Girls-HELP! how to get rid of a 'stalker'

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Girls-HELP! how to get rid of a 'stalker'

Postby airichan623 » Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:45 am

Not in the scary way.

So a guy at my school and on my knowledge bowl team has always been overly nice to me and complimenting my every move. I would hacve stopped it, but since those kinds of compliments are hard tocome by, I couldnt resist basking in it. He followed my friend and I around on our school trip last year. I thought he was lonely [he's ur typical no-one-wants-to-date type band nerd- I usually like band nerds, but not this one], but it seems i was the only one that didnt notce he had an obvious crush on me. then last year he asked me out- i said no way. He still compliments my clothes, which makes me want to go wear a nun habit. Now yesterday he sends me a facebook message about how he thinks I'm very beautiful and stuff. He's a great Christian guy and all, but I DONT LIKE HIM THAT MUCH OR THAT WAY!!! Avoiding him is pretty much impossible- we have classes together, im in color guard hes in marching band, knowledge bowl. He's too creepy for me- he also 'creeps' on my sister too. He creeps on a lot of people actually. So, how do I nicely tell the guy that I'm not interested and to leave me alone???? Please help a girl in need. :)
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Postby Lynna » Tue Aug 24, 2010 11:37 am

well, I guess , to tell him nicely to go away, you could say something like "Listen, I'm really sorry if I've disappointed you, but I really am not going to date you, so can you please leave me alone?" really firmly to make him realize that you mean it.
or, you can forget being nice and just tell him straight out that you think he's being really creepy and that nothing he does will make you want to go out with him, so he'd better forget it now.
Whatever way, though, The only Advice I can really give to you is that you need to make how you feel clear to him, because otherwise he'll probably think "I still have hope left! if I keep annoying her, sooner or later she's going to give in"
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Postby Tsukuyomi » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:02 pm

I would say something like,"I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now.", but still that may give him hope for later... How about,"I'm sorry, but I just don't like you that way.." Just be honest with him and I'm sure he'll understand. Maybe, you can become good friends!

If that doesn't work, then you can always pretend you have a boyfriend...
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Postby Gelka » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:07 pm

I'd say something like what Tsuki said. That your 'not looking for a relationship right now'.
Or you could tell him that your currently interested in someone else? xD
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Postby Radical Dreamer » Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:24 pm

Definitely make it clear that the way he's treating you is the opposite of attractive. XD Tell him that you're sorry, but you don't see him that way and you aren't going to be interested in a relationship with him beyond friendship. Ever. XD Be firm if you have to, without being mean. Some creepers just do not get it (clearly this one is having a hard time comprehending that you don't like him XD), so be sure not to be too "friendly" or send him any of the wrong signals. XD Good luck!
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Postby Atria35 » Tue Aug 24, 2010 2:20 pm

^ What Rad Dreamer said. Being clear and concise that you aren't interested is the way to go- otherwise he'll try to convince you that you are looking for a relationship...with him.
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Postby Kunoichi » Tue Aug 24, 2010 2:25 pm

I agree with the above. This is my paranoid self, but if asking doesn't help, I tell family and friends about the situation. Keep someone around me if possible. I happen to keep non lethal weapons on me so...yeah this IS sounding a bit more paranoid -_-

In any case, I agree with the above :)
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Postby Etoh*the*Greato » Tue Aug 24, 2010 2:58 pm

Violence is a pretty good option. Threat of violence works well too! My best buddy growing up found an interesting way to deal with people stalking his sister. See, one kid was harrassing his lil sis so he showed up on the school's campus one day and waited by the punk's car. When the guy came to drive off my friend sat on the driver's door and engaged him in a lil chat. The guy started trying to threaten my friend and puff himself up like a lil snot but while he was threatning my friend, my friend proceeded to draw out a lighter and ignite his arm on fire which had previously been soaked in some flamatory substance. While my friend talked to the guy he calmly watched his arm burn, then topped off the conversation by saying "You know... There is nothing you can do to hurt me."

The guy never came back.
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Postby Ante Bellum » Tue Aug 24, 2010 3:18 pm

While that's pretty awesome, I don't think that would work...

Anyways, yeah, don't act friendly. Be right to the point and make sure you don't say anything that can be misinterpreted. The last thing you'd want is for him to increase his efforts.
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Postby Dr.Faust » Tue Aug 24, 2010 3:57 pm

Be stright forward with him. Don't be friendly but don't be mean just stright forward
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Postby Htom Sirveaux » Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:28 pm

Slap him.
No, really. Straight-up let him have it.
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Postby airichan623 » Tue Aug 24, 2010 9:56 pm

Tsukuyomi (post: 1419404) wrote:I would say something like,"I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now.", but still that may give him hope for later... How about,"I'm sorry, but I just don't like you that way.." Just be honest with him and I'm sure he'll understand. Maybe, you can become good friends!

If that doesn't work, then you can always pretend you have a boyfriend...


Unfortunately, I used that excuse the last time he asked me out last year, since I was recently out of a relationship. It unfortuneately may have given him the idea to ask again. *facepalm* I also talked to another friend who is in the marching band- turns out they sorta went out for a while, but he wanted more 'physical' relationship (whether this is kissing hugging or worse who knows, this girl isnt the type to do any of it). Even bigger turn-off.


If, worse comes to worse, I'll use the violence option. I;m good at that. :lol::hits_self

And I'd pretend I have a boyfriend, except 1 prob: when u go to a small Christian school, you say it to one person and by lunch everyone wants to know and thus I have 0 chance for a date to homecoming.

She's gonna talk to him soon so we'll see if that changes things....
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Postby ShiroiHikari » Tue Aug 24, 2010 10:46 pm

Um...how are these things that he's doing bad, exactly? I think I missed something. Sounds to me like he just has a crush on you and is possibly a little awkward. I wouldn't be so quick to call guys creepy because they're interested in you. And wanting physical relationships is a normal human thing. Also if you're worried about getting a Homecoming date but you're turning down someone who would be happy to go with you, well, that just doesn't follow.
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Postby Yuki-Anne » Tue Aug 24, 2010 11:37 pm

I have had similar situations before (in fact, this seems to be all that ever happens to me in the dating department these days), and depending on the situation, I was either firm but gentle, or firm and not at all gentle. My policy: start with firm but gentle, and if that isn't enough, break out the big guns and get right down to being painfully blunt. EDIT: And by painfully blunt I mean... jeez, I don't know what I mean. I guess in my book "painfully blunt" means the same thing as firm but slightly less gentle. Don't be mean to the poor fellow, and I am in agreement with ShiroiHikari when she said that you shouldn't call him a stalker just for liking you (or something like that). In fact, I don't even know why I'm posting, because I think I'm saying the same thing as everybody else except I apparently sound much meaner when I say it.

My guy friends told me that in situations like this, don't spare his feelings, because he'll take gentleness as a sign of hope. EDIT: And by don't spare his feelings, I think they meant, don't be so afraid of hurting him that you end up leading him on. I don't know, they said it, not me. And they were guys. So I thought maybe they had an idea of what they were talking about.
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Postby Nate » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:00 am

Yeah, don't let him have hope! Eliminate all remnants of hope in his mind and soul! You have to completely and utterly destroy him emotionally! I'm sure it won't cause him to feel resentful towards women and then turn him into a violent jerk because he feels women are all stone-cold witches! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER.

EDIT: I am half-asleep so I am aware I am being heavy on sarcasm but seriously since when was "ignore a person's feelings and force them to abandon hope and love" ever a good idea? You can tell him in no uncertain terms that he doesn't have a chance with you without being rude.

I dunno whatever I don't even have any good advice anyway.
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Postby ScalpelFactory » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:31 am

Etoh*the*Greato (post: 1419446) wrote:Violence is a pretty good option. Threat of violence works well too! My best buddy growing up found an interesting way to deal with people stalking his sister. See, one kid was harrassing his lil sis so he showed up on the school's campus one day and waited by the punk's car. When the guy came to drive off my friend sat on the driver's door and engaged him in a lil chat. The guy started trying to threaten my friend and puff himself up like a lil snot but while he was threatning my friend, my friend proceeded to draw out a lighter and ignite his arm on fire which had previously been soaked in some flamatory substance. While my friend talked to the guy he calmly watched his arm burn, then topped off the conversation by saying "You know... There is nothing you can do to hurt me."

The guy never came back.


This story made my day. So much.

In other news, be kind yet firm. It seems on the surface that nothing he's doing is bad [complimenting you, being nice and paying attention to you, etc.], but don't let that keep you from doing anything about it. You should feel more comfortable and let him know that what he's doing is nice, but unnecessary and definitely unfruitful now or in the future.

If you let this go on, it could worm its way in and change your mind. You don't want that to happen [this has happened to me and it is NO fun to have to fix], so just make it clear on no uncertain terms that he shouldn't be so clingy and obsessed with you.
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Postby ShiroiHikari » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:50 am

If you let this go on, it could worm its way in and change your mind. You don't want that to happen [this has happened to me and it is NO fun to have to fix], so just make it clear on no uncertain terms that he shouldn't be so clingy and obsessed with you.


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Yeah, because giving someone a chance and spending time with them might lead to hitting it off, and that might lead to affection. Can't have that.
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Postby Yuki-Anne » Wed Aug 25, 2010 1:28 am

Nate (post: 1419542) wrote:Yeah, don't let him have hope! Eliminate all remnants of hope in his mind and soul! You have to completely and utterly destroy him emotionally! I'm sure it won't cause him to feel resentful towards women and then turn him into a violent jerk because he feels women are all stone-cold witches! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER.

EDIT: I am half-asleep so I am aware I am being heavy on sarcasm but seriously since when was "ignore a person's feelings and force them to abandon hope and love" ever a good idea? You can tell him in no uncertain terms that he doesn't have a chance with you without being rude.

I dunno whatever I don't even have any good advice anyway.


I think it's more cruel to let someone's feelings keep growing deeper when you have no intention of returning them.

Besides, ending someone's hope that one particular person will date them does not mean the end of all hope and love ever go hide in a cave and never come out you creeper. It just means that you're letting them know they're wasting their time and emotional energy on you (EDIT: though not in so many words). Granted, rejection is an emotionally draining and painful thing with which I have loads of experience, and the bottom line is, it sucks. But rejection was always less painful the less time I had wasted liking a person.

It may not be the best policy to tell someone that they are really creepy and nobody wants to date them, though. I'm not saying that's a good idea.

But then again, all my hope and love ended a long time ago when I replaced the part of my brain responsible for emotion with a 0.38 semi-automatic. I hide the nozzle under my nun habit.
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Postby Nate » Wed Aug 25, 2010 2:16 am

I don't think "being nice" equates to "letting someone's feelings grow deeper." That's just me though I guess. As I said, you can let someone know you have no interest in them without being purposely hurtful. And yes, I do think you were advocating being purposely hurtful, when you say things like "start with firm but gentle, and if that isn't enough, break out the big guns and get right down to being painfully blunt" and "don't spare his feelings, because he'll take gentleness as a sign of hope."

There's no need for that; there really isn't. "Don't spare his feelings?" When is this ever good advice? "Be painfully blunt?" You can be blunt without being painful. I can't find any justification for hurting him. I'm speaking as a guy who's been the target of lots of rejection. I'm speaking as a guy who literally knows nothing BUT rejection (okay except for that one time but that doesn't count). Trust me, you can be nice in turning a guy down and not be hurtful. I know, because a girl I had a thing for and told her about it DID JUST THAT. She told me it couldn't be, and was very polite and kind about it and friendly, and she treated me nicely! How novel!

Trust me, if you tell a guy you're not interested and he continues, then you are faced with one of two possibilities. One, you weren't clear. This doesn't mean to turn hurtful or mean or painful, it means you suck at communicating. It's YOUR fault. Or, two. He is a crazy psycho and that means he isn't going to get the message even if you ARE hurtful. It's HIS fault and you literally cannot do anything to stop it because he is crazy. When a person is insane you cannot make the situation better by being hurtful to him. In fact, you might make it worse!
Besides, ending someone's hope that one particular person will date them does not mean the end of all hope and love ever go hide in a cave and never come out you creeper. It just means that you're letting them know they're wasting their time and emotional energy on you.

Guys think differently than girls, I believe. See, speaking as a dude, I can say that it isn't "one particular person will not date you," it really does literally feel like "the entirety of womankind will not date you." Also, nobody likes being told that they're wasting their time or energy. In addition to being not a very good way to make friends.

Especially since hate begets hate. You act mean or hurtful to some guy, it comes back. That guy then goes to all his friends and talks crap about you behind your back. Then those guys talk to other people, start spreading rumors, and next thing you know you have a reputation as a witch with a capital b. Then maybe some guy you like acts the same way to you. But oh, THEN it's different, then you come here and cry and talk about how some guy hurt your feelings and he didn't have to be so MEAN about it!

Isn't the golden rule to treat others how you want to be treated? Sounds like pretty good advice to me.
But rejection was always less painful the less time I had wasted liking a person.

Y'know rejection is always painful to me no matter how much time I liked a person so the idea that you are somehow making it "less" painful by telling them to slag off quickly is kind of a nonsensical notion to me. But whatever.

Also I don't like this idea of "If I don't like you within x amount of time then I will let you know that I will never have any interest in you for the rest of time." That's silly to me, you don't know what God has in store for you, you don't know where life will take you, how can you be so arrogant as to assume you will never have feelings for a person ever for the rest of eternity? You can say "I don't foresee myself ever having romantic feelings for this person" but I mean you still don't know.

I mean seriously saying something like "The less time this person spends liking me the better" or even "The less time I spend liking this person the better" just seems...robotic. Void of emotion or feeling.

I am probably not being completely coherent but I don't know. I just feel like there really...I mean seriously how are we supposed to love our neighbor like ourself if our advice to someone is "Yeah hit him, destroy all his hope and love, make sure you hurt him bad!" It just seems contradictory...like I landed in Bizarro World or something.
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Postby Yuki-Anne » Wed Aug 25, 2010 3:10 am

Wow. You've gathered inferences and made implications about my personality which I find incredibly disturbing. When you put it that way, yes, I do sound like a stone cold you-know-what. You make it sound like what I'm advocating is the utter destruction of a person, and then the utter stomping on the ashes of the person I just destroyed. That would be heinous indeed.

I actually agree with most of what you said. There is no call for being unnecessarily rude or mean. I think maybe I should have been more careful with my words. My (obviously awfully chosen) words exaggerated my meaning, and your understanding exaggerated my words (and some of what you said that kind of came out of the the blue makes me wonder if somehow I'm reminding you of somebody you intensely disliked?), and now it sounds like I'm Maleficent or something. Although it would be fairly cool if I could turn into a dragon. And I would love having oboes following me around with a creepy ditty everywhere I go. But I digress.

It's just that I had this experience where I let a guy down nicely, and he kept on harboring those feelings for a long time, and then brought them back out. I had to be "painfully blunt," as I guess I unfortunately put it.

But in a situation like that where somebody really likes you, and you have no feelings for them at all, there's really no way not to hurt that person. You can let them go on liking you, in which case they just spend more time thinking about you when it would really be in their best interests to move on, and the situation just gets increasingly awkward, or you can tell them firmly, "No, really. I'm serious: there's nothing there. Please stop." That is what I mean by "painfully blunt": because either way, the situation is going to be painful for them. There is no way I can see in this situation to spare their feelings, because you don't share them. No matter how much cushioning you give the truth, they're still getting punched in the gut with an iron fist, and there's nothing you can do about that.

I mean seriously saying something like "The less time this person spends liking me the better" or even "The less time I spend liking this person the better" just seems...robotic. Void of emotion or feeling.


Maybe for some people (namely, me), sometimes shutting it all down before it gets too deep hurts less. It's a coping mechanism, and I realize that not everyone is capable of doing that. I mean, it's not like I shut all my emotions off like a switch. But I try to distract myself, tell myself he's not interested, and focus my attention on less painful things, like piano-playing, macrame, drawing, heartbreaking, kitten eating, puppy punching, and stealing candy from babies. Okay, just kidding. Not macrame. Anyway, I don't know if it's a good thing or not to give up so fast, but I don't get hurt as deeply as I used to. I guess that makes me less human.

I kind of wish some guys had told me the truth before I embarrassed myself any further. Some guys never said anything, and just acted awkward or talked to other people about it until I figured it out for myself. Those experiences were the most painful for me. But I acknowledge that not everyone is the same, and for some people, the truth may be more painful than the utter humiliation of realizing you made a fool of yourself and nobody was loving enough to tell you. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way about it as I do, but, as you yourself said,
treat others how you want to be treated


I'd rather have the truth from someone than be allowed to continue in false hope. And if I'm displaying a pattern of behavior that actually drives people away, I would want someone to tell me so that I can stop. It's happened before, and it's painful and embarrassing, but I am grateful to those people who were brutally honest with me, because they have made it so that I can avoid getting stuck in the same painful situations over and over again.

As someone who has also experienced a lot of rejection, I can honestly say that no matter how nicely a guy lets me down (or does nothing whatsoever but clearly doesn't like me), it still hurts a lot. It sounds like it feels pretty much the same to guys and to girls. For girls (or at least, for me) it goes a little something like this: this guy won't date me = no guy will ever want me, I must be some kind of ugly, what's wrong with me, am I that unappealing, what did I do wrong, how much weight do I need to lose, maybe if I looked like what's-her-face, was it something I said, ugh I'm such an idiot, how could I possibly even think somebody like that would ever fall for somebody like me, etc. You get the picture.

This person I had this situation with was a good friend of mine, and the first time, I told him as nicely as I could, but I also told him firmly. I know I communicated clearly, and I know he's not a psycho. But for some reason (that reason being that he's incredibly loyal and incredibly stubborn, a combination which is both admirable and frustrating) he decided to keep cherishing those feelings, and then broached the subject again at one of the worst possible moments. It was a huge mess, and it made me feel incredibly sad, because he had in the past been one of my closest friends, and I hated that I was causing him pain.

I didn't know what to say for the longest time, so I asked advice from people I trusted, and their advice was not to spare his feelings. By that they meant that I should tell him the truth instead of dancing around it and hoping that his feelings would go away (since clearly, they weren't). Some of them told me to be downright mean, but what does that even entail? I'm not sure, but I think whatever it is, it may be what you think I was advising airichan623 to do. Clearly, I do suck at communicating sometimes, and I shall work to better myself at being more specific in the future. But this was my problem then, and apparently still is a problem: How do you even deal with a situation like this? Anything you do is going to hurt the person. So I had to tell him, "I'm sorry, but no. Please move on." It was one of the worst conversations of my life, and it was what I consider to be "painfully blunt." If that makes me "a witch with a capital b", I'm sorry, but what could I have done? I didn't want his attentions, and I didn't want him to keep on hoping for however longer when I'm fairly certain nothing will ever happen.

But maybe my idea of mean and your idea of mean are different... I think you are right about a lot of what you said. But I also think it's not fair or kind to encourage feelings that you don't share, and really don't think you will share for the foreseeable future. I mean, who knows? God does have plans for people that they don't understand and all that, but if you know God is calling you to (if you'll allow me to use an extremely thinly veiled self-referential example) go be a missionary in Japan, and their desires and passions and calling lie in a different direction, one in which you have almost no interest, how can you encourage them to keep those feelings for you for the next x amount of years while you go off to another country, when you really have no intention of following through when you return? But perhaps I am making a leap of logic that lack of rejection = encouragement. However, in my experience that seemed to be the case. With my friend, my inaction was likely to lead to further undesirable pursuit.

Okay, sorry, this is getting way off topic. That being said, Nate, I think you're right about a lot of things, and I think I communicated poorly, and that my words communicated a meaning much harsher than I would really use, or have used in the past. But I'm not a monster, and it makes me sad that you seem to have inferred that I am from my words (at least, that's what I inferred from your words). So I'm going to go edit my old posts now because apparently rather than the intended meaning, my words conveyed that I am a massive meanieface.
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Postby Kunoichi » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:42 am

In any case, I think that ari you will know what you should do ultimately. Unfortunately, it is easy I think to be a bit jumpy given today's society. At least I know it is for me. That being said, I've had some things happen in my past that I tend to suspect everyone until I really get to know them.

Something that has worked for me in the past and honestly has helped me "weed out" those who truly want a friendship with me or relationship with me rather than just a romantic relationship (if that makes sense), was to tell them I was not interested in dating but I would be willing to start a friendship. Of course this is if you are willing to have a friendship. I've had a lot of instances where the person stopped showing interest in me or tried friendship, but realized that that was just not the type of relationship they were willing to work for. We can't know the person's state of mind and sometimes behaviors can be really confusing and in this case, a little scary.

Edit: Recently actually, I had/have a friend (not quite sure where we stand on that at the moment), who came out bluntly that he loved me. I asked him to explain more of what he meant and he said he loved me and would do anything for me. I kind of let it go as I understood friendship can go that deep and I myself have said it to friends (whether this is a error or not). Then his behavior became more uncomfortable for me. He would kiss me on my cheek. When he did this the first time, I explained that I was not comfortable with that behavior and that I understood that a lot of people may actually be comfortable with that behavior. He said he understood. Next time I saw him, he did so again. I repeated myself, saying that I was not comfortable and to please not do that unless I say specifically that it's okay. Again he said he understood. Well he did so again while I was with my friends. I had to speak to him privately that I was feeling like my boundaries were violated and that I did not feel I could hang out with him if he was not going to respect my wishes. (this being said, I never raised my voice, called him names or anything of the like).

I guess I tell this story to make a point that I think you can express what you feel your boundaries are (even if they are different from other's boundaries) while, as others have said, be kind, gentle and nice.

In the end, I think it is wise to tell him what you are feeling (even if that means you feel a little uncomfortable with his behavior, which in my opinion isn't necessarily mean), and that you need to start any relationship (friendship or otherwise) with a base so to speak. I don't know if this makes sense but I was just thinking on this myself which is why I posted again.

Good luck! :)
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Postby SnoringFrog » Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:45 am

I've only skimmed replies, so sorry if all I do is rehash, but I'm trying to give what I would want in that guy's situation. Keep in mind though, I'm one to get over things quickly and take hard news fairly well.

I would just want a straight up, no ambiguity kind of answer. "I appreciate the comments, but I am NOT interested in you and won't be, so please leave me alone."

I wouldn't say "and won't be any time soon" though, as he could easily cling to that as hope, and you might not even want to mention appreciating the comments, as that would leave him open to continue there. Maybe "I appreciated the comments at first, but now they're kind of annoying/creepy/(whatever you want to call them)". I'd even consider tacking on a "you're coming across as creepy/stalkerish to me and my friends, and probably other girls, so all you're doing by trying for me is hurting your chances with every other girl here as well".

In situations like this, I tend to quote Relient K:
" wrote:Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
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Postby ShiroiHikari » Wed Aug 25, 2010 11:48 am

Yuki-Anne, I feel like I should apologize to you for jumping all over your post. I wasn't so much mad at what YOU said, but...some of the other sentiments expressed in the thread were bothering me and I lashed out. No hard feelings?

For clarity's sake, I agree with everything Nate said. In situations such as this, we should do as best we can to handle things in a loving manner. You never know; you might actually be able to shine a little bit of Christ on someone's life by doing so. (Admittedly, I failed at that in this thread last night, and I apologize.)
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Postby Nate » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:16 pm

Man if screwing things up was a job I would be president of the company.
Yuki-Anne wrote:Wow. You've gathered inferences and made implications about my personality which I find incredibly disturbing.

Well, it was more of the entire thread...it just happened that you were the last one to post so I more or less quoted your post instead of quoting everyone's.
I actually agree with most of what you said. There is no call for being unnecessarily rude or mean.

Yeah see that's what I'm saying. Unfortunately a lot of others don't seem to agree. Telling a girl she's pretty, hanging out with her, these don't seem creepy or stalkerish to me. Now granted, he may be doing other things that airi didn't mention and I don't know about, so I'm not saying she's falsely accusing the guy. I'm just saying he seems like a decent guy who's maybe a bit socially awkward, but he's trying to be friendly. So advice saying "Tell him he's being creepy or a stalker" just seems mean. Then he's going to get the idea "If you ever compliment a girl at any moment you are immediately a disgusting gross pervert" and then he lives a miserable life alone and ashamed of himself.

I speak from personal experience on that one.
It's just that I had this experience where I let a guy down nicely, and he kept on harboring those feelings for a long time, and then brought them back out. I had to be "painfully blunt," as I guess I unfortunately put it.

I'm sorry, because I don't want to accuse you of being a not nice person, but yeah, that does seem a little uncalled for. I know to you it doesn't. I completely understand this. However, I just don't feel it's not right to tell a person "I will never have a relationship with you ever for the rest of eternity" because it just seems overly mean.

Now okay, there ARE situations where it might be appropriate. Like if the dude is like 45 and you are 15, it would be totally and completely justified to say "No I will never date you you are 30 years older than me leave me alone and take a seat over there." But okay, here's an example. When my mom and dad met, my dad was dating my mom's best friend. My mom HATED my dad at the time. Couldn't stand him. Thought he was a pot-smoking no-good hippie with his long hair and his beard and his rock music and whatnot. So, again, really did not like him at all.

But, eventually, after a couple of years, she changed her mind about him, and they started dating, and well...I'm here aren't I? So obviously despite the fact that my mom hated my dad totally at first, they ended up getting married and having one of the strongest, most loving marriages I've ever known.

Now, does this always happen? No, of course not. No one should ever assume "This person hates me now but in a couple of years they'll change their mind!" It isn't common. But it DOES happen. And if my mom had told my dad "No I will never be interested in you ever until the end of time," I might not be here writing this post. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know. But I don't like the idea of telling someone "never" under any circumstance unless yeah there is some sort of extenuating circumstances (or he is genuinely a creepy stalker dude).
No matter how much cushioning you give the truth, they're still getting punched in the gut with an iron fist, and there's nothing you can do about that.

I agree that it hurts no matter what (I am personal expert on this again) but I don't think there's any need to pour gasoline on the fire I guess (this is maybe not the right analogy I'm looking for? I am unsure). There's no need to make it worse, in other words. Saying "You are a creep/stalker" is one way to make it worse unless he's genuinely acting like one]Anyway, I don't know if it's a good thing or not to give up so fast, but I don't get hurt as deeply as I used to. I guess that makes me less human. [/QUOTE]
I could respond to this and say "Yeah because pain is an important part of being alive" but that'd be really hypocritical of me because I try to avoid pain also and would be forced to look at what I wrote and say "Come on, you act the same way as her just in different situations."
I'd rather have the truth from someone than be allowed to continue in false hope. And if I'm displaying a pattern of behavior that actually drives people away, I would want someone to tell me so that I can stop.

Well, everyone is different I suppose. I guess I can't tell someone they shouldn't feel a certain way about things because everyone is different. Everyone has different personalities. I am the kind of person who thinks hey, life is crazy. Really wild things happen. I can't say definitively that a person has zero chance with another person. I don't even know what is going to happen tomorrow. I could be walking out to my car and a meteorite lands on me and kills me instantly. I can't say definitively that it won't happen. And as in the case of my parents, I can't say definitively that this person who intensely dislikes this person won't end up marrying them.

Again, common? No. And I definitely agree that you shouldn't give the person false hope. But I think my definition of false hope is different from yours. You seem to think (and a lot of people in this thread, don't want you to feel like I'm singling you out) that even saying something like "I don't want to be in a relationship right now for personal reasons" is false hope because they might go "Well not right now but later I can try again!"

Which, again, I don't think is false hope. Why would it be? Again, though, I am the guy who says that fate is a funny thing and who knows what will happen. If you disagree with that, I can see how you would think it is false hope. But this is a matter of difference in worldview and opinion so I really cannot fault anyone for thinking that way, though I will say I disagree with it.

However I do completely agree with the statement that if you are doing something that would drive a person away, that you wish someone would tell you. Because I think that is an important thing to know.
but if you know God is calling you to (if you'll allow me to use an extremely thinly veiled self-referential example) go be a missionary in Japan

This may sound sarcastic, or mean, or snarky, and I don't mean it that way. I am saying this genuinely, and without any ironic or unintended meaning. But I am horribly jealous of you. I've never known what God was ever calling me to do, and still don't, and wonder what it's like to know with absolute certainty what God is telling you to do. It certainly seems a lot easier than living life with anxiety and uncertainty and not knowing what to do. :\

I've often wondered if the people who know with certainty what God is telling them to do are better than me or something. I mean why else would God tell them and not me? But, that's way off-topic, so I digress.
But perhaps I am making a leap of logic that lack of rejection = encouragement.

I feel this way and I realize that in your situation that happened to be true (from your point of view), but still think that this is not always necessarily the case. Can it be? Yeah I guess, I dunno. I think this post is too long and I think we've at this point more or less going to have to just leave it at the fact that we disagree, and I don't think either one of us is going to sway the other one to our line of thinking. And for me to keep droning on and on and being boring and derailing this thread would not be cool. I would have PM'd this to avoid taking this thread further away from airi's intent, but I did say some things that I thought other people should read (like telling a dude he is creepy is kind of not cool unless he's doing something overly wrong).

So yep. Now to do something I can't hurt people with. Eat.
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Postby Ante Bellum » Wed Aug 25, 2010 2:09 pm

Eeeehhh...Now I feel subhuman. I thought a less gentle, more straightforward approach would be best...Now I remember that people have emotions. o_o;
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Postby Sheenar » Wed Aug 25, 2010 2:54 pm

Just be honest and straight-up with him. Speak the truth in love. Tell him he's a great guy, but you are not interested in a relationship at this point in time, but would like to remain friends.

Not that I have much experience in this area. I've only been asked out once ever --and that was in 8th grade...so that may not really count?

I did have an experience with a real creeper/stalker in college --he kept calling my dorm phone and asking me to meet him at his room. It was awfully creepy/scary. I, of course, never did as he asked (that would be dumb), but told him that if he wanted to meet with me so bad, he could meet me at one of the campus ministries during a meeting (where other people would be around.) After I told him that, I never heard from him again. Man, when I told some of my guy friends about that, they were ready to find this guy and tell him a thing or two!

But other than that, I have no experience with turning a guy down nicely. I did go on a blind date once, but that was so incredibly awkward that nothing came of it naturally --I didn't have to do anything.
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Postby Furen » Wed Aug 25, 2010 3:11 pm

Htom Sirveaux (post: 1419460) wrote:Slap him.
No, really. Straight-up let him have it.


I second the motion!

JK but I don't know, I'm sure if you try to let him know nicely he won't stop, but the other way may make him hate you, so it's up to you how you want to go about it.
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Postby goldenspines » Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:21 pm

Man, can't we just find a happy medium for all of this? None of this "slap his face" vs. "Just be nice and sweet and maybe he'll go away because your overwhelming cuteness has made him rethink his creepy ways".

From reading this thread, I'm going to assume that most girls (not all, though), when interacting with guys that like them, have heard of or go by either one of two approaches. One, because girls tend to be a bit more emotional than guys (most of us, anyways), we don't like hurting others. Thus, when we run up against a situation where we need to be firm, we just beat around the bush, hoping the guy will get a hint and run away. The other approach (also sparked by emotion) is on the opposite side of a spectrum, it seems. Basically, you hit the nail on the head with all your might and shatter the guy's heart because you've been told that boys can "handle it".

Neither approach is the best one, I think. Therefore, as some others in this thread have mentioned, be very clear in how you feel (sum it up in one sentence if possible), don't try to butter up the truth to make yourself feel better, but be tactful towards his feelings. I don't really think there's a way for him to be totally happy with the outcome, really, if you are worried about that. But, speak truthfully to him, and hopefully, he will have to accept your decision and move on.
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Postby Yuki-Anne » Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:25 pm

Yeah see that's what I'm saying. Unfortunately a lot of others don't seem to agree. Telling a girl she's pretty, hanging out with her, these don't seem creepy or stalkerish to me. Now granted, he may be doing other things that airi didn't mention and I don't know about, so I'm not saying she's falsely accusing the guy. I'm just saying he seems like a decent guy who's maybe a bit socially awkward, but he's trying to be friendly. So advice saying "Tell him he's being creepy or a stalker" just seems mean. Then he's going to get the idea "If you ever compliment a girl at any moment you are immediately a disgusting gross pervert" and then he lives a miserable life alone and ashamed of himself.

Saying "You are a creep/stalker" is one way to make it worse unless he's genuinely acting like one; and again, I think girls like to throw around that term unfairly. Someone was telling me about an image they saw that I think is appropriate. It was a girl walking down the street and a handsome, athletic-looking guy said "Hey, you're pretty hot" and the girl was all "OMG he noticed me!" The next panel was an overweight guy with glasses and acne saying "Hey, you're pretty hot" and the girl was like "OMG what a creepy pervert!"


Sadly, this is true. I agree 100% that it is not fair to call someone a stalker if they give you attention and you don't feel the same way. An "unwanted admirer" is not a stalker, and it's not fair to call them that. I have been guilty of this in the past, but a couple of years ago one of my best friends and I had this conversation and decided the behavior needed to stop.

And then she married a guy she said she would never date. So while I will agree to disagree with you on some things, Nate, I will say that I agree with you on a lot of what you said.

But I am horribly jealous of you. I've never known what God was ever calling me to do, and still don't, and wonder what it's like to know with absolute certainty what God is telling you to do. It certainly seems a lot easier than living life with anxiety and uncertainty and not knowing what to do.


Without getting too terribly personal, I will say that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
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Postby Furen » Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:29 pm

goldenspines (post: 1419674) wrote:Man, can't we just find a happy medium for all of this? None of this "slap his face"


I didn't actually mean I wanted her too I just found it fairly comical to quote before putting in my two cents.
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