Intercultural relationships

[Yuki-Anne]

So, because I live in another culture and am learning another language, I have started to wonder about the sustainability of romantic relationships in one's second language.

This comes from two things: the guy I mentioned in the "Guard your heart!" thread, and from another guy who doesn't speak English who is actually actively pursuing me (to the point of being really annoying and almost creepy).

This has gotten me wondering: provided that I become fluent in Japanese within a couple of years (which I think is actually kind of a possibility), is a relationship with someone who cannot speak English sustainable?

On the one hand, I want to be open to possibilities and not shut out a potentially awesome relationship just because it's not in my native language, especially since single Christian guys are few and far between here in Japan. If I rule out those who do not speak English, I effectively exclude the majority of Christian men in this country. Also, I love Japan, Japanese culture, and especially the Japanese language; I love all the nuances and depths of meaning, I love how good it feels to be able to communicate well in another language, I love translating. I could see spending the rest of my life in Japan. I love it here.

On the other hand, none of my family can speak Japanese, so I would have to translate every conversation between my boyfriend and my family. I would want to be able to date somebody who could talk to my friends and family whether I am there or not. I would want to date someone who can develop friendships with my brothers, who my parents can get to know, who my best friend can get to know. This would be impossible in a relationship with someone who does not speak English.

There is also the added tension of cultural differences that might put extra pressure on a relationship. But it's possible. I've met several American women who are happily married to Japanese men, and many, MANY happily married couples that are the other way around.

What do you guys think about intercultural relationships, not just Japanese/American, but other cultures as well? What are your experiences and observations on this matter?

[ChristianKitsune]

I often think that if a relationship is meant to be, language shouldn't stop you.
That said you're learning Japanese, any chance you can teach him English so he can talk to your family?

I think it could work! Love doesn't always need words!

But maybe that's the romantic in me.... X3

[Agloval]

The vicar of my home parish's link parish and his wife have been married thirty-seven years, and when they met they spoke different languages -- and for various practical reasons, they wound up using a third language to communicate rather than learning each other's language directly. So evidently it can be made to work!

And that's the limit of my experiences and observations on this topic, so I'll shut up before I make a fool of myself.

[Yuki-Anne]

I think it could work! Love doesn't always need words!

The whole time I was writing the first post, I was hearing Barry White's voice in my head, saying, "Baby, we don't need words..."

[mechana2015]

I think it would work but that could also depend on his side as well.

[ADXC]

Of course language and culture are always going to be barriers between your possible boyfriend and your family, but honestly you can do it. It will be tough because you will have to deal with both families.


I know a girl from my college who became a missionary to Japan and indeed married a resident of Japan (I don't believe he really knows English, at least not that well) so it can be done.


Remember, if it is meant to happen in God's will, it will happen. So do not let language and culture be barriers for God is great and can do anything He wants.

So I say give it a try when your ready.

Godspeed!

[Atria35]

Language is a barrier, but so is culture, religion, family, etc. But people learn to work past and around those. I think it would be awkward, but if both people were willing to give it a go, I think it would work.

[aliveinHim]

If he's a great Christian guy, go for it. My daddy is bilingual in both english and spanish but his parents never learned english so it gave a great opportunity for mommy to learn spanish. You never know. It's actually away to tear down the barrier.

[Nami]

Me, being a hopeless romantic says; "YES IT DOESN'T MATTER, LANGUAGE IS SUBJECTIVE!"

But, the practical side in me says, if he really loves you, he will be willing to compromise, because you learning/speaking Japanese, you are already "speaking" his language. And if he really cares, he'll try his best to see your side and make you comfortable and who knows, you teaching him English might be entertaining and fun. Or like someone above suggest, you both learn a different language, myself I'm learning Japanese and I'm trying to learn Korean (Korean, is pretty fun to speak, I love it. And Japanese is downright beautiful) As for me... >> I've always dreamed of marrying a Japanese guy. *laughs* Maybe someday I will (after all, I want to live in Japan)

Oh and intercultural relationships are the best kind, just saying. :3

[musicaloddball]

My mom is Filipino and her first language was Tagalog. My dad is American and has spoken English all his life. Also, when they got married, my mom was Catholic and my dad was Episcopalian.

Language was never really an issue, since my mom is very comfortable with English. The religion thing wasn't an issue either because my dad converted a little while after they got married and before any kids came. But in mixed religion marriage I could see how that would be a problem because there's the question of what religion the kids will be taught.

But American culture is quite a bit more laid back than Filipino culture and Asian culture in general. My mom tends to think my dad is lazy when he actually just can't function the way she has been taught to function, and he tends to get upset with her because she is all about rules and responsibility and is an all-around "tiger mom." Also, I've noticed my Filipino side of the family is far more willing to tell it like it is than my American side. Most of the time, my mom doesn't realize that because my dad did not grow up with that much honesty, her honesty translates in his mind as "hurtful." Also, some agreement about the kids should happen. My mom kind of just raised us with her "tiger mom" mentality, and my dad kind of raised us in his own way, and.....yeah. I'm not complaining. It's just strange to have parents with two different ideas of respect, performance in school, etc.

But my parents have been together for 26 years, and they love each other, although in different ways. hehe It's all about learning the culture and trying to see things from the other person's POV.

[Midori]

Keep in mind that language will not be the only cultural barrier you may run into. There may be other cultural issues such as how to behave in certain situations, what to value emotionally, how much you can interrupt the other, who's in charge of what, and things like that. Sometimes cultural issues like these can make marriages hard even if you speak the same language. But if you are aware of them that can make it better.

[ShiroiHikari]

Language is a relatively easy barrier to overcome, in my opinion, if both parties are willing to work at it. If the guy isn't interested in learning any English, ever, then it might not be a great idea. Culture can be a barrier, but it can be a barrier even between two Americans, so...yeah. Like my husband's family and my family? Not even remotely the same and they're all English-speaking Americans.

[K. Ayato]

One of my girlfriends is a newlywed like me, and she's Samoan and was brought up in Hawaii, so there were a lot of cultural barriers that she and her then-fiance had to get through. Language may be a hurdle now and then, but understanding cultures can be a challenge. Praying!

[Yamamaya]

Love crosses racial and cultural barriers.

That being said, when considering a relationship with someone of a different culture, it is important to consider how said relationship will deal with those differences. It's always good to know what the cultural values of a person you are dating are.

That being said, I find teaching each other a language somewhat romantic.

[Atria35]

That being said, I find teaching each other a language somewhat romantic.

It is. Seriously.

[Yamamaya]

It is. Seriously.

It just makes my heart go "Dawwwww" when I think about it.

Heck, I would love to have that kind of relationship..in theory.

[Atria35]

I imagine in theory it would be easier. You imagine dinners teaching eachother the names of foods, walks in the park with naming plants and flowers, etc. In reality, it probably involves a textbook and work book!

[solidray2002]

(I haven't read the above postins, jumped straight to my response)
Speaking from First hand in your situation (probably not the degree though from american to Eastern- Mine is Portuguese {european} to North American).
I understand your concern and interest, especially from being in Japan, what are your options really? I grew up in a Portuguese family, my mother came to U.S. when she was 23, and had me shortly after, my grandparents did not speak a word of English (maybe the curse words...ya they did, I remember that!) Though they have passed away, the culture is still different. Without giving a full history of my wife's and I relationship, here is what I know.
From a Christian standpoint:
If he is not on the same page religiously as you...done. you know the answer. (not just same 'religion', but you desire and follow God with similar passions and callings)
After that, cross-cultural relationships can be great! In pursuing a serious relationship, setting borders and standards of "what we want in a relationship and marriage" and "what we will not due until marriage/dating/etc." Is an important must. If you do not believe him to be a great match and love, please do not settle just because it can be difficult to find a christian guy that you are attractive to and likes you back. It can be hard (I came from a place with NO christians and match my passions as a Missionary to unreached countries...but Here I am, happily married). Thats it... Never settle!
God bless

[Yamamaya]

I imagine in theory it would be easier. You imagine dinners teaching eachother the names of foods, walks in the park with naming plants and flowers, etc. In reality, it probably involves a textbook and work book!

But imagine standing together, hand in hand and saying I love you clumsily in each other's language. The guy struggles to say the words, his pronounciation off, and the girl puts her fingers to his lips.

Holy crap, that is so cliche but I can't help but say DAWWWW.

[Atria35]

But imagine standing together, hand in hand and saying I love you clumsily in each other's language. The guy struggles to say the words, his pronounciation off, and the girl puts her fingers to his lips.

Holy crap, that is so cliche but I can't help but say DAWWWW.

Oh, man, that just..... I... DAWWW doesn't even do it for the warm fuzzies that idea sparks in me.

[Yamamaya]

Oh, man, that just..... I... DAWWW doesn't even do it for the warm fuzzies that idea sparks in me.

It gets better. The girl says in broken English(or w/e language) "It's okay, I know your heart. This is how you say it." Then she kisses the guy.

Okay that was even more cliche than before.

Anywayyy, getting back on topic. When dating someone from a different culture, it might be good to learn about that culture first.

[shooraijin]

I know someone in the reverse situation, a Japanese girl who married an American. It was easier for her because she already spoke English quite well (her accent is imperceptible except to linguist nerds like me). But there were some cultural differences, minimized somewhat by the fact they both had very conservative Christian upbringings which gave them common ground, and fortunately her family absolutely loves him.

I figure in such a situation the more things you can find in common, the better, because the differences will be shockingly obvious. In this case they did.

[Yuki-Anne]

I was talking to one American woman who's been married to a Japanese guy for probably over 20 years, and she was talking about how the big conflict she found was not the cultural differences, but just the fact that he's a man, and she's a woman.

Japanese woman/American man couples are what I see the most, so it's really refreshing to see it the other way around, for obvious reasons.

I've been considering the cultural differences pretty much since I got here. Sometimes Japaneseness seems like this wall that I will never, ever understand, like being part of this culture and fully integrated into it is something I can never achieve. And that may actually be true. But it's been encouraging to be able to talk to Japanese men lately, because it sometime seems like there's this mysterious wall of "we couldn't possibly be any more different, so we may as well not even try to understand one another" between me and most Japanese men my age.

And as for American guys, well, if they are here, they are almost invariably only interested in Japanese girls. :/

[Yamamaya]

I was talking to one American woman who's been married to a Japanese guy for probably over 20 years, and she was talking about how the big conflict she found was not the cultural differences, but just the fact that he's a man, and she's a woman.

Japanese woman/American man couples are what I see the most, so it's really refreshing to see it the other way around, for obvious reasons.

There are reasons you don't see Asian Men/American Caucasion women couples, most of them dealing with prejudices and sterotypes that is best left to another discussion.

I've been considering the cultural differences pretty much since I got here. Sometimes Japaneseness seems like this wall that I will never, ever understand, like being part of this culture and fully integrated into it is something I can never achieve. And that may actually be true. But it's been encouraging to be able to talk to Japanese men lately, because it sometime seems like there's this mysterious wall of "we couldn't possibly be any more different, so we may as well not even try to understand one another" between me and most Japanese men my age.

It doesn't help that American culture and Japanese culture are two of the most dissimilar cultures on the entire planet. America=individualism, melting pot. Japan=more collective, less diversity. I'm not making moral judgments on either nation, I'm just mentioning that they're very different. And of course, misconceptions exist from both nations.

And as for American guys, well, if they are here, they are almost invariably only interested in Japanese girls. :/

Well you can't really blame them. That is a reason why us doodz go there in the first place. I'm not saying it's the only reason, but hey. I'm not saying that's the right way to approach the issue of relationships, I'm just being realistic.

And as a guy, I find Japanese women extremely attractive, but I don't limit myself to dating any particular race. Of course if I went to Japan, I would be looking for a Japanese girl.

[Yuki-Anne]

Well you can't really blame them. That is a reason why us doodz go there in the first place. I'm not saying it's the only reason, but hey. I'm not saying that's the right way to approach the issue of relationships, I'm just being realistic.

And as a guy, I find Japanese women extremely attractive, but I don't limit myself to dating any particular race. Of course if I went to Japan, I would be looking for a Japanese girl.

No, I can't blame them. I say this in the most heterosexual way possible: Japanese girls are hot. Gals like me, we can't compete. My only hope is the occasional Japanese guy who happens to find white girls attractive. But then I might attract (and actually have attracted) fetishists, which is really not an improvement over attracting nobody at all.

[Yamamaya]

No, I can't blame them. I say this in the most heterosexual way possible: Japanese girls are hot. Gals like me, we can't compete. My only hope is the occasional Japanese guy who happens to find white girls attractive. But then I might attract (and actually have attracted) fetishists, which is really not an improvement over attracting nobody at all.

Fetishists are always scary. Having a preference is one thing, a fetish is a whole nother monster entirely.

I disagree with the statement that "you can't compete." You're a very pretty girl. The problem is, and I say this in the most candid way possible, you're in an environment when you're at a disadvantage. American guys there are looking for Japanese women.

Plus looks DEFINITELY aren't everything. Personality counts a lot. Of course guys there are probably attracted to the personalities of Japanese girls in the first place(that's a general statement. Obviously every person has a different personality).

Sorry I'm not helping.

[Yuki-Anne]

The problem is, and I say this in the most candid way possible, you're in an environment when you're at a disadvantage. American guys there are looking for Japanese women.

Plus looks DEFINITELY aren't everything. Personality counts a lot. Of course guys there are probably attracted to the personalities of Japanese girls in the first place(that's a general statement. Obviously every person has a different personality).

Oh, it's true. And, to be fair, I happen to prefer Japanese guys where appearances are concerned, so it's not like it doesn't go both ways.

One thing a lot of American guys appear to do is assign a particular set of character traits to all Japanese women (not saying you're doing that. Just saying some do). That tends to be a big mistake, and causes a lot of problems on its own.

So obviously it's important to understand culture, but also to realize that culture is not going to define a particular person's preferences or personality.

[Yuki-Anne]

Sorry to double post, but I just got proposed to via facebook chat by the aforementioned guy who doesn't speak English who is actually actively pursuing me (to the point of being really annoying and almost creepy).

VIA FACEBOOK CHAT, PEOPLE. Truly, this man is the paragon of romantic sensibility.

My life is now complete.

Also, he's off my friends list.

[Atria35]

Oh, my o.O"

Too much, too soon. And in a completely inappropriate way.

I hope that you at least explained to him why it was inappropriate. Some guys are just clueless like that.

[Nami]

Oh, it's true. And, to be fair, I happen to prefer Japanese guys where appearances are concerned, so it's not like it doesn't go both ways.

Ditto, unfortunately, I know I can't compete with Japanese girls, so instead of competing, I'll just be myself and if they like me, then hey! It means I did something right!

So obviously it's important to understand culture, but also to realize that culture is not going to define a particular person's preferences or personality.

Indeed, in fact, I've found that a lot of Asians like their culture, but they don't always stand by its heavy-duty rules (some of the rules are really odd) But, I mostly find in Korea that's a major issue among family/honor and stuff. Ahaha. (Also, I would heartly embrace their culture and try to learn as much as I could. Asian culture is truly interesting and I'd love to learn a whole lot more about it.)

O________O

He proposed? Wooooow, he is desperate, and I was just talking to one of my friends about desperate Japanese guys.

Phew, well. >> let's hope he doesn't come back. XD

What Atria said, some don't realize they are being inappropriate.