Prayer needed

[TheMewster]

I don't know why I didn't request this sooner.

For WEEKS, maybe months, I've felt this apathy toward God. I don't feel like reading my Bible and the only reason I try to obey it is either out of habit or to be in Christ/keep up salvation. (Please, don't start a theology discussion about this. PM me about it. I like getting those anyway and it'll save the moddies some trouble.) (John 14:15, John 15:1-6, 1 John 3, Phillipians 2:12, etc.)
Also, I feel like I can't find the words to pray, my mind wanders, my thoughts interrupt a LOT (ooh, especially bad mean ones ), I feel rushed, I feel like I'm not getting through, like my signal is jammed, and I'm also afraid of accidentally praying to something other than God though I don't mean to.
I have horrible mood swings, and horrible anger. School is tough. I feel such burnout, but I can't stop, lest the end of the world come while I'm fallen away, or I die, and have lost my salvation. I've lost so much self-control that I used to have.
Worst, I really want something---just something for/to myself, but I know I shouldn't have it, because I'm a slave of God. I just wanna be able to control one little thing even! I know it's wrong for me. I must give all to Him. I need that desire crucified.
Sometimes I feel like me and God are in an abusive relationship. I know this is the devil's trap. God is still much kinder than we deserve, even if it is abusive. And if it is we deserve it anyway because we all have sin.
I can think some pretty mean thoughtas. I feel like a though has started and I have to finish it, I can't stop it. HELP!!!
I wish hell wasn't real, that we were just annhilated after dying if we're unsaved. Then I'd be living my own life, having my own good time, not worrying about whether every little thing pleases God or not.
Last, I'm worried about my science fair project, how I'll do on it.

So I guess I'm done talking about how my life is, for now. I definitely need prayer.

[Atria35]

Praying, Mewster! Sometimes it's okay to relax. Really, just stick to the Big Ten if you're feeling overwhelmed. We can't be perfect all the time, and God understands this. That's why His Grace is so wonderful. He forgives.

[Yuki-Anne]

Have you considered talking to a pastor or a Christian counselor about this? Do you have anybody in real life, any strong Christian friends or mentors, who you talk to about these things?

Trust me when I say that keeping it locked inside is the worst thing you can do. Even if you're getting it out on the internet, it's not the same as sitting face to face with someone and pouring out all the things that have been boiling in your heart.

I'll be praying for you. I hope you will feel encouraged to know that you're not the only Christian who's ever felt like this. I can look back at times in my life where I felt similarly. It can get better, but I think you really need to seek out the help and support of a strong Christian in real life.

[Sheenar]

Have you considered talking to a pastor or a Christian counselor about this? Do you have anybody in real life, any strong Christian friends or mentors, who you talk to about these things?

Trust me when I say that keeping it locked inside is the worst thing you can do. Even if you're getting it out on the internet, it's not the same as sitting face to face with someone and pouring out all the things that have been boiling in your heart.

I'll be praying for you. I hope you will feel encouraged to know that you're not the only Christian who's ever felt like this. I can look back at times in my life where I felt similarly. It can get better, but I think you really need to seek out the help and support of a strong Christian in real life.

I can't echo what she said enough. Talking face-to-face with a Christian counselor or friend is REALLY helpful --and bottling things inside just makes it all worse --you bottle it up until you can't hold it in anymore and explode --and that's not pretty (been there, done that).

"Bear one another's burdens and therefore fulfill the law of Christ." --Galatians 6:2

James 5:13-16 is another great passage about community and praying for one another/supporting one another through trials.

And the "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" --I don't remember the reference. Proverbs?

None of us are meant to go through life and hard times alone. Each of us NEEDS other believers --that's how we have been created.

Ask around --see if maybe an older woman in the church would be willing to be a mentor to you. Build relationships with other believers in your age group as well --it's hard, but relationships with other people take a lot of work.

Good luck! I pray that God brings into your life someone to help you --who you can talk to face to face and work out some of the things you are struggling with. <3

[TheMewster]

I would love to talk to someone IRL. The thing is, my parents won't get it and most of my people I can at any time talk to about that are Church of Chridt and will try to convert me back. I could talk to some of my teachers at school but finding time is the main thing. Thanks for praying!

[K. Ayato]

I'll pray that you find time to locate someone . It's good to know that you're aware that your parents and friends won't completely understand or may try to bring you back to CoC. Means you'll have to set aside some time to pray and put effort into finding someone you know who shares your new-found faith.

[rocklobster]

I will be praying for you, my friend and Sister in Christ.

[Derek_Is_Me]

Hold steadfast young one and everything shall come to fruition. It shall take time and effort. Much praying and steady belief. And everything that you worry about shall be resolved in time. Have faith my sister. Have faith. ^^

[TopazRaven]

I'll be praying for you Mew! I know how it feels to have no one to really talk to about this sort of thing off-line.

[Neane]

TheMewster, I have been praying for you ever since I first saw your posts in the theology section. I will continue to pray for you my Sister in Christ.

[Saint Kevin]

Some folks will tell you that you can lose your salvation. I'm telling you that you cannot, because I think the bible says you cannot (though, of necessity, there must be an explanation for those that think they are saved but eventually depart from the faith because they really never did entrust their life to Christ and come to know Him personally as Lord and Savior) (1 John 2).

There are people that know ABOUT Jesus that aren't saved, but every living human that knows Jesus personally IS saved, no matter what kind of sin they may struggle with since becoming saved. Jesus talks about false disciples (those that claim to do things in His name but don't actually know Him) in Matthew 7 and Matthew 25.

The kind of works exhibited by believers are not what save them, but it is the faith that eventually inspires those works that saves them. Faith saves, because at the moment of faith, God declares us righteous, even before we've done anything good (the thief on the cross that would be that same day with Jesus in Paradise) (Luke 23:43).

As one pastor summarized about salvation: "If you HAD it, you could never LOSE it, and if you LOST it, then you never HAD it to begin with."

There definitely are people that think they are saved and are not (because they don't know Jesus), because they are trusting in what they DO for Jesus, not in the fact that they actually know Him personally. You sound to me like a person that is saved, and thinks they are not. That said, only YOU know whether or not you know Jesus as Lord and Savior or not, and have the Holy Spirit within you or not.

Interesting reading (thanks to CARM.org):

Can the believer lose his salvation?
Verse showing justification by faithAre we saved by faith alone, or do we need works too?

What is the International Church of Christ