Kokoro - Naruto Fanfic

[SailorDove]

I could use some feedback especially on how the different POV switches are working and how to clarify them better. Rated: G-PG

Synopsis: She’s fears hospitals and shuns crowds whenever possible. For a civilian orphan without any chakra, she has an unbelievable bounty on her head by the black markets of the Ninja Nations. What would happen if Naruto met an older orphan, (who “hears” other people’s hearts or feelings), before he entered the Ninja Academy?

‘Thoughts’
“Dialogue Spoken”

Chapter One
Points of View
4th Revision – May 7, 2011

The legendary Kakashi Hayate was on his way home from yet another dull uneventful B+ mission completed of course successfully. Uneventful was good for his health, but boring nonetheless. Oh, well. He’ll be back in a day or two at this easy pace. If something urgent came up, he could easily make it back in 6-10 hours.

The forest was fairly quiet, (apart from the random wildlife). With no other “people” sounds &/or chakras on his radar leaping though the trees was rather calm and getting dull. ‘Perhaps, it might be a good chance to catch up on some reading?’

Just as he was reaching in his vest pocked for the infamous orange book, the crook of his arm was grabbed rather forcefully from his blind side and his whole body was lurched though a little entrance into what appears to be a cave within an old hollow tree trunk.

Instinctively, he drew his kunai, and was startled to find a skinny wounded young girl around 10 or 12 years old, lying on the tree’s cave floor wheezing and gasping in pain, “Mean Ninjas coming…Hurt you... Need help.”

Even if he was mildly distracted he should have felt this person’s chakra, let alone noticed this little hole. ‘Mmm, How did I miss this and… why can’t I sense her? Civilian, perhaps? But then how did this little injured girl, pull a full grown ninja on the move in the treetops on her own?’

Kakashi gave a quick scan around while putting the kunai away and getting out his first aid kit. It seemed to be a primitive makeshift home for this child. Raising his eyebrow in surprise at the entrance deceptively small looking appearance was revealed from within to be a play of light and knots of branches and tree roots. He smirked beneath his mask. ‘She certainly found the perfect hideaway.’ The mangled maze of branches, limbs and roots seemed to jumble together serving as a stairway/ramp to the lower level where they had slid downward to the hollowed out tree cave.

‘What was I thinking? The pain & blood loss must’ve clouded my brain. This hurts like the dickens!’ As the spasms and her breathing subsided she watched him survey her “Sanctuary”. ‘Never thought it’d be this big inside, eh? Never judge a book by its cover, Mr. “Poufy Hair” Ninja man!’ She’s rarely asked for help for a reason, it usually ends up badly afterwards. But there was something different… a loyalty and kindness tinted by grief in his heart’s voice. It also had that “lonely orphan tone”. The ghosts of his past which haunt him must have a rather sad & complex story. Unlike those “other” ninjas, “Poufy Hair” seemed to lack their greed or bloodlust. ‘Maybe this time, somehow with him, God would make things work out better.’

After convincing her to swallow a couple of blood pills, he studiously cleaned and bandaged up her wounds, while preceding to blithely explain in his classic hip & cool way how he was just on his way home after a delivery mission and wasn’t expecting any trouble; thankfully he didn’t asked how she ended up with such odd wounds to her left shoulder, arm and leg. There was no way she’d admit to anyone, let alone a guy that she fell into that old stupid rusted Ninja trap, (probably left after a war), on her way back from having “a call from Nature” in the middle of the night when she was half asleep.

In spite of the current situation and the stupid bugs, living in the woods had its advantages, few people came and those who did were in too big of a hurry to travel to where they were going. Being able to “hear” them far in advance while they were just faint whispers enabled her to avoid the “complications”. Thus, making her life more bearable; and a whole lot safer. Well, except for the stupid Ninja trap.

She still didn’t like living alone, especially like this. It’s been quite a while or was it years now, since anyone talked with her like a normal girl. He moved onto something else about his village. He’s voice had this “soft whimsical” tone making it easy to listen to. But, her mind had trouble focusing on the words and went wandering yet again. ‘How does his hair stay up like that?’ Then she glanced at the symbol of a leaf on his headband over his eye. She must have lost a lot of blood if she’s only noticing that now. ‘Oh, wait a minute, why is he going on about his village? “Mr. Hip & Cool Poufy Hair” doesn’t seem like the talkative type. Crud, he wants to take me to his village for medical help. True, I’m in no condition to dispute. Oh, he’s asking something.’

He smiled under his mask. ‘Ah, there’s that ‘What happened to your eye?’ look.’ He liked this kid. “So, would you like to come with me to Konoha? Then you can decide if you’d like to stay after you’re healed.”

‘He’s a ninja, he could force me to go but… he’s not. He’s… asking me? And it isn’t a ploy? Dang, they’re here!’ She “shh” him, then pointed towards the cave entrance with her good hand then gave him the universal hand sign meaning “wait”.

Finally sensing the chakras of the “Mean Ninjas” she warned him about, he suppressed his chakra as the two of silently waited. They arrived arguing in quiet whispers right outside her little cave. She probably just saved him a lot of time and trouble. He could’ve handled them, if he needed to. He wasn’t in the Bingo Book for nothing. But, he was too jaded & lazy to prove he could beat them. But it seems fate gave him an easy out and the opportunity to return the favor for a little lost orphan with an interesting sensing ability. ‘If she could sense people that far away, no telling what kinds of talents she hides behind those weary young eyes that won’t give up.’

Fear can make people do amazing things, especially survive or help others survive. ‘By how emaciated she looks, she hasn’t eaten any meat in Kami knows how long. What has she been living on? Heh, and that definitely has to be the worst fire pit he’s seen. If she didn’t die from her wounds, she would from either malnutrition or accidentally burning herself.’

He always believed in his gut’s instincts. They’ve never steered him wrong yet. ‘She doesn’t seem like the type to be forced into a situation. She was wary for a reason. Plus it wouldn’t be right to leave this “Wary, but trusting girl” to be picked up by Kumo, Mist or the Clouds. She’d have a better chance with the Hokage. He’d place her in the orphanage where’d she’d at least be warm and get 3 meals a day and He’d make sure she’d have the freedom to choose her own path.’

He had no illusions, there was a reason she was hunted if she was willing to live off the land in the middle of nowhere. But, the fact this civilian child still remained free, let alone alive impressed him. ‘Maybe the girl might like to live a normal life instead of a wild animal in the woods?’

Finally after a while the “Mean Ninjas” continued on their fruitless search. She stayed silent thinking his offer though and probably just trying to stay conscious. Pretty amazing she hasn’t passed out already. ‘Kind of cute how she keeps trying to stay awake. Like a toddler who won’t take her nap. It’s obvious she’s probably had some nasty experiences with Ninjas, but she doesn’t seem to hate me or ninjas in general. Gai wouldn’t like that “hunted look” on her. Heh, wonder how’d she react to meeting him and hearing him go off on one of his “Springtime of Youth” tirades?’

By the looks of her, a late night stroll ended up with a meeting with an old ninja trap. And by how embarrassed she was, it was probably to a natural outhouse. Those rusty marks on her wounds aren’t good. She’s probably been injured for a least a day or more. She’s too pale.

‘Pity, concern, puzzlement and… he’s impressed… at me? Ah, he’s figure out I’m an orphan. Not that an injured kid, dressed in rags is a dead giveaway or something. He’s truly is trying to let me decide to come along of my own free will. No tricks? Wait, he suspects something so maybe… No, he really has no clue of what they want from me. He’s not like them. Why would a ninja be impressed with an injured orphan dying in the woods? Maybe this “Kohoru” place doesn’t know about me? There’s, never been any ninjas chasing after me, with leaf symbols. Aww dang, he’s laughing at me, probably figured out what happened.’

[SailorDove]

Kakashi broke the ice by rephrasing the question, “So, you up to go with me to Konoha?” She sighs and hesitantly nods, “Um, is there any chance that we could go to an herbalist or something, instead of a hospital?” Then, as if on cue, she promptly passed out.

‘Interesting kid, she survives in the woods yet is afraid of hospitals? Heh, she’s like a sick, but stubborn little puppy who’s doesn’t want to go to the vet! Oh well, I’ll add her request to the report and leave that up for the Hokage. Mmm, I’ll need some pills to keep me going to get her to help in time.’ He fishes the solider pills out of his pack and pops a couple of them. He lifts her up and notices her right hand won’t let go of her walking staff. ‘When did she…? Holding onto it for dear life, eh? And it looks darn annoying to carry, too. Oh well, one good deed deserves another. ‘ After checking for any other personal effects and finding none, he arranged the little wounded lamb with her staff on his back, and off he went at his top speed towards home.

The green canopy and the forest floor below merely whizzed by as she woke briefly. ‘It feels like we’re flying. Wait, “we’re”? Oh yeah, “Poufy Hair”… He’s really, really worried about…Me? Wow, kinda nice to have a friend care like that. Don’t worry, “Poufy Hair” I’ll be- Wait, that’s not a nice nickname for a friend. Gotta think of something… um nicer.’ She smiled as she drifts off again. ‘He’d probably get teased by other ninjas if I called him “Poufy Hair”, anyway.’ She drifted in and out of consciousness during the remainder of the trip as the moonlight peaked though the tree branches as her masked, (and poufy haired), friend carried her off to a new “sanctuary”.

[rocklobster]

OK, I guess I should ask before anyone else does: where does this fit in the show's timeline?

[SailorDove]

Good question. In the synopsis I put, "What would happen if Naruto met an older orphan... before he entered the Ninja Academy?"

Should I put something in there like Alternate Universe or Timeline? Or is there some better phase I could use?

[MrKrillz0r]

I know nothing about drawing really, but from my point of view it rocked! They should start calling him "Poufy hair" in the anime as well. x)

[SailorDove]

Thanks MrKrillz0r!

[samurai10]

Hm. I think that you should make it more clear who's talking, instead of just flipping over characters, with no indication that the other person's talking. Also, if you could, it would be great if you also made it clear whether they're talking or thinking. I could just barely tell the difference, as usually quotes aren't in italics.

But other than that, it's great! I want more!

[SailorDove]

Thank you Samurai, for your post & the imput! I did try to make it different,

[quote="SailorDove (post: 1477240)"][I]‘Thoughts’
“Dialogue Spokenâ€

[SailorDove]

Totally revised the story. Made it about 8,000 words shorter, clearer and hopefully more
entertaining. Let me know what you think & if you spot any typos, etc.

Synopsis: AU - What would happen if Naruto met an older orphan, (who “hears” other people’s hearts or feelings), before he entered the Ninja Academy?

She’s fears hospitals and shuns crowds whenever possible. For a civilian orphan without any chakra, she has an unbelievable bounty on her head by the black markets of the Ninja Nations.

What will happen to her once Naruto discovers she doesn’t want to become a ninja, she can’t pronounce Konoha to save her life and she hates ramen?

“Dialogue Spoken”
“Thoughts”

(Word Doc Attached Below.)

[MrKrillz0r]

I know nothing about drawing really, but from my point of view it rocked! They should start calling him "Poufy hair" in the anime as well. x)

I must be totally retarded.. I do know some about drawing actually.. T_T I meant writing. -_-'

[SailorDove]

Its okay, I kinda figured it out what you meant. Thanks for pm about the typo! Uploaded the file with typo correction and a few other minor things.

Word Doc Link:
http://www.christiananime.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=35698&d=1305307978