I don't know what to do anymore

[samurai10]

This isn't so much a prayer thread as a thread asking for advice. But anyway.

So, um, there's this guy at my church who hangs around me a lot. And I mean, A LOT. Looking through my call log on my phone, we've called each other more than 20 times in the past freaking week. I've never even called my BFF that much before!

I don't really care about him hanging around me a lot. In fact, I kind of like it. (Especially since I kind of have a crush on him.... >.> I'll never admit it to him though. I'll die before I do.) He is a sweet kid after all. But that's the thing. He's a KID. In my eyes anyway. He's eleven, while I'm fourteen. I mean, his birthday's in January, but still.

He's had a crush on me for the longest time. He denies it, but you know, if you tell a friend who's a girl that you're jealous of a guy actor whom she thinks is pretty cute, it's kind of obvious that you have a crush on that girl. I really don't know why he has a crush on me. He's the second guy whom I know for sure has had a crush on me. Too many for my taste. >.>

Anyway, I don't care about his crush. But what I do care about is what it makes him foolishly do. A couple of months ago, we got in a silly argument about my weight, and he started wanting me to let him do this: http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs47/i/2009/180/6/a/Couples_Carrying_01_by_ELISE_stock.jpg And that was bad enough. He actually tricked me into letting him lift me by hugging really hard and lifting. >.>

But lately he's been bothering me about kissing. He really wants to kiss me. <.< I really don't want to. And I'm saying, I REALLY don't want to. If there's a guy I want to kiss, it's a boyfriend who's actually older than me. But I don't have one. So I don't want to kiss him, AT ALL. But he's really really been bothering me.

My question is: How should I get him to stop it with out breaking our friendship?

And man, this is long. Sorry for being so long-winded. >.> And thanks in advance for prayers and advice.

[K. Ayato]

Be up front and honest. Tell him you'd still like to remain friends but don't approve of his actions as of late. Should he not make adjustments, tell someone you trust to hold him accountable.

However, there's one thing I'm not sure I understand. You said you don't care about his crush on you, yet his actions are starting to upset you. Again, be 100% honest with him and how you feel. I only bring this up 'cause it sounds to me like you may have unknowingly given him the wrong signals and encouraging this crush he has on you.

Praying things clear up .

[goldenspines]

Bear in mind, to me, an eleven year old is really a kid. He's doesn't really have a place being anyone's boyfriend right now. XD; He's still growing up and learning about himself and he still has a ways to go before he will even know how important kissing is.
Judging from a very vague assumption, he probably just has a crush on you because you're really nice to him, and he wants to kiss you because that's what "grown-ups" do when they like each other.

But really, he is a kid. I know they're cute, but more in the puppy cute sort of way and not the cute guy you want to date sort of way. o.O;

My advice is just be honest with him. I mean, you can pull the whole "Want until you're older.", but that's not always the best response. Tell him you don't want to kiss him. Period. I mean, you can explain why, but it shouldn't be necessary. Plus, along with the carrying jokes, and hugs, etc, you can explain it makes you feel uncomfortable when he tricks you like that.
If he keeps bugging you, he's not respecting your choice and it may be better to widen the gap between you two until he can grow up more. :\

Overall, be as polite as possible, but still stand firm in your convictions. That will put the ball in his court and it will be his choice if the friendship lives or dies. There's not much more you can do.

I'll be praying, Sam! Best of luck.

[mechana2015]

1. His behavior is not acceptable. Not for anyone, 11, younger, or older.

2. You probably won't be able to tell him this without damaging your friendship in some way, but I hate to be blunt about this... in 4 years it won't matter much anyways, unless you plan on staying right where you're at for college, and it won't be a good friendship if he's trying to be physical with you all the time, especially if it persists as both of you get older. Especially if he can already pick you up and carry you around.

3. You may want to bring this up with his parents. He's still at an age where they have say 'bout this sort of thing since he's 11.

[Xeno]

1. His behavior is not acceptable. Not for anyone, 11, younger, or older.

2. You probably won't be able to tell him this without damaging your friendship in some way, but I hate to be blunt about this... in 4 years it won't matter much anyways, unless you plan on staying right where you're at for college, and it won't be a good friendship if he's trying to be physical with you all the time, especially if it persists as both of you get older.

3. You may want to bring this up with his parents. He's still at an age where they have say 'bout this sort of thing since he's 11.

Nail, meet hammer.

[ABlipinTime]

Nail, meet hammer.

Aw! You beat me to the punch! er, I mean hit.


On a more serious note:

@Samurai : I take it you prayed about the situation. (Just reminding you if you didn't) It's important to ask God. Be honest with the kid: do tell him that you don't want to kiss - don't try to imply it. Somehow, I don't think he'll catch a hint, given the actions between the two of you so far.

[Yuki-Anne]

In addition to what others have been saying, I couldn't help but notice that at the beginning of your post you said, "We've called each other...." Does this mean you call him too?

Stop calling him. I know it's hard, and there's always a reason you can come up with to call someone, but when you call him you send the message that the attention is desirable to you and that you want more.

[samurai10]

*sigh* I knew it. I'm way too nice for my own good. Otherwise, why would I only be 14 and already know that two boys have had crushes on me?

And I forgot to say this, but I've already made it very clear to him that I don't want to have a relationship with him. I even told him why I don't want to. (The fact that he's two years younger is a big reason why.) And also, after he tricked me, I smacked him really hard to make it clear that I didn't like it. Also, I told him that if he ever kissed me, I'd never talk to him again.

Prompted by the advice in this thread, I got into another discussion with him about this. And then the darned boy told me that he had only been joking. And that he wouldn't do it because he wants our friendship to continue. After which, he promptly got another girlfriend at his school. He says it's just 'cause they like each other, but I'm really suspicious because the timing is really coincidental. I don't know how many times I've facepalmed because of this boy. Really. He's stupid.

About his parents, I'm really not too sure if they'd care. Seriously. This girl is his freaking third girlfriend in THREE FREAKING MONTHS. (And he broke up with his first girlfriend the day they got together. )If they don't care that he has a different girlfriend every month, I'm actually pretty sure they wouldn't care about this. And yeah...

So yeah. Thanks for the advice and prayers. And I'll try to stop calling him, but it's gonna be really hard.... >.>

[Xeno]

A boy having several "girlfriends" when he is 11 or 12 isn't the same as that same boy sexually harassing someone. If they don't understand that then you need to advise the school of what is going on and get proper authorities involved.

[samurai10]

Whoa whoa whoa. Who said anything about sexual harassment? I don't think kissing is that. And anyway, he already promised he wouldn't. And he's a good friend, he can just be really stupid sometimes.

[mechana2015]

I think he's referring to the picking you up w/out permission, being pushy about the kissing thing up until you got really mad about it. One no should be enough.

[seaglass27]

My six-year-old brother does the same sort of things to older girls. He just really likes teen girls for some reason and calls them "sweetheart" and hugs them and things like that.

Anyway, this is still going on? You told me about it about three months ago. Persistent kid. But are you sure you're not encouraging him? Five dollars says you laugh at a lot of his jokes (even the ones that aren't funny) and go out of your way to talk to him. Am I right?

[Xeno]

I think he's referring to the picking you up w/out permission, being pushy about the kissing thing up until you got really mad about it. One no should be enough.

This.

Sexual harassment is defined as unwanted sexual (which would involve pressure to get you to kiss him) of any kind. That is what I meant by it. He tricked you into letting him pick you up, which again was an unwanted advance of a sexual nature. Technically that qualifies as sexual harassment, whether you agree or believe that it genuinely is or not.

[samurai10]

Yeah... Although he said he's not going to do it anymore, and nothing happened on Sunday when I saw him again, so hopefully I don't have to do anything drastic....

Anyway, on Saturday night, he called me and I forget how, but we suddenly started talking about why I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy more than a year younger than I am. Stupid me, yes, I know, but I got so annoyed that I said, "Why do you keep telling me that I shouldn't care about my boyfriend's age? What, do you wanna become my boyfriend?" And his answer? "Maybe.":bang:

Since the conversation had gotten so awkward like that, I decided to call my friend. We've known each other for over five years, we're only seven months apart in regards to age, and we really take the term, "Best Friends Forever" to heart. So I called her and did a three way call. Nothing really happened, and we just were talking about anything under the sun, when he decided to make it a four way call, and get his friend. Then, in introducing us to her, he said, "____, this is _____, but you can call her the devil." I know now that he said that just to get on my nerves, and he really succeeded, but seriously, I cannot stand insults like that to my friend. I told him to shut up or I'd hang up. And he didn't, so I did. Then I called my friend back and advised her to hang up on him too. So, nothing happened for the rest of the night.

On Sunday, I shunned him majorly. I also showed him that I wasn't wearing a cheap bracelet he had gotten for me a couple of weeks ago. That was the only time when he finally stopped referring to her as the devil. Because he had gone waaaaaaay too far. We made up, although I did tell him that if he called her the devil ONE MORE TIME, I'd break his bracelet. He told me that if I ever did that, he'd end our friendship, after which, I bluntly told him that I didn't care.

Big update. I'm so long-winded. DX I guess the point of this post is to say that I'm not going to do anything like call the school authorities unless he starts pushing it with the kissing again. Then again, if he does, I can always threaten to break his bracelet....

But yeah, thanks for the advice. I think I can handle him now. But keep praying for me to keep my patience. He can be really utterly annoying sometimes. >.>

[goldenspines]

Let's remind ourselves how old this kid is: 11. Were you a responsible and a rational individual that didn't mess with people's mind when you were 11? I didn't think so (well, maybe a few of you were XD) As far as science goes, his brain is not fully developed yet to handle higher rational thinking (this is normal for most people at the age of 11, so I'm not calling him stupid or anything.) You should not treat him like he's a rational adult, because he's not. He's on a different brain wave length, so to speak.

Thing is, he'll keep joking about it with you because he gets a reaction, I think. Kids do that. They'll do all sorts of things to get attention.
And, threatening him with things such as breaking bracelets or whatever probably won't make the situation better.
He's a kid that wants attention and will most likely take it in any form (both positive and negative). So, for now your best bet may be to ignore him (yes, ignore him completely) until he starts behaving politely towards you and your friends. Don't threaten him or give him the time of day if he's rude and disrespectful towards you. Don't stoop to his level of insults or threats. He needs to learn that's not a good way to get attention (since right now, he seems to be getting a lot of it from you as he's doing these things).

Though, if ignoring him until he approaches you in a more respectful and polite manner doesn't work and he continues with his behavior, then yes, higher action with the school, etc, may have to be taken.

Again, best of luck, Sam!

[seaglass27]

Break the bracelet.

Read that. And then read it again.

[K. Ayato]

I agree with goldy. No point in trying to treat him like a mature adult if his thoughts aren't at that level yet.

And if you want to get rid of things that remind you of him, go ahead and do it privately. No need to threaten him. I've done that with a lot of things that have only dragged me down in the past. There was no need to broadcast that with the person or persons who factored into those memories.

[samurai10]

Why is he getting a bracelet just like mine for my sister? That is really, REALLY weird.

[Atria35]

Ignore it. What the others have said. Dispose of the bracelet- on your own, privately, no fanfare, but ignore him and stop obsessing over what he does.

[K. Ayato]

I understand your concern for your sister's welfare, but Atria is right. That ain't your problem.

[goldenspines]

Emphasizing again, he's a kid. His actions (how you're describing them) are actually not weird to me. XD He will do stuff like this because he wants attention (not from just you, by the way, from everyone). He will get a bracelet for all the girls he knows if it gives him attention. Like everyone else has been saying, ignore it and wait for him to grow up. There are better things to do and pursue in your life than this guy. XD;

Plus, like I mentioned before, I can't get over the idea of him being 11 and you taking him to a serious level like you would someone your age or someone older than you. He's practically still in diapers. :I
That's obviously extreme, but stop treating him like he actually has the capability to understand his actions may hurt feelings of those around him (especially someone like you who's still growing up and going through emotional changes. I doubt he can even begin to understand that and wouldn't if you tried to explain it to him anyways). He just wants to have fun in his life right now as a kid and is not concerned with commitment to any one person.

*hugs* So, chill out and ignore him, you'll be fine. He's being a kid and should be treated like one until he grows up.

[samurai10]

So, the general advice here is to ignore him and stop using and wearing the bracelet quietly, correct?

Thing is, I can't. Not without him making a huge fuss of it.

He calls me everyday, though I really am getting busy with other things, (LIKE SCHOOL ARRRRRGH) I think it would be a really REALLY sudden change from how I'm acting. I mean, one month I'm calling him, ototo (little brother in Japanese), and the next month, I don't even want to pick up his calls. You know? I think it would be like I have a split personality disorder or something. 'Cause I was really close to him. Until he started pushing it with the kissing.... Plus, I see him twice a week, sometimes, three, and rarely four times, and there's no way to avoid or ignore him without him noticing. He's very observant, and especially about the bracelet. If I stop wearing it, no matter how quietly, he's going to notice.

But idk....I really don't want to break our friendship. =/ It's been through rocky times, and I can say that I've literally pulled my hair out at frustration of how stupid he is, but idk.... He's told me many, MANY times that I'm the best friend who's a girl he has. He's also told me a few of the deep secrets that eleven-year-olds have. And I've told him how I feel about some things that are going on in my family. And if I just really suddenly and without warning start ignoring him and avoiding him after so obviously showing affection for him.....as I said, it'd be like I have a split personality disorder.

So, in a nutshell, I don't want to and can't ignore him, and I don't want to stop wearing the bracelet (unless he does something stupid again......). >.>

[K. Ayato]

Can't have it both ways, hon. Nothing creates trouble quite like mixed signals. Either you keep up the friendship and learn to just deal with his immature flirtations and stuff, or you break it and not stress out about he'll react. You're responsible for your actions, he'll be held accountable for his own. You're gonna have to stop trying to do his job for him.

[Xeno]

So, the general advice here is to ignore him and stop using and wearing the bracelet quietly, correct?

Thing is, I can't. Not without him making a huge fuss of it.

He calls me everyday, though I really am getting busy with other things, (LIKE SCHOOL ARRRRRGH) I think it would be a really REALLY sudden change from how I'm acting. I mean, one month I'm calling him, ototo (little brother in Japanese), and the next month, I don't even want to pick up his calls. You know? I think it would be like I have a split personality disorder or something. 'Cause I was really close to him. Until he started pushing it with the kissing.... Plus, I see him twice a week, sometimes, three, and rarely four times, and there's no way to avoid or ignore him without him noticing. He's very observant, and especially about the bracelet. If I stop wearing it, no matter how quietly, he's going to notice.

But idk....I really don't want to break our friendship. =/ It's been through rocky times, and I can say that I've literally pulled my hair out at frustration of how stupid he is, but idk.... He's told me many, MANY times that I'm the best friend who's a girl he has. He's also told me a few of the deep secrets that eleven-year-olds have. And I've told him how I feel about some things that are going on in my family. And if I just really suddenly and without warning start ignoring him and avoiding him after so obviously showing affection for him.....as I said, it'd be like I have a split personality disorder.

So, in a nutshell, I don't want to and can't ignore him, and I don't want to stop wearing the bracelet (unless he does something stupid again......). >.>

Welcome to the world of making adult decisions. You have to choose to either live with the drama of what is occurring now and just deal with it, which then means you have no right to complain because you've decided to deal with it, or discard this bracelet (or just put it away somewhere and not wear it) and break contact with the kid until/if he grows up. That sounds like a harsh choice to make, but this won't be the toughest decision you'll ever have to make in your life, and if you're having this much trouble deciding on this now, you're going to run in to a lot of problems when you get older and you have to face big issues.

And as Goldy said, he is a child, yes you're only 3 years older than he is, but biologically you're eons ahead of him developmentally. He wants attention, in any way possible. My brother is the same way, though he doesn't try to make ridiculous moves on girls, he's just incredibly immature for his age (given that he's 19 but acts like he's about 12 or 13 still). You have to be the bigger person here and make the decision. He is not going to stop on his own accord, so I suggest you do the stopping for him.

[goldenspines]

He calls me everyday, though I really am getting busy with other things, (LIKE SCHOOL ARRRRRGH) I think it would be a really REALLY sudden change from how I'm acting. I mean, one month I'm calling him, ototo (little brother in Japanese), and the next month, I don't even want to pick up his calls. You know? I think it would be like I have a split personality disorder or something. 'Cause I was really close to him. Until he started pushing it with the kissing.... Plus, I see him twice a week, sometimes, three, and rarely four times, and there's no way to avoid or ignore him without him noticing. He's very observant, and especially about the bracelet. If I stop wearing it, no matter how quietly, he's going to notice.

Odd as this sounds, you're growing up normally. Your emotions will be fluctuating back and forth and sideways as you grow up. Don't worry, you'll even out. :3 But rest assured, I'm fairly certain you don't have a split personality.
Also, the point is to have him notice you ignoring him. If he didn't know you were ignoring him, he wouldn't think about changing his behavior (or not).

Oddly enough (again), the thing he needs most as friends that are guys his age right now. You are a wonderful girl, Sam and one of the sweetest people I've met, but this little boy having you as a friend (who is older than him) is not going to change much about his life. If you ignored him, it would give him a chance to branch out and meet other kids his age. But, obviously, as long as he can keep feeding off of you for attention and having you wrapped around his little finger (because, he does, honestly. I bet he can through you his most adorable smile and you'd let him get away with anything. Don't worry, cute little boys are like that, they're clever), he'll keep saying whatever it takes to keep that attention (not to say he doesn't mean those things. I'm sure he feels a strong fondness for you, but at his age, that clinginess on an older girl is an unhealthly trait to have and may negatively affect his own development.)
It should also be noted that "ignoring" in the sense that I'm talking about is NOT "NEVER TALK TO HIM EVER AND RUN AWAY WHEN YOU SEE HIM", I mean it in the sense of distancing yourself from him in terms of relationship. Let him know he's behaving in a way that's not cool by you and you can't hang out with him much anymore because of it. Yes, he may not fully "get it" now, but he will, and I can guarantee that he will thank you later. *betting five bucks right now that he will*

Therefore, by distancing yourself from him and letting him chill out in his behavior without you in the way would be helping him (and you). Like Xeno mentioned, you're older and wiser than he is, so you have to be the mature one in the situation. But, if you can't do that, whatever. No one is forcing you to. Just take the consequences of your actions without complaining. You'll have to deal with a little boy following you around and clinging to you for at least a few more years if not more.

Again, I rest my case. He's a kid, and he probably will throw a temper tantrum about things not going his way. That happens, but he'll get over it.

[samurai10]

Okay, so I kind of followed your advice.

I sat down with him and let him know in no uncertain terms that if he even joked about kissing one more time, I'd start avoiding him and acting like I didn't know him. He got a little annoyed, but after a while, he started to understand where I came from and respected my wishes. I was happy that it went so well, and since then, he's not even mentioned it once. He never tried to force me to do anything physical again, although when I annoy him, he punches me playfully. So everything's going well.

NOT.

Another boy entered the scene. I know this guy from like, a bazillion years ago. He used to use the same homeschooling program, and we used to see each other a lot, since we were in a lot of the same church clubs and stuff. Then, my family started getting busy, and we stopped going to the services that the other homeschoolers went to, and we fell out of touch.

At about September, I was forced to talk to him since I needed something from the sacristy (for those of you who don't know what a sacristy is --> http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sacristy) and I didn't know where it was. After that, he friended me on FB, and thinking nothing wrong, I accepted. I see him about once a month now.

In October, my friend, of whom I talked of above, pulled me into this fight that he and the 2nd guy were having. I finally managed to stop it, but not before I found out that the second guy had a crush on me too. He doesn't know that I know that he has a crush on me though, or that I suspect him at all.

Then, in December, the guy came to the service that me and my friend usually attends. He and my friend are acolytes, so they served. All through the service, I was trying my hardest not to giggle as I watched them fight. A little push here, a trip there, a glare at the other person's back, etc. etc.

Then, yesterday, I found out something. The reason why the guy and my friend hate each other so much is...well... because of me. >.> They both know that they both like me, and they have fights and competition.

The thing is, they also know that I don't like either of them.

I don't know why I'm worth fighting over. >.<

I'm ready to pull my hair out and unfriend the guy and tell him never to talk to me any more, but that would be really mean since he doesn't even know that I know that he's got a crush on me.

HELP!!!

[Kaori]

It sounds like you feel as if you should do something about this situation, but honestly, I think you should do nothing . . . that is, assuming you haven’t already done something in the last few days.

First of all, boys that age scuffle with each other all the time. I work at a school, so believe me, I know from experience. If they weren’t scuffling with each other over you (supposing that that’s correct), they would probably be scuffling with somebody else over some other issue.

Second, has this second boy done anything to make it appear that he has feelings for you? Like overtly flirting, for example? If not, then I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t just treat him normally. If he really does have feelings for you, he might have his own reasons for deciding not to make them known to you, in which case it would be unnecessary to say anything to him. Also, if I were in his situation, I would probably be pretty offended if I had feelings for someone, didn’t act on those feelings, and then had that person tell me something like, “I can’t be friends with you because you have a crush on me.”

If he does something inappropriate or that makes you uncomfortable, then of course you should tell him so, but unless he has revealed his feelings to you directly, then please respect his privacy.

[K. Ayato]

I agree. As it stands, there's nothing you really can do about it. Don't let it shock you. This is the teenage world, honey. Full of guy fights over the dumbest things (mostly) and let's not forget, raging hormones.

Should this second guy ever express his feelings to you, be honest in how you feel and respect what he does. No need to end a friendship 'cause the feelings are one-sided.

[Atria35]

I agree with what everyone's said so far. Teenagers will be teenagers, just don't sweat it. Praying!

[goldenspines]

Then, yesterday, I found out something. The reason why the guy and my friend hate each other so much is...well... because of me. >.>

WRONG.
It's not your fault, so don't you DARE think it is.
In my small experience with having mostly guy friends growing up, I know guys love to compete and fight over who's the best at something (even as my friend, my three guy friends would compete over who I liked to hang out with the best. XD; ). That's how they handle things, though. In most cases "let's talk this over civilly" isn't usually an option. If they can get out there and fight, they go for it!
As boys grow into men, I think there is a bit less of this impulse to kill each other to be the best, or so I've heard. >_>;

But back to the main topic at hand, it sounds like your are suffering from something that plagues us all from time to time (more so when we're teenagers) and that's "drama". This is pretty much any situation that's remotely complex that has been blown it out of proportion to the point of it being insane for everyone (again, not your fault unless you choose to become part of the madness, which I suggest you avoid if you value your mind). So, I think staying out of the competition between these two fellows would be the wisest thing to do.
You are NOT some prize to be won, y'know? :\
So, if they ask you questions or make comments trying to gain you hanging out with/liking/talking more with them than the other, ignore it and don't cater to their selfish child-like desires. In fact, as they fight like the children they are, walk away, ignore them completely (unless you need something from them, in which case, keep your communication strictly business).
You're better than the princess watching from the stands of a jousting tournament, my dear. Don't take that role.
The more you feed into it, the worse it will get, and I can guarantee that if you do interfere in the competition with any attention towards them (which they will take as a success, even if it's you lecturing them or yelling at them), feelings will get hurt and friendships will be ruined for sure. It will be a much bigger mess than any one of you could handle.

tl;dr, Ignore them both until they get over it. Once they both lose the "prize" they are fighting for, they'll learn to grow up and hopefully move onto being more respectful towards women.

I'll be praying.