Suicidal

[Aedin]

Sorry I'm making another thread. This will be my last one for a while. I'm just seriously suicidal. I can't stop thinking about it, it's literally all I want. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I really want to make this post that will help people understand me, now and in the future, and for various reasons, people have felt I shouldn't make that post. But if I don't make that post, I'll have to leave thies site, and I'll lose the only thing I have that could be a support system, and I'll go through anxiety and panic attacks trying to find a new place. I Don't know. I Don't want to leave here, but if I don't make that post, I'll have to, and I'll be alone. I don't want to be alone.

[Fish and Chips]

Loneliness is one of the hardest things to endure there is. Humanity is social by design, so it is natural that we should want the company of others and that we should despair isolation and alienation.

However, we have to persevere. Suicide is never an option.

Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem. No matter how bad it is, no matter how dark, you can always improve, always fix your situation. Need new friends? Make new friends. Make them the same way everyone makes them. Talk to people, learn about people, and they'll learn about you.

There is no undo button on suicide. This is your life, don't throw it away over something like this.

[Okami]

Dearest Aedin, you've stepped into the territory of my calling with the first prayer post you made in this forum. It is for the broken that I am here, and it is the broken that my heart cries out to and loves. As of right now I don't have the means to help; I am only a student of psychology. My only means of help are to pray over your situation, and lavish my love, and ask you to reach out to professional help, which I know you've taken a step towards doing. If you're feeling committed to this, please, don't hesitate in calling a helpline (1-800-SUICIDE)

You are NOT ALONE. I was in helpless, hopeless, abandoned, rejected by those around me, exactly a week ago! I was set on suicide, but Christ gave me life! He renewed my strength when I went beyond myself and went towards working to focus on Him.

Please, Aedin, take the time to read Psalm 139. Read it with the mindset of how much God loves you! Also listen to Aaron Keyes' Not Guilty Anymore - he says in the song, "You are spotless//you are holy//you are faultless//you are whole//you are righteous//you are blameless//you are pardoned//you are Mine" He goes on to say in the chorus, "You're not broken anymore//you're not captive anymore." Christ is bigger than this. Lean on Him. He WILL take this away from you if you LET HIM. It took me three years, Aedin. I'm not saying tomorrow you'll wake up problem-free, but if you let Him take the reigns of your life and are obedient to Him in doing so, your burdens are going to ease.

I love you. And I mean it. Call that hotline if things get out of your hands. My inbox is open, vent away. God is here. He's here, and He is with you, and He is on your side. He loves you with a love so great that His precious thoughts about you outnumber all the grains of the sand. Trust Him. He is greater than the devil. The devil is only his minion, used for our testing to see if our hearts are truly trusting in Him. It's time to let go, and let God.

Disciple's Invisible is a good reminder.

[Sheenar]

You are not alone, friend. I've been there myself. Remember that there ARE people who love you and would be heartbroken if you did this. Things are never so bad that there is no hope --because we have Christ, He gives us hope to keep going. I know that He is the only reason I am alive --He is my only hope.
I'll be praying. Please don't do anything rash. Suicide is something you can only do once. And things won't stay bad forever, though it may seem that they will at times. Please do call the hotline Okami posted if these feelings persist. Even though we haven't talked in a while, I do care about you --as I'm sure many on this board do. Don't give up hope.

[Furen]

You aren't the only one here (or other places) that has felt that way in the past, you are important to us man. Don't give up (We'd lose you and that would just suck)

P.S. We don't dislike you posting, we just aren't sure if we are getting anywhere and that can seem frustrating, we love you all the same though!

[Aedin]

I have to work in eleven hours, so this has to be fast. First, to Sheenar, I have no way of taking myself out anyway, so there's not much I can do.

Second, I don't want to make my post just to fix things. I just know there's been a lot of misunderstandings, both on my part, and on the part of some CAA members. The post isn't to fix things, it's just to help people understand me, so misunderstandings happen less, while I try to take things in a not so hostile manner, to prevent misunderstandings on my part.

Furen, if I get to make my post, you'll understand more why that is.

Okami, I'll have to read your post again when I'm less tired, but thank you, I'll do what you say, and that's an interesting point about Satan. I never thought about it that way before.

And Fish, I don't mean to discount your post, cause you';re right. But people in my town, they're not interested in meeting new people, and if you show an interest in them, they think you're weird and creepy and avoid you.

[Yuki-Anne]

Aedin. I'm sorry if in that other thread I made you feel like you shouldn't try to let people understand you.

You are not alone. Say it to yourself right now. "I am not alone."

One thing I say to myself when I'm feeling desperately lonely is this: "I may feel lonely, but I'd be lying if I told myself I was alone."

Don't do it, Aedin. The devil's work is to kill, to maim, to destroy. Recognize this in your life: that the death and destruction and pain there is his work. And recognize also that God's work is life and love and healing.

One beautiful passage that has been a ray of hope to me in hard times is Lamentations 3:19-26. Lamentations is a very depressing book. It's five chapters about God's wrath and the consequences of centuries of rebellion in Israel. It's about destruction and tragedy. And yet, smackdab in the middle of all that, is this:

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope;
Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.
It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.



Then verses 31-32 say,

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.


These are the words of a man who has watched the destruction of his entire nation, because nobody would listen to him. These are the words of a man who was called to a ministry of rejection. Seriously, read up on Jeremiah some time. That man had a seriously rough life. And yet, right in the middle of all that, he writes these beautiful words about God's faithfulness and unfailing love.

Aedin, I want to encourage you to try to change the way you're thinking. I don't presume to know too much about what's going on in your head, but what if you tried something new? Grab a verse. Any verse that's been encouraging to you. Maybe verse 25: "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him."

Or Psalm 27:13-14
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Or Psalm 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

I highly recommend that last one.

Pick one.
Memorize it.
And every time you realize that you're thinking about how worthless you are, about how nobody is ever going to be there for you, about how it wouldn't matter to anybody if you just died, about how much you just want all the pain to end, EVERY TIME, say that verse to yourself. Say it aloud if you have to. Say it over and over and over again.

This is the only way I've found to fight a pattern of thinking that was destroying me from the inside out. This is Christian meditation. Think about that verse. Pick it apart and consider every word. Pray about it.

Because ultimately, there's a war going on inside you. Satan is after you, because all he wants is your destruction. He's playing for keeps. Fight him, Aedin. God is powerful and strong, and because you are His child, He is giving you power and strength to fight. In the midst of your weakness, He is giving you strength.

Paul talks about weakness in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Do you know why I think you should meditate on Scripture, Aedin?

I think it's no coincidence that you (by your own admission) struggle with both narcissism and depression. Your focus is on you. But meditating on Scripture puts your focus on Christ. Focusing on Christ is the only thing that will get you out of this destructive cycle.

I'll be praying for you.

[Aedin]

I'll try what you say. ANd when I get home from work, I'll read your post again. I have to go to work soon, so all I can say right now, is there's other people besides you who have said it's a bad idea to make that post. And I'm scared of trying things and failing, cause then I'll have less hope, ya know? I just feel like the world is stacked against me.

[Aedin]

Am I allowed to reply to this?

[Aedin]

I've had more restrictions placed on my account. Anyway, I wanted to say I'll try to follow your advice, and when I get home from work I'll read your post again. I just feel like the world is stacked against me, and I'm afraid of trying and failing. I know what you say about if someone's not willing to forgive me, then forget them, but I Don't want to let anything go, I don't want to forget anyone, I want to reconcile with as many people as I can. I don't think I'm allowed to PM any more though, and it says all my posts have to be reviewed by a moderator before they're allowed to be posted. Sure feels like I bothered and angered a lot of people and messed up a lot. I guess wanting to make that post was a mistake. There were just too many people to PM, that I wanted to reconcile with, and I wanted to make that post, so people, in general, could understand me more, to help prevent more misunderstandgins.

[Aedin]

I can't PM people, I can't look at anyone's profile, and all my posts have to be approved. I feel like a total screwup, and I really didn't mean to cause any problems. It's just hard to trust people, because a lot of people (here and other places) have claimed they care, that I can talk to them, but as soon as I try, things either go wrong, or they make it clear they don't want to listen. I'm sorry I made so many people not want to talk to me or PM me back so we can talk and work through stuff.

And what made me first notice this, is I can't access Ella Edric's profile. So if someone could, will you tell her I'm sorry.

[Okami]

I am in 100% agreement with Yuki's above post. ^^^

Also keep in mind Jesus' temptation. It is easy to ride off Jesus and say, 'Yeah, well He's God and all...' Yes, but He was also very much 100% human during His time on earth, preaching the Kingdom of God. And during His temptation and combating the devil, He used Scripture against him. Satan then tried to twist Scripture and throw it back at Him to get Jesus to fall, but Jesus was like, "No, get away from me."

Scripture is our means of fighting the devil. It is our sword, as Ephesians puts it. As the Psalmist puts it, we are to keep it hidden in our hearts. You have strength in Jesus, Aedin, Philippians is truthful in saying so. Focus on Him, and He will fight for you.

[Aedin]

I'm gonna try to read the Bible more.

I also wanted to take this time out to say wanting to be in a relationship is one of my greatest weaknesses, so I wanted to ta ke this time out to say how much I hate Emma Roberts, because I keep seeing a commercial for a movie she's in, and she's really beautiful, and it just reminds me how no girl I meet is gonna have a lasting interest in me. Dangit.

[Aedin]

Sorry I keep posting. I just don't see how anything will work out, and I feel so alone. I hate this all so much. My drugs aren't doing much to help me anymore, and I'm pretty sure my doctor won't up my dosage. I can't stop crying. I screwed up and now I can't even send PMs. I'm afraid to talk to new people, and I can't even go in the chat room, which doesn't matter anyway, because even if I could go in the chat room, I'd be too afraid to talk because I'd be too afraid of making people hate me. I hate myself so much.

[Kunoichi]

Praying hun.

[yukoxholic]

Praying for you! Just remember suicide is a permanent fix to temporary problems with time all of the many layers which make the issues you're dealing with will become easier to handle with the proper therapy and support (as well as medication if you decide to take it).

I know this sounds kind of weird especially when your thoughts of suicide are persistent and very much distressing to you but try and distract yourself. Watch a funny movie or read a comical book, listen to really happy and uplifting music, read Scripture, etc. Try to refocus your thoughts onto other things. If there is anyone whom you have as a support IRL call them up, see them, talk with them. If you do not have anyone then continue posting here. I'm pretty awful with Private messaging due to my schedule (just a heads up) but if you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message.

[Aedin]

I'm not allowed to make new threads, so sorry I'm bringing up such an old one.

I've had a lot of bad stuff happen this week, emotional stuff. Stuff that made my depression, ability to have hope, and my trust issues, like twice as bad as they were before. I feel like I'm going insane. And what hurts most, is the people who hurt me, it feels like they're always justifying it, like they don't even care that I'm upset or how they hurt me. I'm really really suicidal, and I'm thinking about checking myself into a hospital. I just don't see any hope anymore. Almost every Christian I get close to, ends up hurting me a ton, and everytime I try to talk th ings out, for us to fix things, and to help me heal, things just get worse. I've already accepted no girl will love me, so I've given up on relationships. But now it feels like I have to give up on friendships too. I want to die so badly. So many people I get close to, end up wanting to hate me, or they think I'm a horrible person, or they think I'm stupid and pathetic. The only things wrong with me, is a chemical imbalance, learning disorder, possibly some personality disorders, and years of abuse of many kinds. I don't get why I deserve to be hated for it. I'm so confused. And it hurts, because I loved these people, and I can't reach out to anyone else, because I'm too afraid they'll end up being the same as the people who hurt me.

[Okami]

Aedin, I'm going to tell you the words of one of my inspirations, a girl who at the time was in the midst of addiction and depression, self-injury, and was extremely suicidal. At the time, treatment centers were turning her away as they found fresh razor wounds on her arms. She could have chosen to simply give up, because all was hopeless, this was what the world was telling her. When a newfound friend asked her what she would say to people if she were to tell her story, she responded,

[SIZE="4"]"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars...The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." [/SIZE]

Whenever I find myself slipping, falling back into regrets, wanting to give all my hard work up and throw it all away, I remember her words. Renee Yohe chose to make a better life out of her bad situations. All way lost, and she threw that away and chose hope. She chose to trust that Jesus was stronger, and allowed the people around her to become the church in her need, the very body of Christ. Her story became the inspiration for the non-profit movement, To Write Love on Her Arms. With her story, they have reached out to millions, saved countless lives, stopped self-injury in countless lives.

Are you going to allow one bad week to shape your entire life? My cousin posted a status on facebook today that read, "When life knocks you down on your back, you're in a better position to look up." Look up, see the stars. Know that there is hope.

Right now, I'm in the same sort of circumstance with some of my closest relationships. It feels like, like you said, that they're justifying how they hurt me, and are unwilling to see the damage they've done, and help me correct it. It's almost like they don't care about our friendship, because they're so focused elsewhere. I've come to terms that this is simply my perception, that I don't know what's in their head.
Perhaps they want to fix the hurt and break the walls between us, too, but we're all so stubborn and awkward that any time we try to get our worlds to collide long enough to do this, we've missed our shot for the day. So it's going to take time to mend the wounds, and with that, we need to wait on God's timing, because in the meantime, He's going to strengthen us to bear with the burdens of today.

Don't give up, don't lose hope. Don't be discouraged because people seem to be turning away, because God's going to use that to stretch your spiritual muscles. Some of the Bible's well known people wanted to die... (Moses - Numbers 11:14, 15; Elijah - 1 Kings 19:4) That repetition is in the Bible to be a reminder to us, because we are often so forgetful that we are not alone.

Elijah was stuck on himself and his own problems (19:10, 14) and that's when God redirected his mission, and by verse 18, showed him that he was not alone in worshiping God, as he thought he was. (Note that this is some time right after going against the prophets of Baal in chapter 18, proving that the Lord is God) There were 7,000 others that had not bowed to Baal or had kissed him. With this, God was saying, "Hey, Elijah, get up, there is still work to be done!"

And He had said the same to Moses. In Moses' case, he felt all alone in being the 'caretaker' to the people of Israel. What God did for him after he asked God to kill him, was take seventy men and gather them together to have the Holy Spirit be put on them, and to help Moses bear the burden of the people so that Moses wouldn't have to bear it all alone.

The point is, when we feel all alone, we never are. When we cry out to God, He hears, and will place people in our path to show us that we are not alone.

I'll leave some lyrics for you to chew on. I just heard this song for the first time on Friday, and then had to go home and figure out who sang it, and then upon doing that, went out and bought the cd, having learned that the main intention for the record was to bear a message of encouragement. This is Mainstay's "Where Your Heart Belongs."

You lost yourself in finding out the wonders of the world will let you down
You gave yourself to those who never cared about your soul they only cared for their own
it seems everyone has left you
You’re not alone
I hear you call
And I‘ve been waiting here for you through it all
You’re not alone
Come to the cross
and let me show you where your heart belongs
You’ve been down the darkest roads and you know just how it feels to lose your hope
But don’t give up on everything when everyone has given up on you
and it feels like everyone has left you
I will never leave you
Come back to my open arms
To the only love you need

When it all feels crashing down, when it hurts, that's when God is working. Take encouragement, while you may not feel like anything good's coming from this, God will make Himself known through your pain. He works miraculously and mysteriously when we feel Him the least!

[Adie]

When it all feels crashing down, when it hurts, that's when God is working. Take encouragement, while you may not feel like anything good's coming from this, God will make Himself known through your pain. He works miraculously and mysteriously when we feel Him the least!

Very true. :)
Hang in there, Aedin; I'm praying for you. *hugs*

[Arya Raiin]

Aedin, I love you. I love you as my Christian friend, and I love you since I know what you're going through. I need you to hold on, because I do not want you to do yourself in. The pain becomes unbearable, but realize there is a reason that God made you. He doesn't make mistakes, and he loves all of us. He never forgets, and never stops loving. He wants you to open up your heart! Pour out your sorrow and pain! All of it! Don't let it stay in you! Empty yourself of the pain and breath the life he wants for you Aedin! See how I and others love you! See how much we care! If I didn't care about you Aedin I wouldn't have even begun typing this! None of us would! It's because we LOVE you Aedin that we're doing this! It's because we really care about you and want you to become what God has called for you to be! If you go on living for nothing else Aedin, do it for the fact that God wants you to live! Do it for the fact that God wants you to spread His word for the rest of your life! Follow His light! When you get it don't let go! Please Aedin! For the sake that I care about you! Live! We love you Aedin! God loves you! You do have purpose and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! It's not for them to say! It's for God to say! He says in his word he loves all of us and has created us with purpose! Do not be afraid to tell us your heart! We want to take your burden!

[samurai10]

hey there Aedin, I'm Rose, and i'm kinda new.

Aedin, even though i'm new, i can see how much you hurt. i've been in contact with people who are suicidal, and read many things about it. there was even a time when I myself was suicidal.

I CARE about people. My heart just went out to you when i was reading these posts. There's seems to be people around here who care about you also. Even though i've never talked to you before, i want to. i want to talk to you, let you burden your burdens on me. when people burden me with these things, i do my best to help. hey, i might not be very good at it. but i'm pretty sure i'll be a heck of a lot better than those people who hurt you.

i've had serious depression before, even though i'm not very old. i really do know what you're going through. yeah, maybe you can be annoying to people sometimes. but since i know what you're going through right now, i really think you can't be annoying.

this post is kinda abrupt....but i hope this helps!

[armeck]

i don't ever recall talking to you, but i do hope you keep making posts here (if you catch my drift) i'll be sure and pray for you! God can get you through anything and everything you are going through, and he never allows you to go through to much

[Aedin]

It's been a long time. I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone. I'm just severely suicidal tonight. I actually have a plan, I know exactly what I'm gonna do. And it terrifies me, because I can't think of any reason not to do it. Everyone who gets close to me, gets sick of me, or leaves without a word, or hates me. I'm scared of meeting new people, cause I'm scared they'll hate me too. One ex-best friend, is leaving, and won't talk about it, and I don't know why. Everyone I've met in person, either isn't a good friend (like one person I know, I've texted and called a couple times, now it's been like, two weeks at least, with no response frfom him) or hates me. I feel like everyone hates me. I have a learning disorder and chemical imbalance, and years of abuse, and I've met lots of Christians on other sites who didn't like me, or hated me, because of that. I keep praying, reading the Bible, reading books about prayer and connecting with God, all that, and he still feels as distant and silent as ever. So not only am I afraid to meet Christians and other people cause I'm scared of rejection and abandonment, no matter what I do, the "one who is always there" always feels distant and silent. So I feel totally alone. I don't get why he won't talk to me, why he won't help me. I don't get why so many people seem to hate me because of problems I never asked for or wanted, problems I'm doing my best to fix, but that just seem to not go away no matter what I do. I feel so lost and confused and hopeless. I want to say I'd like to make friends here and find people to talk to, but I'm afraid everyone will decide I'm hopeless or decide not to talk to me anymore, especially cause I've had issues in the past. I don't know what else to do.

I feel so pathetic telling people.

[Okami]

It's good to hear from you! I'm glad you've stuck through it so far, that shows that you're fighting, that you're leaning on God's strength even if just a tiny bit. Keep doing what you're doing, it is making a difference. When we focus on God, we begin to see how small our problems really are - He is that big!

If all else fails, re-consider the helpline I've posted previously in this thread.

[Psycho Molos]

man now I feel kinda bad with my very weird sense of humor elsewhere on here....

Anyway I've been there before too. I've done what I think has been termed pseudo-suicide before...I either make threats or the few times I attempted I do a way that would be easily backed out of...which I won't go into....

Like others have said you're not alone

[Aedin]

I just looked on wikipedia, and apparently the only way I had of pulling it off, wouldn't have worked anyway. Now part of me feels worse because I know there's no way out. I'm also scared people on this site will distance themselves from me more because of this. I've had two people say they didn't want to talk to me anymore (one of them I never even talked to) and others, who I can't honestly tell if they want to help me or not. I'm scared everyone will hate me and ignore me or distance themselves.

[Psycho Molos]

Now why would that happen? I would talk to u

[goldenspines]

Hey, just posting to say that I'm still reading and keeping up with your posts.

Though, I don't often post replies because I usually don't know what exactly to say that would/could help you. I'm not very good at giving advice (online or in real life) and I don't want to ramble on about something that might not apply to you. But, I can and will listen to your struggles and pray for you.
Not sure if that's what you want, but it's all I got. ._.;

Regardless, it's good to hear from you, Aedin. Hope you have a good rest of the week. ^_^

[Kunoichi]

Aedin,

You know I've been here on being suicidal, and nearly been successful if it wasn't for other people finding me an saving me. You know my own past. I'm praying for you. There are ways out of your pain, suicide or suicidal attempts only cause you more pain. There are ways to protect yourself too even while in abuse. I don't really have advice on this and I don't think advice would really help anyways. Never did for me at least. I know that I just wanted the pain to stop, rather than to die. The times I did want to die, I just tried and didn't say a thing to anyone. So the fact you are reaching out is actually a positive sign in my experience.

I don't hate you, despise you or even dislike you. I don't always respond but I do read your posts. Glad you are still reaching out and for those that are distancing themselves, they may be doing so because they are trying to use self care on themselves. It still hurts when its done, but i don't think its *always* malicious intent.

In any case praying for you still. I have always felt and still do, that you have the intelligence, strength and courage to make it through this.

Kunoichi

[ABlipinTime]

[quote="goldenspines (post: 1435221)"]Hey, just posting to say that I'm still reading and keeping up with your posts.

Though, I don't often post replies because I usually don't know what exactly to say that would/could help you. I'm not very good at giving advice (online or in real life) and I don't want to ramble on about something that might not apply to you. But, I can and will listen to your struggles and pray for you.
Not sure if that's what you want, but it's all I got. ._.]

Same goes for me too.

We're here for ya, Aedin. I'll keep praying for you. Try to think about God often!! He loves you!!