I Need Advice On Dealing With Someone Who Doesn't Understand

[Lilac#18]

My problem is I don't have enough common sense and my aunt gets mad when I'm not quick on thinking what to do with certain things. Of course I have common sense, but I just think she doesn't realizes/understands that I don't have as much as I/she would like. I'm scaried to talk about it with her because she might get mad at me because that's the way she is. What should I do?

[Roz]

I'm sorry bout your Aunt. I have one like that too.

Sometimes when I miss something and people start to get mad at me I ask them, "Can you please explain/ask it a different way? I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say/ask." or I say, "I'm sorry. I don't understand", and if they still get mad I've done my part to clear up the communication.

And just because you don't respond the way she would like you too doesn't necessarily mean you lack sense. Peoples brains work in many different ways (that's the way God made us ), yours may just process information differently than she or you understands.

Just my two cents. *shrug*

[KumaruRockz]

I'm like your aunt. I get stuff quickly and get annoyed when others don't.

[Esoteric]

I don't that I'm all that qualified to offer any real advice, because I've never been in your situation. All I can say is be patient with your aunt and try not to let her get to you. Just do your best--that's all anyone can do. If that's not enough for her, well, it certainly isn't your fault. Remember that God understands you even when she doesn't and try to forgive her for it.

I don't know your situation, so I don't know how much time you spend with your aunt. But if the situation worsens and you feel the burden is just becoming too heavy for you, seek help. If your aunt gets angry or you're just too afraid to speak with her yourself, find someone who can offer you the support you need. Talk to a family member you trust. Talk to a counselor. Talk to a youth leader or pastor at your church. Find somebody close who can help you deal with this issue.

[Lilac#18]

O.k., I'll try to explain it. Some things I just can't figure out. My mind just goes blank. Like, if I have to do certain/some things, I just can't figure it out how to do it right. Somethings I have to ask what to do. She just gets mad at that and I live with her, so I have to deal with her everyday. I'm not the only one she treats this way, my grandparents too and other people in the family.

[Dante]

Wait, I thought only men didn't understand... you mean that sometimes other women don't understand each other without even realizing?! Wow, it really IS hopeless .

-Off that note, I don't know is the best answer I have, I wish I could offer better advice though.

[Tsukuyomi]

I know some people like that as well :-?

I'd say if you're at a lost of how to do something she says/ask.. You should ask her for suggestions on how to do it

Just be honest with her I'm sure she'll appreciate it more if you did ask and do something right. Rather then, not ask and do something wrong ^^

[Lilac#18]

Well, the thing is she expects me to know/figure it out myself. Especially if it's simple and it's simple to her, so I don't know, she might get unreasonable If I ask her. (Maybe because I'm a young adult.) Thanks for the advice everyone.

[Dante]

Well, you could always do what my sister used to do and respond with the canonical teenage responce.

"Whatever".

Ok, maybe that was bad advice... but it really works to drive them crazy, but I can sometimes see times when I myself would seek to use it .

[ADXC]

Well Im a slow person in a way. But that isn't due to my mind(Well not all the time), it's mostly due to my hearing. I can't hear very well out of my left ear so Im forced to say "What was that?" or "Hmm?" to the person talking to me on my left side. It's frustrating for us both. So you're not alone in all of this.

But I also do have times when my mind will go blank and it's like it's in space millions of miles away. Hopefully someone will have the kindness to bring me back..

[Esoteric]

Well, the thing is she expects me to know/figure it out myself. Especially if it's simple and it's simple to her, so I don't know, she might get unreasonable If I ask her.

Okay, let me ask you. If you were going to say something to her, would you say something like this?:

"I'm sorry, Aunt, I'm not very clever and I know it frustrates you sometimes. Please be patient with me. I try my best, I really do. I know I'm a little slow and it really hurts when you get upset at me. I really do want to make you happy. Could you try to help me a little more when I'm doing something wrong? Maybe give me a little more time to understand and figure things out?"

How do you think she would respond if you said this in a kind and honest manner?

[Lilac#18]

Okay, let me ask you. If you were going to say something to her, would you say something like this?:

"I'm sorry, Aunt, I'm not very clever and I know it frustrates you sometimes. Please be patient with me. I try my best, I really do. I know I'm a little slow and it really hurts when you get upset at me. I really do want to make you happy. Could you try to help me a little more when I'm doing something wrong? Maybe give me a little more time to understand and figure things out?"

How do you think she would respond if you said this in a kind and honest manner?

I think she might think that I'm making up excuses because I mentioned one time about beings slow (which is true, I am a little slow) and she was not happy with that answer. so, I don't know if that will work or not. So, I will have to not mention about being slow and probably mention the common sense issue (if that will work because she'll think I'm just being too sensitive and I am pretty sensitive and she knows I'm a little slow).

[goldenspines]

I try to avoid people like that; just because trying to measure up perfectly to someone's expectations is next to impossible and can be rather frustrating.

But since you can't avoid her, I hope I can offer a bit of encouragement.
You seem like a very clever person (even from the little that I know of you on the site), and I'm sure you're trying to be less "slow" as you say. This is perhaps something you can tell your aunt? That even though you don't meet her expectations, you are trying your hardest to become sharper and better at getting things. Not just to satisfy her, but to satisfy yourself as well.

[Lilac#18]

umm... in what way are you sometimes slow?

What I mean is that I'm a slow learner (not to try and make excuses why can't do certain things). I would have to study something like, watching or reading something a few times to get it. My aunt thinks I'm trying to not use my head.

Some things I have to do is simple. Like, I was asking my grandma a couple of days ago where to put some of her stuff and she just told me (not in a anger/annoyed way, just in a simple way) to put it on her side of the bed and I did. So, I took an envelope that had my grandpa's name on it off the couch. At first, I was about to put the envelope on my grandma's side of the bed, but then I said out loud "I guess it doesn't make sense to put this on your side of the bed." So, my aunt says "Are you still asking where to put things?" in an annoyed way. I said "No, I was just trying to figure out where to put this." She says "Just put it down some where. It's just a simple thing to do. You don't have to put it in some special place." I said in a calm way without raising my voice and without frowning "You don't have to make a big deal about everything." (or something like that I said) She says "You don't have to be so sensitive about everything either. You know what? get out of here if you're going to get smart with me. Go." I said. "I wasn't." in a continuously calm way.

She insisted that I was talking back and she continued to tell me to leave. She didn't know I intended to put the evelope on my grandpa's side of the bed. I should of been more clear with her about that. I did apologized even though I think she deserved it because she always gets on my case for not using common sense at the right time.

[quote="anonymous"]see, depending on that, [I think] there are ways to essentially practice things like creativity, problem solving, and logic]

Do you know any good books on problem solving, creativity and logic? Thank you anonymous.

[quote="goldenspines"]I try to avoid people like that]

Thank you goldenspines. What you're saying is true.

[Paul]

Well, Liliac# 18, I can understand your position. I know what it is like to be slow in the way you are talking. I'm 42 years old and still have to stop and take the time and figure some things out. Generally drives me nuts because when I see finally see the simplicity of the solution, I slap my forehead in stupidity.

But slow thinkers are not dumb, I'm not and either are you. When dealing with other people, try to give them the room they need. As for your aunt. I'm afraid I can't help with much advice. What I can offer for you is a little boost to help you. In my church we have a pastor who tells others about the guy who swears by the rose colored glasses. Strange thought indeed, but I am sure you can guess who that guy is. Have you considered the possibility you may be a Kinsthetic/Tacktile learner. Also known as a hands on learner. Dyslexics like me heavily tend to be tactile kinsthetic learners because we are slow because we can't process the information as fast as others. But yet when it comes to taking the thing apart, having hands on experience, comes a more thorough understanding. Then after a while you begin to relate the current problem with a learned experience, thus learning faster.

My suggestion is this, below is a few website with articles on the subject of using colored lens to correct problems, and to see if maybe, just maybe they might help you to see the problem in a different shade and it makes a lot more sense. When I do homework, read, write, and even drive my car or the school bus at my job, I always do a better job when wearing the colored lenses. It might work for you, it might not. But you won't know until you give it a shot.

Let me know what you think. I know it works for me. Whoopi Goldberg is a dyslexic and wears colored lens too.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Paul

http://dyslexia.mtsu.edu/modules/articles/displayarticle.jsp?id=49
http://www.color-medicine.com/Dyslexia-and-Color/index.php
http://homeschooling.families.com/blog/teaching-your-tactile-learner

[Esoteric]

So, my aunt says "Are you still asking where to put things?" in an annoyed way. I said "No, I was just trying to figure out where to put this." She says "Just put it down some where. It's just a simple thing to do. You don't have to put it in some special place." I said in a calm way without raising my voice and without frowning "You don't have to make a big deal about everything." (or something like that I said) She says "You don't have to be so sensitive about everything either. You know what? get out of here if you're going to get smart with me. Go."

I see. Again, I don't know helpful any advice I give will really be, but there are people in this world that are just plain hard to deal with. Stubborn, impatient people who refuse to see things any other way but their own. Unfortunately, a lot of the time when dealing with such a person, all you can really do is control your own responses.

You seem to know your aunt fairly well. (i.e. how she'll respond if a certain thing is said). Now I know that when provoked, it is really hard not to respond in a defensive manner. It's human nature to defend yourself, especially when you've done nothing wrong. But with people who will not be moved, arguing just throws fuel on the fire.
Your aunt got impatient/annoyed. You (kindly) told her to lighten up. Apparently, she has no sense of humor and took your remark as an accusation of over-reacting. Regardless of whether or not she over-reacted (and I agree her words were belittling), when dealing with someone like your aunt, it will probably be best to avoid 'pushing her many buttons'. When she belittled you like that, even though it hurt, it probably would have been best if you'd ignored it and said nothing at all, or simply "okay".
If she demands a response then politely give one, but be compliant and avoid giving her the argument she's looking for. (And try not to 'accuse' her of anything, especially of looking for an argument.)

Sorry, you're in a tough spot. It sounds like you're gonna have to make up for her lack of patience with a mountain load of your own.

[That Dude]

I'm personally an extremely quick learner, but one of my older brothers (who's extremely smart) is a somewhat slow learner. It just takes it a while to connect because he has to examine every side of the problem that he comes to...You may be like that. I'm guessing you're a really smart person who has problems learning because if you don't examine every detail you don't think that you can come to a decision on something. I don't know for sure if I'm right or not but it seems to be that way.

As far as your aunt I'd advise you to confront her about how her attitude towards your learning curve makes you feel. Don't do it like you're attacking her, but you can say something like "I don't know why but I can't automatically make decisions like you do and I have to take my time and think things through and when you get frustrated with me it really hurts me badly, the way it comes across to me makes it feel like you just think I'm stupid and lazy, I don't know if that's what you think but that's the way I interpret what you're saying."

Basically you should confront her in a way that isn't attacking but saying how what she's saying makes you feel. By making it about how you interpret what she says comes off a lot more non-confrontational and generally takes the edge and anger off the conversation.

If that doesn't work, try the same thing with one or more sympathetic people there to back you up.

And one last peace of advice, pray for your aunt! And your relationship with her.