[Mature] Views On Sexuality

[Sapphire225]

I...am just not even going to get started on why I don't agree with waiting until the wedding day to kiss.

Here I'll explain. I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with kissing before marriage. It's just that, I think it would be awesome for the first pair of lips for me to kiss to be my last as well. It'd be sweet.

Also, I think I'd be a bigger fan of hugs.

[TopazRaven]

Here I'll explain. I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with kissing before marriage. It's just that, I think it would be awesome for the first pair of lips for me to kiss to be my last as well. It'd be sweet.

Also, I think I'd be a bigger fan of hugs.

That actually does sound rather sweet. I'm not sure what I think about it though. I probably won't know until I actually have a boyfriend. *Sighs* I still find myself being so confused about the whole sex before marriage thing. I don't like to think my friends and such would go to hell just because they have sex before marriage. I don't think I'll ever do such a thing because regarding me and sex the thought kind of freaks me out and scares me. However, I can't see the future so I can't really know I guess...

[Htom Sirveaux]

I know a guy at work, a real chauvinist (or in the modern lingo, a "player," though I don't see what makes one different from the other) who could totally hook me up with a woman for a good time. All I'd have to do is ask. And sometimes I wonder, "Why not? Why can't I have some fun for once? There's nothing stopping me but myself and my own silly ethics and principles." If I continued along these lines, I might almost be able to convince myself. But I'm just not cut out to be a hedonistic pleasure-seeker. There are no guarantees, too many things could go wrong, could change forever. I only wanna be that intimate with my wife, whoever she may be. The woman whom I both love and trust absolutely more than anyone else in the world.

Society likes to shove sex in our faces. But I reject the notion that I must be sexually active just because I can be. I can chew my own tongue off, or break all my toes, but I'm not gonna. They say, "You only live once!" Yes, and I wanna die with as few regrets as possible.

[TopazRaven]

I know a guy at work, a real chauvinist (or in the modern lingo, a "player," though I don't see what makes one different from the other) who could totally hook me up with a woman for a good time. All I'd have to do is ask. And sometimes I wonder, "Why not? Why can't I have some fun for once? There's nothing stopping me but myself and my own silly ethics and principles." If I continued along these lines, I might almost be able to convince myself. But I'm just not cut out to be a hedonistic pleasure-seeker. There are no guarantees, too many things could go wrong, could change forever. I only wanna be that intimate with my wife, whoever she may be. The woman whom I both love and trust absolutely more than anyone else in the world.

Society likes to shove sex in our faces. But I reject the notion that I must be sexually active just because I can be. I can chew my own tongue off, or break all my toes, but I'm not gonna. They say, "You only live once!" Yes, and I wanna die with as few regrets as possible.

I understand where you're coming from. Having sex just to have sex doesn't make much sense to me. However I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to be a perfect Christian and I'm probably already doomed to hell because of certain beliefs I have. In the end I'll still try to be a good person and I'll always believe in God and Jesus though, I'm just not sure if that is enough.

[ShiroiHikari]

...I'm never going to be a perfect Christian

Nobody is perfect! Being Christian doesn't mean you have to be perfect all the time-- we're human; we fail sometimes. And God knows that. As long as we're living for Christ, we won't be condemned.

[CrimsonRyu17]

I simply don't bother with such trivial and pointless nuisances. Relationships and love are the most overrated events in the universe and far too much emphasis is put on them. There are much more fascinating things to see and more important things to do.

Like play videogames.

Regardless, sex is sex. It is a means of passing on genes and reproducing but, to us and a select few other mammals, it is also a tool for social bonding between mates. That's really all it is to me. I don't believe it's some holy covenant. It's sex and it's none of my business what you do with it.

I do, however, expect you to know the full responsibilities and risks in sex and not come to me crying about how you somehow managed to not know you could get pregnant/catch something from it.

And that's my rather simplified view on the subject.

[TopazRaven]

[quote="ShiroiHikari (post: 1436358)"]Nobody is perfect! Being Christian doesn't mean you have to be perfect all the time-- we're human]

Thanks. You know, I really like everyone on this site. You're all so kind! Before I found this website, I was asking questions like the ones here on Yahoo Answers. Some of the comments sounded so angry, yelling at me that I was going to hell. Some of them where so mean they made me cry...Then again I am overly sensitive and depressed so that probably contributed to it.

[Atria35]

^ I'm going with CrimsonRyu on the sex part.

But a lot of people on Yahoo!Answers are trolls. So I don't listen to them about practical, personal advice anyway.

CAA mods for that sort of thing.

[ShiroiHikari]

I don't believe it's some holy covenant.

Neither do I...

[ChristianKitsune]

I understand where you're coming from. Having sex just to have sex doesn't make much sense to me. However I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to be a perfect Christian and I'm probably already doomed to hell because of certain beliefs I have. In the end I'll still try to be a good person and I'll always believe in God and Jesus though, I'm just not sure if that is enough.

Not to be too hard on you (Because actually what I have to say is GOOD news...)

If you have accepted Christ as your Savior then that IS enough... God has taken all your sins, past present and future and has forgiven them all...

You are not DOOMED to hell, you are sanctified, set apart (Phillipians 2) and most of all LOVED.

Don't buy the lie that you will never be good enough, because a relationship with Christ can be achieved, and that is what is the whole point of this "following Christ" thing... to know and be known by a God who LOVES us and whose death on the Cross was enough to save us from ourselves.

Ephesians 2:8-10 is what I'm talking about here:
[I]For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—]

That word Grace is exactly what Jesus dying on the cross has done for us. Grace is like Mercy, and that we are getting what we DON'T deserve, (eternal life) but because God loves us we get it...does that make sense?

That doesn't give us liscense to sin of course... but yah. If you have any questions, I'd be more than happy to answer them, as I am sure a lot of members here on CAA would be as well. PM me if you need!

Take hold on to your identity in Christ and never let go of that!

I don't know who is telling you that you've been to bad to be saved, but they should be ashamed of themselves. :/ That's an utter lie, and it makes me sad to hear that. I mean, after all if we were perfect Christians, we wouldn't need Christ...and that's another point to all this. Letting Christ lead us!

*hugs*

[Nate]

It's just that, I think it would be awesome for the first pair of lips for me to kiss to be my last as well. It'd be sweet.

It would be, but it's likely unrealistic.

Just ask my mom, when my dad died and she remarried. I'm sure she thought my father would be the last person she'd kiss as well. But he died, and she remarried.

I think to think things like "I want my first kiss to be with the person I'll always be with" is a bit arrogant. It's presuming we know what God wants for us. I don't think it's bad to necessarily want that, but to try and actually put it into practice...well, let's just say God has a way of showing us our best laid plans aren't as good as we think. Again, just ask my mom.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding judgmental. I'm not trying to be. I just think people should live realistically. Some people do spend their entire lives with only one person. It's very sweet, but it's not the default, it's not guaranteed, and while it's nice to say "I hope that happens to me" I don't think you should set unrealistic expectations. It's kind of like how if you're a missionary, you should WANT everyone you work with to become saved, but if you expect them to, you're probably going to be upset.

Also, I think I'd be a bigger fan of hugs.

I agree with that. Hugs are more fun to me than kisses.

[Hiryu]

Thanks. You know, I really like everyone on this site. You're all so kind! Before I found this website, I was asking questions like the ones here on Yahoo Answers. Some of the comments sounded so angry, yelling at me that I was going to hell. Some of them where so mean they made me cry...Then again I am overly sensitive and depressed so that probably contributed to it.

Yea, some people are trolls, but other people are christians who've been taught to be machines that only agree on a certain logic. God forbid you have a differing opinion.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I'm gonna contest against you on this one, Nate. Lol.

I think people should not live realistically! Instead, I think people should live idealistically but not depend on the hope of the results. As in when idealist beliefs do not occur, one doesn't get discouraged too much cause they're not expecting anything.

But I speak as a major idealist on this one... Haha. I fully understand that many things in life do not work out; thus the appeal and reason to living realistically. Many cynics were idealists who had their hopes turn into expectations which were later not met. So the key isn't to expect anything, but to always hope! And I tie this with love too. i.e. Corinthians. You are to always hope because you are to always love.

I just like being a dreamer. It's something I refuse to stop being. XD

[Htom Sirveaux]

I just like being a dreamer. It's something I refuse to stop being. XD

The thing about dreams is . . . you wake up from them.
I'm not trying to antagonize you or anything, it's just . . . I guess I'm one of those cynical realists you mentioned. I couldn't handle being a dreamer. I'd be constantly frustrated by the fact that I can't really fly.

The way I prefer is to allow some room for hope (once it's earned the right to that room), but be fully prepared for disappointment.
And sometimes I still get blindsided no matter what.

People in general, I think, should live realistically, idealistically, puddingistically, whatever. One person hasn't got the right to tell others how they should live.

[QtheQreater]

Here I'll explain. I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with kissing before marriage. It's just that, I think it would be awesome for the first pair of lips for me to kiss to be my last as well. It'd be sweet.

If you really want your first kiss to be on your wedding day, then stick with it. It can be done. Just realize that it's hard, and you might not feel like sticking with it after a while. I would say that it'd be to your future husband's credit to be willing to wait all the way until marriage for that. Just please please please don't treat yourself like "damaged goods" if for some reason it doesn't work out that way. To me, this is one of the dangers of making rules for yourself like the "no kissing" thing.

That being said, I'm a big fan of establishing "re-definable rules" for relationships. Re-definable in the sense that, as the relationship progresses, you can discuss how much more or less intimate things can get. Just so you have at least something to walk by in the heat of the moment. Romance does funny things to your head, and what seems like a good idea now might make you pretty angry with yourself later.

[shooraijin]

Just please please please don't treat yourself like "damaged goods" if for some reason it doesn't work out that way. To me, this is one of the dangers of making rules for yourself like the "no kissing" thing.

^^ QFT.

[armeck]

I'm probably already doomed to hell because of certain beliefs I have. In the end I'll still try to be a good person and I'll always believe in God and Jesus though, I'm just not sure if that is enough.

it is enough, [SIZE="7"]NOTHING[/SIZE] you can do can save you eternally, only Jesus can... faith is the most important thing

[ChristianKitsune]

it is enough, [SIZE="7"]NOTHING[/SIZE] you can do can save you eternally, only Jesus can... faith is the most important thing

QFT

Also, nothing can separate you from Jesus' love
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

[TopazRaven]

Thank you everyone! I feel a little better now. I love Jesus! xD But, I feel like my relationship with God could be stronger. I read the bible and all and I'll be going back to church this Sunday, but I am still kinda awkward with praying. I don't really know how to pray correctly. I usually just end up randomly talking to God in my head when I'm taking a walk or something.

[Nate]

I usually just end up randomly talking to God in my head when I'm taking a walk or something.

That's one of the best ways to pray. Jesus had some things to say about prayer, which went like this:

“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

For the record, this is why I don't bow my head and say grace when I'm eating out in public. If I do say grace, I'll say it quickly ("Thanks for the food, God") but refuse to bow my head or close my eyes, or do anything to bring attention to it.

As far as things like SYATP, I don't think those are necessarily bad or wrong to do, but I don't go to 'em. Well I mean, I'm not in school or anything anyway, but I didn't go to them even when I was. Again, I know the point of it isn't to make others look at you and say "Look at us praying, we're so great!" but personally, that verse causes me to be very uncomfortable regarding any public prayer whatsoever, so I just avoid it entirely.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Topaz, I highly encourage you to look up Christian Mysticism (Which is a rather broad idea itself, by the way XD). It sounds like it would be right up your alley! I think you will benefit a lot from it! Look up people like Thomas Merton and St. John of the Cross. Merton is by far one of my favorite spiritual writers.

[Davidizer13]

I don't really know how to pray correctly. I usually just end up randomly talking to God in my head when I'm taking a walk or something.

Like Nate said, that's basically the best way to pray. I think prayer should be a natural expression of your thoughts and feelings to God as you're going through them, saying the things you might say if you had a friend walking next to you. Another thing I like to do is take a Bible verse and let it tumble around in my head, paraphrasing it into something else and pulling new meaning from it you're thinking about it.

As for the whole sexuality thing, if sex just doesn't interest you, you could be asexual. Let's face it, sex is a messy business, with hormones buzzing around and egregious violations of personal space, and then there's the whole having a relationship with the other person, etc., and it's perfectly fine if you just don't want to deal with all that. I wouldn't blame you if you did go that route - dating and marriage can be emotionally (and financially) draining if you're not ready for it (and even for people who are), which is one of the reasons I've stayed away from that until I'm out of school and have the time and resources to think about it. Asexual people do get married, but it's more about companionship and an emotional bond than a physical one - you could argue that that's how marriage should be, focused on emotions and spiritually building each other up rather than merely a sexual outlet.

[Nate]

if sex just doesn't interest you

I'm assuming you're talking to Topaz. If so, she never said sex didn't interest her. She said she was apprehensive about it, a bit scared of it. That's not the same as having no interest in it. There's plenty of reasons she might be uncomfortable about the thought of sex, which are varied and I won't go into them, since I'm no psychologist.

you could argue that that's how marriage should be, focused on emotions and spiritually building each other up rather than merely a sexual outlet.

I'm not a marriage counselor either, but I'm pretty sure any marriage counselor would disagree with you vehemently. Sex isn't the most important thing in the world, but that doesn't make it unimportant. Quite frankly, if you ignore the sexual part of marriage, you are probably setting yourself up for a very, VERY harsh and painful situation.

As others have said, sex has a very deep emotional component that joins two people together. If a married couple doesn't have a healthy sex life, they're not going to feel "together." And then guess what happens? One of the partners finds other ways to fulfill their sexual desire. Porn. Prostitutes. Mistresses. They keep these things secret, so their spouse won't find out. Inevitably, the spouse will eventually find out. Then what? Broken marriage.

Sex is a way of expressing emotion and desire. It's vitally important to a marriage. That doesn't mean you need to have sex every night or anything (I don't think any married couples do that) but you DO need to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life, or it leads to marital problems. It's the way God meant for it to be. Now are there couples that don't have sex lives but still have good marriages? Yeah, sure. Of course there are. There's also people that have been next to a grenade exploding and lived, but I'm not going to go stand near live grenades anytime soon, because that's not the usual result of that situation. You can't look at the exception and think it's the rule.

In fact, some quick Google results about sex in the context of marriage:

couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say.

"A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically]."

Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being. But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages.

Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.

Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations.

So as you can see, sex is EXTREMELY important in marriage. One of the quotes I listed said yes, some couples are happy even without sex, but again, exception, not the rule. Also, from a Christian perspective, let's look at what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7...man that passage gets a lot of mention here huh?

Verse 3 says "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." Guess what that's talking about? It's pretty clear since Paul opens up chapter 7 talking about sexual immorality. Paul in verse 3 is saying "Married couples should have sex."

Again in verse 5, Paul says, "Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." So Paul says don't deprive each other of sex, unless you both agree ahead of time, and do it so you can focus on God...but then make sure you go back to each other so you don't commit adultery.

Now, it's also important to remember what love is. Patient, kind, etc. This means that husbands can't and shouldn't use these verses to coerce their wives into having sex, "You HAVE to, the Bible COMMANDS you to." That's not what Paul is intending to happen. Love is being respectful of the other person. The main thing to take away here is, sex is important in a marriage. And again, as I posted before, studies have shown couples with bad sex lives are more likely to consider divorce, have health and emotional problems, and so on. So while sex may not be the most important thing, it is a very, VERY important thing in a marriage, and to say that marriage should be about emotions and not sex is missing the point of what role sex plays in a marriage.

[Warrior4Christ]

So, yeah, lifetime monogamous relationships where the two "have become one flesh" are marriage, and approved by God. I don't see anywhere that this has to be officiated. This, however, does not make marriage any less serious of a commitment.

The key points/purposes of marriage ceremony are that it involves the community (people you know), and gives them an opportunity to show their support, approval of the union, and join in celebrating. It also gives the couple a chance to publicly declare their lifelong commitment. It's also kind of an official "handing over" by the parents of the bride and groom to make a new family. So I don't really agree with a couple just slowly slipping into a sexual relationship over time and calling that marriage - the above points weren't part of it at all. Does the declaration of commitment come before or after the sex?
"Oh, you're pregnant... I didn't know you two were married..?"
So I don't really agree with implicit marriage.

[Sheol777]

Well, it doesn't seem like there is much feedback from actual married people now that we have hit the part where we talk about sex in marriage.

For a little background, I believe in remaining sexually pure before marriage. I was a virgin before I got married. Did other things transpire between me and my now wife that were "questionable?" Yes. If I could go back again I would be a little more firm on the boundaries we set as a couple. Having wondering hands and such before we were married has let to some guilt on our part.

If you want to never kiss or cuddle before you are married, that is fine too. I am of the opinion that humans are built as sexual beings, but that sexuality in christianity should be reserved for inside a marriage relationship.

My wife however was not a virgin when we were wed. To this day she has issues, regrets and complications with love because of the choices she made in her younger years.

The one thing I do agree with Nate about is his stance on a healthy sex life inside of marriage. It is important. Women (generally) need more feeling and emotion to feel close and needed. Men (generally) need sex as a connection with their spouse.

So I recommend that if anyone is confused or unsure of what to do...wouldn't it be better to just wait for sex then to just do it and regret it later?

[K. Ayato]

Sheol and I have a few things in common. My husband was the only guy I dated, and there were a few times we started to compromise on the physical boundaries we placed in our relationship. Not that any were unrealistic, mind you. But having been raised in an environment where sex was a "Do Not Discuss" kind of topic, I would end up feeling guilty whenever I noticed something felt really good and I wanted more of it. Also, if he mentioned anything relating to sex, I'd close myself off to the conversation and questioning why he wanted to talk about those things.

My husband's been very patient with me during the engagement and on through the first month of our marriage. Suffice to say, I'm more open to talking about sex. It's no longer a forbidden subject .

[Etoh*the*Greato]

The key points/purposes of marriage ceremony are that it involves the community (people you know), and gives them an opportunity to show their support, approval of the union, and join in celebrating. It also gives the couple a chance to publicly declare their lifelong commitment. It's also kind of an official "handing over" by the parents of the bride and groom to make a new family. So I don't really agree with a couple just slowly slipping into a sexual relationship over time and calling that marriage - the above points weren't part of it at all. Does the declaration of commitment come before or after the sex?
"Oh, you're pregnant... I didn't know you two were married..?"
So I don't really agree with implicit marriage.

But, to play devil's advocate (heh), the marriage ceremony is a highly cultural thing. God didn't ordain that people had to follow xyz marriage ceremony in order to become married. In fact, if we we were to take anything as biblical truth the indication of the early israelite culture seems to be that the initial act of fornication was in itself the marriage. Sure, there was a feast that went with it, but that didn't seem to matter as much as the act itself.

The marriage ceremony we have in the western world today is largely a thing of extravagance conjured by the Victorians of the 19th century, who were very much obsessed with cultural status and social pride. There is almost no part of it that is derived from anything biblical.

[TopazRaven]

I'm probably going to sound stupid, but what does QFT mean? I was re-reading everyone's post this morning and now I relize I have no idea what that stands for.

Topaz, I highly encourage you to look up Christian Mysticism (Which is a rather broad idea itself, by the way XD). It sounds like it would be right up your alley! I think you will benefit a lot from it! Look up people like Thomas Merton and St. John of the Cross. Merton is by far one of my favorite spiritual writers.

Thanks for the advice Mr. SmartyPants. I'll be sure to look that up!

As for the whole sexuality thing, if sex just doesn't interest you, you could be asexual.

I don't think I'm really asexual. I mean, I am attracted to men, I just don't personally want to have sex with any of them. I see a guy and sometimes think, 'oh he's cute/handsome/hot/you get the point!' (Now that I think about it, is that considered lusting?) Though in all honesty personality mattes more to me then looks any day! It's not going to do you any good if the guy is great looking but is also a huge jerk now is it? xD

[Sheenar]

I'm probably going to sound stupid, but what does QFT mean? I was re-reading everyone's post this morning and now I relize I have no idea what that stands for.

Quoted For Truth. It just means that someone agrees with someone else's post and is quoting it to say they agree, basically.

As for prayer, prayer is simply talking to God. You don't need any fancy words and there is no right/wrong way to do it, really. Often lately, I don't know what to say when I pray, so it's been "God, you know what I need and what the future holds. I trust You." Just talk to Him openly and honestly --even if you find a time when you are angry with Him, tell Him --it won't surprise Him.
Look at the Psalms --many of them are filled with raw emotions --asking God to destroy enemies or asking Him why something has happened --but they end with praising God or saying they trust Him to make a way.

As for sex, I agree with Nate. It's not the most important thing in marriage, but it is still important. There wouldn't be Scripture about fulfilling your marital duty if it wasn't. I recommend the Tommy Nelson Song of Solomon study about this --it approaches the topic in a real way --doesn't skirt around the tough stuff --and I found it very beneficial.

[Hiryu]

Though in all honesty personality mattes more to me then looks any day! It's not going to do you any good if the guy is great looking but is also a huge jerk now is it? xD

This is certain. I could date a supermodel, but if she's a total [something], then it's really not worth it.