First of all before you read my post... or in this case, an essay, I apologize for the inappropriate title of my post. But keep in mind that I did not choose this title for the fun of it, or to get a shock out of the reader, that would a be very senseless thing to do. I am choosing this title because these are my feelings. These are my honest feelings.
I. Am. ANGRY.
I am SOOOO ANGRY.
I am angry at myself, I am angry at where I‘m at in my life, and at times, I am angry at God.
I am angry to the point of giving up my faith, and just giving up. I just can’t take it anymore.
To recap, in case if you have not read my previous post a few years ago, let’s call this a part 2.
In 2005, I have graduated with a bachelor’s of fine arts in visual communication. I was 19. I was the first and only autistic student to ever graduated with honors and an award for exceptional achievement received from the dean of the university. My mother, my grandmother, and my family were very proud of me, and I am so grateful. It was one of the happiest moment of my life. Without God and my mother being there for me and taking care of me, I would not be the person that I…… was.
………the person that I used to be.
Back then, I had so much ambition. I was ready to step my foot on Californian soil to make my mark in the movie industry. I had my created story 50% done, but not copy written yet, but as soon as someone that’s involved with movie production, and/or such, they can take a look at my portfolio, see my story, and like it. And hopefully, get it green lit. I thought I was not giving up that easily since I was fresh out of the university getting ready to start a new career…
…that. Was SIX. Years. Ago. I am now 26. I will turn 27 in the next three months. Those days… were DONE. All that’s left… was but a recollection.
…what career?
Today. At this very moment. Now. I have no job. No revenue. No money. No car. A dated resume. A dusty portfolio. Very limited knowledge of the job market. Sometimes no ambition. And no tolerance.
I always get annoyed with my mom because she always have this get-rich-quick mentality. Whenever she says that if I can get a job that’ll pay me $1000 a week, I get very upset with her. I’m thinking to myself “that’s IMPOSSIBLE. No one gets paid a thousand dollars a week unless they are either internet celebrities or they are really, really good at their job with ZERO flaws.”
Ugh… it is a really long story, but for the sake of getting to my point, the next day me and my mother got into an argument. It all started when she called me to the living room, desperate. She saw the news that they were having a job fair that’s being held right that very moment. And she immediately told me to get on the computer to see if there are any jobs available. So, my natural reaction, was to be angry. I’m always annoyed whenever she gets desperate. So of course she saw me get angry at a computer monitor, and she starts yelling at me. Not out of anger, but out of desperation. My reaction of course was to be angrier. She was telling me that every time she comes up with an idea, I get annoyed and angry with her. She told me that I thought her ideas were stupid or something, and she said I thought I was a nuisance to her. …for the most part… it was sometimes true. I was annoyed with her ideas because I had some ideas that takes time to plan, but she says that her ideas are quicker and it won’t take time. And that’s also another thing that’s wrong with me. I lost the ability to cooperate with my mother. And worst of all, I, at some times, forgot that she was suffering more than me. And that made me very angry. Angry at myself. She always took me through guilt trips after guilt trips saying that she is trying everything that she could think of, or an inspiration that God has given her, for me and her to get money in our door. It’s always “Money--this” and “Money--that” When we have money, we are free. If we don’t have money, we are NOT free. So technically, we are not free. And her famous phrase is “I won‘t be here forever! I am trying to get you a future! I am doing this for YOU! It’s all for YOU!“ I started cried in front of her. But she’s not having it. It’s not getting me anywhere. She said that, as well.
She is a diabetic and have undergone 2 strokes and a seizure. Plus she just got back from surgery last month. Everyday her mobility is limited, and she gets depressed. She always say to her family members that I have never caused her any grief. But I felt like I did cause her grief. I felt like her pain, and her struggles was all my fault. She relied on my elder brothers and sisters transportation to take us somewhere, but it’s very limited and they have lives of their own. So it’s just the two of us. Alone.
My mother have had me sent letters, and letters, and letters, AND LETTERS of different celebrities that will grant us recognition, which, by the way, I’ve been doing that for over SIX years. Someone who can recognize my talents, such as my animation, my graphic design, my music composition, music writing, singing, acting or voice acting, plus I even make family portraits for them, for people like Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Ellen DeGeneres, President Barack Obama, Former President Bill Clinton, Jenny McCarthy, Dan Marino, Holly Roberson Pete, Charles Gibson, Diane Sawyer, Usher, Jamie Foxx, Janet Jackson, CeeLo Green, Emilio Estafan, Gloria Estafan, LADY GAGA, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
Not one. Single. Answer from ANY of them. Not even from their own websites. They aren’t even supposed to post their own email addresses for security purposes. Simply because they’re multi-billion dollar celebrities. They CAN’T. That’s when I went nuts and kept every ounce of rage stored up inside me and swallowed it in without yelling it out. That’s where my mother sees me like this, yells at me out of desperation not to get like this, and everything went to Hell.
I’m very angry at myself. More than I was angry at God. My mother have prayed every single night for me, more than for my brother’s and sisters, for me to have a stable future. I lost my touch with God because of the things I went through. I’ve sometimes prayed, but not every night, and very little, and I often stray from God and my mother and focus on my comfort when I am not too busy. Like I said, my ambitions, my goal, my LIFE. MY LIFE! Was FAR from my reach! And to add salt on a big gaping wound, me and my mother won 2 tickets for an expensive steak dinner for free last month. But we have no car, no one to take us, and it will expire in 2 days. So even If some of my brothers and sister were to have free time of taking me and my mother there, it’ll already be too late. PLUS they have to bring their kids along and expect my mom to pay for the kids!
Man, I am so ----ing laughable! I am so angry, I am even shouting out swear words that I can’t even type here in my post right now!
I’m Just SO ----ING INFURIATED!! I’M…… I’M……
……I’m hopeless. Desperate. Losing my strength. Losing my mind. I feel like I need to call on to God, but I feel like He is not answering me. I am just as desperate as my mom was. She has been hustling most of her life to provide for her own family. Now she can’t work, is disabled, and the only revenue we have received… was social security money that’s $600 a month. Oh, and the rent was more than that. So now it’s all on ME to make things happen with what I have… but I’m struggling. I’m always angry, and almost nothing seems to go right for me.
……I’m even crying while I’m typing this. I can’t take it anymore. Someone, anyone, please help me… PLEASE… I know that I’m selfish, and I don’t expect some kind of miracle, and I am certainly not expecting anyone to be Oprah, or Ellen DeGeneres, but I need someone who… could give me anything to work with. Any contacts at all. If they happen to know someone who’s in the movie industry, or in the music industry, or a graphic magazine industry or-- d---it…..ANYTHING… please… just… please…
And………… Just………… Pray for my mom. If you don’t want to pray for me, that’s fine. I felt don’t deserve a prayer after what I treated her. But just pray for my mother. Her name is Gloria.
…this is the end of part 2. So if there’s ever going to be a part 3... Chances are it could be just as worse as the previous two. Let’s hope not.