Postby Mave » Tue Apr 13, 2004 4:06 pm
I rarely bump up old topics but I've been thinking of suicide today.
The thought comes up a little more often recently. When I was told today that I was one of the worst graduate students ever by one of my professors, due to my failures and stupidity and that he's so disappointed with me, that he doesn't want to be my advisor anymore, I didn't really know how to react. Get angry? Cry? Kick the door? Tear up paper? Punch something? Whine about it? Yell back? Comfort myself with my fav. food or drink?
I just nodded and decided, "OK, let's keep calm and see what we can do. I'll keep doing my best even if it's the worst." I walked out with a sad smile and wondered what God intended for me here in graduate school. Humility? Complete dependance on Him? Patience? Faith? Trust? Strength through Him?
Everything is going wrong. I can't fix my problems. I don't even know what's my problem. I get blamed for my bad decisions and judgment. I'm seen as inferior and stupid by others. I get tired of apologizing for my weaknesses. I get manipulated everyday. Does that sound familiar yet to anyone? Good, coz that's the sound of my heart breaking.
Nevertheless, whenever I consider suicide, I almost immediately hear, "No No No! Not after all what you've been through and have to do in the future." Nothing scriptural really, but somehow I know that I will die only when God decides it.
So, how do I deal with my pain? I seek acknowledgement of pain and suffering. As long as someone understands and listens to my problems, it substantially reduce the suicidal tendencies. I don't expect them to fix my problem. If someone hears me, it's good enough.
Then, I think of worst things that could happen to me. I could get into an accident, become paralyzed, blind. I could lose everything I own. I could get stabbed, raped or mutilated. My parents could have divorced or sexually abused me. I could be a prostitute, pregnant and homeless. So today, someone said something demoralizing to me and I beat myself to death over it. What about my friend who has to endure mocks and insults from her own mother? Sheesh.....life isn't that bad actually.
I recall what I want to do in life. I want to mangaka. I wish to go to culinary school. I want to write. I want to arrange music. I want to go to art school. I want to help develop games. I want paint a pic for my parents so that they'll be proud to hang it in their house. I want to be a sensory scientist and be involve in marketing/product development. I want to go into counseling/welfare. The list goes on......I have to be alive to do this.
Lastly, I recall what God has given to me. He gave me life, a healthy body, a hand for drawing, friends I can depend on, a boyfriend who may not care for Valentine's day but is there whenever I really need him, parents who love me, a fridge that's full with food, a eye for visualizing, a tongue that speaks fluently, a car that moves smoothly, a comfortable place for living and expenses that are affordable...the list goes on...I won't throw all that away just over my failures of being a smart independant researcher
Point is, I can't kill myself even if I wanted to. God has given me higher reasons to survive. Same goes for you, if you realize it.
*********
Untitled Hymn - Chris Rice
Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for Love is passing by,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,
Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so
Sing to Jesus ,
Sing to Jesus ,
Sing to Jesus and live,
And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,
Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,
O, and when the love splills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain you joy inside... then
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,
Fly to Jesus and live,
**********************
God bless everyone