Okay, just a heads-up, I love critiquing stuff, and I'm not trying to be mean at all. I've got a lot to critique but understand that I'm saying all this not because I'm being nitpicky or I want to tear you down. I think it's cool that you're writing a story, and I think you've got an interesting concept here. So, whatever you do, don't get upset or feel like your story is hopeless or that I hated it or anything like that. I'm just going to be really specific. I hope you don't mind if I do a blow-by-blow critique.
Chronicler1701 wrote:The events of the last month were still fresh in Kevin's mind. He had met the archangel Michael, the cherub Ashley, two Spirits, Flood and Nyro, two Solar Guardians, Shadow and Reah, and above all, God Himself.
"What'cha thinkin' about?" Tamahara inquired.
Okay, this is probably due to it being the middle of the story, but these scene is not set up well. I have no idea where we are or who is present. On the first reading I thought all of the people listed in the first paragraph were part of this scene, so, subsequently, when the battle commences, I wonder why there's this crowd of powerful beings on the beach and none of them are helping Kevin.
"Just all that's happened in the last few weeks. The lot of us have thwarted a Jovian conspiracy to eradicate Mercurians. We've become personally acquainted with—" he stopped when the group of six heard the guttural groaning emanating from the sea about three hundred feet away. Kevin changed to Nyro and teleported the group to about fifty feet away from the beach where the miserable wail originated. He alone wandered toward where the ocean met the sand. He changed to the Spirit of Water and studied the deep.
With no warning whatsoever, a gigantic, clawed appendage grabbed at him. He screamed at the others, "Go, NOW!!!" Everyone but the Guardians complied.
Again, it sounds like the whole crowd of the first paragraph, including God Himself, is just kind of standing there slack-jawed while Kevin is attacked. Also, now that you mention it...
why isn't anyone helping him? Just because he tells them to leave? There might be a couple of people in a party of heroes (I'm assuming there are some brave, powerful beings hanging out here) who do that but what might make it more interesting is if you have some characters with enough bravado and pride that they're not going to let an 11-year-old do all the fighting. I'm not impressed with any of these characters at the moment, because, One of Prophecy or not, if they have even the slightest bit of power at least
one of them should feel like they've got a responsibility to help. This is especially glaring at the end when this happens:
As the One of Prophecy dragged himself toward the rest of the party, he passed by the male Guardian, who noticed his limping trudge and his difficult breathing. "You okay, kid?" asked Shadow, out of genuine concern.
At first I was like, "I don't know why this guy is a 'guardian' or what a guardian is but he sounds like a pretty useless one to me. It's hard to believe he's genuinely concerned when he didn't lift a finger to help the
11-year-old." But then I realized I missed this:
Shadow had made his way back onto the beach and was firing shock bombs at the massive beast's gut. All he succeeded in doing was agitating Leviathan into an even higher level of rage.
However, this makes me wonder, again, how many people are in this party and why is this one guy the only one even trying to help? And why do you have a group of people at all if all the other characters are completely useless, even the ones who try to help? The only thing I get out of this is that Kevin is the only person who matters because he's the only person who can do anything at all. I feel like you've got this group of people who exist only for the sake of the main character, and they have very little in the way of personality or substance. Who are they? What do
they want and what do they talk about aside from Kevin? These are probably unfair questions to ask at the moment because this excerpt is an action sequence mainly featuring Kevin, but it's hard to get into because I have no idea who anybody is or why I should care about them at all.
"LEVIATHAN!! I SAID, ‘GO’!!" he answered as he forced them away. Another appendage crushed Water, impelling him into the sand.
...do you by any chance watch Supernatural? Also, here's a definition of impel:
1. to urge or force (a person) to an action; constrain or motivate
2. to push, drive, or force into motion
This leads me to the next thing I noticed about your writing style: you're using fancy words when normal words will do. For example, the sentence will be just as interesting if you simply say "driving him into the sand." It's an easier word to imagine, not only because you've incorrectly used the word "impel," but also because it's a word we use in our everyday speech.
Speaking of which, "appendage" is a really vague word. I have no idea what I'm supposed to imagine. Is it an arm? A tentacle? A segmented spider leg? All I know is that it is "clawed." Try to use specific words rather than broad words when you can. Another example:
He shed his human guise and made his way up the creature's limb.
Rather than "made his way," using a more specific verb will help your audience get in the action. You could say "climbed" or "grappled" or "slithered" (after all, maybe when he sheds his human guise he looks like a snake?). Again, you don't have to get fancy and use a word we never use in every day speech, but getting more specific with your verbs will help a whole lot.
The Spirit made his way onto the beast's head.
"You and Nyro are temporarily revoked from Kevin's arsenal."
"Who is next?"
"Strength. Kevin, you must slay this most impressive of beasts."
I have no idea what is happening here. Who is the Spirit? Is it Kevin? Because last I saw Kevin was fighting alone and clambering his way up the massive beast, so... Kevin is the Spirit? But then why is he talking to himself? Who is speaking? Wait, what? Is Strength a character or an Element? I'm getting really confused about your concept here.
Kevin stood atop Leviathan's head, and drew his swords, neutron matter forming the blades.
Okay, hang on a second. Not only can Kevin switch between magic powers, but he also has neutron blades of ambiguous origin? Is that an option all the time, or is it only available now because "Strength" is up next?
Leviathan caught the sight of the sand billowing up from the site of impact and made its way lumbering to the eleven-year-old boy.
Again with the "made its way" thing. You should just avoid that phrase altogether, since you can
always replace it with a more interesting verb. Actually, you used the more interesting verb redundantly. You could just say, "It lumbered over to the eleven-year-old boy."
Tommy caught up with the girl and yanked her away from the mortifying appalling sight.
Who? What? There are too many characters here and I have no idea how anybody's related to anybody else, aside from Zipora being Kevin's sister. Also... just as a matter of interest, your story predates the name "Kevin." (
http://www.behindthename.com/name/kevin) I bring this up because I'm wondering why, in the midst of all of these fun fantasy names (set in the 1100's, correct?), there are people named "Kevin" and "Tommy".
He lunged himself out of the beast's mouth
Don't need "himself"; "He lunged out of the beast's mouth" does just fine. Once principle of creative writing I learned in college: If you can cut a word out of a sentence and not change the meaning at all, do so. Make your sentences as concise and crisp as possible.
Leviathan attempted to shake the One of Prophecy off of its limb. It was unsuccessful. Kevin crawled along the monster's limb towards its head.
Okay, this is another distracting thing: Kevin. The One of Prophecy. The eleven-year-old. The Spirit (?). There are so many ways you're referring to this one person and it's kind of difficult to follow. Just calling him "Kevin" will probably do for most scenes, because you've got enough characters and names as it is without adding more complications.
The creature's tail swiped into his side, sending him flying into a sheer granite rock face nearby. The armor covering his body began malfunctioning because of the immense impact. He removed the armor, something he hadn't done for seven years.
Wait, wait, wait. He's been wearing the same suit of armor since he was
four? Hasn't he, like, grown at all in seven years? Or is this weird magical armor that grows with him? Does it bathe him, too? Are there holes in it for when nature calls?
For that matter, why is your character so young? Is there a reason relevant to the plot why he has to be eleven? When was the last time you met an eleven-year-old boy you would trust the fate of the world with? How does the pressure of having to save the world affect this child developmentally? Does he ever think about what it would be like to be a normal eleven-year-old? Speaking of which, what did normal eleven-year-olds do in the 1100's, aside from try not to die of plague? Where are this kid's parents? How do they feel about all this? Please don't tell me they're dead, because freaking everybody's parents are dead. What about his sister? Does she feel jealous at all that her brother gets all the powers and attention? Does she have powers? Does this run in the family? WHO IS THIS TOMMY PERSON?!
Sorry, there are just so many questions. I don't know if you've thought about all this stuff but these questions may help you to flesh out this character and the supporting characters a bit more. I just have a hard time accepting an eleven-year-old named Kevin as the Prophesied Hero of a fantasy novel,
especially if you're asking me to believe that he's been doing it since he was four.
The heavy blades of Kevin's swords glided through the mammoth animal's flesh without resistance, severing its cranium from the rest of its body. The head of the now-conquered Leviathan fell unsupported to the sandy beach, and the remainder of the great beast's corpse collapsed to the ground. Oddly enough, when the creature was decapitated, no blood was to be found within its body.
Again, overly wordy. Permit me, again, to show you how to make your sentences more crisp and concise. "Kevin's heavy swords glided through the mammoth's flesh, severing its head." You don't need "without resistance" when you use "glided", nor do you need "from the rest of its body"; the word "sever" helps me figure out the rest. And that's the beauty of using concrete verbs! You don't need half these adjectives and nouns when you use the right verbs. "Leviathan's head fell to the sand, his corpse collapsing behind him. Yet there was no blood in its body." Did the way I rewrite your sentences change any of the content? Not really. I said the same thing you did, but what you said in 63 words I found a way to say in 30.
He then saw the glyphs Yäk-Urik-Katör-Asheron-Ahd-Möt, a strong, expressive face, then blackness.
...I'm assuming this is something that will be or has already been explained elsewhere.
Zipora, with her eyes filled with tears, pleaded, "Kevin, please tell me you're okay," and placed her hands on his shoulders, after which he succumbed to his several injuries and fell to the ground, unconscious.
What mechana said about point of view.
Critique over. Sorry if it seemed a little rough. The English teacher in me doesn't come out to play often, and she is a harsh mistress. But I hope that by getting very specific critique, you now have some concrete ideas about how to improve your story.