Esoteric (post: 1362916) wrote:Actually, I caught a glimpse of the previous post before you replaced it. Yes, this is a better sample (since it doesn't start mid action).
Are you looking for feedback? You haven't mentioned it and I don't want to be so bold as to assume you are.
Esoteric (post: 1362978) wrote:True, I can’]
No, they don't have enough gravity. That's given an explanation, as one of the more fantasy elements of my story. This is Science-Fantasy, not Science Fiction. LSS, "Artificial" gravity.2. Is the broad variety of names intended to suggest a mixed heritage?
Aristocles sounds Greek.
Jonatan sounds American (var. of Jonathan)
Kalir sounds Indian.
Chiro sounds Japanese.
Zine sounds futurisitic.
Intrex sounds like the name of a next-gen computer processor.
Aristocles does, indeed, come out of the word "Aristocracy" though the people there don't know that, including those who have the name, and they don't even know what "greece" is, or England for that matter.
Jonatan does come from Jonathan. Kalir, Chiro, Zine, and Intrex are all Vinkan. Vinkan is the language I'm developing for the story, and Intrex (as well as Entrex) has a specific meaning. Chiro would be prounounced with an R the same as in English, while the r I can't make with this keyboard with the mark on it is supposed to be pronounced more like the Japanese / soft spanish R. "Emtehite" is what the Vinkans call European explorers that had come to their island in the 1500s, which I know I haven't mentioned yet, but it gets there.From these names, I don’t get a sense of unified ‘culture’ and ‘language’, which I would think is vital to the survival of a colony, but perhaps that’s what you’re going for--disconnect and cultural chaos.
The two languages mentioned, Vinkan, Emtehite--neither of these names are suggestive of any known Earth language or evolution thereof, so they don’t help me pinpoint a sense of culture either, although Gregora and Keigos are suggestive of European culture. Amazing what’s in a name sometimes, and how etymology effects culture.
I think I explained this, so there's nothing else to say... Except Gregora... Which gets hinted at by the the end of the first book, then explained more thoroughly later. There wouldn't be much recognizable etymology as the native language of most of those people developed rather isolated from other cultures (except that there were two neighboring cultures that converged at one point, but I'll get into that later) As for etymology within their language, here's a starting point. Many words starting with E and I are opposites. In and En are first and last, while Il and El are superior and inferior. Then there's Kei / Gei. Any noun starting with that refers to a deity. Gos refers to wisdom. Emte means lie, Inte means truth. Hite is people, Hitana is person. I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to include a small reference guide for Vinkan in an Appendix. Also, the names are not symbolic. They were given as the people giving them saw fit, so they may not always be indicative.On that note, I’m not getting a real good feel for the atmosphere of the colony. There is mention of the fact it’s covered by a dome of some sort. But I get no sense of the landscape, other than the mention of a beach, buildings, houses. No sense of color or form. No sense of the colony’s infrastructure or workings.
Does Gregora resemble a bunch of pristine ceramic igloos joined by transport tubes? Does Gregora resemble Dresden after it was firebombed in WWII?
No clue.
What little sense of technology I get is also inconsistent. Rifles, swords, boat fuel, lamps, and radio sets feel archaic. Artificial viewing windows, Matrix-esque ability chips, and cyborg implants are all very sophisticated. It doesn't help me make sense of this world.
The people who live on the surface (with a huge exception in Intrex) are living rather low-tech. THere's a reason for that, and it won't be explained in the first book. Intrex is an exception because... well, that is explained later. The military uses rifles and bombs, but high ups have swords for decorum, essentially, and two leaders may decide to have a duel with swords to settle a conflict.
As for architecture, the look of the cities, etc, you're right... I need work on explaining those things. I'm gonna see about working on that with my first rewrite session.3. Is it ever explained why Intrex has these chips (or why no one else does?) If so, great! If not, the reader will have issues.
Yes it is, and he's not the only one who has them. He also doesn't have a full set.4. So far, almost everything I’ve read is in ‘cinematic’ narrative. It never truly penetrates the thoughts or emotions of the characters. I could explain what I mean by this, but Orson Scott Card talks about it so much better than I could here:
http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Writing-Fiction-Characters-Viewpoint/dp/0898799279
Click on ‘search inside this book’ and search page ‘170’. Read 170 thru 172.
I have to admit, the cinematic thing is what I'm going for. I will read what you suggested later, though.5. The heavy use of dialogue for conveying information negatively affects my perceptions of the characters. Case in point:
Even though Intrex backtracked, the fact that he would even begin to say this out loud suggests that he’s horribly obtuse or doesn’t know Zine at all. It doesn't help make Intrex sympathetic to the reader. Try:
What I had hoped to demonstrate about Intrex was that he was putting on a show, and really didn't know what the crap he was doing. The fact he'd say something like what he said to Zine is part of that.Zine’s gaze was focused on his own feet. “Maybe... But I can really help you, I know I can. The other day I actually beat Kalir in a sparring match.”
Intrex drew in a breath to respond, but stopped short. He’d heard about the match, but also that most of Kalir’s family had been killed by a Keigos bomb a only few cycles before. Everyone knew Kalir’s loss was an indication of the churning distress behind his stoic gaze rather than Zine’s improvement.
“Yeah...” Intrex nodded slowly, “you’re a good fighter, Zine.” Maybe not the best, but certainly brave.
Here, Intrex is much more discrete. It’s still obvious he thinks the win was a fluke, but he shows empathy for his friend by not saying it. The reader will respect him more.
I'm not entirely sure I want the reader to respect Intrex. He's an immature little boy who's trying to act like an adult. I will consider what you said, in any case.Okay, I’ve talked your ear off and with fairly depressing criticism. I apologize for focusing only on the negative aspects of what I’ve read. Sadly, it’s my strong point. I do admire your stamina--to persevere this long and write so much proves you got what it takes to pull this off and make it a great book. 80,000 some-odd words is far longer than anything I’ve ever managed to write. I wish you the best with this endeavor.
What I had hoped to demonstrate about Intrex was that he was putting on a show, and really didn't know what the crap he was doing. The fact he'd say something like what he said to Zine is part of that.
Esoteric (post: 1376850) wrote:The added detail describing the terrain and colony is a good improvement.
I notice chapter two is broken up with headers, like 'Hero:' and 'Gregoran Soldiers:' Is this how it's intended to be in finished form? I'm just wondering because these sorts of labelled breaks make it seem more like a screenplay than ever. We've already talked about the style being cinematic, and if that's really what you're going for, then maybe you should write it as a real screenplay? Just a thought.
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