It's too much.

[Yuki-Anne]

Guys, the pressure of being here all alone is really getting to me. It's not that I don't have friends, but living in this town by myself without being able to have any really close friends that I can see regularly, having to communicate in Japanese, living alone without a family, it's getting really really hard. I try not to say, "omg I'm so depressed" when I'm not technically depressed but I've been down for a while now and it's getting harder and harder to want to stay.

And I recently realized that my weight loss and body image issues were bordering... no, they basically had gotten to the level of an eating disorder. Even though I was eating enough food and I'm not underweight, I fit seven out of ten symptoms of anorexia: weighing myself multiple times a day, regularly refusing certain social situations to avoid eating too many calories, etc. When I realized that it scared the crap out of me. I'm trying to stop, and I've been doing okay (I actually made it about three days without weighing myself) but basically I think it's just a symptom of the bigger problem, which is that I'm under so much pressure and I don't have anybody to hold me accountable about my struggles. I don't have anybody who can see the way I'm living or treating others and say, "Look, you need to simmer down." I have some friends that I can talk to but they live in America or Tokyo, so they can't see me actually; they see what I want them to see, because they only see me for a few hours at a time at the most. And to have that kind of power of my own image, even to the people closest to me, it's not been good for me.

I know I'm under attack. I know I've been called here and I need to stay. But all I want is to leave. I don't feel like I can do this anymore, I don't want to be here anymore, but I can't leave; I know I'd never be able to live with myself if I did.

So basically I really need prayer.

[Makachop^^128]

Hey, my brother kinda had the same thing happen, he moved to japan to be a missionary, but started to panic out, because their family hadn't made any friends and the language barrier was too much for them, they ended up moving back, but now they are going back soon anyway I think if God wants you there you will get through it I will be praying

I'm sorry about your problem with body image >.< I'll be praying for that too

[Lynna]

That sounds harsh. I'll definitely pray for you!

[K. Ayato]

Sounds like quite a challenge. I'm glad you realized how much it's eating at you. That took a lot of guts. Praying you'll be able to make changes that will turn things around. Also praying you'll have the courage and determination to step outside your comfort zone and connect with more people. You can't go through this by yourself, and I'm certain you've now realized how vulnerable it makes you become.

*Hugs* We're here for you. It's not gonna be easy, but you're gonna come out stronger on the other side .

[Atria35]

Praying.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Yuki-Anne you're an amazing encouragement to the rest of us. Your situation sound's really, really tough. I'll be praying for you, mate.

[Yuki-Anne]

One more thing: I talk to my parents often for support but lately because I've been down they've been suggesting that I should come home. This isn't really helpful. At all. And it makes me feel more doubtful and homesick than before, so now I don't want to talk to them because they'll just pressure me to come home, and that kind of extra pressure is the last thing I need.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

What do you think would be best for you in your situation?

Because I think staying in Japan is a great idea. But going home is also a great idea too. And whichever option you end up deciding is going to end up being the better of the two options.

That being said, in my prayers. I know what an extended period of loneliness can do to someone. It's not pretty. =(

[TWWK]

I'll be praying for you!

Have you thought of asking one of your friends to be your accountability partner? Perhaps by pushing a friendship to that level, you'll be able to develop a relationship where you can be very honest about your struggles.

[TopazRaven]

I'll be praying for you to. I hope things get better soon.

[Hiryu]

We love you, Yuki! I will always be here for you.

God will surely bless you for your perseverance. Heaven rejoices in your work for the Lord!Ganbatte yo!

[ShiroiHikari]

Your body size, shape, or weight does not determine your worth as a human being, no matter what people try to tell you. If somebody does judge your worth as a person based on your weight, then they do not deserve to know you or have you as a friend.

I think that if the obsessive weighing and avoiding social eating situations continues or starts to spiral out of your control, you should probably go back to the US and see a psychiatrist. Anorexia can kill you, and it will make your life-- and the lives of those who love you --a living hell.

They say anorexia is closely related to feeling like you have no control over your life. Is this the case with you?

[aliveinHim]

Praying for you Yuki. The devil is right now trying to destroy your ministry. Keep on continuing in your ministry and stay strong in the LORD.

[Nami]

You are an amazing person for having stuck with it this long. I can't claim to know what a hard decision it is to make the choices you are making. But, I do know what it is to be lonely. I feel lonely a lot because I don't have any friends even close to me that I can hang out with. :/ but, we are here for you, and we love you. ^^ I'm sure someone in Japan would be happy to be your accountability partner. :3 You are so blessed to be this strong and able to admit you have a problem with food.

I'm praying for you, I know you will make the right choice, no matter what it is. ^^

[Yuki-Anne]

Well, I'm going to try to find a counselor here in Japan. But basically at this point I'm trying to decide whether I want to stay at all.

[ShiroiHikari]

I wish I knew what else to say. I guess the only thing I can say is that sometimes it's okay to admit that you need a break, and then take a break. Stress kills us slowly without some way to relieve it. If you feel that returning to the US would give you some respite and help you recover, then maybe that's what you should do.

Also, going back doesn't mean that you failed. Everyone needs support and rest from time to time. You can always go back to Japan at a later time, after you've recovered.

[Sheenar]

I wish I knew what else to say. I guess the only thing I can say is that sometimes it's okay to admit that you need a break, and then take a break. Stress kills us slowly without some way to relieve it. If you feel that returning to the US would give you some respite and help you recover, then maybe that's what you should do.

Also, going back doesn't mean that you failed. Everyone needs support and rest from time to time. You can always go back to Japan at a later time, after you've recovered.

Taking a break doesn't mean you're giving up or leaving your ministry. I mean, look at Elijah--he became depressed when Jezebel wanted to kill him and he fled --he had a period of rest and restoration where God fed him and met his physical/spiritual needs --and then Elijah returned to the ministry he had been appointed to.

Eating disorders are a serious problem. If you feel like it is taking over your life/you have no control, a treatment program may be an avenue for you to consider.

*Hugs* --love you sister. Please keep us updated.

[Psycho Molos]

I second everyone here! Yuki you're super wonderful and u rock! You're such an incredible, beautiful person and youre human like the rest of us. Take care of yourself and do what u need to do and rest

[Yuki-Anne]

Just to give you guys an update, I talked to the director of my missions org and he's hopefully going to send me some information soon about a counselor I can see.

But I feel much better. I think the worst of it has passed. I went to karaoke with a schizophrenic girl from my church. It's kind of a ministry itself, but it's also sometimes good to get out, even if it is with someone I have to be really guarded around for my own safety. But a few little things happened that day, like having a random conversation with an older lady or having a group of young men greet me in English in a friendly, joking and totally non-sleazy manner. It was really refreshing.

And basically this week's been a good one. I think it helps that the weather has turned to fall instead of nasty, nasty summer. Guys, I hate summer a lot. You don't even know.



So, yeah, I'm doing a lot better. Still going to get counseling, probably, but I feel really great. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. The community here at CAA has been so awesome and so great during my times of loneliness, and I appreciate you guys a lot.

[TopazRaven]

I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better!

Yeah, it's a good thing you are still going to see the counselor. Better to be safe then sorry and it's always nice to have someone to talk to right? xD I certainly hope your hapiness continues! I also agree, yay for fall!

[Nami]

That's awesome!! I'm so glad you are feeling better. ^^ It's good to have friends! I hope you can make a few more closer to you. ^^

[Hiryu]

And basically this week's been a good one. I think it helps that the weather has turned to fall instead of nasty, nasty summer. Guys, I hate summer a lot. You don't even know.

Maybe I do. I prefer autumn and winter than summer. The only good thing about summer is going swimming. You can put enough clothes on in the winter, but you can never take enough off in the summer. The cold is just so much more manageable than the heat.