aware that being in the presence of those friends might take your focus away from learning more of Him when it's time to listen and learn.

If your desire is to learn about God regardless of which church, then it shouldn't matter too much if you go with your aunt or with those friends. I myself attend services at one church 3 times a week and a Bible study located at another toward the end of the week. Like yourself, circumstances are such that I'm living with my parents again, but they're not against me going to a study elsewhere.

And about your friends, respect your mom's opinion of them, but don't let the guilt trip fool you into thinking you're rebelling against her by spending time with them. Instead, try to give her the benefit of a doubt. Maybe she sees something about them that is still not clear to you yet. You did mention they're not always very clean and tidy and appear to always ask for money. I don't blame your mom for being suspicious if those things are true. Again, respect her and give the benefit of a doubt. It could be she just doesn't want you to get hurt and the fact your friends appear (in her eyes) to be users more than useful is a valid concern on the part of a parent.

[Xeno]

Go to church wherever you feel the most welcome and you feel the best at. If you like it more at your aunts church go there, if you like it more at your friend's church then go there. If you find some other place that no one you know is going, but something about the place clicks with you then attend that church. Thats kind of the point of a church, community. And if you aren't comfortable in your community you should be free to leave. If someone is pressuring you to stay in a church/community, then it's a problem.

One thing you can ask yourself about the situation. Whose experience of the mass will be more enriched by your presence?
For example, my sister sometimes talks with her friends during mass if she sits next to them. This takes away from their experience with the mass. However, if I sit next to someone who I know is having a rough time with something, I can be on hand to help them if they start crying or need a hug, which enriches their experience in the mass. I'm not saying being with your friends is a detriment to entering into the mass. Just think about who needs you more during that sacrament.

No. If you do this then that's okay, but don't tell other people to pick where they go based on the needs of others. Church is supposed to be about you, not how other people feel.

[Mullet Death]

My answer depends on whether or not you can attend more than one church on any given week and whether or not you believe or agree with the teachings and practices of the respective churches. Given the situation described I don't see any good reason why a compromise can't be reached. Are there services on Wednesday or some other day that you can attend at one church and then Sunday at another, for example? I admire you for wanting to do right by your family, but maybe it's possible for them to work something out with you on this in the name of love. On the one hand, one should seek to have relationships which don't damage relationships within the family, but family should also be understanding of your situation. I think you should be able to have your family and your friends.

[Jigzy]

First off, you're over 21. You shouldn't be too upset over what your mom may or may not approve of, even though you still live with her under the same roof. Second, stop and take time to look objectively at yourr motives for going to one church over another. As has already been asked, is wanting to see your old friends the main reason for going to their church? Don't beat yourself up if the answer is yes. Be okay with telling God you want to meet in a place of worship and focus on Him, but you're also aware that being in the presence of those friends might take your focus away from learning more of Him when it's time to listen and learn.

If your desire is to learn about God regardless of which church, then it shouldn't matter too much if you go with your aunt or with those friends. I myself attend services at one church 3 times a week and a Bible study located at another toward the end of the week. Like yourself, circumstances are such that I'm living with my parents again, but they're not against me going to a study elsewhere.

And about your friends, respect your mom's opinion of them, but don't let the guilt trip fool you into thinking you're rebelling against her by spending time with them. Instead, try to give her the benefit of a doubt. Maybe she sees something about them that is still not clear to you yet. You did mention they're not always very clean and tidy and appear to always ask for money. I don't blame your mom for being suspicious if those things are true. Again, respect her and give the benefit of a doubt. It could be she just doesn't want you to get hurt and the fact your friends appear (in her eyes) to be users more than useful is a valid concern on the part of a parent.

Yes, I'm over 21 and I still live with my mom. I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions, but she still seems to control me on a lot of things. I mean I appreciate her for trying to protect me and all. I always listen to her opinions on everything she has to say and respect those opinions, but I mean she can't tell me what to do. That is exactly what I told her in the best way possible. Well I had already been feeling that I needed to start going to a church for a very long time now, because I hadn't been going. So I was probably going to start eventually getting into some kind of church even if not that one. These friends of mine are one thing that made me wanna try that church though, but really I needed to start going back to a church and when I go to that church I'm still going to be there for the lord and listen and pay attention to what the preacher says and the songs they sing. So that's good right? I mean I really love the lord with all of my heart and I've been feeling really guilty about not going to church all that long and needing to go anyway even before I started thinking about going to that specific church. Just I'm a very shy person and for the past couple of years I haven't been going to church, because I get really shy and nervous around so many people, but when I'm with them. It helps me I think. Even though I have not been going to church for all this long doesn't mean that I was any less of a Christian. I never stopped being a Christian. So maybe this is a really good thing after all.

No, I believe with all of my heart that they are genuinely good people, because they sure were happy to see me at church when I went after all. Before that I got in a depressed state, feeling really confused, my brain all scrambled and I started crying. So my mom started being all nice saying that it was okay for me to spend time with them if I wanted to. So I have to say even if they were the way they were all of those several years ago they still always cared about us a lot. I feel that I can really trust them. I just hope my mom won't start freaking out again on me after a while about this. For now I softened her up I think.

[Jigzy]

I have no answers for you, but perhaps could suggest a few things for you to think about:

1. Have you had a heart-to-heart conversation with your mom about your feelings and thoughts in this matter, like the way you have described these things? If not, it might be a good idea to do so.

2. I have not met many people who attend church for 100% pure, noble motives such as wanting to know God. Most of the time, it is also because they enjoy the company of the people that are there. Many human beings are social in nature, it is natural to want to enjoy other people's company.

Don't put yourself on a guilt trip just because you also happen to enjoy being with the people whose church you wish to attend.

Have you tried attending both your aunt's church and your friends' church at least once each, then making a decision?

3. Do you mind clarifying on what you mean by it being your fault if you did not listen to your mom, and she passed as a result? Who told you that it would be your fault, and why is the person or people who told you this correct in making such a claim ?

Finally, just a minor point I wish to make - you might want to try breaking up your post into paragraphs in future. It would make it easier for other people to read. Thanks.

Well I do know a pastor that goes to that church as well and he was a pastor at another church when I was kid and went there with those same friends. So I also know him and he's a really good person. We all grew up with that pastor and in that church he preached in long ago. Now his son preaches in this other church that my friends go to and he doesn't really preach, but he goes to that church and gives rides to people who want to go.

My mom started talking about how it's going to kill her if I keep going on like this. So then my cousin and aunt was there at the time with us and said it would be my fault if something happened to her.

[Yuki-Anne]

Your family is putting pressure on you that they downright shouldn't be, saying your behavior and your choices are going to kill your mother. That's simply not true, and it's an extremely cruel way to control you.

I wish I had good advice but it sounds to me like your family has a habit of using these guilt trips to control your behavior. Is there a way that you can call them out on this, preferably one-on-one with your mother? It's bad enough that your mother guilts you in this way, but to have your family gang up on you like that is extremely unfair, especially since what you want is not unreasonable at all. All you want is to go to a different church at least once.

I'm going to tell you what I tell pretty much everybody: Get a copy of the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (shameless amazon plug here: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-T ... 0310247454). It will change your life. It talks about what in our lives and relationships is our responsibility, and what is not. Your family seems to have no sense of boundaries, with not allowing you to have any free choice, and what's worse, with making you feel guilty for wanting to make choices that frankly are your right and personal responsibility to make.

When they're in the habit of violating your boundaries this badly, then establishing healthy boundaries is going to be very, very difficult. But I highly recommend you read the book and take some of its advice on how to do so.

All I can really tell you now is that your mother is using her illness to control you, and if you do something on your own and she dies during that time, it would ABSOLUTELY not be your fault. Taking control of your own life is not going to kill her. If she's dying already, then it's going to happen when it happens regardless of the choices you make. For your family to throw that kind of responsibility on you is downright WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS.

[Xeno]

Everything Yuki said.

People using guilt and fear tactics to control people makes me sick. Make your own choices starting now or you'll have a ton of resentment later in life towards the people who were pressuring you. I harbored plenty of resentment, and I still do in some cases, for the people who guilted and used fear to hold me in a denomination that I lost faith in long before I left, and then continued the process after I left anyway. You have to make your own choices or you'll just keep being a little puppet.

[Jigzy]

My mom starts freaking out saying stuff like "You know you're going to kill me?" and making me feel guilty. I do my best to try and respect her wishes and I've already been wanting to get back in contact with that family even since like 2009, but even she stopped me back then, but I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. So I guess I have to get all depressed and start crying before she lets me do whatever I want. I mean I know she has heart failure and kidney disease, but that's right she shouldn't really use that to control me and my aunt and cousin shouldn't make me the blame if something were to happen to her. Not only this but, she controls me on just about everything. I mean I don't mind her giving me her opinions on things like this, but she can't run my life. I just don't know what to do when she starts controlling me like this, because I love my my mother very much and I don't like hurting her, but I also wanna be able to make my own decisions.

[K. Ayato]

You're not hurting her by deciding to live your life free of her opinions. She's not going to like it, but she'll have to see for herself that if she wants you to be happy and productive in life, she'll have to let go of the control she wields over you. And if she still doesn't, don't cave in. It's not wrong to be concerned for her health, but this habit of wanting to be your own person AND win her approval of your choices is only gonna keep you miserable.

[Jigzy]

Then she starts saying that I love them more than I love her or I would listen to her.

[Atria35]

Then she starts saying that I love them more than I love her or I would listen to her.

That is not true and a blatant, common thing that people who are manipulators say.

I have to echo what K said. Your mother is using your love for her to manipulate you into doing what she wants. That is not a healthy relationship, especially when you are over 20. I am happy to say that the majority of rational, emotionally healthy adults are perfectly capable of taking the input of someone they love, but coming to a decision that differs from what they think should be done.

And their families are able to accept it.

That is how a normal, functioning familial relationship should work.

I have to echo her book recommendation and agreeing that you need to set boundaries. She might feel that you need an over abundance of protection or can't make good decisions because of your mild autism. And, unfortunately, she has the rest of your family thinking that, too. It might be worth seeing if there are counseling services in your area that might be able to help as well, since there seems to be a need for a third party to get involv.

After all, if she is like this over church, what would happen if you started dating? Would you let her dictate who you married? Or when and how many kids you had if you got married? Heck, what about simply moving out? This is an issue tht need to be nipped in the bud before it goes too far.