Marital Conflict

[Yuki-Anne]

Hey, guys, I understand if this is a really sensitive topic for some people, but Valentine's Day makes me remember something about my family.

One year, my dad accidentally got my mom a birthday card instead of a Valentine's Day card. We all had a good laugh about it, but later on (can't remember if it was days or weeks later) she brought it up in a fight, yelling and screaming about it even though it was irrelevant to the issue at hand.

It's a completely random memory, but it just kind of reminds me that when I was a kid I saw my parents fight a LOT. My mom yelled and screamed, and my dad would make passive aggressive remarks. Sometimes they would get me and my brothers involved, asking us what we thought or encouraging us to agree against the other parent. Sometimes, after a fight, my mom would tell me, "Never get married; it's not worth it."

December 31, 1999 is forever etched into my memory as the scariest day of my life. That day they had the worst fight I ever watched them have. Both of them yelled, mom threw stuff, dad left without saying where he was going, and my mom even brought up divorce. I was terrified that their marriage would end with the century. And then, that night, the fight was over and we all played Monopoly and watched New Years' fireworks on TV like nothing ever happened.

It makes me think a lot about how people interact in a family, how couples interact, and how they handle conflict, especially around their kids. My friend Jessie never saw her parents fight, and she resented that because she felt like by never seeing any kind of conflict at all, by her parents pretending there wasn't any, she didn't learn how to confront conflict in a healthy manner; she just learned how to walk away and pretend there was nothing going on.

So I was wondering, if it's not too sensitive for some of you, how did your parents handle conflict? Did you ever see them fight? For those of you who are married, how do you handle the conflict in your marriage?

[bkilbour]

Um... my parent's aren't good role models here.
My dad usually just bottled it up, shut down, or walked out the house.
My mom freaked out screaming and crying, and would blame the other on ruining her life; occasionally, she would try to avoid an impending conflict by taking the kids out for a drive. And when she was proven wrong, she'd blame it all on her past and the abuse her own mother put her through; she'd never admit to messing up in anything.

One thing I do praise my dad on, though, is that, though he would shut down, he almost never lost his cool. He'd just keep a straight face and answer the other person plainly, never giving in,never returning the rage my mom threw at him.

In the end, a decade ago, my mom decided that she was through cheating on my dad behind his back; she took all four kids and tried to run away to another state with her boyfriend, where she tried to coach us into hating my dad.
Oh, and it turned out two out of my three siblings have different dads than me.

Again, not the best role models when it comes to marital conflict.

My great-grandparents, on the other hand, were awesome!
Whenever Grandpa Chris or Grandma Flo had a problem with the other, they'd bring it up casually, in a civil way, and the other would respond that way as well. They both kept their senses of humor, were as sweet as could be to one another, and stayed married until the day they died.
My great-grandparents on my mom's side were, from what I have been told, even better.

It's apparently all about patience and love. Keeping what Scripture says in mind helps too.

[ShiroiHikari]

I know I saw my parents fight a few times, but my memories of it are fuzzy. It's not something I like to think about.

If my husband and I are having a disagreement about something, I kinda take a step back and say, "Is this really worth getting into a fight over, or can I just let it go?" If it is something worth getting confrontational over, I try to remain calm so we can actually talk about it and get it solved, rather than screaming and throwing things and being all "I MAD". I used to throw tantrums all the time, and it was immature of me and never got me anywhere. It's okay to be angry about something, but screaming and throwing things is just...not good. Especially in front of your kids.

[Ante Bellum]

Ah heh, yeah...
Let's see. Stubbornness seems to run in the family, and it showed. When they argued (which was a lot), there would be screaming and even trying to get my brother and me to go against the other, or using us as messengers. It would go on for a while, and while they would sometimes make up, most of the time they just let things cool down while giving each other the cold shoulder. Sometimes, though, my mom would leave, sleep somewhere else (try in a barn in the middle of winter), or lock herself up in her room and sleep. (This was before the psychiatrist figured out some of her problems, though, and helped to regulate them.) Dad would stay outside in his workshop. Sometimes, he got violent and would break something (a hockey stick, a few cell phones, and his hand are the only things, though.), but there was never violence between them.
Strangely enough, they've never even separated. I guess it was because they WERE so vocal about their problems, so they were able to work things out.

On the other hand, my uncle almost never argued with his ex. They never even really talked...they emailed each other. My grandmother said, "They must have a good relationship because they never argued." As I mentioned before, they are no longer married.

[Atria35]

Man. Where do I even begin? Probably by saying my parents don't handle conflict.

My mom fell out of love and grew to hate my father when I was very, very young. A little after my bro's birth, I think, so I would have been about 4. She realized that he was manipulative, sexist, controlling, and somewhat abusive.

And because he has had a stroke and can no longer properly comprehend/respond/argue, he gets yelled at for his behaviour. A lot. When I was in Elementary School, it was almost every night. Now Mom just ignores him unless there's a real problem, like our furnace needing to be replaced because there's a gas leak, and he can't see why it can't be put off.

The worst moment? I was probably about 17, and dad needed to tell mom something. So I get called up (mom won't speak to him directly), and he tells me. I go downstairs, calmly tell mom. It ticks her off, and she yells her answer at me. I go upstairs and calmly tell her answer to him. He gets mad, yells his answer at me. I go downstairs and tell mom calmly, and I get yelled at again. This goes on about 4 times per parent.

Then I blew. First I told my mother exactly where she could stick it, to take a flying leap, and if she had a problem with that then too bad, she could tell dad. I was not her whipping girl. Then I went upstairs and yelled the exact same thing at my dad.

I went to my room after that.

It was definitely the worst fight between them because they pulled me into the middle of it in the worst way. I am not sorry about what I said to them.

And they wonder why I have emotional issues... I worry about it, because I have never had good- or any- role models when it came to that, since my grandparents were dead and I never see my relatives, which also doesn't matter at this point since most of my relatives are widows/widowers.

[Lynna]

Wow, I thought My parents were bad!
I'm always annoyed how they fight over what seems to me to be nothing, and things can get pretty bad, and really, their fighting always scared me.
But now I'm graitful, because I realize that even though it could get pretty rough, they could be a lot worse at it than they are. And they normally work it out in the end.

[CrystalChalice]

As far as I know, my parents were the kind of people who would just talk about their problems in a civil manner. In fact, I only get worried when either one of them would start to raise their voices.

[Kaori]

Come to think of it, I can’t even recall ever having seen my parents raise their voices at each other—and not because there was a “covering up the conflictâ€

[shooraijin]

On the lighter side, I can just see it now: a PowerPoint presentation and the first slide is,

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS OF HOW OFTEN YOU LEAVE THE SEAT UP, HONEY

Jokes aside, my folks probably had it a bit more difficult because they had an extremely attenuated courtship (think six months and thousands of miles of distance), and they themselves have said many times to avoid doing what they did. Possibly for that reason, there are personality differences that still cause friction between them, though I only remember one really explosive fight as a child. That said, they will be 40 years married in about a month. Part of that too probably has to do with one big cultural similarity they share; they both come from traditions where you love the one you're with, and divorce just isn't an option. If you're dealing with two people who are basically decent and moral to begin with, coming from that specific viewpoint can stabilize a lot.

[Yamamaya]

My mom and dad did and still do get into a lot of arguments. It mostly involves my mom bringing up a grievance and then repeating her same points over and over until my dad gets irritated and says a passive aggressive comment or mutters a half hearted apology.

There are only a few arguments I can remember when they both really exploded. I was around 10 at the time. I tried to get involved, but to no avail. They've threatened divorce a few times but they've never gone through with it.

Somehow, they're still married. Part of the problem is my dad is a long distance truck driver and my mom is a stay at home thus they have a lot of personality conflicts.

[Tsukuyomi]

My parents fought quite a bit here and there as well ^__^ Sometimes, it was a bit more serious then the last, but some how they would make it though ^^ I guess the good thing about them arguing it out was that they did get it out and were able to get pass it.. For the most part at least... xD;

I think it did get to the point where they did bring up divorce, but were able to get passed that too ^__^

[Jingo Jaden]

My parents got divorced after some fights when I was young. I lived with my mother, but saw my father a fair deal as well.

[TopazRaven]

My parents STILL argue, my mother despises my dad. They aren't divorced yet, but they've been seperated for years. It was hard to deal with when I was a kid at times, but I guess I'm just used to it now. I try to play the part of household peacekeeper.

[samurai10]

Well, one thing my parents NEVER did was throw things.

Well, that's not entirely true.

My mom never threw things, but my dad has a bad bad BAD temper. From what I hear, before I was born, he used to throw things a lot. But his temperament became better, I can't remember ever seeing him throw something.

They are usually verbal in their arguments though. I can sometimes hear them yelling from the other side of the house. They usually don't get us (me and my sisters) involved, but my mom sometimes brings us up in their yelling.

The worst argument that my parents ever had that I can remember, was that my dad was being snobby one night. My mom became really mad when he snobbed her off, and kind of....exploded. She started ranting on about how she was the one who was holding our family together, and brought up instances of how each of us had hurt her a lot. She started crying, and my dad was really upset. I was really scared that night. And yeah....

Case and point: My parents don't fight much. But when they do, it's horrible and frightening.

In spite of this, they've managed to stay together, and had their silver anniversary last year. Like Suki's parents. ^^

[Hiryu]

I think my parents haven't ever been in a big fight before. I don't recall them talking about divorce,either so I guess they're reasonally stable, even though I think my dad doesn't use his head sometimes. Nonetheless, he's still a great guy.

I've seen a few of my friends go through a divorce. I offer praise to god for letting my parents stay together.

[Atria35]

I was/am so miserable because my parents have to be together, that when I was six I asked my mom why she didn't divorce dad so I could have a new one.

I don't like my dad much, either.

And my mother is so miserable that she has said that she'd rather see me living with a guy than ever getting married.

[Yuki-Anne]

My mom and dad did and still do get into a lot of arguments. It mostly involves my mom bringing up a grievance and then repeating her same points over and over until my dad gets irritated and says a passive aggressive comment or mutters a half hearted apology.

That sounds so much like mine it's not even funny.

I've gotten to the point where I can predict my mother's patterns. Having studied psychology and analyzed my childhood, I realized that my mother had some deep-seated issues which spilled over into her interactions with the rest of us. These days, I can figure out when she's spoiling for a blow-up, sometimes before she even can. She told me when I was visiting this Christmas that I understand her better than anybody else in the family.

But yeah, I really want to learn to handle conflict differently. I don't want to yell and scream, not in front of my children, not at my children. I don't want to get in horrible, nasty fights with my husband that leave my children (and probably my husband and I) feeling traumatized.

I observed when I left for college and had several different roommates, that the only people I ever yelled at were the ones in my family. I would be fine at college, contain my anger, and react to unfavorable situations with varying degrees of maturity (or, sometimes, passive-aggressive immaturity, but I've been working hard on outgrowing that), but then when I got home, I'd get in shouting matches with my family. I felt like such an ugly person. So during the past couple of years I've been working on not yelling at my family, because it just leaves people (specifically my oldest brother) hurt and me feeling really guilty. It takes so much effort, though, because it was like throughout my entire childhood my mother was training me to handle personal conflict by yelling. It's a nasty habit, and it's been really hard work to break it.

[Sapphire225]

[quote="Yuki-Anne (post: 1457742)"]It makes me think a lot about how people interact in a family, how couples interact, and how they handle conflict, especially around their kids. My friend Jessie never saw her parents fight, and she resented that because she felt like by never seeing any kind of conflict at all, by her parents pretending there wasn't any, she didn't learn how to confront conflict in a healthy manner]

My parents never fought in front of us, although (as far as I know), they rarely fought. However, because of watching of my uncles fought with their wives made me kind of wonder what getting into marriage is like and is one of the reasons why I'm glad I'm not in a relationship at the moment (Not that I don't sometimes desire to have a boyfriend or anything).

However, I remember this one particularly nasty fight between my grandfather and my grandmother when he was still alive. My grandfather was far from good when my mom was younger. He used to be an abusive alcoholic drunk before he came to Christ and when he did, he was probably the kindest man I knew. But they had a fight in which my mom had to drive us, my sister and I, back home and they yelled so loud I could hear them from the sidewalk from the kitchen, which was in the back of the house. I was so terrified he would strike her (although, thank God, it never happend).

[Cognitive Gear]

I have never seen my parents fight, or even argue or debate about anything.

This, along with other factors, has resulted in me always going the extra mile to prevent arguments, which are not to be confused with discussions about problems or even debates. I am pretty good at handling conflict as a result, since I will always try to confront the issue before it becomes a real problem.

I tend to think of this as a good thing, since I tend to hate it when people "yell at" each other. In my experience, it tends to serve no purpose other than to scare kids. (and possibly as an emotional release, but there are much better ways to do that)

Honestly, I am surprised to hear that people's parents actually throw and break things. I haven't encountered that in my life. I figured that it was something that only happened in the movies and in very extreme circumstances. That must be my naivety, I suppose.

[Yuki-Anne]

Honestly, I am surprised to hear that people's parents actually throw and break things. I haven't encountered that in my life. I figured that it was something that only happened in the movies and in very extreme circumstances. That must be my naivety, I suppose.

Consider yourself truly blessed that this surprises you.

I consider myself truly blessed that throwing things was as bad as it ever got in my family.

[Shao Feng-Li]

My mom and dad would fight once in a while. Dad would do something upsetting. They're divorced now, so...

[ChristianKitsune]

My parents dont' fight too much, (at least when I'm home XD) sometimes when they would have "Discussions" they would send me and My older sister out to play, but they've always worked through it.

I can remember my mom crying once...but it wasn't because of my dad, it was just stress over financial situations...

My mom used to be on anti-depressants for anxiety, and when she forgot to take them, ooooh booyyy look out! She just couldn't control her emotions sometimes.. :/ and she'd say things she didn't mean. But my father is a very patient man...and I really respect him for that.

So they just talk it out, with sometimes raised voices, but mostly just a discussion.

[armeck]

my parents never yelled or through things... but they're divorcing now...

[TWWK]

I guess I'm the first to talk about my personal marital fights?

Let's see...my wife and I aren't the most graceful (gracious?) people in the world. We're in a stressful part of life - we have two kids aged 2 and under and have financial difficulties. Some days are very tough, especially since one of my children has special needs (though nothing critical). So on these days, unless we're proactive about being loving to each other and the kids, a fight WILL happen.

Usually, we throw some judgmental remarks at each other and quickly make up (always in front of the kids). But ocassionally, the fights get really loud. My wife leaves to a room to be by herself and I'm left steaming. I almost always feel like making up very quickly, but she needs her time and space. Since I'm all emotional by this point, I get angry because I'm wondering why she can't forgive so quickly, forgetting that we're not all built the same way.

Anyway, as the kids are getting older and as we focus more on our prayer lives and spiritual lives in general, we have fewer fights in general, and certainly less major fights. Of course, in the end, this is really important because it gets our little ones upset. We love on them lots and on each other, which is good - but better would be to deal with our arguments in the constructive way of which we know, but usually don't do.

[K. Ayato]

My husband and I have been married for little over 6 months now (yay!), and so far, we've only exploded at each other twice. I strongly encourage couples who are dating or are already married to get a copy of the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I attended one of the conferences while engaged and it has helped me gain a better grasp on how conflict can start as well as how both men and ladies can internalize things and the overall meaning they draw to a conclusion.

First off, note that my husband is in the Navy. He's under a lot of stress almost every day and when he comes home, it can take a long time for him to let it go. One of his things he'll do to unwind is play games on his laptop (Farmville, Castle Age, WoW, or some other game). There was one night, however, where I felt he was going back on his promise for some alone time and snapped at him. He reacted in both shock and anger. Once the emotions died down, I realized that my reaction hurt him. As Emerson in the book writes, at that time I was crying out for love, but with how I handled it, my husband felt I was disrespecting him, and for (generally speaking) most men, especially someone serving our country, any sign of disrespect is a low blow. We moved past it, thank God.

Second fight was along the same lines, but this time it took place over email, since my husband was out at sea. It took a bit longer to get past the hurt and anger, but things are better again .

[Nami]

Oh dear, there are some pretty harsh stories on here...

Well, I can't honestly say that anything ever got resolved in my family. My dad was (and might still be) manipulative. And my mom, well..she is the silent angry type.

I can think of a ton of really bad fights, two in which my mother was almost killed. The first one occurred when my mother forgot to pick up my dad's prescription medicine, he charged into the kitchen my sisters and I were under the table, and I poked my head out and saw this (my sisters barely remember this.) my dad's hands wrapped around my mom's throat as he attempted to strangle her. I don't remember how she got away, but I do remember that.

Second, was when my dad came home (and I'm not sure the reasons) but he charged my mom down the hallway with a pair of pliers and she had to fend him off with a shoe. That's whens he called the cops on him. We stayed at my great-grandma's that night.

My mom did everything she could to fix their marriage, for 20 years, she pushed for counseling, she tried to make things right. She though it was her fault. But in actuality, it was him. He is the child of an alcoholic who's father was an alcoholic ( so my dad, granddad and great-grandfather) and because that side of the family NEVER learned to resolve anything and only learned to hate each other... well, he was just really jacked up.

Anyway, sometimes things were resolved, but not thoroughly. Needless to say, after my dad accused my mom of wanting to sleep with an 18 year old (when he looked at porn and dating websites.) She divorced him.

So... this doesn't really help. But thanks to all my friends parents who sometimes argued in front of us, they were good role-models because they never screamed and fought. And I knew for a fact that my parents were not normal. Or how real families should be. I in fact know how to handle most situations (sometimes) but I am still struggling with it all. I do however, have to calm my Mom and my older sister when they quarrel.

I try to handle arguments gracefully. ^^; not that it always works. HAHA!

Reading this thread is interesting, maybe I'll get some good advice from it ya?

[TopazRaven]

Wow. 0.o...in least the worse I can say my dad ever did was kick our dog. Then my mom screamed at him like no tomorrow for that and he never did it again. He really shouldn't have done it at all though. Our poor dalamation had a rough life before we got her. She was stolen for a petshop as a puppy, beaten and abused by her kidnappers and then dumped somewhere before some guy found her and brought her back to the pet shop. She was over 6 months when she came back and my mom felt so bad we bought her. I had been begging for a dalamation anyway after seeing Disney's 101 Dalamations. That was a long time ago though, she died when I was around 13. Still my dog hated my dad for the rest of her days after that.

[FllMtl Novelist]

Hmm. Well when my parents argue it tends to be loud, because my Dad's voice carries well anyway, and then he tends to raise it. I've never seen Mom raise hers. No big tantrums. At the worst Dad will pound the table or something, and one time I heard that Mom slammed the refrigerator door.

I used to get scared half to death when Dad was "frustrated" and hide up in my room until things got better, but recently it's stopped terrifying me. Partly because I see my parents less as "Fu's Parents, The Chosen Ones" and more like regular people who get frustrated and angry just like I do. I still don't like it when there's a problem, though.

Also, I am saddened and somewhat shocked at some of the stories on here. Nami your story's pretty harsh too, I think.

[steenajack]

Wow...there is some stuff in this thread that really surprises me and makes me sad. Yet, it amazes me of how we all come from may different backgrounds. I would never have suspected half of these things....both the happy and the sad..... I really fee for all you guys.

I remember my parents getting into some pretty nasty fights...my mom was the one who yelled the most...once in a blue moon though my dad would shout, which tended to scare me since he almost NEVER looses his cool. My mom was pretty verbal, and would say some pretty nasty things.
Now though, they don't really have big fights like that anymore. They've really relaxed over the years, and their arguments have become more civil. They seem to think things through a bit, and...no matter what, I've always seen them fine later. They'd make up, and before you knew it the next day or the day after they'd be loving on eachother again. Yeah, once in a blue moon they'll have a little yelling, but not as much as they used to.
I guess what I've learned from my is to persevere, even when it's hard. You and your partner may have bad times, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice all the good times because of them. In fact, the hard times you have may make you stronger. So don't give up, no matter how hard it get's.

[Yamamaya]

All these posts are part of the reason why I dread getting married.

It just seems from what I've heard that once you make the jump from gf/lover/significant other, you lose something after the first few years of marriage. That person you were once in love with becomes a part time enemy as you both attempt to outdo each other. It seems like couples go from lovers after the first month of marriage to prison mates as they are "tied together."


I'm sure there are good examples of marriage and a little conflict is necessary at times, but still.