Dating...um

[akorecki1]

Hey, everyone i am not sure where this would go so it is in general now. I am 15 and just started dating again. My mom wanted me to make some rules that I have to fallow in order to stay in a relationship. And I only have a few I was wondering if any of the parents on the CAA could help and teens you may help to if you've got any ideas. I would appreciate it a bunch thanks! This is what I've got so far:
1. I must keep my grades up.
2. No forms of affection above handholding.
3. On dates go to a public place like the movies or a restaurant.
4. DO NOT go to his house if his parents are not home.
5. If the guy won’t control how far it will go you do.

[Nate]

Number 2 seems pretty bad to me but 1 3 and 4 sound pretty good. I'm not sure what you're saying exactly with 5.

[akorecki1]

Number 2 seems pretty bad to me but 1 3 and 4 sound pretty good. I'm not sure what you're saying exactly with 5.

i meant for number 5 If the guy won’t control how far it will go you do.

[Nate]

I think I get it now, sort of. That kind of seems like something you should discuss before you start dating though rather than something you just leave up in the air until the situation occurs.

[Xeno]

i meant for number 5 If the guy won’t control how far it will go you do.

What if he wants to control it all the way to the backseat of his drop-top '67 Mustang?

[Nate]

That would conflict with rule 2 though.

[Xeno]

That would conflict with rule 2 though.

It would. I'm pointing that out.

[Makachop^^128]

Rule 2 seems kinda....strict but 15 is young i guess to date, Number 3 and 4 are very smart

[Nate]

Ah I see your point. I think rule 2 isn't a very good rule in the first place though.

There is still a way to resolve the inherent contradiction though! If the guy wants to not even hold hands, then it would fulfill rule 2's requirements and also it would be him controlling how far to go, but if he doesn't say holding hands is bad then she would control it with rule 2's stipulation.

How do these things rank anyway? Is hugging lower or higher than holding hands? What about a kiss on the cheek, where does that rank? Especially when you take into consideration that a kiss on the cheek is a common greeting between friends in other countries rather than a handshake.

Also what about blowing kisses?

[armeck]

Regarding rule #2. Did you come up with this or did your mom? If you did I think nate makes a very good point in saying that what counts as beyond hand holding is a very subjective term. However, if this is your mothers rule I know everyone on here would agree that you should respect that.

[K. Ayato]

Bigger question is, did she make these rules without involving your feedback?

[akorecki1]

Regarding rule #2. Did you come up with this or did your mom? If you did I think nate makes a very good point in saying that what counts as beyond hand holding is a very subjective term. However, if this is your mothers rule I know everyone on here would agree that you should respect that.

My mom and I agreed on these rules and above hand holding is like making out in the hallways or a few other inappropriate things i would rather no mention. The things that i can do are like peck on the cheek and hugs and flirting.

[Xeno]

My mom and I agreed on these rules and above hand holding is like making out in the hallways or a few other inappropriate things i would rather no mention. The things that i can do are like peck on the cheek and hugs and flirting.

Woah, woah, woah now...making out in a hallway is DEFINITELY not a serious as holding hands. You don't have to be in a committed relationship to make out in a hallway.

[AndrewinIce]

I would suggest a rule being always call your mother/father/guardian and let them know where you are every hour or when you leave a place, when you get to a place.

[akorecki1]

Woah, woah, woah now...making out in a hallway is DEFINITELY not a serious as holding hands. You don't have to be in a committed relationship to make out in a hallway.

I know i know i was young and stupid i am sure we have all been there before. But i sort of meant in like the school hallway in public.

[DarkNozomi]

5. If the guy won’t control how far it will go you do.

No. If the guy won't control how far he goes, you say goodbye. There seems to be this popular idea that the girl needs to be the one to "control" how far things go, police the speed limit of a relationship. Not how it works; guys are as responsible for the pace of physical contact as girls.

[Makachop^^128]

I would suggest a rule being always call your mother/father/guardian and let them know where you are every hour or when you leave a place, when you get to a place.

Agreed!! My ex and I got into a lot of trouble because he never let his parents know where we were, or tell me were we were going so I could tell MY parents. Bad mistake.

[Zeldafan2]

I actually like all these rules, especially considering you're a bit young to be dating.

No. If the guy won't control how far he goes, you say goodbye. There seems to be this popular idea that the girl needs to be the one to "control" how far things go, police the speed limit of a relationship. Not how it works; guys are as responsible for the pace of physical contact as girls.

This all the way.

[K. Ayato]

Wear a chastity belt?

[Makachop^^128]

Ah I see your point. I think rule 2 isn't a very good rule in the first place though.

There is still a way to resolve the inherent contradiction though! If the guy wants to not even hold hands, then it would fulfill rule 2's requirements and also it would be him controlling how far to go, but if he doesn't say holding hands is bad then she would control it with rule 2's stipulation.

How do these things rank anyway? Is hugging lower or higher than holding hands? What about a kiss on the cheek, where does that rank? Especially when you take into consideration that a kiss on the cheek is a common greeting between friends in other countries rather than a handshake.

Also what about blowing kisses?

I think hugs and holding hands is good for a 15 year old dating, but it also depends on the person, its hard for me to be open with someone in a relationship that I don't even feel comfortable hugging. but it all depends on were you are comfortable and how you yourself react to things I guess making stricter rules in the beginning is a really smart way to go.

Edit: I think I just think of Hugging as a comfort thing more then anything else.

[Nate]

I would suggest a rule being always call your mother/father/guardian and let them know where you are every hour

Every hour is ridiculous, especially if you're going to the movies. Are you telling her to be one of those jerks who talks on their cell phone during the movie? You should be punched in the face for encouraging those jerks.

Wear a chastity belt?

There's about three ways I can think of to respond to this and none of them is very good.

its hard for me to be open with someone in a relationship that I don't even feel comfortable hugging. but it all depends on were you are comfortable and how you yourself react to things

This is important. I've mentioned twice I think number 2 is a bad rule, but I'm saying that from the perspective of thinking that resisting physical contact is unhealthy assuming you desire it. In other words, if she wanted to kiss him but is like "No I can't that's against THE RULES" then I think it's a bad rule.

If she wouldn't be comfortable kissing a guy she dated then I don't think it's a bad rule at all...but then again if she didn't want to do it there wouldn't really need to be a rule in the first place I guess. Like, I don't need to make a rule to not watch the Twilight movies because I don't want to watch them in the first place.

[goldenspines]

I really don't think 15 year olds should be dating, period, but I'm strict like that. Really, it's not worth it until you're older and when know yourself much better. You'd be surprised how much you can change in 1 or even 2 years from now. It's better to just enjoy your life and pursue hobbies, school, etc. and not get life complicated by a guy.


Otherwise, what everyone else said about finding what you are okay with. Don't "cater" to a guy by doing things you'd be uncomfortable with just for him to like you. Be confident in the boundaries you set and stick to them no matter what.

[Yamamaya]

My mom and I agreed on these rules and above hand holding is like making out in the hallways or a few other inappropriate things i would rather no mention. The things that i can do are like peck on the cheek and hugs and flirting.

That fact makes me very happy. Believe me when I say I know far too many girls who have no say in these matters even when they become adults. Their mothers just throw Joshua Harris books at them and demand obedience. I'm glad this isn't the case for you.

Most of those rules seem pretty good. Just try to avoid too much serious attitudes in the relationship, and keep your head on your shoulders. Also as for Rule 2, keep in mind that the more you get to know someone the more comfortable you are with them, and the more those barriers might relax.

I kind of agree with goldy, but every person is different and if you and your mother agree that's all that matters for now.

[AndrewinIce]

Every hour is ridiculous, especially if you're going to the movies. Are you telling her to be one of those jerks who talks on their cell phone during the movie? You should be punched in the face for encouraging those jerks.

I've mentioned twice I think number 2 is a bad rule, but I'm saying that from the perspective of thinking that resisting physical contact is unhealthy assuming you desire it.

Whoa, Someone is getting hot under the collar... However, a movie could be an exception, but she could always just text in movies, which most people do anyways. And every hour is not 'ridiculous'. It will help her and her boyfriend remember these rules and remember her parents, which will help her.

And I completely disagree. Just because you desire something does not mean that it is unhealthy to resist it. Have you ever heard of 'Temptation'?


[U]No. If the guy won't control how far he goes, you say goodbye. There seems to be this popular idea that the girl needs to be the one to "control" how far things go, police the speed limit of a relationship. Not how it works]


I Agree. It is insulting to me as a Male when people think that because I'm a young man, I will go as far as the girl will let me.

[Makachop^^128]

Oh yea! I was gonna suggest something, I know myself I share way too much with someone I'm in a relationship with, I mean stuff about my past or just too much of myself too fast. When you do that it tends to speed up things and you become too close to the person too soon. I've made it a rule with myself to not share everything just when I get comfortable with them. just a suggestion

No. If the guy won't control how far he goes, you say goodbye. There seems to be this popular idea that the girl needs to be the one to "control" how far things go, police the speed limit of a relationship. Not how it works; guys are as responsible for the pace of physical contact as girls.

If the guy truely love you and is a strong christian, he is going to do his best to be pure. Yet both girls and guys can tempted this way, not just guys! I see many teen christian girls going to relationships thinking "Only the guy is gonna have this problem" and then mess up because they aren't prepared for it for themselves.

akorecki1 if you need a girl to talk to about advice I'm here

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Eh. I say take a stab at it and see what it's like to date somebody! It'll be at the least a learning experience for you.

But of course PLEASE be responsible. And please don't get knocked up. Make sure your boundaries are already established. And be intentional and communicative if you're going to go further and loosen some of the established boundaries over time.

[Yamamaya]

Oh yea! I was gonna suggest something, I know myself I share way too much with someone I'm in a relationship with, I mean stuff about my past or just too much of myself too fast. When you do that it tends to speed up things and you become too close to the person too soon. I've made it a rule with myself to not share everything just when I get comfortable with them. just a suggestion

This. Revealing too much too soon all at once is a bad idea. It can scare some people away and people will then feel obligated to share personal info about themselves to you before trust has been built between you two.

[Xeno]

Whoa, Someone is getting hot under the collar... However, a movie could be an exception, but she could always just text in movies, which most people do anyways. And every hour is not 'ridiculous'. It will help her and her boyfriend remember these rules and remember her parents, which will help her.

And I completely disagree. Just because you desire something does not mean that it is unhealthy to resist it. Have you ever heard of 'Temptation'?

Using a cell phone while in a movie is not cool. They're bright and annoying to everyone around, and you should turn that thing off or put it on vibrate or something so that the only time you pull it out of your pocket is when the world is about to end. Checking in every few hours is much more reasonable, but every hour is quite insane and anal-retentive.

[U]No. If the guy won't control how far he goes, you say goodbye. There seems to be this popular idea that the girl needs to be the one to "control" how far things go, police the speed limit of a relationship. Not how it works]


I Agree. It is insulting to me as a Male when people think that because I'm a young man, I will go as far as the girl will let me.

Nate didn't even address this part of your post, yet you felt the need to bring it back up and then act as if you were being insulted, BRAVO~! Heres the thing genius, if both people are "keeping control" of themselves constantly, nothing ever progresses...ever. That is why each person has to be willing to "police" the other person, but also be willing to make advances when they feel comfortable. If the guy makes a move that she isn't comfortable with the solution is not to just up and walk away and end everything right there because "OH MY GOSH, LIKE, HOW DARE HE TRY TO KISS ME ON THE EIGHTH DATE....LIKE BECKY...UGH...WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?!", the appropriate response would be to tell him she isn't comfortable with that yet. If he hadn't made the move he would never know she wasn't comfortable, or if she was okay with it he would not have been able to kiss her. Do you see how this works? If everyone is acting like a prude then no one ever gets anywhere.

[Atria35]

^ I rather have to agree with Xeno. The thing is, what people are comfortable with change over time, and since people don't sit down and talk with each other in regularly scheduled meetings about how their feelings have changed (can you imagine how awkward that would be? "Currenly, I'm 80% closer to feeling ready to hug you..."), a good amount of the time the only way to know is by whether someone makes a move to up the ante.

Also, it's utterly obnoxious and rude to use a phone in the theater. "Everyone else does it" is both arrogant and obnoxious.

[akorecki1]

I forgot something in the post that maybe you all should know about. The guy I am dating isn't christian but a real good friend that had a crush on me after he knew i had a crush on him.