My life if you could call it a life

[MoonRock Dragon]

Disclamer . I do not own this work it belongs to Lorin Neikirk .
This is not compleatly what my life is like but is similar.

Answer
I have Aspergers and I wrote this article not long ago. It may give you an idea of what it's like to have Aspergers, which is on the spectrum. I have a blog about living with Aspergers, if you are interested in learning more about living as an independent adult with Aspergers/autism. www . aPanopticLife . blogspot . com

-Lorin Neikirk

I Want You to Ask Me.



I want you to ask me. Although you may not understand the answer…



Desolate. You are walking through streets of a desolate city that you have always lived in, and yet you don't know your way around. It's bright and dusty, and despite the sheer volume of things going on, it's quiet and surprisingly bland. It's what you might imagine a city would look like after a nuclear war.



As you walk around, you see people who are shuffling about, although you can't tell where they are going or what they are trying to accomplish. And unfortunately, everyone's faces look almost the same. There are people you have known your whole life, and yet when you look at them, their faces are so similar that sometimes it takes several seconds to tell one from the other.



One thing you do know about this place is that there are rituals, rules, and restrictions which seem (to you, at least), to be highly illogical. The unfortunate thing is that violations of this conglomeration of protocol can have highly detrimental consequences. But because the rules seem illogical, it's difficult to predict what is and is not ok. The laws are easy to follow because regardless of the logic, they are clearly defined. It's the unwritten rules which are almost scary, because violating them means losing a job, ruining a relationship, and ridicule.



They speak your language in this place, but that doesn't mean communication comes easily. Many of the words still mean the same thing, but there are just enough differences that while you know misunderstandings are very possible, it's difficult to know when the misunderstanding is actually occurring. Unfortunately, the people around you don't know that these misunderstandings are possible, so although you are on alert, the other people around you are sure that you mean what they think you mean. And when you try to clarify, it only becomes more confusing to them. Add to this that the others are physically accustomed to the debris of the nuclear mess, but it makes you very sick. The others can't understand why sometimes you have to wear a mask, so you are ridiculed for that, too. You may even lose your job for wearing it. (But you'll also lose your job for being out sick from not wearing your mask.)



There are many beautiful dimensions to the strange world, but they need to be found. They are secret places that are hard to find. Like the colorful butterfly garden hidden in a warehouse, and the sunrise which you can only see with your blinder goggles on. There is grass between your toes, but only when your eyes are closed. There are things which you see in this place which you love, so you cling to them. When you see a blooming tree with pink blossoms, you spend many hours sitting under it because it shelters you from the blistering sun, distracts you from the others passing by, and calms you in a way that the others just don't understand. But you cling to it nonetheless.



As you walk around the streets of this frightening place, you are pretty sure there are others like you. Although they, like you, are hiding. Some are hidden in nooks and crannies. Others like you congregate in pockets, but no one knows there whereabouts because once they go into their preferred pocket, they never come out again. In their pockets of people there is color and music and laughing. And it's completely up to you to find them.



If your parents are like you they could have helped you learn about this odd place. But they aren't, as they are like the rest of the others. They didn't know how to help you, or even what you needed help with in the first place. So your life is like this, and your parents try to cope with helping you down the right street if you get lost. "BUT I NEED MORE HELP THAN THAT!!" you keep shouting. But as much as they love you, all they know how to do is point you down a different street, which may or may not get you where you are going at that moment. Or maybe they were like you. If they were, they taught you about this place, showed you where the pockets of people are, and how to hide your mask. They knew what you would need to know as you grow, so they knew how to help you. Maybe your parents were like the others but knew about people like you. So they did the best they could for you, with what they had. And for you, it was good enough. What happens when your parents die? You are alone in this place.



Imagine this was your world. Now ask me what it's like to live a life as an adult with Aspergers. Although, you may not understand the answer.





Copyright © 2008 Lorin Neikirk





>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>edited 7/2/08 9:44 am CST<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Since I have autistic characteristics, I feel qualified to answer this question.

Basically, it's hell on Earth, regardless of whatever positive testimonies you may read or hear. Even though you physically appear as an adult, you are emotionally still a child, and will still exhibit bizarre behavior for someone your age. It's not as if you're clinically insane and unable to reason, but you still feel trapped in a world of illusion and introspection. While everyone is outside enjoying a sunny day, you'll be inside your room researching the most insignificant minutiae on the internet, never moving from your seat except to go to the bathroom and eat.

The worst part about enduring autism as an adult is that you fail to meet basic "social norms." You don't "fit in." You never "get ahead." Your life becomes wasteful and unproductive. You may have dreams, but you'll never fulfill them because of the unusual, ineffable autistic reasons that "society" fails to understand. Don't expect to get married or have children, either, because you either won't care or you'll never find someone who shares the affection you may have for them.

I realize that this is grossly pessimistic, but you asked for an answer, and I gave it.




All credit go's to Lorin Neikirk .

This is what my life is similar to but not exactly the same.

[Raiden no Kishi]

I'm just curious . . . what inspired this post?

.rai//

[MoonRock Dragon]

Well not many people here know how hard it is for a person with aspergers syndrome to have a happy life.

So it is a good way to show that I am a waste of space that should not have been born and am destined to be lonely and never be happy and to show how hard life is for people like me so next time you say I have a chance look at this and you will see My life is set in stone and My childhood/life was quite like this persons.

So the bottem line is that I am Doomed .

[Roy Mustang]

There are a few members on here that have asperger synrome.

So, where some of may not understand it fully in detail, we do know some members that have it and talk about it.


The thing is, I understand that its not an easy life. Life is never easy for any of us and its even harder for some people.


So, yes. Not everyone will fully understand what someone is dealing with, but the same thing can be said for people that have cancer, aids, other health problems or some kind of disorder.

[font="Book Antiqua"][color="Red"]Col. Roy Mustang[/color][/font]

[MoonRock Dragon]

Good , good so now shoot me , I am a mistake and someone will have to clean it up. So if anything I would be looking foward to hell because I will be used to it since I am on earth and maybe hell will be better so I might never meet you all in person.If god gave me asperger syndrome I must say hell might be better since thats what life is and people say AS happens trough genitics but if god did this it was pretty cruel and maybe I am a angel who fell to earth.

[rocklobster]

MRD, That is not an attitude God wants you to have. You ought to look at the strengths you have, not your weaknesses.

[MoonRock Dragon]

Well my strengths are looking at what life relly is and death is a doorstep away and being releistic about what life has in store for me.

[Robin Firedrake]

Then the only thing i can say... Is that i'm praying for you.

And to tell you the truth i would never know. Quit being so hard on your self. And err... hell just aint what ya think it's gonna be. Know how heaven is supposed to be so great you can't even imagine it? Same with hell but in reverse.

[MoonRock Dragon]

Well it is the truth and if I never was born no one would have to put up with me and as it says in the essay above it is hell on earth.
Normal person
heaven=So great
Hell=So horrific

As person
Heaven=Living in hell since there used to it on earth
Hell=reely pretty much the same as earth since it is hell

[Stephen]

Let's watch the crude language k?

[goldenspines]

I know several people who have Asperger's synrome, and they are some of the kindest and most brilliant people I know.

God never promised that you'd always be happy, but He did promise you will never be alone. He created you; He knows you inside and out, down to the deepest parts of your being and He is always present by you.

Also, you don't know the truth until you know God. He is the only true truth. And how can you know of heaven? It is beyond the imagination of any human being that walks on this eath. The descriptions in Revelations hardly touch the surface of what it really is. And you know what, when you're in heaven, I don't think you will see things as you see them now.

Now, my friend, stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know you have AS, yes. I know your life is far from a walk in the park. But look at the big picture. God, the One who created the whole universe, loves you more than anything and has an awesome plan in store for you if you would just look to Him. His love is stronger than any love you can possibly imagine. Why on earth would you think that you're not wanted?

[Jingo Jaden]

Heh, I have asbergers myself. Now the question arise in my mind is do you think that people with various disabilities, or just mental differences are pre-planned to go towards eternal suffering?

I might as well take my own testimony into this to help explain my position on this.

I would start as early as kindergarten. Whereas I early had started to both read English and Norwegian. *Yes, I am Norwegian and I live in Norway.* You could say that I sorta learned Norwegian the same way I learned English thanks to media and computers. I was an early tech-freak for my time. That and I loved to read, no particular physical presence as I always was a slow runner, in truth I still am that today. Moving on at the age of 7, I was what would be labeled an outcast in terms of the whole class with only one true classmate friend. Now, I did fine at school, had a near nonexistent social life and not that great of a health, be it mental or physical. I was not diagnosed, but constantly taken to a counselor at an early age. Aside from the obvious troubles I had at that age regarding communication I also was a diehard atheist. I mean, how many die hard atheists do you find at the age of 7? Spiritually I was the poorest in the class, socially the same and maybe even physically. Always standing up for my point, even when I knew it was wrong. I was both stubborn and confused, although focused at desires.

Moving on the age of 11 I decided to turn towards faith. I did not fully understand the whole sin and forgiveness idea, but I had seem to like God for who he was. You could say he had aided me quite a few times, always showing me that there was something to go after, even when the situation was ever so dark. It was not until the age of 12 or 13 I started to read 'the little bible' which is about 6-800 pages long. I read about 10 pages each day, sometimes more, sometimes less. However the funny thing was that a week before my birthday, I saw that I had about 70 pages left. And I finished reading the bible on the end of my birthday. Quite strange eh? At either rate, I was starting to feel more and more comfortable with my faith, more open so to speak. I got baptized at the age of 14.

Now, here is where things get interesting. During my last days of high school, this was 3 years of being bullied quite intensely around. I had what was classified as a very strong mental breakdown. Now, imagine this. Having a hard time thinking straight, not being able to breathe properly, having clear problems eating, drinking, speaking and constantly being tired, yet not fully able to speak? During this times I had doctors from France looking at me, and these guys know their stuff. However, they could not find a diagnose to it. And when they start mentioning symptoms of paranoia, asberger, OCD, schizophrenia and numerous other things that are too hard to pronounce, then you know you got some serious trouble. And it was not like I was not fighting it, I was haveing a constant day and night struggle with it. Fighting it, as not giving into it. Even working out. However the kicker is that by saying I had problems thinking the thoughts that came forced into my head where ungodly ones. I mean really ungodly, not as if I made them myself, but as if something else tried to force it into me and all I could do was block. This get tiring after a few hours, not to mention a few months. It was heavily active for 2 months, although it started to decrease and I was given medication that really was not indented for my age group, or so I think. It proved to have no visible effect, most of it at either rate.

So, walking into a church one day thinking the thoughts might have made me into a demon of some kind I decided to give myself to God. Now this is a moment in my life where I could feel that the struggles I had became weaker, as if whatever caused it had taken a hit. I would say it is one of the stand alone highlights of my life, I can't really explain it in detail. However it started to fade away after this, note that I still have some occasional kickbacks today, but I guess that something that goes into ones mind to such a great extent has to have some sort of fallout in the end.

Ironically I had taken on my mental challenges right after I was feeling better. I started to study media and communication even. Communication, which had been the very stone blocking my progression for all this time. During this course things had improved in terms of the overall being bullied around in high school. However that's not saying much as I still had some notable problems with my friends. Moving on I studied media and communication for about one and a half year. However I left after that, most of those around me though I was foolish moving on from that and into a even higher stage. That I was unrational in terms of judgment. I started to study multimedia for about half a year, and it was only at the end of it that my point was proven. The school I was in previously had serious manpower and financial problems, and I had bailed out just when things seemed to bite the dust big time. In fact, I had a 3 out of 6 grade at the end of that semester. However, a privatist exam I took sometimes later, without even doing any extensive studying. Gave me two 6 out of 6 and one 5 out of 6 grade. Very respectable grades unlike many who did stay on that course. Even with that, my knowledge on communication and media. I still had problems regarding communication, and it was visible on those around me, but just then I was starting to realize. My stubbornness and disability to compromise was the primary cause of my not so high popularity.

Then, a diehard atheist kid at 7 years of age with major problems. Now, someone with faith. A soon to be 3d professional who has had work delivered from a teacher with 30 years of experiense to blur studios, which is huge considering it was treatment doodle work that was delivered. So I have been on a long down slope in my life, but things are starting slowly to look up. The question is why?

Its the ability to admit ones shortcomings and communicate, which is a two way road. That's the thing, communication is a two way road, wastly dependant on being able to compromise, but also being able to stand ones ground depending on the subject at hand. It’s more of a gradient than a black and white scale and most of the times its best to keep within the gray zones. I still have plenty of shortcomings, but the ability to see them for what they are and to work on them is worth more than gold itself.

So, finally I can go to the question at hand. Which involves life and being different.

I don't think saying that seeing life for what it is will at present itself as a fair assessment. God knows what life is, we are just exploring it short term. I don't think one can know another, least of all oneself. God knows, which is why its best for us to be humble and try to observe sometimes, instead of acting all the time. It is even said that we should be happy for the trials we are granted in the bible. These are personal challenges that one should take and also know that one is likely to fail many, many times. The worst thing one can do is to think that the challenges won't be a problem, because they will, and in the end only God can truly help. Now whereas one might have problems understanding groups another person might have problems with alcohol, or problems with controlling their rage. One thing we are asked specifically not to do is to judge others, we are not fit to do so. Maybe something that appears as completely vile in ones eye will be the result of a long struggle lost in that person.

As for people who are different. There are plenty of people there, despite their flaws, who have a much greater willpower than your average 'normal' person. God knowing everything will of course take this into consideration. So rather than what one are, one should focus at what one could be. And there is no better thing guideline to follow than the one God will give you should you search for him with all your heart.

As for hell, I think it is wastly underestimated. I have experienced pain and I am sure you have done that too. However hell is a level that will be unrivaled to any experience possible to obtain on earth. Setting that as a final destination, which I have done before not truly knowing what it is, cannot be classified as anything, but a major mistake. Anything experienced on earth is likely going to be small fry compared to what awaits there. Which is why God wants us to be saved. And I also think hell itself is mercyful for someone like me. Yet God wants us to be saved and he personally looks into the life of even the seemingly most unimportant person that can be found just likes he looks into those who will shape the future. His hopes for them are countless as the sand on the seashore. Such an hope is unrivaled by any human understanding, as is his love. Trust me, one cannot deserve heaven if one has sinned. God knows this, yet he still wants us to be saved from hell. Everyone on Earth is known by God and they all have their path. Those who are fortunate and spoiled like we are, who are asked to follow the narrow light road in a wast space of darkness should express an unrivaled gratitude, yet even when we don't do that, because we don't fully understand what the future will bring. He still loves us.

[Jingo Jaden]

Death is always a doorstep away as you, I or anyone else will one day have to explore. One day it will come, in the mean time we should follow the rules given to us, and if God wanted us to have problems, then I can tell you this. Asbergers is, but a very small grain of sand, compared to the universe of problems he could present us with. Take our brothers with autism for example, they are special, but most of them also have this honest quality which they do not hide.

They are special. We all are special, but as brothers and sisters united in Christ we should focus on not only how to improve ourselves, but those around us selflessly. A small event in ones life can have a massive outcome and I pray for you, because the pain which I will not say that I know, is something that feels like a dark hand grasping around the heart. Seek Christ, for he wants to show you things you could never imagine on your own.

[Roy Mustang]

Good , good so now shoot me , I am a mistake and someone will have to clean it up. So if anything I would be looking foward to hell because I will be used to it since I am on earth and maybe hell will be better so I might never meet you all in person.If god gave me asperger syndrome I must say hell might be better since thats what life is and people say AS happens trough genitics but if god did this it was pretty cruel and maybe I am a angel who fell to earth.

You know, I could go and have the same kind of view you have. I was giving AIDS at 15 months old from a blood transfusing, when I had my open heart surgery.

But I don't look it as God went and give me this as a cruel twist of fate.

I look at the strengths that I have been giving over this not the weakness or being bitter about it.

But what I was saying in my post is, life is hard for everyone and its even harder for others. But you should be thinking how lucky you are in other ways as well and thank God for that.



[font="Book Antiqua"][color="Red"]Col. Roy Mustang[/color][/font]

[LadyRushia]

I agree with Roy. You can't act like you have the worst problems in the world because someone has it worse than you; however, pain is pain. Even if someone has a worse lot in life than you do, you still experience pain and suffering (by "you" I mean people in general, not you specifically). You certainly seem to be more worse off than a good number of people, but the question is are you going to be bitter about it or are you going to ask God what you're worth to Him?

[USSRGirl]

"I cried, I cried; I had no shoes, till I saw a man who had no feet."

Never thought I'd have occassion to quote that obnoxious little saying, but I must say it was the first thing to pop into my head after reading this thread over.

MoonRock, we all have problems, my friend. The Bible doesn't lie; it tells us that we will be strangers and aliens in this world, subject to all the crap in it as this is NOT God's world or God's doing but Satan's polluted, corrupted take off on God's creation. While we may not have the power to choose what trials we will face in our life times, we are given the power to respond to them, to trust in the Lord, and to hope in the world to come.

With respect to your situation as I don't mean to belittle anything you're going through, I do think you are being just a bit over dramatic and confrontational as asperger's syndrome is not all that rare and I know several people online and off who seem to get along just fine with partial or total aspergers and other forms of autism.

I can't really say it any better than Nick and some of the others have said, so I'll leave it at that.

[Midori]

Dude. I feel for you. I also have Asperger's Syndrome, and it's not easy living in a world where if you don't fit in, you get eaten up. You ever get a counselor in middle school who decided it would be best to put you in a large chair with "Reminders" all over it in the very front of the classroom in front of all the other students? I spent more days that year being "sick" than any other.

But, the wonderfulness I've found about a true Christian church is that no matter how bizzare I am, I fit in somewhere. Even if I can't stand noisy rooms and refuse to sit with both feet on the ground. If God is perfect, and Heaven is life with the eternal and obvious presence of God, I know that I will be able to have more fun than I could imagine. I sincerely believe that if I get to heaven, I will be able to design video games for every console known to man. I will be able to master Calculus and learn Japanese. I may even learn how to draw sometime.

[Taliesin]

At some point in everyones life people think that life is worthless, that it can't get worse, that no one can understand them and no one wants them. Linkin Park, for example (jk). But life goes on. When you think you're at the breaking point and any second now you will snap, and then time passes and you cope. You deal with your problems and move on. While the struggles you face might be terrible and impossible, remember that everyone else has struggles they think are terribly impossible too.

[SnEptUne]

Social norm is just statistic. Paths are created by people who walked them. I personally don't find the posting negative, or maybe I am just used to being abnormal and misunderstood by human.

There is no such thing as impossibility in this world, the boundary of the world is only limited by people's creativity. Working hard may not yield results, but there will never be result if I don't work for it. Maybe I am just idealistic, I live to do what I believe is right, even if I will be starved. Will it get me anywhere? I don't know, but I have no regrets.

You are not a mistake. Your very existance proved that you are part of the world.

[Azier the Swordsman]

There was once a guy named John Larkin. (This is a true story)

John had a major problem: ever since he was born he suffered with a severe stuttering problem. He could barely finish a sentence without repeating the same phrase six or seven times!

This led to an emotionally traumatic childhood until about age 12 he began to learn piano, and began using it as a means of artistic expression to hide behind his difficulties.

Throughout his life, he suffered from much of the same depression that you described, and even gained a drug and alcohol addiction for a period of time.

So how did this stuttering, depressed, worthless waste of space end up many years later?

As Scatman John, one of the most internationally renowned singers.

After growing up to become a professional jazz pianist, he made the tough decision to actually try to sing during his act.

Fearing that the audience would figure out that he stuttered, he decided to embrace his affliction rather than tried to hide it and referenced it in his music.

Oddly enough, he didn't stutter when he sang, and even started becoming more fluent with normal speech that one journalist even expressed skepticism on if he was simply using "stuttering" as a false means of furthering his own career.

When he was dying several years ago from lung cancer, he remarked; ""Whatever God wants is fine by me... I've had the very best life. I have tasted beauty."

John was just like anyone else with a severe disability. But what set him apart was when he decided that he wasn't going to let his circumstances tie him down, he decided that he was going to fight and use the gifts his Creator had given him to his fullest extent and impact the world.

Those of us (whom are many) who are familiar with his life and music would have to agree that he greatly succeeded.

(Scatting by Scatman John)
I'm the Scatman
(Scatting by Scatman John)
I'm the Scatman
(Scatting by Scatman John)
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you.
As a matter of fact don't let nothin' hold you back.
If the Scatman can do it so can you.
Everybody's sayin' that the Scatman stutters
But doesn't ever stutter when he sings.
But what you don't know I'm gonna tell you right now
That the stutter and the scat is the same thing.
Yo I'm the Scatman.
Where's the Scatman ? I'm the Scatman.
Why should we be pleasin' all the politician heathens
Who would try to change the seasons if they could?
The state of the condition insults my intuitions
And it only makes me crazy and my heart like wood.
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you.
As a matter of fact don't let nothin' hold you back.
If the Scatman can do it brother so can you.
I'm the Scatman.
(Scatting by Scatman John)
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you.
As a matter of fact don't let nothin' hold you back.
If the Scatman can do it brother so can you.
I'm the Scatman.
I hear you all ask 'bout the meaning of scat.
Well I'm the professor and all I can tell you is
While you're still sleepin' the saints are still weepin' cause
Things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born.
I'm the Scatman.
(Scatting by Scatman John)
I'm the Scatman....repeat after me
It's a scoobie oobie doobie scoobie doobie melody
I'm the Scatman....repeat after me
It's a scoobie oobie doobie scoobie doobie melody
(Scatting by Scatman John)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpHLEm9-0bg

[Roz]

MoonRockDragon,

You are not a mistake.

Life with Aspergers is hard. Really hard. Without God, I don't know how it would be possible. It makes little things big and big things basically impossible. Perspectives are often black and white, and I think you're looking at your life on a scale of 1 to 10 and there are no other numbers in between. Look for more of those pink blooming trees that Lorin Neikirk was talking about.

Hell is worse than you think.

I have Aspergers, and while it's not easy I am glad that's the way God made me. In order for me to make it through a day I am constantly talking to Him and asking for His help. I couldn't function otherwise. Even so it's not easy, but He told us that it wouldn't be. It won't ever be easy, but with Jesus it makes it possible to survive.

You have Aspergers, and you have a choice about how you are going to deal with it. Please chose Jesus. I did and I have never regretted it. He will be your best friend if you let Him.

I am praying for you, and I really mean it.

Roz

[ADXC]

Im sorry I really haven't read the thread fully, but Id like to summarize Heaven and Hell in one or two points.

Heaven=The Full presence of God. (God is also on earth, as christians we can say this because we can feel Him spiritually. But in Heaven we not only feel Him we see and hear Him as well.)
Hell=The Absence of God. There is absolutely NO trace of God here. This makes it the most horrific place in the universe.

So earth is not nearly as bad as hell is, but it still is a sinful place.