Need some relationship advice.

[PleaseDrinkMilk]

Quite frankly, I have almost zero friends in the way of Christians or conservatives, so I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable confiding in. So I'm here.

This is my first long-term relationship, it's been almost 2 years. It's been bumpy from the beginning, but we've trucked along. We're at the point where it feels like we've been married for years...in many of the bad ways and a few of the good ways. It feels like more often, but more honestly, it's probably about 50% of the time that-- when we try to do something fun--it ends up in a fight disaster which basically ruins the occasion...if we try to take a trip to the mountains or go somewhere, it's as often as not going to result in a fight. I can literally go through my phone's camera images and go, "That day went okay...that one was a big fight...and that one...and that one...and that one."

It seems our main issues are basic character mismatches: she's inclined to quickly get angry over nothing, which doesn't bode well with my personality. Secondly, the more time goes on, the more it seems we have absolutely nothing in common. We usually just watch movies, and it takes forever to find one we both want to watch. I got her into anime a little bit, but we can't really find any other ways of spending our time together because we have nothing of the sort in common. And it's like, single days are rough based on that alone...now imagine 50 years of it! Yikes.
Also, one of my goals in this life is to escape the jaws of divorce...and the above relationship issues seem to just beg for a divorce to take place, don't you think?
Cherry on top...I don't feel warm and fuzzy with her and haven't felt that way for quite some time-- I feel pushed away by her frequent lashing out and annoying me.

The question is this: does this seem to be decent grounds for breaking up? Am I crazy, or is this EXACTLY the circumstances for which a good break-up ought to be based upon? I usually am extremely logical with relationship issues, but my emotialators seem to be kicking in here. I'm afraid of losing contact with her family (who are great), I'm afraid of losing our memories, and of course her presence that makes days feel generally good when we're not at eachother's throats. But then...she's made a number of changes in her life for me that I don't know other girls would be willing to make, i.e. she gave up hanging out with 95% of her guyfriends because I found that to be inappropriate. I mean, how many girls out there are willing to do that? I honestly don't even know.

[indyrocker]

Ok fist off I'm not the most experienced with this but i do say pray about it (yes overused but it works). I also would chat with your friends even those who don't shair your views because they are your friends and want something that is healthy for you and thats something that rings true for all walks of faith and non faith. but thats my 2 cents.

[Syreth]

I would have to know you personally to give you any meaningful advice, but I would say that there's no shame in breaking off a romantic relationship that you can't see ending well or that you have reasonable grounds for saying that it might end in a divorce. If you want to escape the "jaws of divorce" then marriage will be a decision that you only make one time in your life. Scary, huh? Better make sure it's with the right person while you still can, IMHO.

Give the situation to God and surrender your life to His will. Do your best to make sure your decision will be more about what is good for her than it is about what's good for you.

Honestly, I'm probably just as lost as you are when it comes to determining the "right" thing to do in relationships, but I thought I should speak up since your situation seems similar to something I've gone through recently.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

It seems our main issues are basic character mismatches: she's inclined to quickly get angry over nothing, which doesn't bode well with my personality.

Out of curiosity, as this is important: Is this really how she is or is this how YOU perceive her to be as? I don't know if it's the best thing to be so quick to say this. Not saying you're wrong, but you could be. She could be getting upset over legitimate matters which you may find petty.

As common interest, perhaps maybe find new interests that both of you could possibly enjoy?

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Just as a general grain of advice: You're not married to her so the freedom to explore the relationship should belong to the two of you. If it ain't working then yeah. I don't have the whole story, but at the end of the day you're the only one who can say that you're not gonna be able to take this for the long haul.

Out of curiosity: You make the whole thing sound bad yet the two of you have stayed together for two years. Why? What has made you stay together for so long? Have you discussed how you're feeling with her in a non-confrontational way?

[PleaseDrinkMilk]

Out of curiosity, as this is important: Is this really how she is or is this how YOU perceive her to be as?

Well, she's admitted this part. She's literally uttered the words "I'm a [b-word], alright?" in admittance. I'm just trying to express here that she and I both know she's easily aggravated.

She could be getting upset over legitimate matters which you may find petty.

If anything, it's the other way around: she will get FUMING mad over something tiny even over things she admits she has no real knowledge or care about (i.e. she's admitted she knows nothing about the Great Depression and doesn't care about it but has no qualms raging about with her position she's taken based on what little she knows]Out of curiosity: You make the whole thing sound bad yet the two of you have stayed together for two years. Why? What has made you stay together for so long? Have you discussed how you're feeling with her in a non-confrontational way?[/QUOTE] We have almost broken up probably 3-5 times. Some of those times, I've taken the initiative to keep us together...mostly towards the beginning and middle. The other times, I couldn't believe we DIDN'T break up. I don't even know how we came out of it. I've actually driven to her place explicitly for the break-up and somehow we came out of it.

Basically, she doesn't perceive there to be any long-term problems...which boggles my mind. Partly, I think it's because she comes from a very conflictive family, that she is used to conflict. But I have told her repeatedly that I was not built for all the conflict (some is okay but it's way too much for me) and that it drives me crazy and that I cannot live with it. I've told her this numerous times and nothing ever changes. So we just keep rolling on. All this frustration and yelling makes me want to smash my skull on the sidewalk and get it overwith-- sometimes 2 years of partnership seems like plenty long enough, much less a lifetime.

I can bring stuff up like the former example, "Doesn't it bother you that we can't ever decide on anything to do? Isn't this what couples do after 35 years of marriage, not 2 years of dating?" but these things never seem to be an issue with her.


I only addressed these because they were the questions-- that doesn't mean I didn't read the rest of the posts. I'll definitely be praying about this. Thanks for all the advice so far guys, I really appreciate it. The more the merrier!

[Prince Asbel]

I've never had a girlfriend before, so if this post annoys you, you have my permission to smack me in the head.

Honestly, I don't think you answered Etoh*the*Greato's question. At least, not quite. You gave us some more background on your relationship, and you also gave us a reason why your girlfriend hasn't broken up with you. But the question remains on why YOU specifically have stayed with her through all of this.

I ask this because the stress you may be feeling may actually be your own fault. It may have been huge mistakes to have not broken up with her when it seems like she can never really get it that you two have big problems.

[Sammy Boy]

Have you tried talking with her about exploring the possible reasons as to why you both fight? By this I mean do this when you two are not arguing, because emotions tend to go wild and reason takes a back seat when people are arguing.

The other thing I've learnt is that even couples who are really close to one another argue and have conflict - this is perhaps unavoidable because people are simply different. The key is learning how to resolve the conflicts in a way that is positive and affirming of each other.

One other thing is that it is not really up to us to change the other person - we pray for them and love them, and God will work the change in each one of us.

I think one of the most important things you could do right now is to talk to her, about your hopes for the relationship with her, and see what she says. Is it possible to find a counsellor in your area? That would be good because the counsellor would be able to take a more objective perspective as he/she is not involved in the relationship and offer better advice.

I hope these suggestions have helped.

[ShiroiHikari]

You asked if you have a good reason to break up with your girlfriend. My answer is...yes.

Here's my (rather blunt) opinion:

If you're unhappy in the relationship, end it. Since it's this bad after only two years, I can almost guarantee you that it's not going to get any better. I speak from personal experience.

I was with a guy for several years on and off. We broke up a grand total of three times. Near the end, we never got along, were always at each other's throats about something, and I found myself almost hating him. And let me tell you-- if you stay together after you've hit that point, it's a good bet that you're just lying to yourself and wasting your time. I left him in August 2006, and met the love of my life not too long after. My life has been a thousand times better since.

Anyway, obviously the last thing you want to do is marry this person. Please do not do that. It'll be even harder to get out if you decide you can't take it anymore. Don't settle because you think you can't get anyone else! That's one of the worst mistakes people make. There are plenty of women out there and God will lead you to someone when the time is right.

Sorry if I was too harsh, but this is a subject I feel very strongly about.

[Kkun]

You asked if you have a good reason to break up with your girlfriend. My answer is...yes.

Here's my (rather blunt) opinion:

If you're unhappy in the relationship, end it. Since it's this bad after only two years, I can almost guarantee you that it's not going to get any better. I speak from personal experience.

I was with a guy for several years on and off. We broke up a grand total of three times. Near the end, we never got along, were always at each other's throats about something, and I found myself almost hating him. And let me tell you-- if you stay together after you've hit that point, it's a good bet that you're just lying to yourself and wasting your time. I left him in August 2006, and met the love of my life not too long after. My life has been a thousand times better since.

Anyway, obviously the last thing you want to do is marry this person. Please do not do that. It'll be even harder to get out if you decide you can't take it anymore. Don't settle because you think you can't get anyone else! That's one of the worst mistakes people make. There are plenty of women out there and God will lead you to someone when the time is right.

Sorry if I was too harsh, but this is a subject I feel very strongly about.

In short...



Give her the Heisman, bro.