Almost thirty

[Sammy Boy]

Note to mods: This doesn't exactly feel like "spiritual growth" so I haven't placed it there, and can't find an appropriate place. If you feel it should go somewhere else, by all means feel free to move it. Thanks.
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A few days from now, I will be turning thirty. I have some thoughts I would like to share with you.

From the time I was in my late teens, I used to have a personal tradition in that whenever it was close to or on my birthday, I would think about how I have changed as a person, whether good or bad, or both, as well as what my direction should be for the future and the things I should be spending my time and energy on. This practice came about because somehow I became convinced that a person can avoid many mistakes and regrets in life if he made the time for self reflection.

And yet, despite this...

As I think back to the past ten years or so, since I started studying at university, to when I had my first job, and the experiences of being out of work, through to when I worked and studied at the same time, and also when I became a married man, I realised that even though I had known the wise response to many situations I found myself in, I still made many unwise decisions. I believe you can relate to this kind of experience.

In my late teens, I had decided to grow as a person in all aspects - spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Physical growth was by easiest, I tackled exercises and set routines with determination. Mental growth was harder but still relatively easy. Emotional and spiritual growth were the hardest. It just seemed so hard to keep my temper under control at times. It was as if I felt that by letting go of my anger, I was being cheated out of my right to express myself. So caught up was I in the concept of fighting fire with fire that I had not grasped the true meaning of justice, and learned nothing about what it meant to forgive because we have been forgiven.

The idea to do right was ever in my heart from a young age, I certainly valued justice and honesty greatly. But now as I have become older, I wonder why I never held compassion and mercy in the same regard. Perhaps I had pursued the concept of justice to the point where life became legalistic and rigid.

When I started working, I re-discovered the joys of LEGO. Soon my interests expanded to include Transformers, comics, and video games. I don't why whether this was done to make up for the years in which I yearned for these things as a kid but could not afford them. It's interesting because I find that sometimes a person doesn't really know himself all that well, even after reflection. The consequences of these decisions, apart from giving me hours of enjoyment, was to make me a more materialistic person. As a result of this and work, I slowly came to forsake my desire to grow as a person as I had in the years before.

I wanted to simply enjoy life and not work hard for anything, because I felt that I had already spent a great number of years studying. At a deeper level, I knew that as people grow up, they have to take on more responsibilities in life - to their families, friends and the communities they are in. Long have I sought to escape this. But I always knew that our responsbilities towards other people are inescapable, unless we decide to cut all social ties to everyone we have ever known, and that was something I was unwilling to do. I also came to realise that in my pursuit of joy, I had neglected creative and constructive ways to spend my time, such as devoting myself to drawing. Since a young age I believe God gave me a passion for drawing. I still remember how when I was ten years of age I went through a drawing phase, doing two or three drawings per night. Of course in those days things were simpler because I only knew how to draw in two dimensions, and I didn't really care whether my drawings were good or bad, I drew simply because I loved to draw. It isn't that I no longer love to draw, but with time I became more critical of myself, and seeing how many people drew a lot better than myself, and how they knew other skills such as inking and colouring, I felt that I was no longer good enough. But what I had forgotten was that these skills are learned, and those that draw much better than I do had spent many hours, days, weeks, months, and even years honing their skills. They had endured and persevered, and their works show the fruits of that labour.

Hence I now know if I would only dedicate myself with the determination I once had in my teenage years, I too, can improve my drawing skills.

However, perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that nothing in life can be pursued to the exclusion of other things. No man can live simply for the pleasure of interests and hobbies. There are responsibilities that we cannot forsake, especially if we believe that God has given us purpose in life. To be honest at times I feel this to be a heavy burden.

Even after thinking about all of these things, I feel I have not grown in wisdom, and have no clear sense of direction in life. One thing I do know is that I no longer consider "success" to be something related to my job or the amount of things I have in life. I now believe "success" is measured by how we treat the people around us, because I think that's something that everyone, regardless of their situation in life, must deal with, and treating people right is simply the right thing to do.

Finally, it seems that because it's not possible to engage in all the things we want to do, we must be selective and choose the most vital of these things to focus on. As a human I am bound by certain needs, so things such as going to work, grocery shopping, general housework, etc. I cannot avoid doing - because these things are necessary for continuing what I would call a normal lifestyle. I also don't think I can neglect my relations with family members and relatives. Then there is participation in the church, as well as spending time with my friends. With the time that's left I believe I should do some exercise, and also work on my drawing skills. One thing I have discovered is that it's not easy to keep in touch with all your friends when you have all these things going on in life. There are people I consider to be friends that I haven't met in years. I honestly don't know what can be done about this, perhaps it is just an inevitable "casualty" I have to accept. The most I can seem to do about this for the time being is to meet more of my friends by meeting each one of them less frequently (if that makes sense).

So what do you think? Or if you've given thought to your own life, what have you come up with?

[animewarrior]

hmmm heavy thoughts... well I know I've changed even in the past 6 months... I know that God changes us daily if we let him and life is not something to take for granted. I might post more later when I have time to really think more about it.