Still not feeling accepted around others...

[dothackzero]

So how would you ask a girl to goto a Bible study with you? Okay, so there's this girl that I haven't talked to in a few months, but I do still have her phone number. Would it be normal to just call her, and talk to her a little bit and just invite her to Bible study even if I've never called her before. Though she did give her phone number.

[Xeno]

1. Is getting her to go to the bible study a pretense to get into her pants?
2a. If you answered yes to question one, do not call her.
2b. If you answered no to question one, then call her, tell her who you are in case she doesn't have your number anymore (some of us purge numbers from our contact list every so often if people don't talk to us), and just invite her to the bible study.
3. Assuming 2b is what happens, other conversation may happen, but do not force it.

[Vilo159]

You ask her. With words. Such as, "Hey, wanna go to this bible study with me on ____ ?"

[dothackzero]

1. Is getting her to go to the bible study a pretense to get into her pants?
2a. If you answered yes to question one, do not call her.
2b. If you answered no to question one, then call her, tell her who you are in case she doesn't have your number anymore (some of us purge numbers from our contact list every so often if people don't talk to us), and just invite her to the bible study.
3. Assuming 2b is what happens, other conversation may happen, but do not force it.

I'm not trying to get into her pants

[goldenspines]

As condescending as Xeno's comments come across, it is important to know what your motivation is (also, a bad reputation is a hard one to break. Don't get too discouraged about it, though). When you extend any sort of invitation, like with small talk, you need to be thinking of the other person more than your own needs.
If you are somehow nervous about making phone calls, just make sure to introduce yourself in case she doesn't remember you or doesn't have caller ID (like, either say your full name, or if she would know you better by where she knows you, you can say, "This is [your name] from [place you know me from, e.g. church, school, etc.].)
Then once she remembers who you are, just extend the invite (e.g. "There's this great bible study I go to every [weekday here] at [time here] and I was wondering if you would like to come [this week/next week (give her at least 4-5 days notice)]. If she says "no" or "maybe, I'm not sure.", stay cool and keep the invite open ("Aw okay. But please feel free to come to the study anytime."). If she says "yes" that she'll come, then you have quite a big responsibility to make her feel welcome in the group. Introduce her to the fellow people who come to the study, make conversation (see small talk guide), etc.

If she doesn't answer the phone, just leave her a message, clearly stating who you are, the invite, and then say your phone number at the end (I know most phones can just redial, but this is out of politeness). Make sure to not mumble and state your message clearly (though not shouting).


I understand you are still wary of interacting with people because of past mistakes and criticism, but please don't stress about it too much. Just remember, when making friends, you need to take the focus off yourself and instead think of the other person and their feelings. If you do that, it's a big step in the right direction.

[SierraLea]

This is the second day I've cried because people judge before they try to understand. Since I'm neurologically different, I'm very sensitive to being different in other aspects of my life. That's why, if I can't be super proud of it or I think there's even a slight chance that people might get the wrong idea, I keep it hidden and don't let anyone else in. I also obsess over things that make me different from other people, even if it's different from 50% of the rest of the population, like the pinky finger thing I wrote about in the just for girls thread. While others can brush it off as a cool fact, it hits me like a ton of bricks. When I try to talk to others about this obsessiveness, they just write it off as something I shouldn't go through because "everyone is different" or "difference is not a bad thing", but they don't step into my shoes and try to see it from the perspective of someone who's very sensitie about these things.
This is a story that has a piece of advice buried in it. If someone says you don't understand, you probably don't and need to give them another listen. It will help.

[Xeno]

But having a sensitivity about things is not a crutch to live behind for your whole life. Everyone has things they're sensitive about, be it their physical appearance, some kind of past emotional damage done by a person of group that pushes them into avoidance, a disposition to always try to be just a current with the new trends as everyone else and never be criticized for being out of date, or whatever else. People have things they are sensitive about. But you can't just hide behind it, because that only makes you weaker. The sensitivity will probably never go away, and there is a good chance you have have to struggle with it from time to time, but over coming it makes you a stronger person.

Having things like neurological disorders (which is not a deformity, it's a disorder) and atypical pinky fingers are the result of genetics. Not necessarily bad genetics, but just genetics. Bad genetics are if you're born with a foot grown out of your chest or one lung or some other horrible flaw that severely limits your ability to live. Your pinky finger issue is obviously not doing that, and you are not the only person to have been born with short or missing digits on one or both hands. I have a friend in West Virginia, she is a devout Catholic like yourself, before quitting her job to become a stay at home mother for her child (now two children) she worked in the art and design department for a local magazine. She is missing a thumb on one hand and part of her index finger on the other, and she completes tasks as if she has both of them fully intact.

Having a physical difference from those around you is frustrating, especially if it places actual limitations on you and how you can live your life, but most people don't even notice little differences like the length of other people's pinky fingers, or the obscene amount of scars on my elbow (along with the fact that I have to pop it about every 15 to 30 minutes), or even my friend's missing fingers unless they actually look. Often times people do understand where someone is coming from, just the teller doesn't like the response the listener has to offer, so it is assumed that the listener didn't understand.

e: additional note, we are all different from each other. That is what makes life so interesting. If we were all the same life would be incredibly boring and monotonous, completely unworth living in because everyone would be exactly alike. The differences that comprise each of us. The uniqueness of each of our bodies that still adhere to our evolved or god-given form (whichever theory you prefer), our minds (in how we think and process information) are what make us different. Being life everyone else, being made to conform, be it in how I must dress, or how I should be expected for all of my body to look, or how I should think offends me. It is the differences that make us great; because if we were all the same, all it would take is one person who was different with a catchy idea to lead us along like lemmings. And history has shown this to be the case in places where conformity was demanded.

[dothackzero]

Still, It's hard to talk to a girl on the phone. Talking on the phone makes me so freaking nervous.

[Ante Bellum]

Welcome to life. We all have to talk on the phone, and not always for something as simple as casual conversation.

[armeck]

You seem to have a general fear of woman, you know they really aren't that scary.

[SilverToast]

Still, It's hard to talk to a girl on the phone. Talking on the phone makes me so freaking nervous.

I get nervous talking to people on the phone too but with practice it goes away. It helps to just relax and speak slowly and clearly one word at a time. Also having planned what you are going to say makes it less stressful and easier to talk. Follow Goldy's small talk advice and practice speaking and you will be better at communicating!

[dothackzero]

I swear, why does it seem like every girl I'm interested in is already taken. Really, this is become a bigger problem for me than know what to say now...

[K. Ayato]

Why are you so desperate?

[dothackzero]

I don't want to live life alone.

[Xeno]

I swear, why does it seem like every girl I'm interested in is already taken. Really, this is become a bigger problem for me than know what to say now...

I know right? All those women and not a single one will sleep with you.

[dothackzero]

If you really think the core of what I'm looking is sex, then you really don't understand.

[Xeno]

If it wasn't then standard friendships would satisfy whatever needs it is that you feel aren't being met and you'd quit posting in this thread with your "woe-is-me" e/n crybaby BS. Grow up kid, good chance you may never end up with someone, and even if you do you will still die alone. We all do. Death is a solitary thing, no one can go with you. Make as much of your life as you can with what you have and quit wasting it pissing about how you don't have a girlfriend. This thread has gotten so tiresome it's become an eyesore.

[K. Ayato]

Your life verse obviously is "It is not good for man to be alone". Talk about taking something out of context. Maybe you should take a good look at 1 Corinthians 6 and 7 and how Paul shares there can be benefits to NOT being married or in a relationship.

[Vilo159]

I don't want to live life alone.

You have plenty of time,. there's no need to worry so much about it.

@Xeno: I'd say that the desire to be in a relationship for the sake of having a significant other, not for sexual satisfaction, is a legitimate desire, it's ok for him to feel that way.

@K. Ayato: You're using those out of context too, though, because Paul was talking about those people serving full-time as missionaries/evangelists. At least that's my understanding of it; maybe that came from something in the JST, I'll have to check.

[dothackzero]

Your life verse obviously is "It is not good for man to be alone". Talk about taking something out of context. Maybe you should take a good look at 1 Corinthians 6 and 7 and how Paul shares there can be benefits to NOT being married or in a relationship.

"25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."

He was talking about the present crisis. As in the one that Jesus was talking about Rome(Or atleast I think it was rome) invading Isreal. That part isn't ment for people 2000 years later.

[Xeno]

I don't want to live life alone.

You have plenty of time,. there's no need to worry so much about it.

@Xeno: I'd say that the desire to be in a relationship for the sake of having a significant other, not for sexual satisfaction, is a legitimate desire, it's ok for him to feel that way.

I'm not saying that is not a legitimate desire. What is unacceptable is that he has allowed it to define and consume his life. This is all that he is. This is all that he cares about. He posts about nothing but his failures with the opposite gender. The consumption of one's life by the drive to obtain a partner is not based on wanting to have an equal life with each other, and it certainly is not based on mutual respect. That forms out of an actual relationship forming between two people. The controlling nature of his desire has caused this to move from something legitimate to something that is illegitimate and unwarranted.

@K. Ayato: You're using those out of context too, though, because Paul was talking about those people serving full-time as missionaries/evangelists. At least that's my understanding of it; maybe that came from something in the JST, I'll have to check.

7:25-35 Considering the distress of those times, the unmarried state was best. Notwithstanding, the apostle does not condemn marriage. How opposite are those to the apostle Paul who forbid many to marry, and entangle them with vows to remain single, whether they ought to do so or not! He exhorts all Christians to holy indifference toward the world. As to relations; they must not set their hearts on the comforts of the state. As to afflictions; they must not indulge the sorrow of the world: even in sorrow the heart may be joyful. As to worldly enjoyments; here is not their rest. As to worldly employment; those that prosper in trade, and increase in wealth, should hold their possessions as though they held them not. As to all worldly concerns; they must keep the world out of their hearts, that they may not abuse it when they have it in their hands. All worldly things are show; nothing solid. All will be quickly gone. Wise concern about worldly interests is a duty; but to be full of care, to have anxious and perplexing care, is a sin. By this maxim the apostle solves the case whether it were advisable to marry. That condition of life is best for every man, which is best for his soul, and keeps him most clear of the cares and snares of the world. Let us reflect on the advantages and snares of our own condition in life; that we may improve the one, and escape as far as possible all injury from the other. And whatever cares press upon the mind, let time still be kept for the things of the Lord.

[Vilo159]

I'm not saying that is not a legitimate desire. What is unacceptable is that he has allowed it to define and consume his life. This is all that he is. This is all that he cares about. He posts about nothing but his failures with the opposite gender. The consumption of one's life by the drive to obtain a partner is not based on wanting to have an equal life with each other, and it certainly is not based on mutual respect. That forms out of an actual relationship forming between two people. The controlling nature of his desire has caused this to move from something legitimate to something that is illegitimate and unwarranted.

@K. Ayato: You're using those out of context too, though, because Paul was talking about those people serving full-time as missionaries/evangelists. At least that's my understanding of it; maybe that came from something in the JST, I'll have to check.

7:25-35 Considering the distress of those times, the unmarried state was best. Notwithstanding, the apostle does not condemn marriage. How opposite are those to the apostle Paul who forbid many to marry, and entangle them with vows to remain single, whether they ought to do so or not! He exhorts all Christians to holy indifference toward the world. As to relations; they must not set their hearts on the comforts of the state. As to afflictions; they must not indulge the sorrow of the world: even in sorrow the heart may be joyful. As to worldly enjoyments; here is not their rest. As to worldly employment; those that prosper in trade, and increase in wealth, should hold their possessions as though they held them not. As to all worldly concerns; they must keep the world out of their hearts, that they may not abuse it when they have it in their hands. All worldly things are show; nothing solid. All will be quickly gone. Wise concern about worldly interests is a duty; but to be full of care, to have anxious and perplexing care, is a sin. By this maxim the apostle solves the case whether it were advisable to marry. That condition of life is best for every man, which is best for his soul, and keeps him most clear of the cares and snares of the world. Let us reflect on the advantages and snares of our own condition in life; that we may improve the one, and escape as far as possible all injury from the other. And whatever cares press upon the mind, let time still be kept for the things of the Lord.

Alright, that first part is a good point, I can accept that.

I checked, and yes, the clarification of it being advice to missionaries is only in the Joseph Smith Translation, so it's solely a mormon view. I guess that makes my argument invalid to everyone else.

[armeck]

one thing worth noting is simply being in a relationship (or having a significant other if you prefer to put it that way) doesn't automatically make you not alone. even if you live together it doesn't automatically make you not lonely. if you think it will then brace yourself for some hardcore disappointment

[dothackzero]

So anyone know of any good preachers that know how to deal with stuff like loneliness? Other than that my people skills are getting better, but part of the problem is that I'm just not meeting new people.

[shooraijin]

I'm not quite sure a preacher will change that. I don't meet a lot of new people these days either, but that's just the nature of getting to a certain point in your life.

[K. Ayato]

A preacher or shrink won't help you if you're not truly willing to change. Oh, you may tell us you are for 5 more pages on this thread, but you have to be willing to KEEP AT IT even when it gets tough. If you're continually going back to your "woe is me" mentality when something doesn't work, is it really any wonder why we're annoyed that you give up so easily?

[Xeno]

Here's a suggestion, rather than sitting on your computer and getting beat up on the Internet for asking the same question over and over again, why don't you go out and actually meet some people? Find some hole in the wall bar or something, and spend some time there, the people you could meet may shock you.
Church isn't where social interaction begins and ends. Not everyone has to go to bible study, or meet when their eyes lock while receiving the Eucharist. Sometimes you can just meet people while frequenting your favorite social spot. And if you don't have one, find one, and start going as much as you can.

[MrKrillz0r]

Pastor Mark Driscoll has a lot of videos regarding singleness, marriage, becoming a man etc. uploaded on youtube, I'd recommend checking his channel out.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/user/mhcseattle/ ... rid&view=1

And here's a video made by a newly married couple: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ww0ho3VUmM

By reading this thread I can tell you don't need to find a relationship right now though. What you seem to need is to find your identity in Jesus instead of trying to find it in a girl or whatever else you might think will satisfy your needs. Because social anxiety, OCD and depression will not be overcome by finding a partner, these things will persist and probably get even worse if you enter a relationship, even if it might boost your mood for a short while.

I have to ask though, is your focus really on God as you are going through this? Because all I can see in this thread is ego, self pity and a desperate attempt to satisfy your need for intimacy. If you instead of looking at yourself would fix your eyes on Christ, and let him rule over your life, then this extreme need for intimacy would be satisfied. Christ is the solution to all of these matters, the solution to your depressing feelings, the solution to your need for intimacy and the solution for your social anxiety! You wont find it in a girl, a job, a huge circle of friends or anything else, you'll only find it in Jesus. I mean, If you truly do believe that Christ died for you, why are you not focusing on him instead of focusing on yourself? He who was spotless and without sin gave his life for us so that we may be forgiven of our sins, and made into new beings as a children of God. Does this not convict you to live your life for him, instead of putting all your thoughts on how you might satisfy yourself?

I might come off as harsh but I wanted to tell you this out of love. Don't keep him waiting, confess your sin and turn away from it. And trust him with your burdens, he'll provide for you.

(Also I still highly suggest checking out Mark Driscoll, I think a lot of what he says might help you out.)

God bless!

[Xeno]

Mark Driscoll is that last person on Earth I want giving advice to anyone about anything. Here is an example of why, Slate.com - A Shunning in Seattle.

Also, just praying and having more faith isn't going to fix someone's OCD/anxiety/depression/whatever. Believing that is ignorant and it drives ignorance when you get other people to believe it too. The best thing dot can do is TO focus on himself and work out his own personal problems first.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Yeah please don't ever use Mark Driscoll as a reference. He's a pretty horrible person.